So.. I went on a date, at least I think it was a date..
Okay.. I'm going to call it a date because,
if it wasn't..
I'm not entirely sure what it was.
Okay so.. the story goes like this...
It was July last year,
I was walking home from work and I passed
an elderly neighbours house.
If he is ever in his garden we say hello,
but never much more than that.
This time he was talking to a man
who was also in his garden,
turns out he was a family friend
and was visiting for the day.
He also lives nearby.
As I walked by,
the neighbour said 'Hello' and so did I..
The friend said hello too
and watched me walk past and down the road to my street,
where upon I looked back to see if any cars were coming
so I could cross the road,
only to see this friend watching me..
two days later,
again I was walking home
and a car pulls up beside me..
people are always asking for directions so,
I thought this person might need directions..
But It was the friend of my neighbour..
His name is Skeletor.
(just humour me okay...)
He asked me if I was going to talk to him,
if I would like to go out for a drink,
if I would want to get to know him..
I totally was unprepared for this
and so I said
'I don't know and I don't know and...
I don't know' ...
I then said I had to go
because I needed to go
and so I said
'i'm sorry but I have to go"
and I went...
I am not very good at the talking to strangers thing..
two days later,
I was walking to the bus stop,
a car pulls up and ...
you guessed it...
It was Skeletor.
He asked if I wanted a lift to work and we could talk..
get to know each other.
I declined as politely as I could
and I said that,
I didn't know him
and I would get the bus to work because
'oh look...there's a bus right now...
you are welcome and goodbye'
two days later I was walking home
and driving up my street was Skeletor...
He pulls over and winds down his window
and said "Hey.. how are you..?"
and so we talk for a little while
and he tells me that he would like to take me out..
and can he have my number..
I give him my number
and he calls it and I then have his..
he said he would like to call me
and would I like to go out for a drink.
So to cut a very loooong story short...
Two days later he texts me
and asks if I would like to meet him..
he is someones family friend that I almost know,
I know his name and have his number...
I also have his car registration number...
and I told all my kids exactly what was happening.
And how will I ever meet anyone
if I don't actually...
So I said yes.
He seemed nice and,
even if a little persistent,
he seemed okay.
So I said yes..
He said he would text me and he did,
we arranged to meet 8pm on Saturday,
it was 25th of July..
two days before my birthday.
it was 7.55pm and I was completely nervous
and just knew I would fuckit all up somehow.
8.05 and nothing...
8.11 and I let down my hair and hung up my bag.
8.19 and I'm making coffee,
hoping for a quiet night in.
and then he texts me..
'Hi it's Skeletor,
do you still want to go out...?
I can pick you up in 5 minutes...'
So I take off my slippers,
clean my teeth for the eighth time
and wait at the top of my road.
He pulls up and I get in his van..
I told my kids who I was with,
his number, his name, the car reg...
and they were to text me at 10pm
to ask if I needed to come home..
they would call me if I said yes or didn't answer.
We drove to a pub but,
on the way we talked about how neither of us really drank very much and so I said,
could we go and feed the ducks and have a milkshake..?
just something simple and fun..
He said 'yeah sure'
and that's what we did...
well kind of...
So we get milkshakes and go to the lakes..
I text my kids where we would be
while he got the milkshakes..
We pull up but we don't get out of the van..
he just wants to talk..
So I ask what he does at work
and he said he works in London,
so I ask what he does at work
and he said he works in a big complex...
and so I ask how he knows my neighbour
and he said he has known them for years
and so I ask how he knows my neighbour
and he said he is a family friend...
ugh... it was such hard work...
I ask him what his surname is because Skeletor is pretty unusual
and he said yeah it is,
so I ask him what his surname is
and he said it is Eternian
He said it was ncerfveon;wc...
I said pardon
and he said ovncervhbo3chhf...
So I said "oh..."
So he said he was kind of tired and he yawns,
puts his arms behind his head and stretches..
he said that he had had a busy day at work
and he wanted to sit in silence for a while
and just listen to the sound of the ...
this is what my mind was doing...
'Okay... I think he wants me to shut up.. but he wanted to talk.. and his eyes are closed...okay don't look at him because that's creepy, okay this is weird, I thought we were going to feed the ducks or something.. oh look.. ducks... two fat ducks... well this is fun.. I've got to the bottom of the milkshake and I can't **** the last bit because it so quiet in this van and... I think he's asleep... **** what if he goes to sleep..? how will I get home? no.. he's not asleep he flexing his muscles.. what? ummm what is he doing? why is he flexing his muscles with his eyes closed..? I want to drink this last bit of milkshake.. I'm trying to be quiet.. he said to be quiet.. and oh look GEESE!!! ****... I think he's asleep... this is weird... he is definitely flexing his arm muscles and okay don't look because it's creepy and he would think you are weird...I think It's getting dark... I am being so quiet... what if he's dead..? **** what if he dies...? please don't be dead... nope not dead.. he's flexing again... okay this is *******... oh look.. geese"
And he kind of wakes up a bit and looks at me,
smiles and says
'Did you know you are beautiful ?'
and he touches my face...
and I said 'well ummm thank you'
and he said
"You have lovely eyes,
they are so pretty
and your lips are so kissable...
I can't think why you are still single..
I could look at your lips forever,
your lips would look lovely..."
And my phone rings...
And I am just so relieved...
I loudly drink the last bit of my milkshake...
And so I say I have to go home..
it's late and my kids need me to head home now..
And so he drives me home
and sings all the way home in the car to me...
and I am so glad we are heading back
and I just want to go home.
And he pulls up at my house
and I say
'Thank you for a lovely evening,
and thank you for the milkshake,
it was very kind of you to take me to almost feed the ducks.."
and he leans in to kiss me.
I open the door and shakeing his hand I say
"Thank you Skeletor" once more.
I jump out of the van,
close the door and go very quickly home...
for the next half an hour,
I lay on the floor in the kitchen,
relaying the whole sorry tale
to children who think this is both hilarious
and very dangerous.
They happily tell me
"And this is exactly why you are single"..
They make me coffee
and tell me I am very special
and need a very special kind of person
to put up with me...
Especially one who actually feeds the ducks
when they say they will feed the ducks...
I will say though..
I kept the paper straw cover like a little keepsake
of my first 'date'
in about 46 thousand years :)
NB. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Skeletor was not his real name.