It’s rained.
Crawdads swept up on the street.
I chase them down with small bare-feet.
Across the street, there rises steam.
The neighbor makes hot oysters sing.
Carolina, is still that child—
She’s in my heart, she’s roaming free.
No need to brush your hair, little Bee.
I like it stringy.
I like black feet.
The story here is one of Me.
It’s where I copped the name “Beezee”
Where I road bikes and scraped my knees.
I ducked and dived and climbed up trees.
It’s forever and a day so sweet.
Nostalgia is my favorite street.

it's okay
if you fall back into old habits,
they helped serve you
once.

one day you'll wake up
with the sun
and the birds
and the trees,
take a breath in.
this is all you need.

replace the past with love.

forgive forgive forgive
again and again,
as many times
as it takes.

Still learning the ropes
of how to survive
how to love myself
and keep my heart protected
while secretly longing for new love
to embrace me as I am

And yet, to guide me through
this treacherous storm
through fields of
lavender and ashes

Staying hopeful
I cling onto what I'd always have
my sense of self
and a heartfelt desire

And ever so slowly
I take another step forward
holding my heart in my hands
longing to be cherished again

Hands shaking from fear
my heart silently shattering

He only loved me and meant well
he cared for me and cherished me
yet I'm still shellshocked
at how we lost everything

Why he kept it from me
why he thought that doing so
meant protecting me

I will never feel free from this
I will always second guess myself
and what love is

I'd give it my all again
if I could turn back time
and embrace him as he is
I'd do all I can to remind myself
he still prioritizes me
and how I should be thankful

My body still shakes
as I write and I recall
all the things I could have been
and should have been and done for him

I regret but I know I shouldn't
this had to happen
to save us both in the long run

He had to stop loving me
for a good reason
he needed to save himself
and I am just glad he did

In return I thank him
for making me resilient
in the long run

I sabotage myself
because of all this hurt
because I fear no one
will love me ever again

And if they do
it will only be temporary
they will view me as
a burden eventually

I am only a stepping stone for others
who don’t want to
get to know the real
vulnerable yet selfless me

All I hope
is for a better beginning
in the long run

When you haven't seen someone in months
The places your subconscious wanders off to change
Your dreams are different
Your strongest desires suddenly seem strange to other people
who do not understand
These days
I dream of touching the back of your neck
Feeling the softness of your hair
The warmth of your skin
With each of my ten fingers
It's a feeling I think about a lot
The back of your neck
Wrapping my arms around your shoulders
Forgetting how much taller you are than me
Remembering instantly
Muscle memory
I write about that a lot too
Because it's real
Not many people dream of flinging their arms around someone's neck
In an embrace so close
A moment so detailed
That they wake up staring at their hands
Wondering why they are empty
And not on your skin
Waking up feeling like I'd been robbed blind
Because I swore I just had you again
Only I never did
This is the only place I can see you now
Stare into your eyes that echo into infinity
Feel the warmth radiating off of your skin
And touch the back of your neck
With my hands

I lie awake wondering if
on your restless nights
You're lying there
Thinking of me too
I haven't cried in weeks
I haven't heard from you in months
And tonight
I'm lying here
Imagining all the places on my body that you've touched
How my own fingertips do not feel like yours
Despite my best efforts
I cannot fool myself into thinking
For even one tired moment
That you are here with me again
Why tonight of all nights
Am I lying here crying?
I have to imagine of course
That this all comes back to you
That surely you're somewhere
On the other side of the world
Thinking of me so strongly that I felt it
All the way back here
And so to that I say
I feel you
You are here with me
You are always here with me
This love we share
Will never leave

What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.