My love, i think Ive finally found you.
you came in as a surprise
out of no where
and put a smile on my face,
and it stayed in place.
i didnt think i believed in love at first sight
but you sure changed that fast
i thought i loved my last but
you should me that what i felt with him,
was not even close to love

Unforgettable... the lyrics of Nat K. Cole play through my head.....
if only i could have seen her walk down the isle to that song....to my dad....to what was supost to be a commitment...
I start to choke up and my eyes get blurred from the tears, violently approaching my weary eyes..
I wish i would have seen it. i wish i could have watched everyone rise from their seats, as my mother took her graceful, sol-um steps down the isle to her beloved....
i wish i could have seen his astonished face, with teary eyes from being swept away by her beauty.... Unforgettable....

Why am I so angry?......
What the **** do you think your doing?!
Take your eyes off of your phone for two seconds and take a look around you... Take your focus off the church for one minute and look at the people around you....
Your gaining all the wrong people and pushing away the ones that have always been for you....
I guess that's why I'm so angry..
I got a txt from you today:
"I really do care about your life grace.  Just Don't leave me in the dust" - Dad
Don't leave me in the dust????
ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?!?!
Yeah sure your one to talk dad....
"I don't just push people away for no reason"- Grace
Your a ******* joke.
C'mon dad werent you the one that taught me to be there for eachother??
I'm so tired of being the only one that's there for somebody in this relationship...
Going to all your shows, even your practices ... ****
You can't even come to one ******* SHOW!!! You never came to one swim meet..
Not one dance recital...
Not one talent show....
Not one...
Then you have the nerve to tell me not to leave you in the dust???!!!!!
I can't even believe you...
You were there before but now your given up before you even have the chance to try....
No dad you left me in the dust along time ago... And I was the ONE person that stood there with you through it all!!! I was there when everyone turned against you... I agreed with you when everyone else found reasons to disagree...
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LIKE YOU, DAD!!!!
....but now?
******* I'm not so sure......
I always stood next to you...
No matter how much you never came through...
But now?
I'm so gone.

COURAGEOUS,
COURAGEOUS ….is a feeling…
only one of our everyday motions
Or is it more?
Is it a figure of speech,
or just a random word picked out of the dictionary….
Is it a thought or just  a subject,
A FEELING or a PERSPECTIVE?
A hiding place or a stand point?
But what if it was more?
More than just a perspective……. OR an objective.
More than a thought.
Instead, a way of living,
A Mere reflection of the spirit LIVING IN…..US
A physical replication of a worldwide SOUND echoing from the very attribute of us being COURAGEOUS
A BRAVE way to dive head first into tragedy  and create an uprising in the many hearts who only seek  to obey the laws of men.
To be a manifesting representation of CHRIST in an unbelievable way that will ARISE  an outburst of PASSION  in the hearts of MANY.
To be courageous is to live everyday as if it was literally your last.
To BE COURAGEOUS is a statement

You see I've been waiting for your call back.
Cause to hear your voice is all i need even though i don't deserve that.
I know i made a mistake and baby hate I that,
I didn't trust you but I love you please just call back.
Cause I'm dying without you here, nothing feels right, without you in my life.
Ohhh baby!
Ive got to feel your touch again.... will you let me in?
I knock on your door at 3 come on i i know your in there
you open the door and i say one more time, baby?
I know we just had a break up but Lets just make up and then we'll make love.
Have good good ***.
we can let it all out, and forget it all, so baby are you gon give me a call?
See sleeping alone just aint the same.
And baby day in and day out i wanna show you how,
I really am the one.
please don't say were done
You deserve such a big apology.
Even though me blaming you deserves so much more than words.
You've got understand I didn't mean to hurt you.
Remember when we first met, you were hurting, i was the only one not disconcerting you. I gave you something to relate to.
You wanted to feel something so I gave it to you,
i made you feel love and i set you free of,
everything you were scared of, come on baby lets go ****.

