i feel it. nausea.
i feel it when i think of you;
i feel it when i think of them,
and what once was and could have been,
and how i let it slip through
my fingers,

cascading gently, gracefully and clumsily
past my cellulite flesh,
forming a deep pool,
for you all to splash about,
while i stay gripped,
by nausea.

it is my own fault -- this nausea
-- for i let it fester and fuel me with
anger and hate, bubbling and boiling
in my chest, but i watched.
i let it happen.
i let the nausea in.

nausea is my name.
it is the feeling of a cry i have been
choking on for what feels like 20 years,
20 years i have not lived but
have instead been gripped
by nausea.