it is 2:16 AM. I am not awake because I am emptying my veins or medicine cabinets or tear ducts, I am awake simply because I have not yet drifted into gray unconsciousness. I will not fall asleep tonight on a salt soaked pillow-case and I will not wince every time my wrist rubs against the comforter. I will fall asleep quickly, because I remembered to take my medicine, and I will stay asleep and dream of beautiful church buildings with stained glass windows and nativity porcelain and rooftop crucifixes I will not dream about jumping off. When the bells ring, I will wake up and my mom will call me in for breakfast. I will not be nervous. I will not clasp my hands behind my back to hide my forearms. I will eat eggs and toast and sausage and I will lick the grease from my fingers and it will taste good. It will not taste like calories. Like regret. I will put my pants on and when they get stuck around my thighs I will groan and throw them out. I will not modify my body to fit into them. My eyes will be bright and my veins intact and my shirt will be short sleeved and that will be alright. I will be alright.