you break down my soul into a million pieces,
and my insecurity shows...
i run away,
searching for something more,
striving for release,
....god where are you?
she digs deep in my pain,
and she stabs me with her pride.
i tryed showing respect, but
i guess you dont understand grace...
All you wanna do,
is twist my words up....
im all alone in my bed room....
and anger rises in me,
fear rises in me...
i start throwing things,
making a reck of things out of my
pain..
........i needed you then....

she shoots me down....
right in the heart..
so Your just perfectly wired,
aren't you!
with no blemishes or flaws or faults..
apparently your perfect
and i'm a worthless *******..
To you i do everything wrong
, i'm the opposite of right...
To you i'm not your friend! i'm just there!
...just there so you can bicker at me
and so you can have someone to prove wrong
i cant say one thing without you raising your gun
...taking your aim every time i speak...
*****...
i don't even  know why i even open my mouth....

When you think you see...
You really don't.
All those things you say cause you think you have the control to manipulate me.
...When it just hurts
It's just like you to just stand there kicking dirt in my eyes telling me "just get up!!"
....it's not that easy, and you don't get it. So I guess I gotta point this out so you can understand IT.
"IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE, WHO FEELS LIKE I FEEL?!!"
Feeling stuck like your the only one trying to do the right thing anymore ....
Yet your surrounded by people who worship their sim... Stuck living the lie that you gotta fit it... You guys are tricked into thinking that the way you perform in front of
Your friends is how they decide whether your good enough when really there justnsearching for your flaws...!see I don't know about YOU but I'm tierd of choosing to drag behind someone else's shadow...living behind someone else's desguise I think they call it "living a lie"..see where I'm stuck is, when I'm trying to live for God, I automatically am shot out of the friend zone , ending up that its just me again. Vulnerable and alone. And the whole separating my self and playing piano alone ... Is getting old!! I know they say it won't be easy and it's a "relentless pursuit" but really? See its just like you to walk into my life and point out my flaws like daggers in my chest.. When your the one I am supposed to look up too. But when your not here where I'm at you REALLY don't know just how hard it is!! There is not one person I've met that seems to want the same thing as me...  "IF YOUR OUT THERE, WHERE ARE YOU?! PLEASE STEP UP!" Cause it's **** hard .. Do you not see my cry? I'm trying!!
But my crystal aren't loud enough... And it feels as though my prayers never leave me... Behind closed doors hoping that if I scream loud enough or cry hard enough MAYBE just MAYBE you'll hear me. Just realizing that you won't cause no ones really listening.... Hoping that if I hide behind this disquise long enough you'll forget who I used to be.. I miss you dad... I haven't seen you in 4 weeks do you hear me now? Friends, will you finally listen?.... Please if you'll just let me speak I will tell you.... Just don't let me speak only to find that your not really listening... How I see it ..... Is... PLEASE STAND UP!! If your striving and hurting please reach out!! Because there's people just like you and me, trying to decide whether to speak or to stay silent.. Cause there stuck finding that when they open up people don't seem to care what they have to say... All I'm asking is IF YOUR DO CARE.
V please stand up and ask me, ask your friends, ask your enemy's cause I hurry tee there's a lot more people "stuck" and hurting .. Just like you and me...

God,
is preparing a people,
who will dare to believe Him when it seems  as though darkness has its grip on you..
when you wake up and feel like giving up, because you cant remember who you are any more..
When darkness rises up in the hearts of many around you and  the people close to you are consistent with hanging chains of ******* on your life, creating burdens....
when struggles are pressing into you,
when all you do is  linger in the idea of leaning on your own understanding...
Turn your heart towards God once again and let his astounding love anoint your whole being
without leaving one inch behind..

For i say hear me!
doesn't it always get darkest before the sunrise?
The victory is ours!
Times of glorious triumph is ahead!
So rise up and declare happiness when times get rough, and circumstances say that your worthless, recognize that, that's the enemy, and cast out there lies.
Start seeing yourself from a heavenly prospective, NOT how your earthly experiences depict you.

