I hear their foot steps
crunching behind me
as they follow through
narrow paths struggling
not to get lost in the trees.

Moonlight barely gazing
our surroundings becoming
more of a painting in the darkness
and the previously peaceful
patches of forest are haunting
with mystery and our internal
compasses blur into nothingness.

Introducing myself to the unknown
my followers lose themselves
while blindly trying to match
my pace, my crawls, and my falls.

No longer the leader they meant for me to be
Never wanted to be the leader either way
Always to the shackles anyways
Yes I'm walking sideways
into space and beyond
the chaos of being stuffed into a mold of perfection
so intoxicating and draining
sickening, the reckoning
lead yourself and I'll lead me
that. is. perfection.

today when asked what I would do with the rest of my life
(if I could pick anything I wanted regardless of money)
I told the whole class that I wanted to be a beat poet
in a jazz band, but I didn't tell them: I also want to sing

my baby told me
I'm dancing with a demon slayer
put her lips to my ear
whispered, "some secrets are meant to be shared."
if only I had cared
caressed her
skin to skin
but habits die
                        hard
and I have trouble beginning
because I'm so afraid of
                                          the end

wishing for the buzz of bees
when little feet walk over me
******* blood and leaving dust
how long have I been waiting?

sleeping on the couch
getting kicked out for subtle comforts
the stench of liberation
boiling in my veins
spilling over
the mess is a distraction
creating distractions
reminds me of lost passions

passing ions
all infinite
am I infinite?
coarse
of course
it's a new course!
learning has taught me
that the more you know
the less you want to
and the less I want to
the more I want to
dichotomy of the ever-bingeing
morning-cringing
woman you want to ****
and she wants to ****
and she wants to hide

deception of pride!

I still walk with my head up
lips curled, up
survived last night
no throw up
just throwing up hands
one with a drink
always another one

talking too loud about illegal things

Stumbling through the streets
I say, "yes, thank you and more, please,"
Until I'm home.
Don't want to be alone
With this pain I own
Yet here I am
And so it will be

ever get so drunk
that you just ****
any attractive person
that shows interest in you?

it's a tough thing to do
apologize?

lovely lovely people
the romantic in you doesn't grow
simply shrinks
with all the drinks
you are
disillusioned
will heal
**** that
not those people
give in to true
love?
it's worth the work
and the
pain?

I love you to death
And so I depart
Shattered heart
I'm sick of sorry
Being torn apart

I believe in my dreaming
Where I see you depart
Jealousy ringing
I give you what's left of me
On the corner of the street

I hope you will see me

look at you
I'm winning
isn't that enough?

look at me
you're aching
how much is too much?

look at us
we're breaking
too much is enough

the sin in me is as bright as the sun
shrouded in clouds
as I'm crowded with doubts
if I can change,
and if I do,
who will I be?
all I can hope is for my sensitivity
to project in more positive ways
leaving me less empty
in my darkened haze

this depression is a lesson
I'm guessing from the guilt
of all the things I said and did
while running from myself

perhaps I never really left
when I was trying to disappear
instead just rumbled and rearranged
my darkest parts, they took the stage

today I feel very much different
it's just the beginning
but at least it's a start

I'm tired of being dramatic
focusing on what doesn't matter
will never set me free
looking inward instead of forward
because beauty dwells far too deep
for me and my **** mindset
the regret that holds me down
I want to look in the mirror
and be proud with what I've found

A reflection of comfort
and a humming birds sound

I'm relearning connection
With everything I've got:
My light
My love
And
My words

I sit here and listen
to hearts unfold
as the two men before me
explain stories untold…

Chords in their palms
hearts singing their songs.
The pain of the past, the future,
and all that is left
is the mystery
of what might be here.

I hear them playing
no tip toeing around
as they reverberate sound.

love binding two souls.

Who could have known
that without experience,
resounds dissonasse?

Misunderstanding in the time that has passed.

Who said that it only takes a moment
to forget
and remove the past?

Humans,
or strange creatures?

Our friends are our preachers!

Sharing what is inside
no pride
just feelings we express,
because it is too hard to let them fester.