(not really a poem, just thoughts)
(This is what I think God would want me to say in this time)
Beloved, listen carefully in these days
There are some who will try everything in their power to get you to stop fighting for what you believe. To get you to forget, and do something you’ll regret.
People will tell you that you cant do what you want to achieve in Me.
They will beat you, spit on you telling you your worthless, and not good enough.
BUT LISTEN to Me, I tell you, forget them. Keep their foolish words as far away from your soul as you can. Because if you listen, they will spiritually destroy you, Beloved, remember what the enemy wants. Division, distruction, and to slowly get you to crawl back to your old ways, and loose sight of Me.
But I say do not dwell In your old ways, throw them to the bottom of the ocean and leave them.
I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE SURFACE, I care about your heart. If you want an encounter from me, be real with me….
PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT ALL FEAR..
your mouth could be saying yes but your heart….says no… I don’t look at you as people on this earth, only looking at the surface. I care about your heart.
When you have FEAR, it exposes and takes over you and it controls you and makes you lack hope in ME….


Beloved,
There is nothing in this life that I give you, that will be to difficult for you. You WILL go through trials and hard ships to get you to the place were you will listen, it will be hard but if that’s what it takes to bring you to your knees and hear Me, it will only cause you to grow more like me spiritually. Yet I will NOT leave you. Do NOT live your life in fear, of what other people think, don’t live your life striving to be perfect, you will only fall farther and farther into the devils pit of lies.

oh dear valentines... you've come so fast
i come without a lover this time
...no candy hearts or big teddy bears
my hearts be come so brittle as stone when it comes to letting you go...
..and as i walk down aisles and aisles of chocolate hearts
suited with a bow or two i can only think of you my love
yet you are a lost cause....
in reality there is no hope for us the possibility of you and me are so slim...
when you pass me by the side walk,
do you ever think of us,....being more than friends?
i just have to know... could this be more than just another crush?
if only..
my head is jammed with voices telling me its no good..
..is it
without you there would be no one to impress.

I wish we would get along..
i wish that we had never went wrong
but you messed up and i messed up
and lines got crossed so here we are now....
i wish you'd love me like you love her.
i wish you'd treat me like your daughter,
your one and only.
Remember you said after you got married
you'd have more time for me cause you'd be settled down
well look how that turned out.
cause now you're in the corner across the room
looking at my picture from 8 years ago
wishing i was over there
yeah i was young wasn't i?
then you ask me why i don't like her
or why i don't like coming over....
cause i was left alone..
i hate being alone
and  now I'm in the middle of no where
wishing you would be missing me too.
wishing you where here...
do you ever miss me too?
i Guess things got a little complicated..
i wish i could speak to you, tell you all the things that i've gone through
just to get to you..
just to be with you....

I feel so overwhelmed...
Right now I don't know what to think..
Snap out of it Grace he deserved it.
It's not the same between us anymore.
What happened to you?
What happened to us dad?
"I heard you recorded your first CD...
That's so great.."
"... I'm having a show daddy."
"I wish you could be there"
"Can you come?"
"Ohh... Your busy?... No it's fine..I understand"
Did I mention I miss you?
Even though I see you, I don't really see you... Cause your not ever really there..
I wish you were.
I wish you cared more...
I wish you could hold me now...
Ohhh your busy?
No it's fine I understand.....
I wish I could tell you how confused I am.
I wish you could tell me it's all gonna be okay and sort this out for me...
Am I a bad person?
Am I a disgrace to you?
Scream if you must but these questions are real....
I need you now daddy. Dad where are you?
Am I doing the right thing?
Don't answer that... I know you wouldn't anyway.
Dad? Are you listening?
Ohhh okay I'll try again some other time...

What am i doing?
As i am pacing i wonder
he feels so good, yet its so wrong....
i cant help but want him this badly..
who am i? ..willing to do just about anything for him to show any kind of affection.
But you see, he would just be playing with a toy
because to him, thats all i represent
but i love him so i let him through me around
and stuff me in a toy box full of other used, dusty broken toys as he goes on playing with a new one he found because he got tierd of me...
so i just wait and watch as he thinks this used toy doesent see..

