when i first realised i liked you, i was afraid to accept it. it was scary  ---  i had only known you for a little while, but just the thought of meeting you would bring a smile to my face. when i first thought about telling you, i didn't know i would ever be brave enough to. when i did actually tell you how i felt, i was at a low point. i didn't care anymore, i just knew you needed to know.
you didn't deserve what i did to you, even if we didn't get too far  ---  i know i broke your heart. you got drunk and you talked about it ; somehow i knew to listen. but i need you to know that it really, truly, was not your fault. i ran away. i was too busy pining after someone else, someone who used to constantly be there, someone i was helplessly missing like a piece of my soul was gone  ---  someone who was gone, who is gone, just like you are. someone whose name is engraved in my being. i loved him. i never told him. not really.
so, even if it hurts you, i know you'll understand. even if you're still angry with me for what i did  ---  i know you understand.
you'll understand that i ran away because we were getting close, so close to being something more, to being really together. and it was innocent ; it was beautiful. it was also too fast, and it scared me. it made me feel good, but in a nostalgic way. i can't explain it, i just knew  ---  i'd have to run from this happiness, because i'd been living with sadness and loneliness for so long, and they were the only constant i knew. i'd have to pretend this was a mistake, that it didn't mean anything to me. just so i could avoid hurting you. i realized, too late, that that is exactly what i did.
when i first stopped talking to you  ---  entirely, without any explanation, i couldn't sleep for weeks. the thought of how confused you must be, how hurt, how betrayed that i broke my promise  ---  it haunted me, followed me around all the time. at one point, i realized it was better that way. pushing you away felt like the right thing to do, even though i knew explaining would work better.
but, you see  ---  you never once visited me in my dreams. i thought i could forget him, fall for you instead. but i couldn't. we were almost lovers, you and i  ---  i will not forget that. almost seems to be the only thing that happens to me. and just like everything else, it wasn't strong enough for me. it wasn't lasting. it wasn't devastating.
so i ran.
i need you to know this  ---  i am sorry. i'll never stop being sorry for doing this to you, but i also know that it was better for me to do it. i burned you, but it wasn't as badly as it would have been if i'd let you fall in love with me and then up and left. he did that. i know how much more it would hurt you, and me, if i turned into him. i hope you don't hate me, and if you ever find this, i hope you do understand.