You'll be fine when...
Eternal lie...
Waiting never...
Made anyone feel...
Better...
Once you've...you'll feel different
Cruel promise...
Aiming the wrong way...
Won't get any closer...
To truth...
Just a phase*
Dismissal...
Will not help...
Denial is...
Pointless

I am not who you say I am,

I do not fit in boxes,
Except the ones,
I made for myself.

I am not for you to label:
"Fragile" or "Handle with care",
I'll tell you:
"This way up" and "Do not crush".

I will not conform to stereotypes,
Or another one's ideals,
Just to keep them happy,
At my expense.

I am not an anomaly,
A statistic or a test subject,
I do not need examining,
Or curing,
Or filling with drugs.

I will not judge,
On appearance,
And neither should you.

I am not who you say I am,
I am who I say I am,
And I will tell you in my own time.

Here we go,
The finish in sight,
The warm-up's over,
No comes the fight,
Through fatigue,
Tension and heavy feet,
When all signs say no -
Time to be the athlete

A word.
Just one.
Repeating.
My vision blurring.
Blinking fast.
A warmth tingling across my skin.

A voice.
Not mine.
Repeating.
My head hazy.
Confusion.
But feel a clear change.

No more.
Same old.
Repeating.
Do as I say.
Speak up.
Be who I promised.

She can't see,
Her eyes are not covered,
But no light reaches them.

She can't move,
Her arms are not held,
But they do not obey her.

She can't cry,
Her lips do not smile,
But she cannot release the tears.

She can't feel,
Her heart is not cold,
But it will not break down its walls.

She is broken,
And terrified,
"Who's there?"

"Anyone?"

"I'm scared."

*"Of what, my dear?"

If I sit here staring into space
Perhaps I'm thinking
Or playing with thoughts
Posing some character and taking
a picture on an instant camera.

Or perhaps I'm singing
Some song in my head
that means enough to steal my sight
from my eyes
for my mind.

I'm not okay tonight
My focus is brittle
And scampering
Around my legs
Driving me mad
And filling
Every second
With sick, heavy thoughts
I hate them hate
Them hate they
Are not me.

I'm not okay tonight
I'm screaming, curling up
Into a ball of tension
One foot twitching
Breaths shallow
And shaking
Against the darkness
Sticking to my throat
And choking me
Into bed.

I have written of being lonely more times than I can count,
When I am still surrounded by my friends,
But there is a shadow behind me,
Longing to be replaced,
By a soft embrace,
And the colour of some dream's eyes.

I've drawn and I've imagined more days than I could know,
Of letting my heart fuse with another,
Of handing over my desires,
My time, my hope, my life,
To one, who'd share their own with me:
The colour of their dream's eyes.

So though I'm not alone,
And have loved and been loved before,
I still know what I'm missing,
And I can't stop wishing for it back,
So excuse me if I hold your gaze too long,
Looking for the right shade,
The colour of my dream's eyes.

I'm sorry if sometimes,
I can't smile,
It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

I'm sorry if sometimes,
I can't feel safe,
I'm just not sure quite where I belong.

I'm sorry if sometimes,
It sounds as though,
I've given up all hope of light.

Because I'm sorry, but sometimes,
Words cannot drag me free,
From the unending, pain-filled night

A whisper in my ear
A suggestion: wild
Pointless and fruitless,
But an unending desire,
Her skin shines,
Revealed and displayed
Tempting me,
The hungered denied,
But a hint offered,
A glimmer of quenched thirst
But stolen so quickly,
Leaving me longing,
Again.

These steel arteries
The life force of modern day
Expand our horizons
Let us escape
Go further than needed
Or just far enough
The breath of the city
A heartbeat, a step
A journey further on
Pulsing, turning forwards
To the future we're building
With tracks and trains and transport
That keep us moving on, on, on...