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin'my daughter on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These ******' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on


Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
"But baby wait,
"It's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, **** it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

I'm thinking about the person that you want me to be.
and I'm looking at you now thinking about your reputation.
you speak of hope when the people all remain voiceless.
you speak of love with all these people so broken.
These people are starving for love..
who are we to judge them?
How much longer can we ignore that these people have been robbed of their joy?
We are all searching for a leader to look up too.
something like a God to hang are hardships and pain on...
But they cant find a leader so they look to the media telling them its ***, drugs, and money that give you identity.
where are we Christians in all this?
where are you messengers of hope in all this?
i heard that tomorrows not promised today..
what if i died tomorrow?
what would the people have to say?
what would i be leaving with?
i don't want no regrets no
i don't want no regrets.

I am one thing to myself.
to you I'm another....
to the mirror
I am broken reflection.
to my dad,
I'm a visitor.
to guys
I'm just a toy.
to girls
im the one they only want sometimes.
to the church
I am a ****** up teen that's made too many mistakes.
to society
I am the shy one, that shows her self sometimes.
the one always looking for the lost sheep only realizing that i am that lost sheep among many.

where do i find my self in all these tittles?

i was raised here
i watched people come and go seen them grow old here...
I've watched my dad walk away from here.
through the years I've only grown further away.
how come church is where i always feel ashamed.
how come church is where I'm criticized.
HOW COME YOU EXPECT SO MUCH FROM ME?
on Sunday that's the one day I'm good enough....
then on Tuesday I'm a disappointment.
and I'm only good if i am on the worship team.
**** wheres me?

you and me....we were so close
father like daughter, the bestest of friends.
you were my savior, you taught me about Jesus, you used to read me the bible every night to me..
you deliverd me to Christ and prayed the prayer of salvation with me, and i was saved.
but see then you stopped coming home, and when you did, you were always drunk!
hitting my mom, pushing me around. i guess things got a little to heavy for you...
see, i wish i knew it was alchohal, i wish i knew that wasent my daddy, that would hurt me... but i didnt!
so i hide from you, under my bed, clenching on to my blanky cause you and mama were screaming...always fighting.
i didnt know what to do!!
what happens when the one you were suppost to look up to, wasent there. what if they started changing?
ever  since i was little all i wanted to do was follow in your foot steps... i only wanted to be just like you . play piano like you did, walk/ talk like you did, be Christ like you did, but now....?you were so angry at me, so drunk...you hated God, i even thought you hated me, so i did too... then you left me and mama at home not knowing what to do...not knowing where you were, where you went. i hated myself, because my own father hated me! you probably didn't know that, did you... probably didn't know that Ive wanted and to commit suicide ... and i wouldent be here, if my mom and my friends hadent caught me... I NEEDED YOU THEN! .... dad, i needed you to show me that God didnt hate me, that he set me out to be a woman of God. That identity isnt about fitting in, or being so perfect all the time. since i didnt have you in my life i was always fighting for approval because i felt like when you left, you hated me, that i wasent good enough to be called your daughter. i wish i would have known its okay to make mistakes sometimes... i wish i would have known about controlling my anger, and to have respect for my leaders.... i wish i would have known that i could stand up for myself, but i didnt... i didnt know that i was important. important enough to not hurt myself. that i was made for more... so i had to figure that out for myself! after years of hating God and YOu, i had to figure out what a fool i was and that i really didnt have to let people abuse and mock me... that i could havve stopped that! i wish i knew that when i was  threatend to be killed, i could have called out for help, i could have told someone.... but you stood back...behind the lines. i thought i lost you...

Depressed, she sit in front of her cracked mirror, putting on her disquise...
She crys behind a hopless smile, thats hoped to hide her insecurity, but only reveals the hurt thats bottled up inside her forgotten heart. On her way to her corner she weeps. Because shes forced to sell her self to get her mom money for drugs that brings abuse to her bruises. ...Critisism follows her wherever she goes. shes been belittled and told shes worthless her whole ife.....Longs to be accsepted by someone whose not just intrested on her buy.. shes been pushed aside and called trash for to long... who will believe in her? who will carry the weight on her shoulders, tthats been pulling her deeper and deeper into the hell that shes living in...

