i smile, sometimes
when I see that everyone I care about is black and white
not because we are sad
although we are
but because we all share
a love for the absence of color
because we see things differently
with a different light, a different vibrancy
my whole life I've searched for another
black and white personality
never thinking that i'd end up
with people quite like you

I had a dream that you were larger than life.
I slipped in through your mouth
to learn the secret of your insides.
You spat me out.
I fell.
You caught me with hands the size of clouds,
then stuck me in a cage with a yellow canary.
I had to eat the bird to stay alive.
You're a neglectful pet owner.
Now I'm  trapped here
with no company.
I long to be free.
I cannot fly;
I never sing,
but it would be alright
if you'd just look at me.

The words do not flow like they used to.
They hardly come to mind at all.
Maybe it's because I feel almost absolutely nothing
and am only comforted by the numbing sensation
of a love that is far too unreal.
All this time, I've been searching for something
and now, I feel like maybe
I've been searching for the wrong thing.
Maybe I've only been looking in the wrong places.
Maybe I'm too stubborn to accept the reality of a situation.
I'm afraid of a love that I can never feel.
I'm afraid that the distance between our bodies will always be kept
far greater than I can even fathom-
even if we were in the same room; holding hands.
I'm afraid the connections that our souls share
will quickly become tattered and cracked.
Maybe I was never destined for love.
Maybe I'm supposed to be alone forever.
Maybe I'm supposed to have my heart broken...
But, maybe, I'm supposed to break my own heart.
I think maybe I'm just meant to stay lonely.

I pray thee leave, love me no more,
Call home the heart you gave me.
I but in vain that saint adore
That can, but will not, save me:
These poor half-kisses **** me quite;
Was ever man thus served?
Amidst an ocean of delight
For pleasure to be starved.

Show me no more those snowy *******
With azure riverets branched,
Where whilst mine eye with plenty feasts,
Yet is my thirst not stanched.
O Tantalus, thy pains ne'er tell,
By me thou art prevented:
'Tis nothing to be plagued in hell,
But thus in heaven tormented.

Clip me no more in those dear arms,
Nor thy life's comfort call me;
O, these are but too powerful charms,
And do but more enthral me.
But see how patient I am grown,
In all this coil about thee;
Come, nice thing, let my heart alone,
I cannot live without thee!

I

The Nutcrackers sate by a plate on the table,
  The Sugar-tongs sate by a plate at his side;
And the Nutcrackers said, 'Don't you wish we were able
  'Along the blue hills and green meadows to ride?
'Must we drag on this stupid existence for ever,
  'So idle so weary, so full of remorse,--
'While every one else takes his pleasure, and never
  'Seems happy unless he is riding a horse?

II

'Don't you think we could ride without being instructed?
  'Without any saddle, or bridle, or spur?
'Our legs are so long, and so aptly constructed,
  'I'm sure that an accident could not occur.
'Let us all of a sudden hop down from the table,
  'And hustle downstairs, and each jump on a horse!
'Shall we try? Shall we go! Do you think we are able?'
  The Sugar-tongs answered distinctly,'Of course!'

III

So down the long staircase they hopped in a minute,
  The Sugar-tongs snapped, and the Crackers said 'crack!'
The stable was open, the horses were in it;
  Each took out a pony, and jumped on his back.
The Cat in a fright scrambled out of the doorway,
  The Mice tumbled out of a bundle of hay,
The brown and white Rats, and the black ones from Norway,
  Screamed out, 'They are taking the horses away!'

IV

The whole of the household was filled with amazement,
  The Cups and the Saucers danced madly about,
The Plates and the Dishes looked out of the casement,
  The Saltcellar stood on his head with a shout,
The Spoons with a clatter looked out of the lattice,
  The Mustard-*** climbed up the Gooseberry Pies,
The Soup-ladle peeped through a heap of Veal Patties,
  And squeaked with a ladle-like scream of surprise.