Laying back
A breeze calms my breath
And though summer winds grace reality
This morning is autumn chill
Between the rusty leaves of age
A youthful sun softly wakes
My jet black hair in moments gleams
And closed eyes are tempted to stir
The pale of my skin unblemished by scars
Has healed and relaxed again

This is an offering -
Of no expected return,
No bargain, no barter,
No deal, no debts,
Here: take my words.
All of them.
They are yours.
If nothing feels better, I want to make that last
So these words can rest in your mind when it's dark,
Rest in your hands when you're shaking,
Or your heart when it's breaking.
And when you run out -
I'll write you more.

When I look to the sky I see clouds not blue,
but I could have sworn the sun was shining when I was looking at you,
and when I listened to your voice,
I heard the words of a new verse
of a new song of a new world,
and from the edge of your tongue
the purest tone would burst,
and I'd be left deaf to all but your call,
your soul's pulse crying out as I fall
in love with a single note with no fear,
no tears nor hate could come near,
while that voice cries in music,
beautiful screams that mean,
more than meaning.

Bite me cold
Or crush me whole
For underfoot I stamp on souls
Of those that went the wrong way.

Steal my life,
All I know is strife
And the taste of a ****** knife,
When they knew not the right words to say

Burn my mind
All you left behind
Who still couldn't find
The means to pay

Your debts will torture you
As they have me
Fair?

If you believe, you can do anything
But not that
And not that

If you work for it, you can get anywhere
But not there
And not there

If you try hard, you can fix anything
But not that
And not that

If you love enough, you can be happy
But not now
And not now

If you commit, you can be anything
But not that
And not that

If you're ready, you can face the world
But not yet
And not yet

If you give enough, you can get anything
But not that
And not that

If you stand up, you will be counted
But not you
And not you

If you dream, you can do anything
But how could you ever hope to do that?

A voice I know so well
Words I wrote
Words that made me
Feel far too much
Like I'm falling backwards
Into the darkness I once
Swam through with eyes open
Staring as I drifted
As if in the distant depths
There might be some light
Some hope
Some dream worth chasing
Some reason to gasp at life
Like that last breath
Somehow
I could still sing along
And slip back into that water
But instead
I turn my head forward
And see filtering through
Hints of change
And a promise
An aim
A future to shoot for
To pull my arms into motion
And start swimming
Up.

As if from a dream,
Or maybe some time-soaked memory,
The white fabric hugged itself around me,
And opened my heart and lips to happiness,
As my eyes saw the girl in the mirror,
The same one from my dream,
And the curtain behind me becomes the cover of trees,
The seat beneath me a forest floor,
The light above me the stars of night,
And my breaths become a song.

"Nothing is real," she says,
Her tone a cloak for her meaning
But I know her words are a plea,
A last hope to convince herself
That the darkness is no more
Than a shadow puppet in some sick play.
She would welcome emptiness,
Silence and solitude,
For her these things would be a
Relief

Tempted by my reflection
To scold and scathe myself
The suggestion planted in a dream
I am wrong, I am broken, I am weak.
A voice in my ear as I look at my hips
"Too narrow, you freak."
And if I listened, I'd think these clothes don't fit,
That my body is destined to disgust,
But instead I ignore, no, defy,
And shout "This is who I am!"
"I am a daughter of God,
of a mother and a father."
"I am a sister of my sisters."
"I am loved by too many to drown in hate."
"I am me, I am free to love and to dream."
"I am mine, I am alive and I am baptised."

Don't forget me, Eagle,
As you soar away from pain,
Your fear of heights pushed away,
Replaced with new escape.
You told me to write a poem,
Of the red sun on green waves,
And said you wished to fly,
For the sake of being strong.
You told me to stop thinking,
And live life instead.
And you wished to be the only one,
Alive in this place.
So don't forget me, Eagle,
Because I will not forget you.

Is this a new love?
Or just wishful dreams
Latching onto friends?
That skip in my heart
Is just part of my pulse
But if it beats faster when she'd around
Does that mean...?

No, not again, I won't let another
Friendship descend into brokenness
By my selfish desires.
But that's never enough,
Maybe it would work out this time,
And caring could grow,
No, I musn't.

