I want to miss you fully, properly. I want to look at photos of you and smile. I want to be able to trace the planes of your face with my fingertips And love you quietly Full of joy instead of full of pain. I am not there yet. I ache too much for you. It feels like every molecule of me is being pulled and blurred and bent towards you, wherever you are, And I try not to think about it. I try not to think about it because photos of you Do not make me smile. Not at first. They stop my heart. They stop my breath, and for a moment I don't exist because the longing has become so vast that it unmakes me. I just can't win with that, it seems- When you kiss me, I am unmade and remade. When you leave me, I am unmade and remade. And you wonder why I told you That you hold the earth in your hands. You might as well For it seems that all the gravity I ever feel comes from you. I love every line of your face Looking at it Seeing your eyes sparkle with that soul behind them But its loveliness absolutely breaks my heart. It hurts. It hurts to miss you, now. You've been gone too long, And if you aren't coming back I want to skip this part- The painful, wrenching part- And move on to when I can look at your picture Trace your features with my fingers And smile without wanting to cry, as well.