i.*      i have such anger inside me,
it's slowly but surely crept up on me from the day i was born. it's made a home in my bones, cracked open my skull and filled it with the horrors of a broken perception of the world.
ii.      i have such hatred inside me,
once towards myself, twice towards my mother. three times towards what she's turned me into. i am trying so hard not to fall into this abyss of rage, of toxicity, that seems to greet me every time i look into the mirror and see her reflection instead of mine. i've broken the glass twice this week already.
iii.      i wish i could control it.
i wish it had some kind of off-switch, so i wouldn't be forced to walk around with bleeding knuckles all the time. i know violence isn't an answer to any problem, but it sure as hell feels like it when i can only see red and the wall is *right there.
iv.      it's always there,
at the back of my mind. in the cigarette smoke swirling around me, burning my eyelids as i try to keep it all in. it's brought me to tears more times than i can count, and i just want it  ---  i need it to stop.
v.      i am afraid one day i won't want it to stop anymore.
i am afraid one day i will let it consume me, change me, shape me into the monsters from my nightmares, from under my bed. i am afraid one day it will steal my voice and make me do things that the real me would never even think of doing. and when that day comes, i will not fear nor grieve anymore. i will just be angry. i will just be violent. i will just be scary.
vi.      i will be a result.
of the hatred and anger and wrath nested deep inside my heart, i will be the darkest, worst version of myself, and i will not care. i will be a result of all the times she's raised a hand to hit me, i will be a result of all the times i have wanted to bash her face in but never could, never did  ---  because i was too innocent. i will be a result, and i will have blood on my hands.