Hey you, yeah you its me, remember me?
the one you used to call your best friend, or at least it seemed.
whats going on with you?
cause somethings diffrent and i can feel it comming out of you...
Lord help her.
to you whats more important?
i can feel the anger in you rising up so high its about to burst out and come out smokin...
i can see all your old prioritys beginning to be shifted and the important ones all driftin..
**** girl where you goin!?
using all these temporary things to kick depression out the door.
trying to send it on its way
just dust it of your shoulder
knowing there is only one way
to keep it from getting any colder.
see you know its true.
and i think you know your running from the truth.
cause you're scared that deaths gonna catch up to you.
Lord i dont know what to do.
help me.
i need you.
yeah your scared you've abused your mind with very dark things.
and you've been showed some very hard things that have taken you places you didn't want to making it scar you.
every body goes through stuff
but you tend to dwell in it
but you've gone further and you've grown up taller
your finally seeing the world in a new order.
BAM then you get hit again falling flat on your face in disgrace
and all you can do is stand there while people humiliate you.
so your back into these temporary fixes again.
come on grace wheres your head at?

your so glorious babe.
you're just like a dream to me.
every look my way
every time you touch me
leaves me wanting more every time
you got me marveling about you day and night.
**** this is crazy..
I'm not that type to go out chasing after a guy on the first sight..
but boy the way you got me hooked babe reel me in.
By the way you got me feeling i can tell that there's gonna be more.
Shot babe, theres something so **** about the way you make me work for it
the way neither of us want to fall in love,
we just in for the fun of it.
**** those other guys could never  compare..
they say that company isn't enough cause they wanna fall in love.
yeah but I dont wanna hear that.
I'm just not there yet.
man either that or they say there's no more good woman among many
i guess i tend to think differently.
cause you go behind your girlfriends back with five other girls just using them on the side.
then you  lie and get mad at your girlfriend cause she just found out...
don't get me mistaken babe, im not saying they are all like that
but ****, you guys have a reputation of playing good woman.
so don't blame me if i don't wanna fall in love.

It's a cruel world we treat ourselves like an advertisement.
So caught up in an obsession that leads to death painfully, sadly.
Looking in the mirror watching her body  waste away,
Yet still to her it's getting more, and more beautiful every day.
Yet every day she get sicker,
covering up the hate for herself by Immersing  herself in liquor.
Is this the right thing that we've been teaching the world? To consume our self-hate? To tremble every time we see a title having anything to do with cake? Cringing everytime we think we might be gaining alittle weight? But alittle weight in reality is nothing to everyone else but an idea you created in your head. Constantly you continue to dread the next time you have to face a meal. Caring to much about the way you appeal.
She says she's 100 pounds too heavy.... Being 110 already.
Girl do you hear yourself?
You see a masked and disguised version of the body your confused  minds blinded you to always see.
scratching at anything everything trying to find a hint of self-worth yet leaving empty-handed.
it's a painful addiction promising you a body that's beauriful so pretty, too skinny.
Skipping breakfast like it's nothing. Then sitting before lunch and dinner don't want to feel the pain that so real, So you push the plate away and leave can't stand the thought of gaining another pound.
Running with your fears,
numbers dictate nearly everything you do.
So you restrict and starve.
Losing your hair as fast as your weight.
This is the painful cycle you choose that we all hate.
Your burning.
You consistently battle thoughts, temptations, it takes up all of your time.
They have no idea but they judge anyway.
you wish you were braver but the idea of throwing it all away is too much, to heavy. These excuses you use on this body that you consistently abuse it's crazy this pain is weighing piece by piece.
you tear  yourself apart.
your ribs getting more and more visible, your meat turning into nothing, it's clinical.
As hard as it is, they don't know what you feel and they never will...
Anorexia.

My friends,
You are not alone.
They're are people in this world who will
try everything in their power
to get you to stop fighting for what you believe.
people will tell you you can't do it, what you want to achieve.
They will beat you with there're words,
spit on you
Tell you, you're worthless and
not good enough.
But listen to me
FORGET THEN.
forget them
keep their foolish words as far away from your soul as you can.
Remember what the enemy wants.
What evil people want.
Division,
distraction,
hurt,
pain,
depression.
Nothing good will ever come from someone who thrives off of others peoples pain.
So forget what they say you can't do!
They can't even achieve happiness.
So throw there words to the depths of the ocean.
When you have fear,
it exposes you
and takes over you
  it controls you and makes you lack hope, IF key word IF you let it.
See perfect love casts out all fear and so that,
is just how we must come back up.
You can't fight negativity with negativity.
That just doesn't work.
So what then?
Fight negativity with goodness and favor.
Reach out to the people around you,
give somebody a hug,
Bless somebody with encouraging words that you haven't before,
Pray for your friends,
Give someone a friendly smile,
Let them know THAT YOU CARE.
And most of all that they're not alone.
And that is how we will achieve perfect peace.
A peace that passes understanding.
Let them know that even right now,
Even in the midst of all this devastation,
Even in the loudest shouting of your crys,
Even in the midst of your hurting when your pain brings your only comfort....
There is still a hope left uncovered.

