i swear to you i really do try but on most days I really just don't know how to handle myself.

i mean just the other night i was trying to fall asleep but i kept worrying about the hundred billion ways i could die and then when i finally fell asleep, i woke up the next morning contemplating enacting on one of those hundred billion ways.

my brain is filled with a tempest that i try so very hard to get rid of but even when the storm is gone the destruction it caused is still there. my bones have gotten used to the shaking and my head has gotten used to feeling like a lead bowling ball. i can't tell from reality or daydream and when i learn it's not a dream it sickens me to a point where i decide to live in a different reality for a while.

i once heard that reality is based on perception. once a reality is created, it cannot be changed, only your perception of it can change. well i hope to god that the realities i've created can be destroyed as well because i don't want to live in this one.  

-m. j. g.