V

The Frying-pan said, 'It's an awful delusion!'
  The Tea-kettle hissed and grew black in the face;
And they all rushed downstairs in the wildest confusion,
  To see the great Nutcracker-Sugar-tong race.
And out of the stable, with screamings and laughter,
  (Their ponies were cream-coloured, speckled with brown,)
The Nutcrackers first, and the Sugar-tongs after,
  Rode all round the yard, and then all round the town.

VI

They rode through the street, and they rode by the station,
  They galloped away to the beautiful shore;
In silence they rode, and 'made no observation',
  Save this: 'We will never go back any more!'
And still you might hear, till they rode out of hearing,
  The Sugar-tongs snap, and the Crackers say 'crack!'
Till far in the distance their forms disappearing,
  They faded away.--And they never came back!

I used to pray a lot
knees to carpet
elbows on the edge of my bed
hands in the humble position
Dear God,
say hi to Granddad for me,
I hope he’s doing okay up there
waiting for us
I’ve been doing good
but I would really love it
if you could give me super powers -
I swear to use them right -
thanks God
-Harry

God never favorited any of my tweets
never liked any of my pictures
never poked me back
but that doesn’t mean much
in the ways of existence
I think He just doesn’t like to be bothered
and I never heard back about my Granddad
and I still have no super powers
but I am still here
and the weather outside
is ******* magical

2-10-14

it took 1 year.
one year and I was
f r e e.

no more open wounds.
no more pain. No
more stolen blades pressed
to tender, pink flesh.
No more blazing desires of
death
by chemicals compacted
into a small pill, labeled
FOR MEDICAL USE ONLY.

Three
Hundred and
Sixty-five days.

My wounded flesh
Was healing.
My broken thoughts
Were mending.
My tattered mind
Was recovering.

52 weeks and
counting.

I took
One less sip of
That intoxicating liquid.
Each day I took
One more breath of
hope

Three hundred and
Sixty-five days I
Struggled
To mend myself
from a lifetime
of misery.

For three-hundred and sixty-five days,
for fifty-two weeks, for twelve months, for
eight thousand seven hundred and
sixty-six hours, for all those minutes
and all those seconds I spent trying.

I slowly improved.

And in one, fleeting moment,
Those twelve months of mending,

V a n i s h e d .

Day 364

My head was heavy
With profound thoughts and
My heart was brimming
With unwavering love
As two pairs of passionate
And hungry eyes stared
into the other.
The intensity of yearning,
Of love.

Day 365

I, what was left of me,
Crouched to the floor
Picking up
The shattered remnants of
My heart.
Not a silly girl picking up
failed love.
Not a girl mourning
The loss of a boy
But a girl gathering broken shards,
Broken shards of tender love.
Shards of happiness. Of life.
Shards of passions
And shards of light.
A memory of warmth.
A thought of hope,
Of being whole.

And each piece of life,
Each moment of love
tore my fingers,
nicked my flesh.
And I knelt to the ground
plucking each little piece.

My thoughts lingered
On your goodbye
Not a silly girl with
A broken heart
Just a girl who
finally realized
she was not
enough

and that day I pieced
myself back together.
I put a piece here
And a piece there,
Not quite finding a
Place for each shard.
Others were missing.
Not shards of you, love,
But shards of me from you.

For 365 days
I had not mutilated my body.
I had not uselessly abused
my insides with alcohol.

But months after
Saying goodbye
And endless days
Of living in fragments
With missing pieces
I poured that glass of
Clear liquid.
I filled my lungs
With smoke.
I drowned out my thoughts
With noise,
And I put nails to skin
and pressed
harder and harder
and harder,
physically masking my
pain.
Drowning out my thoughts
And replacing
an unwavering emotional pain
with a tangible physical pain.

And right then
All I worked for,
was gone.
It took just one moment
For everything to

Shatter

And right then
Three hundred
And sixty-five days
Were gone.
365 days were
nothing.