Wrapped around my wrist,
A trap, a catch,
The colour (black) defines me,
And with that pigment,
Justified hatred poured out,
Absolute disgust at my disagreement
with their designation of who I must be.

Each blow to my chest flattens the skin,
Beats me closer to submission,
Crushes my every chance at hope,
The cracked screen offers no escape,
Only the pain and punches offer
"Truth."

The vicious hunger in his eyes
Tells me I'm as good as dead,
And worse to him.
I am nothing but a sickness.

Our spirit tripped
And the onslaught began
Spat on, beaten, kicked
Teeth, boots and hands
Dragged through dirt,
Gravel, splinters, stones,
Pride and courage hurt,
Love and hope dethroned,
No hint of relent,
No easing of the fight,
No sitting on the fence,
Either Left for dead or Right.

You asked me if I would hold you in my arms,
As you began to fade and your strength began to fail,
But even as your eyes lost their final light,
There painted on your lips: one final smile.

If I tell the truth, all I really want
Is to walk with you again and feel the warmth of your hand.

I’m holding back the tears though you’re not here and still I can’t stop staring at the sky.
I thought it couldn’t end but I was wrong but still I'm searching for you in every star.
Yes, I know that only infinite things can burn so bright without fading to the past.
But I still want to save you,
So my heartbeat’s for you.

I wish I could go back and find when “I’m fine” was spoken as honest as your smile.
So pointlessly I keep holding your fingers though they’ll never close around mine.
The days that cannot come back might somehow keep your lips from turning blue.
So I deny it all to save you,
When eyes closed, you’re still you.

And your imprint will always remain in my soul.

All the sky collapsed upon
The dashing to the shops
And ushering kids into cars
"Quick, come on, in from the cold"
And with faces pressed tight
Against streaky glass
They watch the clouds crumble
Into a thousand tiny cannonballs
Hit after hit after hit
And then white noise
Made of ice.

I'm not always warm,
I'm not always kind,
I snap and bite,
Forget to smile,
And refuse to help,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not always clever,
I make mistakes,
And stumble into,
Commitments I can't make,
I fail to sort it all out,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not who I want to be,
I'm not as trustworthy as I'd like,
I lie without thought,
Then tear myself apart,
With the guilt,
Because I'm not there yet.

But I am working on it.

Growling of gears
and years fill my mind;
channel the effort, the pain,
the suffering I never knew
and experience it all in ten
minutes of labour
and with each lift, each struggle,
let them feel it too.

Speckled light hides me,
For a while,
I am alone,
With my friends,
Only those who want me,
Only those who care,
Only those who accept who I am,
Though the ground cools as the sun sets,
Still I'll lie here,
And dream of a better time,
When I don't have to be alone,
To be happy,
And I don't,
I have my friends,
But I still have to escape,
From my family.

A rainbow of glows,
Scattered between needles,
Painted with soft scents,
Dripping down to the carpet
To join strips of silver
Shed before their time
Their brothers and sisters wrapped round
In pulsing waves around the monolith of cheer,
And between the proud branches,
Paintings lifted from canvas,
To decorate the eyes.

We used to call having a job
'Making a living' but we can't
When living costs more than
£7.50 an hour.

The way working works
Isn't working when
Employment is no rescue
From poverty.

You can't budget
When you can't budge
The ever looming baggage
of debt.

No my dear,
Don't blame yourself
Or torture yourself with those
Thoughts of what could have been.

No my dear,
It was no failing of yours
No amount of love or care could
Have protected that child any better.

No my dear,
Don't give up so soon,
You were young and unready
And scared and trapped and shaking.

No my dear,
I can't know your pain,
But I can share it with you,
You shouldn't have to face it alone.

Yes my dear,
You can
I promise you can
And next time will be better.