Nobody likes anyone whose perfect.
yet how come we all strive to be perfection?
seems like we always want what we don't need.
we make it our every effort to be flawless for everyone else.
caring so much about the way others see us,
we forget to just be our selves...
Feeling so disconnected from the world
yet trying so hard just to feel accepted
we forget what it means to just be, without striving all the time.
never realizing that perfection is the you, without trying.

Have you ever Felt so afraid,
That you can't ever stand being alone?
Have you ever felt so abandoned that the circumstances in your life didn't matter cause you would be depressed whether they were good or bad?
Have you ever been so used to feeling alone that you would choose to be by yourself besides hanging out with your friends.
You'd rather sink into the floor then walk amoung the halls of your own home.
Have you ever been so bullied so much that the words almost just become numb to you and you can barley feel the stab at your soul anymore because of it.... Intact  to you peoples hurtful words are a distraction from everything else going on in the world that's so painful.
Have you ever felt so stuck to the point where you turn to drugs orlook to the end of your drink to try and find the answer to all your questions?
Feeling so disconnected from everyone cause of all your past mistakes....
It's nothing new for you.
Then the people around you treat you like an object that needs to be fixed... Like they know exactly what you need only causing you to fall deeper and deeper into depression like there's no way out.
Feeling like your just a project....
Or that one friend that no body wants around cause you always need somebody to just vent to, never getting a chance.
People call you attention starved but it's only cause your always alone...
I know how that feels.
Your not a project.
Your not stuck you can move forward.
Your not attention starved... Anybody would do the same if they had to go through what you did.
You are you and that's perfection

This life never gets fuller.
Thought I was suppose to grow, trying to look for the good but it only gets duller.
There must be something wrong with me. I can't stand you.. The way you abuse my steps and I meet the floor, how can you?
You hate me for foolish reasons that don't exist. Your words hitting me like a hard brick, they have power, you should know it. Your intentions aren't death but suicides clinging closer to my one last breath.  I feel it slashing deep at my emotions trying to gets taste of my weakness.
I won't give it to them, I wont let them win, I cang give in.

looking in the  mirror
look at me when im talking to you
dont trick yourself.
you think love is the way he touches you?
the way he used to wake you up at midnight just to have some good good *******?
He's got you lying saying he makes time for you cause he calls you on his break just to ******* then get back to work.
you say he shows you to his friends but its only to get you dancing on that stripper pole.
you say you know he has feelings cause after your finished he says
he loves ya
no a kiss says he means that.
yet he's got five other girls on the side.
nah, thats not love, no not even close.
but you cant stop your addicted.
**** your in so deep.
you think your fine till your all alone in your bedroom and you hate being alone so you call em'...
you do it like you hate him
you say you can take it with no feelings attached, but you know your lying.
deep down you know you want him... you want more, more , more
but you cant cause he wants nothing to do with love.
he's not into catch your feelings.
****..