Experiencing this weather
inside this house.
Pounding and beating
water we felt retreating
year after year
we felt dry inside
and outside
all together.

Another day to reject neglect
and stand beside those who we wish to protect.
Projecting a sound that can last a life time.

Forgetting all reason
giving in
to the rhyme.

"Girls are supposed to be
  soft and sweet."

"What if I want to be
  rough and ****?"

"Why not both?"

"Fear." and silence.

Too afraid to ever love another.
Let me run away from anything
stable, comfortable, or promising.
I must admit, I feel like ****,
no matter how much I crave it
the commitment sinks into me
crushing my very will to survive.
The only way to escape
is to stop.

//no. no. no. no.//

don't forget me
no longer facing
         lies
no
       never yours
forever yours
//lies

//stop. stop.

I can't get enough
of your *******
I can't get enough
of those lips, hips...
eyes

ENOUGH

never enough
come closer
let's touch
/breaking up

I'm too much

My inspiration has been on vacation,
broken heart stole my aspirations.

Anything better than this.
Is there?
Anything better than this.

today there is time
a handful of options to choose from.
this restlessness has been dissolved
with people that help me to rest
so that this forgetfulness processed.

I found myself chugging down opinions
from people who speak with broken teeth,
finding clarity through curled toes in washed clothes,
roughed up shoes, and coconut stains.

tough break, my love
you can't shake my love.
I've awoken to hot rain
skin humid
eyes tired
wanting to see you.

I'm growing, my love
I can't stop, my love.

the bark
in my peeling
is revealing
what I'd rather hide

what's inside?
something sweet
yet not a bite

what's on your mind?
held in your mouth
please spell it out

share with your lips
not just in a kiss
what's in your heart
as I tear apart
my present from my past
to move forward at last

I have come to you
and long
to take you
caress you
undress you from within
and return you to my heart

the first time in a month, I see you
and my heart collapses upon itself
a million times over.
what a wonderful experience, to be
tortured with love so timid it doesn't
recognize itself

I was bored and lonely
wanted to be like everyone else
be liked by people
love and be loved
**** and get ******

something about getting kicked out of the house
really brings a new meaning to the term
"rock&roll"
sleeping on the streets
it's not so easy to forgive
the people
who gave you so many chances
the people
who had finally had enough
I know I know
I left because I felt like I needed to truly experience
the worst of the worst to then be able to truly experience
the best of the BEST
"the world is my oyster," I think is how the saying goes?
well ****, I've never even seen an oyster
and I hate the smell of the ocean
(I mean really people? you like that?)
anyway...

I have learned that if you plant a seed, it will grow
seeds as in vegetables
but also seeds as in
metaphorical seeds
the seed that I had planted in my mind
and committed to was for
truly understanding what my favorite writers had gone through
and talked about in their works.
I felt that if I experienced it,
truly,
then perhaps I could understand,
fully.

I have felt what it is like to be
more empty than empty.
the words broken and shattered
couldn't even come close enough to reach my shadow.
there were no words to describe
what I was going through at the time.
I was too busy dying
to write.
Now, I'm getting busy living
to write.
Now, I must write.

I had my hurrahs and my hooray's
but it's back to the pages and the books
and the games
and the food
and bringing myself home.
To the place I can call home.
where I can create.

Back to the poetry,
as I back away from my demons.

you know they call it spirit for a reason?
you know they call them spirits for a reason?

the drinking
the drugs
the cigarettes
the lovers
lost friends
cold nights
hard nights
frightened yet still
confident

It takes time to  
come back to
yourself
                               after trying to lose
(and most of the time succeeding)
                                                           yourself.

I've done a 180.
Never want to leave.

I'm home.

