No one is ever quite certain they'll feel a moment where they can't stop uncontrollably crying just because they are so happy. Especially not in their aunt's dark and cold basement, but I guess I've always been different like that.

I just watched a movie I never thought would effect me so much, one about growing up and loving people and loving yourself. Normally I find them sweet, and this one wasn't even particularly spectacular, but after it I just started crying.

I was picturing all the wonderful things I would write, and the beauty I could create. What wonder the future may hold. About nights where I could fall in love with myself and writing all over again. Being alone terrified me, and having no one is so frightening, but the idea of spending time alone with someone merely a touch away?

I can learn to do that.

I can learn to paint. I can learn to be a mom. I can learn to speak other languages. I can learn to work in an office. I can learn to work from home. I can learn to love myself. And the best part is that if I work at it and figure things out, I have already found the person I want to show all my projects to like a little kid for the rest of my life and that makes me so happy I can't even fathom it.

Its like that fear that rides on my shoulders constantly has quelled. I know it never will be gone, but its like there's this calming in my head and I can see how wonderful my life just might be. I will do things I love, with a man I so very love, wherever we may see fit.

A moment like this is something I've never felt before. Where I don't feel perfect, far from it, but I feel I'm in the place I'm exactly meant to be. I'm so excited for the future, for the now, for everything.

I don't know who I was yesterday. Honestly I've probably changed at least three times today. but right now just feels right.

I can be stubborn and scared and complicated but in this moment, I feel so capable. Who knew a cheap teen-flick and a "*******" nightshirt would feel like the world has shifted.

I was crying on the toilet merely thinking about how much I love me and how much I love him and anything we might create or grow along the way.

I've always been paranoid and abandoned, but lately the fear has never been that they will leave. Its that if I take my eyes off of  them the person I love will suddenly be gone.

But I've been through a vicious fight with him, and I still woke up the morning after smiling at his sleeping face before dealing with the problems of the night before and coming out stronger.

And God knows the wicked fights I've been through with myself, and normally its hard for me to look in the mirror and be OK. But even with my annoying long bangs right now and a little more weight than I'd like, I know I'm changing. It'll get better. I can almost see it in my face, that things will change and be crazily new in such a better way.

I am aware there will never be no fights, but there's something magical about loving even through the ugly sides.

I am content. There is no mania in my veins about being godlike and perfect, or hyperactivity. There is only steady words matching the steady smiles and tears upon my face. I thought mania was happy, but this. THIS is happiness.

Maybe from now on I can have more moments like this. Moments of pure, unadulterated love that just fill me so to the brim I find it falling out my eyes and through my fingertips. Love that is so intoxicated in my veins that for a moment, I don't feel broken anymore.

I needed a moment like this, and it feels like a new beginning.

The best beginning I could ever wish for.