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Jane Jan 2021
so this is grief / back pressed / against the arm rest
glasses ***** / gut clenched
throat forcing / tea too hot / hangnail so aware
sweating / racing / mind / body / missed connection

how do we say / goodbye / be at peace
with tubes / machines / mouth breathing
denial and destruction / mistrust and misinformation
stole life / ripped breath / shredded dignity

buttoned check shirt / unsightly beard
weak / titanium built / soft / out of reach
all's fair / in love / war / life
but what about / death

two gone / old but not
ready / prepared / permission granted
no more / pain / waiting / uncertainty
the finality / no relief

the living / we still feel
hearts keep beating / twisted fate
memories swirl / smoke wisps and cotton
weak / titanium built / soft / out of reach
for C and G, and for us still here
Jane Jan 2021
i'm adrift in an ocean destined to fill my lungs
with saline breaths
i expell frothy-mouthed howls
tumultuous
thrashing on the shore
grit and razor sharp
abrasions barely register
mortal flesh holds only grief
swallowed up with the tide
i tumble once more
pulled deeper
pressure mounting
darker and colder
numb, feeling, silent, still screaming
violent bubbles shoot for the surface
a mournful sign i'm yet living
awaiting calmer waters
with the rising moon
Jane Jan 2021
purged my grief and the unfairness of loss in this time of distance and longing.

forgot to save it. lost it in a second of carelessness.

if that isn't a metaphor for two dead relatives who'd still be living if the powers that be gave a ****, I don't know what is.

the only line i remember writing:

weak / titanium built / soft/ out of reach
please wear a ******* mask
Jane Jan 2021
give me your words that i might finally rest
the aching, the longing, the want
mark your heat with mine
indelible flame
history's ghosts will nevermore haunt
Jane Jan 2021
no more pretending in avatar form
fancies and flirtations with identity play.
lead-heavy lies sink my stomach
no longer playful imaginaries -
gutteral yearning for something real
tangible, a taste or a smell
a hint of individual not swallowed up
in reflection or oversight
this discomfort is soul deep
unsure where the boundaries of me lie
i'm ready to crawl inside myself
tear through my skin from the inside
find a path home. within.
sometimes i want a fresh start, but my roots are ties that bind and there's no escape
Jane Jan 2021
I wish to fold inside
myself - what good is there in living?
A disappearing act in quiet
supplication.

No more thawing ventricles,
cracking knuckles, tight jaw
aching. Just slow disintegration
along with the old pile of newspapers.

I've never understood the
use of saving history in smudged ink,
the curled corners
never drying from wetted thumbs.

Will the after, the waiting place, the anywhere
that isn't here be so stained with the grief
I carry? Almost certainly so - as I exist
so it does too.

Let's away with a total lack of
incredulity: it's the least
I can do to wash away all trace
of my being - here.
Jane Dec 2020
I have nothing profound to share today. I'm sitting in my dressing gown and fleecy leggings, trying to ignore the cramps (because I couldn't possibly end this tumultuous year without heavy bleeding and ***), scrolling through celebrations of wins, the grief of losses and the hopes of a new year ready to overshadow the last twelve months. My thoughts vacillate between the joyous relief that comes with January 1st in which we feel renewed and revitalised, and a sombre heaviness with all the hurt and loneliness and suffering and continuing oppression we carry through regardless of the date on the calendar.

It has been a year of learning and unlearning and community spirit and crushing disappointments and turbulence of a kind I don't think many have endured en masse and simultaneously alone and which threatens to stretching on indefinitely.

My greatest hope is my greatest fear - change, and not enough of it. Our systems are broken and our governments' failures continue to rip at the fabric of our society and, as always, our most vulnerable are taking the brunt.

I hope for mobilisation, for everyone to find the issue they commit to help build a sustainable solution - be that food poverty, climate change, reproductive justice, abolishing the police or community welfare. This year has proven our collective power and the overwhelming need for us to act - and revolution will be ours. It's beyond time to dream bigger, listen better and work smarter (not harder) towards a fair future, building for our most vulnerable and capturing everyone else more fortunate along the way.

Our individual power is unique; our ability to change minds and create solutions and unite our families, friends, colleagues - our communities - that's where we're most valuable. Not every action must be bold and break new ground. But coordinated networks build movements - we've seen this. We need to learn from those who came before us and recognise the depth and severity of the cracks in our systems.

None of this is profound, or new information, but it doesn't make it any less valid. I hope next year brings you what you need, but I also hope you'll look beyond 12 months and build for a future we can all enjoy. Because if this collective suffering continues at the hand of individualism's ideals; if we learn nothing from our months inside, isolated, in pain, what promise can the future hold?
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