As winter meets its end
I meet myself at the beginning
It's taken time to approach and mend
Where rejection, first, was winning

My inner child is healing
While my pain is fully felt
I let my tears flow down
Heart healing as it melts

Sickness takes it's hold
Of my physical form
They said this soul was old
When I had just been born

The grief of loss
When I looked to her
She walked away
Door shut in my face

The grief of rejection
When he spoke his hurt
Those words were painful poison
Destroying all my worth

No parents to love
Or be loved by
I was only a child
But I wanted to die

Astral projection
My best friend was God
I begged to go back
But my journey, that was not

So I sit here and write
Allowing myself to cry
I hold myself softly
I'm getting ready to fly

Rediscovering what's to love
Realizing that I am enough
My strength is building slowly
Although the journey has been rough

My spirit is being guided
To find what hurts and pull it out
To spill all of my secrets
And remove my heart of doubt

There's been a drought
Long lasting
That I have finally shaken free
Today I walk in gratitude for all who have blessed me

Alone, in my tragedy
The wallowing that ensued
I walked away from all of you
And directly to my doom

I led myself astray
Because of the pain I could not face
At this point in time, I feel it's safe to say
I've found my way and I'm in a different place

I look around and here you are
Loving me as I am
So thank you from the very core of me
For loving me as I am

wasted
I
wasted
so much time

blades of bright green
cutting deep
softened
and
dried up
into soft browns

the sky ceased to weep
a world of sun
blossoming
flowering
drying
and
dying
it's the children who are crying

I live in California
but I'm afraid of the ocean,
I live in the mountains,
surfing the web,
spinning my webs,
catching flies,
discover lies,
say goodbyes.

sorry that I mislead you,
misread you.

Still cooking for two
When I’m not with you
Not even hungry lately
Happily starving within the craving

I dreamt I wrote a poem
instead, I woke to ***** dishes
homework, missing you, and
avoiding spliffs. I hold my coffee
tight, **** in my bloated belly,
and squeeze into jeans so I don't freeze

loosely gripped
onto plump lips
my pen shifts
supple movement
keeps me in the flow
as I shift from green stones
to the ocean: white and blue!

breaking down isn't an option
meditation and intention
spreading my wings with direction

protected in this fragile state,
wind rushes through me,
echoing a heartbeat

my past companions
entagled in my integrity
have begun to spin faster

strands of web
alchemized to gold
as full moons appear
and fade

counting the stars
one by one, day by day,
endlessly,
as the years pass.
until our goodbye
is no longer poisioning.
until our goodbye
fertilizes new growth.

the passion in blooming
was once my undoing,
yet, no longer so looming,
or damning, or dooming
as I swing hard, heart heavy,
and prepare to take flight,
over the Sea.
bite me,
soaring bullet, straight arrow,
striking hard, falling hard,
tongue sharp,
grab the tarp for this new heart,
it's healing faster than you can tear apart.

words *****:
sticky, messy, hot and heavy.
vibrant smile, searing red.
I see you
seeing dread.

grey today, but with a shine,
a flash of your smile in my dreams.
turn me sideways.
I'm seeing you, loving you,
in nightmares until daylight.

no longer settled with,
"what's left of me?"
no longer longing for what was.

I'm amused, my muse,
no longer confused
with the parts of me that struggle
when I'm reminiscing you.

A love, once loved,
never unloved.

I began decaying in the process of
trying to love another,
when I never stopped loving you.

Letting go of what doesn't serve me.
I'm creating space
as I grieve what it means
to let that love breathe.

I've seen a different side of me
That I didn't think I could
The one that takes less pride in things
That doesn't numb to shelter feelings
I'm not sure, but hearing his singings
Makes me realize that he is my teaching
No longer reaching for something that I cannot have
I've been sat in reality
But it is no laugh
The truth is something here for me
It's the one thing I can fully grasp
That time has passed
He is my past
I may be tired
But renewed
Feelings held back are no longer subdued
It may sound rude
It may be scary
But the things I must share
Are simply blaring

I've got work to do that's in my past
While I strive for a future beyond an ending
My present is healing
And in it
My silence breaks

I am soaking my scars in lavender tonight
up past midnight working
everyone is drinking still
a few hours to ****
but my drinks have all been spilled
insides poured out
right side out
somewhat proud
not to be a drunk any more

a few times lately
I want to wake up
but then there I find myself
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee

I start thinking about my dreams
but get stuck turning them into daydreams
again feeling filthy as I take another drag
long for another one
wish I didn't after I did
and still go back for more
throat sore from the quiet screaming
it's honestly become demeaning

before I reach for a hit
memories that don't fit
get stuck inside me until it's lit
then I'm stuck as I sit
hit after hit after hit
in my new home
the one I worked for (this time)
the one that's mine (this time)
the one that can't be taken away
as it ticks away, steady beating
not so broken, this time...

this time has got me pressing
moving quick with no hopes of slowing down
I can't stop growing now
this lavender has got me flowing now
showing me how wounds need healing
even after the burn stops hurting,
begins bubbling and starts scaring and peeling
I wrap myself up
tighter and tighter
until the voice within me is screaming
begging me to breathe

I am begging myself to breathe
crying and I heave, heave **!
take me to the Sea
let me plunge
let's get deep
down to the wreckage
where your eyes pop
and your eyes buldge
as the gold litters the ocean floor
mesmirizing how it
glitters and glimmers
you shimmer as I shiver at the sight
of these forgotten treasures
glowing out into the endless darkness
the light of a lifetime illuminates all I thought I left behind
things are not so difficult to look at in this new light
so I remain grateful for what remains of my pain
as the pain is only a phantom of which once broke me down
no longer anchored down by the haunting
of not feeling as though my heart was my own
I see the beauty within what's left
and I won't let it go to waste

so give me time
(this time)

I don't want anything.

I'm happy with what I've got.

staying put in places where I have opportunities to better myself
finding that life is a bore and I am a prisoner to it
coming and going from place to place with pure intention to bring something to the table.

here we are folks, in the best **** place you could ever find yourself
with everything you've ever wanted and more.
let's get moving
time doesn't wait
it simply wastes.
so listen with an open mind while you're in the audience
'cause that's your job.
perform with gusto and passion,
you don't want to disappoint.

hour by hour
soaking in the time
no more numbing my reality
step by step
the adventure begins
my journey brings me delight

In this moment
a p a r t
from      y o u
My insides turn
heart compiling
filing and sorting
every other moment
when wearetogether
forever better?
heating weather
beaten leather
never cheddar
fallen feathers never made such loud a sound
as when I found you bound and turned around
your remnants scattered and littered the ground
which I had called home

maybe I did
                      all the things
that I shouldn't
maybe I have
                        dreams
that send beams
of light c a  s  t i  n  g
            s h a d o w s


or was it my shadow casting me?

I don't think it was all a dream

It was within the darkness
In which I could finally catch my breath
The stillness comforted me
While I gained my strength
The patient silence in which I dwelled
Dispelled the misery as I dove greater depths
With each inhale absorbed new meaning
With each exhale new colors emerged
So engulfed with forward movement
I was unaware of what I left behind
In the quiet only night may layer
I found my pain returning home
As it became my own
My heart spoke of the wonders of what I may leave behind
if I were to speak my mind
The silence of my sacred space
As comforting as it had become
Began to split, distort in ways
Light rays easily penetrate
As my colors grow, they can't help but explode
A calling to my souls companions
A dance to my body's imagination
A secret unbroken as the light breaks the silence
As my words break the surface
my darkness finds it's place
And my colors take up space
I take up space
Breaking silence

Holding my breath
Afraid to wake you
The words forming in my soul
Are woven to shake you

Uncomfortably quilted
Is the paradox of my hearts mending
Tectonic shifts
The impact of bending

The impact of coming together
While needing to look inward
Volcanic activity, atomic weather
My passion is lava propelling forward

From blue, to green, to red, to black
There's destruction in this healing
As these scars begin their searing

Is it strange to want to be alone?
to feel so small at home?
to be half alive and soak into your soul?

I've seen myself a million ways
and spent so many more.
I'm so tired of all my thrills being
the completion of another chore.

Yes, I rhyme these days it's true.
Because I've found distraction, and
it might be you. Something pure,
there is no cure. There is a day
I know I will show you.
Let's call it my "day to prove".

The day you learn
that
all my poetry
has been written for you.

brown born and alive again
the dirt hums as nature shifts
tectonic lifts and cease pulling
everything within me tips
as my head nods to his musings

feelings bubbling up
can life stop being confusing
the terror in our meeting
as your eyes capture my soul
the taste of lemon in my mouth
too many seeds to plant
so I spit them out
and watch them fly
as far as they can go
expanding horizions daily
who knows how big they'll grow
I'll lay back and lay out
put my heart on display
but not hand it out

poppies growing in the cracks
that create when we meet
face to face, then back up
taking distance
reminiscing on the missing
that's caused by all that is missing
as you light the spark within my heart
reviving the passion I thought was unlisted
but now it's here and it's knocking, annoyingly persistent
if you get my jist and find that list, could you pen me in?

clear the page and clean the sheets
turn the clock and blow the roof down
tell me it's now without words

keeping together through poetry
not running, but walking, home
the Fall is not so much as a leap
as a gentle floating from Summer
the Heat searing shut wounds
from the bitter chill of
Winter's thrusts,
broken trusts,
tucked guts,
now spreading out in gusts
of feeling in the wind,
the chill of Winter
returning, in tickles
down my spine, my sides,
curling, I twist, and hide.

to be a human
is to hide
but I'm a creature
who soaks in light

feeling light
as I sit in the memories
finding the peace within them
and setting aside what doesn't serve me

the swerve in me
where I didn't think there was
deserving in me
has calmed to a sway
as clouds part open
as my perspective shifts
as spirits lift up
and far out of me

a single soul to dwell within
this vessel of mine in which I can hide
only within the mind, my thoughts
everything within my eyes, my heart

I grow inside
turned outward
peeled back
savage
flaming
tender

emotional ******
hearts mend and render
me weak to my hearts prayers
my layers wound tight
entangled with fright
of what's right
if it's just a thought
reality it's not
but the thoughts still tickle
tingle
down my spine
into my *****
throbbing
from inside the mind

what's this I find?
my shadow basking in it's pleasures
as I sit and sip my coffee
smoke my spliff
play the same old riff
inhaling the impaling
that plays out in my mind
the same old tune
we played in june
only this time it's me thinking ***** things
feeling guilty that you're not a part of my fantasies
feeling grateful that you're a part of my reality
unsure where you fit
if you fit, and if you feel nice inside of me.

My city exists on the outskirts
Where the conversations chirps
Can't reach me
Prayers for guidance
as my feet tap
  tap
Asking is knocking
While seeking direction
I breathe a little deeper as my heart raises vibration
Can't touch me
As I change directions
Moving through obstacles
Fluid, lucid, no longer ruined
I release my arrow
Refusing cupid
Can't catch me
No longer drinking myself stupid
I soar through the unknown
Flashing my new wings
As proof I've grown
This hermit
steady working
Has some repairing to do at home

In lands not much greener
The grass still grows

I knew today would be different
when my skin turned into hummingbird water
as I sweat my stress out beside you
never wanted to have the memories so close
the ghost of tangiblity brought me back in time.

As I felt myself grow in the place I once broke,
I couldn't help but hope you'd appear before me.
The adoration is fading, but this heart can't get enough
of this cyclical heartache that's hurt me so much.
Loving you is easy when you're not around.
The ghost of you keeps me daydreaming
and I'm lost in the clouds.

I seek sunsets and starlight,
moonlight, walks through the trees.
I seek for your sunflower eyes,
but it's nothing but blue seas.
I'm lost in a dream,
but I can't lose my steam.
My love is bold and waiting,
this time, it's patiently.

I want to serenade you in my marinade
until you're good and hot
but this fever dream you're lost in
has everything I don't want
I tell you that I miss you
but it seems that you've forgot
the distance between us doesn't matter
when it's true love that we've got

you tell me that you're broken
and then you leave me bruised
I know your pain is important
yet you need to understand that
it is no excuse

to get lost in feelings is something
that I know too well
I'm here to remind you that you're stronger
than your demons spell
in you turmoil I will not faulter
and you must do the same
I will always be here for you
in your vulnerability there is no shame

I've been around the block and back
and seen these men play their tricks
children in their minds
only thinking with their *****
I am full of power,
strength you've yet to see
so when you say you love me,
it's not easy to believe

Trust is not a given
it's earned as well as shared
little things you do can build
or simply leave me teared
so if you want to hold me
and keep me in your heart
then don't go sneaking playing games
or you'll break what we have apart

when all we have are words
to express the ways in which we feel
the silence can be deafening
when I know you're not being real

All I have is what I am
and what I give to myself
I will share with you each part of me
until I've given my whole self
but with words you leave unspoken
I feel I fall apart
tattered are my pieces
yet still a work of art
be careful of the things you hide
beneath my translucent heart
I can see straight through the *******
and I will have no part!

thanks for ******* me
just hard enough
for me to want you back
but to never take you back

She was a sunset
layered colors in the clouds
amused to attune to my muse
stunning hues
as I pay my dues
with due diligence
as I accept what I must refuse
lighter blues
all the same as it was before
brighter
     just because
fresh eyes see better at night
scattered moonlight gathers
as my heart sings

Each beginning must meet an end
For another beginning to break
The dawn of a new day beckons flowers to bloom
As such petals may fall come noon
What joy once gave you fades in your wake
As the petals furl and uncurl
In the wind
I, too, take flight
My bones outstretched
Catching winds
The winds your sigh cast
The winds beneath those tattered feathers you once called home
The wings you once called joy
Joy in a moment too sudden to drift away
I see darkness in the sky
Clouds parting to grant me a glimpse at the moon
Clouds dissipating at my glance
At a chance
Taking chances as the clouds roll back in
Love lessons in these moments
Just as the flower blooms
Another love begins to fade
Your feathers gather in piles beneath the stars
As you make movement, taking flight
My eyes quiver at the thought of losing you
Moonlight hidden from me today
Never too far from home
Yet home beckons me
My jaw grinds
bone to bone
Your freedom is all I can offer
Dropping your feathers
Bleeding seeds
Flashing moonlight as you leave
From petals to feathers to bones to ashes
I miss you in the fire
of a new night to warm up in
I miss you in the crisp mornings
Planting seeds

I found myself crooked,
splayed for you to take.

No longer contorted,
comfortably displayed,
after baked .

Seething is soothing lately
To feel without words
To shake out the energy
That does me no good
Abundance where I am stood
Serving up a good mood
Less attitude exudes
As my ego subdues
I miss your presence
Long to bathe in your essence
Reminisce on the lessons
And forgive all transgressions
Pedal with me baby
Through the familiar
And the unknown
Tell me about your dreams, daily
Show me what you're made of shady
Midas
Leave me in the middle
Molten after brittle
Glowing more than just a little
Watch me sink within the middle
Watch me morph inside your riddles
Love me splendid as you slumber
Our dreams blended with each other
Mending heartache
This lasts forever
Never reaching for each other
Why bother?
Oh bother!
I wish this dreaming would last forever

oak trees dropping
thorns today
the pine is my friend
no acorns in this shade

the weeds I pulled
left me bleeding

to see you
jaw dropping

to hear you
nearing my end

to feel you
my undoing

so here's to a letter never sent

a flame I dare not light
stares back at me
such as the moon above me
looking back at me
past me and through me
through with me
the one you used to know
but look back to see
that's no longer me
both all the things you loved
and hated when we dated

dreading taking me to public places
I can see why now
I've seen for a while now
how you want to just do it
not teach me how
furl your brow
curling me now
unfurling me
show me
that you want to get to know me
say something
say something
don't ghost me you heathen
fighting your demons
as you are cheap
rotten, cheating
stealing my innocence
my breathing
getting choppy
as you're getting messy
clumsy fingers to the strings
slapping away
slapping me away
didn't want me either way
not tomorrow
never today
left a letter
never sent
don't know where the **** it went
just felt bent and broke harder
burnt charocal burns hotter
as my skin melts on the grill tonight
you're really grilling me, alright?
did you think I forgot the fights?
late nights
arguing
until you kissed me goodnight