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83 · Mar 4
messed up lately
Pen Lux Mar 4
burning today
fingers aching last night
popping knuckles
not so easy
feeling a bit uneasy
reeling backwards
popping neck bones
whiplash when I thought I saw you
collarbones calling
swinging to meet your gaze
saloon swinging
swooning then ringing
returning back to where I saw you
forgetting the misery
of bones popping
head hanging
feeling low
again burning
burning notes
meeting you
singing notes
screaming tones
bleeding never felt so good
never tasted so good
to live without food
what a mood
to sit and brood
teeth clenched
thoughts intrude
it's all for you
I bite my lips
chew off the skin
and bite again
bleeding never tasted so good
knowing we cannot be friends
we cannot
be
friends
82 · Oct 2024
nightlight
Pen Lux Oct 2024
a flame I dare not light
stares back at me
such as the moon above me
looking back at me
past me and through me
through with me
the one you used to know
but look back to see
that's no longer me
both all the things you loved
and hated when we dated

dreading taking me to public places
I can see why now
I've seen for a while now
how you want to just do it
not teach me how
furl your brow
curling me now
unfurling me
show me
that you want to get to know me
say something
say something
don't ghost me you heathen
fighting your demons
as you are cheap
rotten, cheating
stealing my innocence
my breathing
getting choppy
as you're getting messy
clumsy fingers to the strings
slapping away
slapping me away
didn't want me either way
not tomorrow
never today
left a letter
never sent
don't know where the **** it went
just felt bent and broke harder
burnt charocal burns hotter
as my skin melts on the grill tonight
you're really grilling me, alright?
did you think I forgot the fights?
late nights
arguing
until you kissed me goodnight
77 · Oct 2024
left to mull
Pen Lux Oct 2024
oak trees dropping
thorns today
the pine is my friend
no acorns in this shade

the weeds I pulled
left me bleeding

to see you
jaw dropping

to hear you
nearing my end

to feel you
my undoing

so here's to a letter never sent
mull: a verb : think about (a fact, proposal, or request) deeply and at length.
64 · Apr 1
wash me, freeze me
Pen Lux Apr 1
melted
molded
molten
golden
bending with the wind
striking like the hammer
lightning booms
it's hailing in April
I make my coffee
hot enough to melt mushrooms
hot enough to warm me from the inside
I move my burning, shaky fingers,
as I stir the spoon
I hear the thunder rumble
my stomach rumbles too
this coffee I made is enough for two
I step outside to get a closer look
I'm alone now
it's what I wanted
all for me
these shaky fingers
these deep breaths
the hail softens to snow
I exhale
It's a fools snow
as the ground is too wet
for anything to stick
slippery sticky frozen mess
I feel blessed, shaking out the stress
I sigh and go back inside
it's about time to leave the house
and I begin to hear the pitter patter of rain again
63 · Mar 4
Uruz
Pen Lux Mar 4
My heart splits in two
I see what I must do
Give into this Hermit life
To see my life's path through

Kindness that's been buried deep
The kind I used to give to me
Has begun to rise and fall—I weep,
I mourn for the moments there was a "we"

Knowing that our Never is all that's left of past Forevers
I gather my bearings and proceed with my endeavors
Hands still healing from holding too tightly to our tethers
I've let go now, feeling lighter, sprouting my own feathers

My heart is mending, molding, fusing back into itself
As the pitiful wreckage of our past waves its final storms
I see myself walking alone, knowing he is not by himself
A shifting—I awaken to my own healing, my heart warms

I can love deeply, from afar, as I heal my scars
Never together, never apart, always a part
He will amuse me, in my heart, in the stars
But for now, it's just me inside this healing heart
Strength
62 · May 1
tickling time
Pen Lux May 1
I tremble to know,
to think, to speak.
I see below,
I sink, and shrink.

My troubles taunt me
as I peer through the rift.
Abyss greeting me again,
my darkness, once a gift.

The webs of my fingers,
dry, crusted, peeling.
I'm weaving my safety net,
tired, tied with feeling.

I grant my own wishes,
but he offers me kisses.
I shy away and shrink again,
unsure if love is meant for me.

I seem to see what's underneath
but thinking has gotten me,
thoughts rotting in me.
Sinking teeth
with stinking teeth
infecting me
with what's beneath.

This tattered heart, barely mending,
is caught up in defending.
Unsure if blending what's still misunderstood
will do anyone any good.

To open up was thought blasphemous
before such a day was bore.
(Thinking this heart too sore).
Now these teeth won't stop chattering,
ears perked up, yearning for more.
(Realizations haunting me).
The rift I peer into is in fact me,
outside looking in,
yet inside looking out.
Filled with doubt, skin shouting,
come closer.

I gaze into the rift, meet my abyss,
and meld with the void for what seems as forever,
yet in a moment forever has passed.
I think it's okay to drift again and thinking ceases.
Feeling myself shadow walking,
spirit singing a song once forgot
as this void expels new light.
31 · Jun 14
genuine void
Pen Lux Jun 14
alone again
breathing freely
thinking deeply
not so distracted
not so overwhelmed
dreaming again

more vivid
less rigid since I met him
glad I met him
glad he's gone

never could sleep in the same bed
didn't want to talk after we ******
didn't want another mouth to feed

another void to fill
another moment spilling my heart out
when all I wanted was to get my brains ****** out
wasn't really sure what I needed until I got something that I didn't
still not completely sure
but I know what I don't want
and that's a good place to start

— The End —