as a child (too many years ago) i desperately squeezed my eyes shut and wished to grow up;
'please please let me be 16' I'd protest,
'let me be me, let me be free'
I thought that these empty 16 years would somehow force me to rejoice and thank the gods for ageing,
I thought that 16 years would feel like heaven,
I thought I'd run free through a field of technicolor daisies and love myself and the sun and the moon!..

as I write this, those 16 years have greeted me a while ago.
they are not gracious or excited,
they are not godly or angelic,
they are gloomy and damp, just like the that bench you sat on to drink your coffee
your jeans now stained with moss and mould and...damp.

I thought by now I'd have everyone I need
though, I do have a precious flower whose petals are the reason my heart still thuds
that delicate flower saved me.
however, my 10 year old self would have expected that field of technicolor daisies.  
I seem to have disappointed her,
but I can't apologise because although I have engulfed her skin and bones, I am her and she is i and we are connected.

I hope to see another 16.
I hope those years give me the world.
I write this as tears threaten to stain my cheeks because all I want is for these 16 years (and another, and another...) to gift me that burning sensation right in the pit of my stomach that reminds me of how alive I am and how much more I have to conquer before I am done.

I always dance with the idea that I'm done.
the idea grabs me at the waist and twirls me around like a dainty little ballerina,
it holds me so tight I start to fall for its clutches before she or my pounding heart reminds me of what I need.

I need to live.
I need to live so exquisitely that none of my past selves will kick my shins or step on my toes as I try to proceed towards my field,
I need to experience what it is like to not care,
I need to be reckless and careless, just for a while.

I need to be me,
and i need to be free.

~ T.T