You were my everything.
Everything that is  now nothing.
You were my every minute in every hour and I wanted to spend it all with you.
All of it just to be near you.
You were the "L" to my "ove"
The light to my sky
The diomond to my ring the voice that I sing
You
Were
Everything....
And I lost you...
All because of some stupid mistakes.
Some stupid mistakes that caused us to part are ways an now we don't even speak... Anymore.
The only word I SPEAK anymore is lonelyness and longing..
Longing for you to even care alittle bit.
Just enough to even look me in the eyes.
Just enough to remember how you and me used to be.
And I know you remember.
Because no matter how hard you try you can't erase me.
In every woman that you sleep with you'll remember me because you'll remember where I am suppost to be.
In every memory that you make I know you remember ours because you can't forget me.
I was your one and only
And you were and stil are all of mine.
Because you are my everything.
I used to say alittle time is all it takes.
Just a few nights with the girls is all I need.
But I still cry everytime I look in the mirror an only see me....
That empty space is where YOU are suppost to BE.
....but your not here and I'm here just trying to cover up all these tears from falling any closer to my chest making sure my parents don't hear because I want to look my best...
I know it's gotta be killing you because it's killing me.
If only it was. But it's not.
I hate that I love you.
I hate that every time I think, a thought always brings me back to you.
I hate that every time I dream your in it
Every time I make a memory you're not in it.
And everytime I want anything to do with you I can't be in it....
*******... Hopeless relationships.

Erm.
Well...
****.

You're so predictable..
If you want me in your life,
put me their but I am not the type to stick around and fight for a spot...
You can push me away but, Just remember
I gave a **** when no one else did.
If I didn't care I wouldn't have stuck around this long.
If you were me wouldn't you do the same?!
I'd rather be alone than be with you who always makes me FEEL alone.
I'm tired of you accepting me at my strongest
but turning your face away from me when I'm at my weakest...
****... The hardest thing in life is giving up someone close to you.. Someone you thought actually gave a **** about you
But I won't stick around waiting for you to start caring about me.
I have other people to turn to I will be fine dad don't worry about me.. Not that you would have anyway.
And her... Yeah that mother ******* ***** you're with, she can forget about me too. I'm sure it won't be too hard for her.
Don't expect respect from me if you don't intend on giving it. Because that's ******* and I won't take it.
**** you really can't trust anyone anymore and I'm done trying to.
Yeah I'm giving up on you but just remember I've tried for 8 ******* years...
So if you plan on giving up on something......
Remember why you held on for so long.
Goodbye dad.

She's so quiet.
Just look at her sitting there.
She must think so high of herself.
She's so pretty,
She must be conceded.
Whys she all alone all the time? ...
She must think she's better then us.
She didn't even look at me,
She's definitely a *****.

.....me?
Don't judge me so quickly.
I'm not better than you,
I'm not conceded,
I'm not rude, or
Selfish or an attention *****
Or a **** or a ***** no....I'm just...
Me...
I'm none of those things..
I don't think too high of myself, in fact
It's the opposite.
And I wish you'd listen,
I wish you'd hear what I have to say no other than because you cared
I wish you'd take me seriously when I say I'm broken
I wish when I was upset you wouldn't rush me through my sentences like its unimportant..
I wish you would just give me the encouragement and time I've been
Begging you for..
But that's not the case....
all you seem to do lately is talk over me.
Put words in my mouth,
Make me feel alone,
All you've done is make me feel like if I stayed in my room for the rest of my life,
I'd be doing everyone a favor.
Do you think I am lying to you when I say i am scared?
Do you think I'm being deceitful when I say I don't feel like living?
.....thank god I don't feel like proving it to you.
Maybe then you would see...
Maybe then you would know this whole time I've been nothing but TRUTHFUL to you.
You just never gave me enough thought, to listen.

everybody wants to tell me what i need.
you can play a role in my life but not the lead.
look at who you're talking to.
nothing you say will change my identity in what i do.
i see how your life is playing out too ...
my eyes are messing with me...The world never stops spinning.
never knowing when Gods gonna make the world shake us.
never know when its my last day.
could be today.... ****.
and today, I'm thinking about what id be leaving without.
when i leave i don't want any regrets.
when you look through my past you're gonna see a bunch of wasted nights,
glorifying drugs and the prospective of the people... looking for love in the broken. leaving with nothing.
This whole time God, you've just been standing there... waiting for me to finally listen to the words you've spoken.
****... I'm sorry i haven't been listening.
all these times i couldn't find you.... you where right there beside me...
man, you never know whose right behind you.
I gotta be careful cause Ive got some younger people that look up to me.
God, you've foreseen my future, you've painted it out like a glistening picture.
i think its time i really look at my life.
take a new look from fresh prospective,
and stop making it my objective to live life my way.
cause i tried it that way, cliche.
i heard tomorrows not promised
i don't wanna leave with regrets.