Chaos,
Crashing past before my still breaths,
While the rushed-off-feet rush to meet their dead-
-lines I stand firm.
My task yet to begin.
Slowly, I release the air through my mouth,
Three black-shirted figures striding, a quick
glance at me, the slimmest of smiles, then
gone.
A microphone placed in my gloved hand, an explanation,
Then I prepare, press my thumb and slide: 0 - mute - ON
My voice resonates, all that can be done is done,
The lights frantically tracing their carefully programmed paths,
Now it is my time, the closest of the front-of-housers,
The undeserving star, but it is my task:
*"Ladies and Gentlemen..."

So the new year begins,
Why should it be any different?
Nothing really changed beyond the smoke in the air
from all the fireworks just like every year,
and that will soon drift away.
Does it really mean all that much?
The broken resolutions simply remind
us of our temptations.
But maybe it could be better, I think to myself.
Optimism seems useless but in the end
it is better than giving up hope,
and better is what I want to be.

Begging, urging,
Closer, closer still,
Mornings, days, nights,
Just more time to ****,
Longing, pleading,
Another second filled,
Laughing, crying, both
Emotions knocked and spilled,
Falling, falling,
Waiting, waiting 'till,
Boredom over tiring,
Becomes my bedtime pill.

Professional?
Never.
There is no order to this
Organisation built on random
Ideas and words
That came to our heads one Thursday.
But now it has become
A messy reality
With all the inconveniences
That the real world brings
And all the stupid,
Silly moments
We harness.

Take me away from,
Dark streets yet not dark enough,
To match my self-hate.

My words do not fear,
They speak without hesitation,
Onto the page.

My words do not hide,
They never avoid truth,
But reveal so much.

My words do not fade,
In the shadow of greater power,
They remain firm.

My words are not in chains,
They will never be enslaved,
Even when my heart is locked away

Toys I haven't seen,
Since I was a normal six year old boy
Who'd play with boy's toys,
Or his sister's.

Songs passed down,
From my parents without meaning,
Their love for them inherited,
So we sang.

Two brought together,
Old friends reunited and up to old tricks,
Making old jokes that now,
I understand.

A union seems so distant,
For a girl like me, perhaps impossible,
But still I can dream,
And make plans.

A shard on the wall
Of messy darkness
Soft-edged yet piercing
The perfect prison of my mind
It draws my eye despite
My futile attempts to distract
Away to other things
And wills me to
Open another hole
In my heart
Bleed another prayer
To let another ear hear
Though I know not
To whom I write
To let myself think
Of a fuzzy shadow on the wall
As something more important

Eagle don't fly away,
Believe in my voice,
Let me join in your freedom,
And soar to the sky,
Let me watch over,
And protect you from harm,
Let me follow you,
Show me how to live before I die.

A dark streak runs along
The sleeping earth
Whispers in its path
Disperse into silence
Creatures lie dormant
And flowers take a breath
Before crumbling to dust
Which sticks to the feet
And clings to the skin
Yet falls through the hand
Like rain.

I know you don't like to stay in one place
For too long
I know you don't like to sit around
I know you don't like to see the same face
Day after day
I just want you safe and sound

Can't I keep my arms wrapped around your waist?
You don't have to go away
Can't I keep singing in your ear, locked in your embrace?
Without you I'm afraid
Girl, you make me brave.

Hold off,
Hold up,
There's a cloud in my head,
Not today,
Come back tomorrow.

Keep off,
Keep up,
It's all under control,
Leave me,
To sort it myself.

Stay off,
Stay up,
Work - relentless to clear
The backlog
I planned from the start.

Hold off,
Hold up,
I'll get it done,
Just grant me the time,
I am servant to none,
But my Mistress:
Waiting.

Hidden but not,
Enough,
For me,
A creature of night,
The light exposes,
Pulls away the cloak,
That keeps me from,
Hurting,
And forces me,
To face my fear,
And cope with my past.

Sick of politics?
Remember when you're sick
You could have voted.

Tired of policies?
Remember when you collapse
You could have voted.

Bored of arguments?
Remember when we're divided
You could have voted.