May 2015
With all due respect, you make the oxygen rush uneasily into my lungs, paining the edges every time you speak, and I find it that your absence also does just that. Pain my lungs every time I think of you, that is, every time I breathe in the scent of coconut oil & the rays of the sun that you're not here. Accompanied by saltiness for whatever girl you could have wrapped around your tongue in efforts of finding someone better than I am, when you return I still find myself wrapped up too, venturing deeper and deeper into your mind, and your body.
I know this was supposed to be me explaining what my anxiety felt like in that moment you dared to say “you wouldn't mind risking falling in love w me”, but the train tracks in my mental are extremely hazardous, and my thoughts frequently wander. Despite this, my body had been making the adjustments, to allow me to see nothing but how the moonlight would look on your chest when I'd take you out to the beach at night, and transform myself to become a part of you, despite feverish attempts to not take you seriously, to not take anyone seriously…You can’t possibly want to love me. But…we are cute huh? (luna y sol)...te echo de menos -- and the absence of someone is always a hard rock when thrown and harder when felt. And as my chest tightens and oxygen pumps through less parts of my body...I love the feel of my lightheadedness...if only you were the cause.
Listen, I have no problem being your sun AND your moon and allowing every bit of emotion in me to get slandered and thrown up into the sky every minute of every day, I have no problem respecting you and the person you want to turn into, I’m already to far gone in love with the idea of being loved by you. But my mind has a non-permeable guard up to keep the butterflies away that I feel every time I speak to you, though they fly over anyway. Pain demands to be felt, and I allow pain in every time in my dreams when you say "love", but allowing it to stay is something this conscious me hasn't figured out yet. But hopefully I will, and at the same time start remembering to breathe again.
-g.e.s.
I know this was supposed to be me explaining what my anxiety felt like in that moment you dared to say “you wouldn't mind risking falling in love w me”, but the train tracks in my mental are extremely hazardous, and my thoughts frequently wander. Despite this, my body had been making the adjustments, to allow me to see nothing but how the moonlight would look on your chest when I'd take you out to the beach at night, and transform myself to become a part of you, despite feverish attempts to not take you seriously, to not take anyone seriously…You can’t possibly want to love me. But…we are cute huh? (luna y sol)...te echo de menos -- and the absence of someone is always a hard rock when thrown and harder when felt. And as my chest tightens and oxygen pumps through less parts of my body...I love the feel of my lightheadedness...if only you were the cause.
Listen, I have no problem being your sun AND your moon and allowing every bit of emotion in me to get slandered and thrown up into the sky every minute of every day, I have no problem respecting you and the person you want to turn into, I’m already to far gone in love with the idea of being loved by you. But my mind has a non-permeable guard up to keep the butterflies away that I feel every time I speak to you, though they fly over anyway. Pain demands to be felt, and I allow pain in every time in my dreams when you say "love", but allowing it to stay is something this conscious me hasn't figured out yet. But hopefully I will, and at the same time start remembering to breathe again.
-g.e.s.
some **** I wrote like a year ago after a breakdown, unedited.