i trusted you a little to easily.
and you ******* me over a little to often.
I'm young but I'm wise enough to know that i was used.
i guess i cared a little to much for you i over looked it.
i was battered, to far gone.
you never cared for my feelings...
and i cared to much for yours.
i hope you burn in your stupid choices.
and i hope you never forget those regrets you're forming now cause you don't have me.
I am so done with you.
I'm gone.
you had your chance, but you abused it.
I'm happy to know that those three years i cared for you were all a waste of my ******* time.
Of course you left me learning one thing....
Now because of you i know not to trust so easy.
you loved me cause i gave in so easy.
you only stayed cause you knew you couldn't get anyone better..
i wish i knew going into this, three years ago that this would be hopeless.
that i would end up hurt.
****...
Have you ever walked through your house feeling like a complete stranger,
in between these walls you've walked by over a thousand times?
or felt like an outcast to these day one friends?
ever felt like just a maid to everybody else?
i feel that. **** that.
and ******* for tricking me...bring my hopes up only to through me to the floor.

God I just wanna know you.
You say you know me by name,
Well I wanna know you by name.
Lord what will it take to know you like your own son knows you?
I just want to fall in love with you God.
Just to dance for you
Just to sing for you
I would want nothing else God.
Nothing else... Cause your all that gratifys.
I wanna speak like you speak.
And have the faith that you had to heal so many hearts, God I want that.
You brought a dead body back to life countless times.... And if you live in me, doesn't that mean I have that?
If you were heaven on earth and you're in me doesn't that mean You are  heaven on earth  going through me?
Ihave such a longing and passion to just dwell in you just to romance you lord. I would be forever satisfied.
Be my all consuming fire.
I don't want you just sometimes
I don't want you just tommarrow
Or just today
I want you in every minute of every hour because Lord you define me.
You give me an identity that is longer than temporary.
Romance me God.
Show me you're deepests passion
Lord I just wanna know you.
I would be forever satisfied.

It's a new day.
And even the mistakes I made yesterday....
Are washed away.
The things I fail at today...
Will be different from the things i fail at tomorrow.
I've learned it's okay to mess up....
That I can't be perfect for every body.
I don't like being stuck I'm the middle...
But to move on, I guess ya gotta start somewhere.
It's a new day (:

alone.
i feel alone.
i feel frightened and scared without him...
unless im with him i feel haunted like im in a dream...
without him.....
i dont know what to do...
i dont ever feel myself without him..
i need him here
i miss him
with everything i am i mean it when i say he is all ive ever wanted...
where are you?
do i even matter?
do you even care to care?
DOES ANYONE CARE THAT IM HURT TOO?
please..
i dont want to always be the only one caring!
DAD?!?!?!
Come on dad, please where are you?
i havent seen you in months...
i mean really seen you.
i miss you....
and i guess i just wish youd miss me..
i wish youd call me a million times just hoping that i would answer..
i wish you were dieing to hear me sing...
i wish you would just once drop everything for me...just to see me.
i wish it wasent the other way around.
you dont care.
and even if you say you do, i know you well enough to know that you dont.
without you dad i cant live!
i cant even speak!
but for you without me?
you just go on with everything...
everything...but me.

Im insecure
Im scared and unsure
Of myself.
I don’t really play video games
Or read a lot of books.
Im not that smart
But I like to pretend I am in front of you.
And infront of you im one person,
With myself im another.
Ive made a lot of mistakes
That one day ready or not all have to face…
Im a fanatic about piano and I sing A LOT
Im sure it annoys a lot of people. But that’s okay.
Sometimes I don’t understand who I am or even know what to do next.
But I guess that’s when I put my faith in God and just rest.
Im just like you.
I hate being rejected,
I hate conflicts
And I have issues too…
I guess if you really think about it,
Im not that much different than you.