Thats why i died on the cross for you,
thats why i took the crown of thorns for you,
Because i...wanted...YOU!
so you wouldn't have to be drowning in sin,
so you could live and not be afraid of the devils curses.
Thats why i said "it is finished"
I ment it...

TODAY I WANT TO MAKE AN EFFORT
AN EFFORT TO BE THE CHANGE
Today is a new day,
Im gonna try my best to make it.
Because right now I don’t feel very STRONG…
Like im dwelling in all this fear
Wrapped up, trapped up in all my WRONG..
Lookin at everyone around me,
These people who know,
When they go HOME,
Its nothing more than two fists and twenty rounds of PATRON….
But for all I know, I cant stop IT,
Except for walk around and do my best to bless others before
Their to discouraged and drop IT..
Cause what better day to do it then today.
Tomorrow is just to late.
for all I know the one on my right
could be contemplating suicide..

Is it just me,
or does it seem like church
isn’t really how God wanted it to be?
They like to expect things of me, that I just cant be.
Im trying but this person hidden deep inside of me got me fighting for a lot of me, looking deep inside of me, only alittle hope left, as far as I can see…
And as far as I can see, wearing snap backs, hoop ear rings, and skinny jeans isn’t a public disgrace, humiliation or the sign of a bad reputation
As long as your seeking, searching, looking for his face
You come to church for meditation
You come to God for worship
Even though you think we are coming here with are own vanity purchase .
Im not trying to hate on my own kind
But im not in with these actors called pastors.
Manipulating woman, doing these things behind the stage,
And AFTER THAT singing a solo on WORSHIP?
Whats next?
That’s backwards.
They might as well be sniffing ******* first..
And if that’s God, then I don’t know HIM
I guess im already in my church clothes

looking down deep into the floor
i feel the stinging bite of my shame and guilt
her threating words
play over
...and over in my head
my eyes searching for some good reason for this...
there is none
you brought up my past,
to use as your own filthy defense...
you point out me weaknesses and empower me with the things i do not know
so YOU can be lifted up by others, and feel the joy of watching me suffer..
ZAM!!
another stinging shock goes through my body,
slowly killing me with every ******* word you say
can you say, you really dont realize the pain thats shooting through my veins,
pounding at my chest, bringing me to the floor....
i see my pain,
i see yours...
****...why you?

God help us
...I was a fool...
I heard you loud and clear
To remember
My resolution, and my
Goals.... But
I ignored you.... And I
Continued to follow
In my own sinful
Desires.
What can I do, Lord
Please forgive me,
I don't want to be a fool, God!
I want to honor you
In all my ways!!
But I guess it's
Hard sometimes....

After all those years, hiding my face from you,
...judging others,
bashing your character,
and letting sin drive my life...
putting my love from music and singing worship for you behind me...
After giving up on you....
all it took was one encounter from you god
to drop to my knees and relize what a deep lie i was living in...
that ive been a slave to sin for far to long...
that maybe ive forgotten who the grace God created me
to be and turned my life into *******...
the worst part is i became so blind for so long that i didnt recognize the Me ,
that God created me to be...
so i said God, after all the years i gave up on you,
and hid my heart from you,...
have you lost hope in me?...
God, oh God
is there anything you can do?...
He said,
all the times you bashed my name and gave up on me,
* I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU!*
i love you the same as i always have...
and my joy was overwhelmed when you came back...
All the times you slipped up,
all the times youve turned your face from me,
i will never hide my face from you
... now its time, i can finally finish my work in you...

scars on my face,
my voice was never heard...it was stolen  by you...
how could you hurt me like this?
i thought you said i was yours....what happened to me being your everything?
remember when all we had to do was gaze into each others eyes
and everything was right....
how could you forget?, i remember......
you tricked me, from the very beginning,
so this is it, say goodbye babe,
cause im never gonna have one doubting thought about leaving you...