When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression