I wanted to write you a poem

but I could not feel the flow

so I watched the sky change

from blue to grey

a spring breeze blew

& dead leaves rallied

in a circular motion

which drew me in & picked

me up for a few seconds

to feel the rays of the sun

oh spring, it’s only just begun.

the ground is brown &

the trees still bare.

I don’t want to care
I  know that we’ve got nothing

left to share, no extra feelings left to spare.

I hope to go where the wind blows,

who knew that meant leaving you behind.

some nights never seem to end,

& I juggle all the words in my head

it’s just
if only
I’d like to share

my heart.

hot but cold, yes
still recovering
yet I want another holiday
already I've laid here too long
& the itch to flee
builds again inside of me
it felt like a blur, but I sure
cried like hell & the fever never
seemed to let go
so I slept & slept,
& woke to puddles full of sweat
& dreamt of somewhere maybe
we could go.
I thought we could take holiday
somewhere near, maybe far
take a boat, or possibly car
I could pack one bag
or how about a few?
still recovering
yet I am ready to go
because this place isn't home
& I want something new

shelter shelter, bring me a storm
& i'm working on forgiving
funny beacause I wanted to say
working on leaving the living.
forgive me oh forgive oh forget
it *******.
& NOFX
progress, rock this
patience, guide us
kindness, blind us.
curiosity of 1984
& what's to come
It don't look good,
you'd better run.

occupy the body, I am waiting
for challenge, for a shift, until
the dress just fits.
but I lay, I am lying,
looking in the mirror,
trying too hard, again.
trying harder than ever
to walk with my head held
high, higher than my ego.
Spring, wake unto me,
my spirit needs shaking.
eyes glazed, passing by,
the elephant in the living room.

a dream where I jumped
over all of the steps
leading to the basement.
a blue house,
ivy crawled the walls
from the outside in.
I jumped the steps
to chase a rabbit.
The stairs disappeared
and I was stranded.
Ivy hung from the cellar
door above my head.

now I lay me down to sleep,
I hoped for snow, the refrigerator
hums, I am buried.
rain mists spits
and I am over this.
wake me in the moonlight,
close my  eyes and I am there.
walk with me, we're on the moon.
it's chilly but we're too busy dancing.
I wish you didn't see me twisted,
but  I know you do.
It's alright, it's sorta true.
I knit knots in my belly,
it's turning me blue
and it's heavy.
shake me just a little,
hold me till midnight.
laaadeee daaaa dee

did i forget to tell you?!
the mountains and the sea!
rolling and roaring
off the shores of new jersey
i call your name
and you splash me
I CAN'T SEE
I CAN'T See.
No more, I am free.
Can you hear me?
I am screaming,
the mountains and the sea!
You are all, you are one
summer sea foam.
it's humble, it's numbing
you're laughing and soaring
and watching me run.

a back bend, kick over.
the movement becomes
a walk we all know too well.
my worries steep, I sip them dry
and leave some left
for another night.

watching and staring,
I can barely see anything at all.
thoughts cascading,
a triple spiral
mountain run-off.

fever dreams flashing,
I'm sick, I'm sick.
entrance stone turns to sand.

cars are hissing,
tractor trailers are roaring.
something holy lives here,
three realms.
land, sea, sky.

I'm trying to be
not trying to be something
just trying to breathe
and sneeze,
all and everything in between.

I don't ask for much
and somehow I get what
I need and a little more.

I wanna see the pretty lights
and hear the ones who speak
better than me.
I'm cut out to believe
that it will all pay off,
I guess I can only wait and see.
For now I can take the pain,
and talk on the phone to my sister over seas.

slap happy.
sinking into the night
into the sticky leather sofa.

here I am, breathing underwater
and letting my ears pop.
dropping lower, it's getting darker
feeling colder, creepy eerie feels over
my shoulder.
It's silent and slower,
the ocean floor.

he's almost here,
the storm is coming.
and all I want is to stare
at you while crash symbols
sound off.
melt the metal off my heart, quick,
I see dark clouds forming near.
rose patterned sheets capture
the light from a hazy shine, and flutter
with the breeze.
It hasn't rained for weeks now,
and the forest isn't the same lush
green that it used to be.
but now the shed doors
are swinging back and forth,
and pine needles cut through
this chilled wind.
flags across the street are blowing,
the telephone wires are bobbing,
up and down, and getting faster.
I want to feel a thunderbolt, I want
to be amazed.
I want to see my shadows dance, watch
them step out from underneath of me,
and grab my arm to swing me wildly.
it rains and he pours.

She rides her motorcycle
south on highway 85
and her scarf flies.
blowing with the motor,
the scarf in the sky
catches every cut and punch
from the wind.
Above, below, and within
she roars with sin.
The scarf waving high,
dances as she rides.

so we bend like bridges
this is my mark, a new
beginning.
a hostile flash
leaves me livid.
looking towards the light,
like freight trains and
the feeling in between
heartbeats.
arches stretch miles
yet and I am stopped
in the center.
spinning around and around,
closer to the edge
and I watch the water
as it flushes beneath.
over and out,
above the rocks
and boulders - waves.
eyes stolen from
my action, fixated on
the physics of flow.
how to float.
and there I was,
feeling a gentle mist,
somewhere in between waterfalls.
trapped by the drapery of
a water force shield,
one wrong move and
it  would push me deep below
a cave.

warped shadow soaked,
purity bathes.
drowning the disguised,
and blunder splashes.
submerged and silent,
yet pearls still shimmer.
denial lost, slips
down the drain.

You were covered in detail,
detail I will never escape.
My dreams are spitting and
laughing, screaming messages,
and I fail convey,
reading only between the lines.

Wiping the tears from my face,
you kissed me in a crowded hallway,
beneath the jacket you held above
our heads, as the passerbys
passed us by.

Now and then, these days
drift by, carrying the secrets,
deeply entombed.
Embodied within my waking life,
sparks fly.

Only a few days after you pass,
reminds me of time,
how like sand it slips
through an hour glass.
it has been long since
I have laid my head back
and listened to the flow of jazz.
how it unwinds and unravels,
carefully, each moment to the next.
sometimes, wildly,
it dances upon a rhythm chasing
a fleeing feeling.
as if it were creating a story
with a ******,
where until reached,
keeps you wanting more.
no amount of pain inflicted
could numb me,
the free sound of jazz.
no other sound could ease
or tender any better
than the sweet sound
that sent my senses
bringing them to the heavens

"as if I were hiding something,"
you repeated minutes later
aloud after me.

the buzzing turned to hissing,
and I know that you told
me this all once before.

and I didn't have the chance to
tell you that I was not ready,
but you wasted no time,
and ignored my request to
move slowly.

at the stoplight
colored red, I screamed
and got out of the car.
Waiting and hiding
in the corner store.

the time that I realized that
you were stronger than me,
and I couldn't get you
off me for all that I tried.

heart races, neck held
against the wall.
she walks to school
with a black eye.
and I laugh, because
otherwise I'd cry.

distant ridge,
birch branches
bend within the wind.

empty, calm
and all the while
I talk to strangers
and pretend the ghost
of a boy lives on
by my side.

So, I do as I am told,
walk tall,
head held high-
and just for that,
I shall never
walk alone.

The branches bend,
some branches break.

Ridge to ridge,
the sun shines
somewhere within.

heart on my sleeve,
and I will make believe,
that the ghost of a boy
lives on by my side.

my naked body
captured still.
black and white,
grain and all.

I was young,
and you told me
it was art.

I stood in the light,
against the white
plywood board,
and waited until
the shutter snapped.

Shy and sad,
I felt no fear.

Years go by, and photos
float from finger tip
to finger tip.

Body bare, body all,
my photo still hangs
on your wall.

Walking the French quarter
with the Mississippi River next to me,
I don't think I knew what to think -
other than that it was all so new,
and I was in awe.
the Southern fauna,
so sweet and mesmerizing.
the streets flowed with life,
as the architecture towered together
above their heads.
how it gave some sort of mysterious
chill down my spine.

days before, drunk in a cab
riding through downtown
Chicago, "West Grand, please"
- I wondered if I was
feeling nothingness.

so i splash my face
with warm water
and walk outside,
door slams.
cause it hits,
like a ton of bricks,
that is when you
start to feel that
awful feeling of nothingness.

hours later,
buried under covers,
I am cozy laying by the
space heater.

death grips,
and shadows blend.
You lied to me.

to be in a funk
and drift through
these days.

to be in a funk,
and stare wildly
into the ceiling.

to be in a funk
and wish that you'd
appear in my dreams.

to be in a funk
and talk loud
to hear myself.

to be in a funk
and put my face
to my palm.

to be in a funk
and want to
run away.

the trailer
nights were black
and cold.

hot breath
showed as it blew
through me, but
it wasn't enough
to keep me warm.

raw and real,
just as the elk standing
out in the frosted mist,
I could not help but be
reminded of how I have
been missed.

the faucet leaks,
there are missing tiles in the floors,
and the spiders crawl the peak
of my laundry mountain.

the space heater was the best
addition to my trailer life,
that is until the circuit blew.

tried and true,
I still want to believe in you.

and it makes me smile,
makes me hurt -
and all the while
you beat the death metal
drum inside of my heart.

city lights catch a glimpse
and let you glow
for only a moment,
just when you thought
you were well hidden
in the dark.
the stars don't shine,
and I now know that I
walk alone.

***** sits where the sidewalk
cracks, and the ambulance
cries as it zips by faster
than the blink of
my bored eyes.

It could not be any more
appropriate, I guess.
Early into November,
two tears
simultaneously streaming
down my cheek
only to meet in the center of
my lips.
forehead on the frosted window,
and she swerves.
tractor trailers blaze
against the highway sidelines,
and the sun is rising somewhere
through the blue woods.
two pillars standing tall
in between here and the distance.
I guess i found it to be best,
while others slept,
a silent weep.
through Autumn's bare trees,
tears fall.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgSTG6z-KtE

on the film

there’s a story

and its told in black and white

in the writings

there’s a meaning

like when we stay up in the night

and in the winter

we dreamed that we would have our

life in our hands, and we’d be alrightwell now its summer

and you’re flashing me a light

in the middle of the night

i’ve always been running

and i ran into you

and i guess you ran in to me, too

but i’m still running

i don’t know what fromi don’t know where to

but i hope i’ll still have you

when it’s over

when our death is coming true

and if its true

when you say you can’t handle back ‘n’ forthand i’m too

misleading for what its worth

well, i’m sorry

but its a price you’ll have to pay

i never chose to be this way

a different person everyday

sometimes i don’t know what to say

can’t form the words like i could form some softened clay

i keep things in, but i don’t mean to keep them far away

i’m toughening upi’m getting righti love you, and thank

you for the fightsand your uppercut into meand how you

push my face into your kneeand your teethbreaking

sincerityand your hurtful honestyyeah it hurts mebut

what does not **** me makes me strongeri hope you hit

me a while longeri hope you’ll kiss me when i’m

weakwhen i am bleak and incomplete

thorns and thicker pull
my braids as I make
my way through your woods
to your field.
lifting my long black dress,
the morning dew has already
drenched me, cold and wet
the sun is still rising.
fog hovers in the distance,  
and light is beaming through
leaves that wish to turn their color.
beaming lights, and
you're everywhere, all around me.
it is just as I remember
seeing the morning unfold
years ago with you here,
only it was Springtime then, and
flowers were in the bloom.
it is autumn now, and I cannot
stay here forever.
picking thorns from my braids,
my feet are asleep and I am shivering.
Forever you will follow me
into the dark.

the sun shines brighter
could it be an indian summer?
i can't leave my bed
but the wind beats hard
through my window
and the the sun shines
brighter, sunlight ****
sunlight pours.
and you slip away forever
into the rays of each
new passing day.

driving nevada 562
passing sunset park
the air is a scorcher.
desert mountains surround
this dusted valley.
your radio plays AM stations
in your old '46
as the motor roars and my hair
blows wild in the wind.
similar to when you raised me,
but now twice my old age.

the air is a scorcher
and I'll be here only two days.
I put my head on your shoulder
and you tell me we turned the wrong way.
my protector, you've seen me grow -
"but for the grace of God, there go I."

have you ever felt so strong?
as I tilt my head back, and catch the
second pass,
heavy footsteps pass the bedroom
and call my name.
I stay here, I lay here,
and count the nails in the ceiling.
and sirens are sounding,
cars are speeding by,
dusk has turned dark.
engines rolling,
where's the wind?

they sit in a circle of chairs
and watch the night get darker.
we talked about the coast, and
sleeping near the water.
still, sirens swept the night away.
skin so pale, dirtied by dust.
spiders webs from nail to nail.
streetlights shine through tree branches
as everyone moves from outside, to inside
at the kitchen table.
I can't bring myself to bed yet,
tomorrow starts too early.
have you ever felt so strong,
that it stung you in that moment
and stole each and every of your senses?
senses swept by sirens.

if I could lock my doors,
close the blinds,
and simmer the sunlight,
I'd get lost in the darkness
and write poems that
play hide and seek
with my other half.
still, this mist sits,
and I shy away from opening
my eyes completely all the way.
hiding my face in the palms of
my hands, and trying not
to understand.
until then, wasted.

I wanted it all,
so I ran.
gotta sink to swim,
to fall within and fit
right in.
face me.
I dare you.
chase me.
and if this feeling
flees, I promise to remind
you how to breathe.
rain trickles down my spine,
until the water makes me blind,
I'll sink behind your mind.

each drink he slid me
was stronger than the last.
i called my mother on
the east coast
while staring out the window
looking into the fog.
the evergreen trees bleed
as i tell mom how weeks have passed.
i woke to quench my thirst,
and ate the cold pizza on the counter.
all the while i held the scroll,
i liked it best watching it burn.
the evergreen mist wakes me in
the morning and whispers sweet
nothings in my ears.
check marks in all the right places,
you must be mistaken, destined
to flower, destined to vanish.

i miss you when i try not to
think about you, i miss you a lot.

mud splatters stain on my skin as
muscle rips from my shin bone.
beatles bleach gravestones
underneath a canopy so high.
low hidden within the clover-
covered floor,
snow-capped mountain tops
fill my eyes.

out of breath, taking a knee
scabbed elbows,
ground breaking.

and beauty marks will
fade within a tumor
that no  suit of armour can
save you from.

forrest green,
make me clean.

for the first time in a long time,
i saw the difference in the
color green.

trees stretched further
than I could tell,
fresh crisp rain,
that woke me from
my fog.

from the green mountains,
to the evergreens,
and all that runs between.

cloudy nights drive
the morning light.

Laying in the dark,
I feel the spring breeze
blow through the pine trees,
as the dogs bark.
The coyotes sing their
songs to the moon.

This moment wants
to keep me from the morning
waking hours.

Humid May,
humor me more.

I speak less,
and drown within the hustle.
Hide behind every other
person as possible.
Distant.

I only twerk
to Bruce Springsteen
in whiskey aisles.
I'm not proud of myself,
or anything,
it's just true.
It doesn't feel
like Saturday.

history and the environment,
sustainable development.
writing papers, on papers,
and there's still
fireball on my bed sheets.
wind-blown Cleopatra hair,
caught in a crazed storm.
eyes travel past the curtains,
towards the clouds, and beyond.
streetlights and sidewalks,
soon we all must go.
and it makes me smile, and
bow my head, and all the while,
it is what it is. To the Pacific!
To the Cascades!
A new journey begins, as I close
the door where the Chickadee sings.

smooth talker,
street hardened.
i searched for truth
on google.com
the music made me
cry and ***,
all in one.
let it all hang out.
sea breeze,
squeeze and shout.
taste every color
of the rainbow trout.
accidents happen,
i played the addict.
sober is a fun game.

in a lobby, i sit and i look out.
take my glasses off, stare at
the fuzzy reflections through
the window glare.
count the dead flies in tiled
4x4 ceiling lights.
one more day, and i'll
drive home. but these couch
patterns catch my eyes
and the shadows dazzle in
the corner.
i see nothing.
i look around and it is finally
still, but still, i see nothing.
beat, broke, bones, body.
be gone, be me, catch my breath.
exit sign crooked, french door bent.
tiles and tumors, i sink into the sofa.
it's stress, it's the lack of sleep,
it's all because i let myself go.
winter's woe, dry hands,
bloodied nose.
strangers smile.

something about those sirens,
I saw your flesh in the cave
bedroom, blue.
all those feelings I felt,
they were/are real.
feet trudge through
all the deepest puddles,
gone to search for gold,
gone to look for fun.
and i forgot what it was like,
to be lost inside myself.
only for a little while.
my only friend,
drunk with myself.
cold air,
fresh breath,
can't wait.
I never wanted to grow old,
I can't blame such a pretty
sun set.
and this passing time,
continues to blow
my fragile mind.

eyes tear from
the cold-cutting wind.
he told me,
"expect more surprises."
does my story make me
stronger?
branches peak through
the curtain-covered window.
sunlight stains the shadows
I look to hide within.
I suppose it was a time
of depersonalization.
A vulnerable feeling which
lead to a vow of silence.
After so long, I laughed
until I cried.
And when my hair grows
past that one freckle on my back,
I will know that
enough time has passed.

article, article,
articulate appreciation.
If I could measure the
worth of your words,
my words, ugh!
most of the time
I know it's asking too
much for you to try and
read my mind.
I still believe that eyes
can steal the words from
our mouths, and do
the talking for us.
And that's probably the
difference between you and me.
I want to believe that you
can see me,
really see me,
and understand what
my lips can not convey.

When sight was offered,
I chose the scroll.

And no, I'm not blind,
and no, I'm not deaf.
I'm lucky to see,
I'm lucky to speak.
Choosing to breathe,
is beyond me.

And when I stare at the sky
'till I'm blue in the face,
please understand that
I continue to try.

hey, yeah, yo,
what?
no way.
guess what?
grooving for all of
eternity.
where am I,
how did I get here,
boy this place is different
than yesterday.
get a note from the doctor,
never was suicidal,
not even hiding
in some crazy state of denial.
did what the president
told me to do,
yay, wahoooo,
scoooby-dooby-doooo.
shUTerRP shannon.
raining on my funk.
thrilled, something like
that. ready to get back
to the action, gotta change this
attitude, this moment has already
left for tomorrow's clock.
another day, lost a dollar,
going, going, gone.
who turned out the lights?

i just wanna make beats
and run away again.
just kidding,
not really.
gonna go sink
my teeth in lasagna
and forget about January,
& the past four months.

hey, hello, nice to meet you.
very glad to know I'm
somewhere in 2014.
fresh starts and stuff,
healthy lungs
and a fatter ***.

relearning how
to feel
this earth.
proceeding with
caution.

jet planes fly over the roof
of my house and
rattle the window within the pane.
someone tiptoes to the cellar
to have a more private phonecall
with their significant other.
I lay on the couch, wrapped in a
grey robe on the floor above the
cellar floor.
Not meaning to hear every word
that you've been saying,
just too busy cracking
every bone in my body.
As the bare branches blow
on these trees from the breeze,
scratch noise on the glass breaks
and cracks.
Every way that I position
myself proves that dessert
was not meant for breakfast time.
And if you were to ask me how
I've been, I guess I would reply
that I've been better, but I'm fine.
Can not help but be thankful
to be here and alive,
however I often wonder what
it's like on the other side.
An old soul in a new age,
the colored song bird sings
from the golden cage.
Friends came and friends
went, at the end of the day I'm
glad I've got my back,
myself to make me laugh.
I remember how it felt to wear
my emotions on my sleeve,
to pinpoint every fleeing feeling
in between.
Flip every pillow to the colder side,
pick me up with your car,
let's go for a drive.

I toss and turn,
I sleep no more.
Yawns widened,
my eyes drip
the tired cries.
Wrists crack,
body exhausted from
staying still for so long.

All the sheep inside my head,
could never amount to all of
those bottles on the wall.

There were days that I learned
how to sit still.
These days moved fast,
yet slow.

Time told me to be on
his side, so counted
all the steps it took
me to get into this bed.

Death metal blasted
from passer-bys
on slick roads.
Sign reads,
"Drive Slow."

Shocked to see a shadow,
too soon sunken in velour.

a body at rest will stay at rest,
and a body in motion, will
live on in motion.

bored brain,
so I stretch.
must not forget
this body that
lives to be.

so many phases,
**** the moon,
I'm talking about
my soul!

another sunrise,
I drive home through
the snow drifts.

I see you in my fever dreams,
and too soon
sunlight ****.

i'm not a master,
i'm no man.
snot drips from the nostril,
the sizzle grips the saucepan.
static head in the negative degree,
below freezing weather, i do believe.
stone cold stare at the fire ablaze,
blood boil, bubble bath and turmoil,
death to the royals.
potbellies to the gifted,
flight or fight feelings for the lesser.
lack of passion, slow moving action.
caught in the eye of abstraction,
I lost my bond with reality.
sneeze out the cake batter,
dimmed lights-
I'm in in my corner.
the last in line,
a faster pace raced in my mind.
blurred vision,
motionless mission.
still, the snot drips as
time slips through my
failed finger tips.

What broke me?
Why did it feel so ******* righteous?
I swear, as long as my *** is round,
I'm probably in a better place,
some sort of better state of mind.

My 85-year-old neighbor once
told me, if she didn't laugh,
she'd cry about her deceased husband.
So, I often wonder, with all this laughing
I do, does it cover me well?
Does it warm my broken heart?

I stuck a pencil in my ear once,
because I had a little itch.
Mind you, I was 7.
But I kept this secret from
everyone, I didn't want to be screamed
at. Two weeks later, my friend ratted on me
and I ended up in the doctor's office,
screaming my head off.
This was the day I almost went deaf.

I wear glasses for my nearsighted vision,
and it's nice to choose when I feel like seeing.
It's hard for me to believe if I'm looking at whatever
it is that everyone is usually looking at.
And no one will ever be too sure, if we all see or hear
the same thing. But, I'll tell you what, seeing is
believing. And if I could begin to explain,
some of the things I thought I'd seen,
maybe it would begin to make sense-
Why I laugh all the time.

A droid statue, mechanical failure,
a deepened depression no one ever saw
forever ago. color-blinded green eye,
a real big joke, a decent lie.
I race myself through my blue-blooded veins,
the alter-ego, dead-deafened twin that lives within.

She lives, and she loves for no reason,
but simply just because.
Because if it wasn't love, it'd be a hate
pool that I'd drown in.