im so sick of screaming into my pillow, and banging my fist into my bed... making a reck of myself
so sick of playing stupid mind games to keep from thinking about it...
im so sick of acting like im okay with never seeing you....
so sick of trying to keep these tears from coming, and when they do
im so sick of hiding them behind closed doors
....biting down on my cloths so no one can hear me
daddy the only place i wanna be is in your arms....
i hate this.....
what will take this anger away?
so sick of not being able to write about anything else...
but you,
you don't even know this blog exists.
so sick of holding a grip on the poles of my head board that my hand goes numb,
hoping if i hold on long enough,
if i scream loud enough,
...cry hard enough...
that maybe i wont care anymore.
she said forget it, it wont happen... you'll never see him anymore then you do now..
do you not see how happy i am when im with him..
only one word of her saying yes could fix this...
nothing else...
and im so sick of it!
so i run....
run away
tell she cant find me
tell she forgets my existence
im sure it wouldn't be hard for her to do  
i run far away
until
i finally
become reunited
with you again.
ill run until i can jump into your arms
tell i can tell you how much ive missed you
and wonderd when i could see you again...
i would tell you
..that i love you
and i would never want to leave..
mom dont make me leave....
let me stay with my dad
ill be okay
please...
listen to me
i need this
i need him, with me..
please?

My love,
Your my heart, my life, my song,
and I can't stand it
The profound beauty of your whole being is such a temptation like a rolling wave trying to sweep me in, I try my best to resist..
Babe,
My thoughts drive me crazy when I find myself not being able to stop thinking about you,
Imagining us laughing and then falling into eachothers arms and being able to feel the smile in between eachothers lips as we kiss....
The part I hate is, that you don't love me back... You adore the thought of me, but you don't
love me.....
So I hate that I love you.... I can't Stand it, you know exactly how to touch to keep me staying for another hour more,
If only your heart was engraved in mine babe, as mine was in yours,
I hate that I love you......

if you dont mind babe, let me sort my thoughts out...
the first time i saw you i knew i wanted you.
by the way you where looking at me from across the room
and by the way your body was moving i could tell you where trying to test me.
but boy come on dont test me... cause
****....
with all this attention your giving you're making it hard to fight this feeling..
see, i want this but babe i swear i know how this will turn out.
you want loyalty but you cant give it.
you think you play it well but we all see you wanna hit it and only hit it.

I wonder what it would be like....
How it would feel... All the sensations...
Imagining The warmth of your touch pulling on my skin. Grabbing me and placing me in all these positions. ******* I remember this. The way I'd guide your hands down me, you pulling my hair.
Trying so hard to let go but your temptation and I'm giving in. This is so wrong... But ****..
Everybody loves a good girl gone bad. It's not so bad, just let it happen... I can't...
You put my legs around your back pulling me closer to your skin this is so incredible. Then you hold me in your arms, I feel so ****.  Can't even give you a glance *******.  
This is where imagination gets me
Wake me up.

i see your lieing eyes, you whisper in my ears, that you've got me i your chains...how did i get here? im so blinded by the roads Ive taken.. searching for an identity in all the wrong places. now i caught myself only caring about being in the hype and only wanna live up my life with foolish idols that never fill just leave you emptier.  but im wide awake now, no more turning back, im not running anymore, time to face my new life. To much of this life was wasted on foolish things....im wide awake now..

I
Am
Me...
I'm just a normal girl.
Grew up realizing that love inst just given....
i knew by five years old that I'd have to fight for what i believe in.
realizing that abuse is so much more common..
this world is scary....
something happens when you realize no one can save you from falling away from who you are.
something happens after the first time you loose yourself.
something shifts, creating a shaking down to your emotions...
its so much more common for people to belittle you and hurt you.
shaking you like an abused dog and throwing your emotions to the ground.
there comes a day like today when you realize that everything thats worth it, must be fought for.
and ignore all the threats and curses that people throw at you and push through all the times that your left alone in a room full of people...unloved, untouched, broken, and shattered..
you finally realize you have to fight to be accepted..
that you have to fight to be loved...
that you must fight for it all.
yet of course, you wont leave without a few scars...
yet that's okay..
at least you got what was worth fighting for.

You reach a point in your life when you realize
who really matters,
who never did,
and who always will.
dont worry about them worry about yourself.
some people really need to hold back there opinions...
nobody's perfect
and i dont know why you expect them to be....
people are gonna have flaws
and so do you so why point them out?
It's sad how the people you were once so close with can become just another stranger you don't know.
I love you, but Should hate you. I miss you, but I'm better off without you. I want you out of my life, but I never want to let you go.