I'm not okay tonight
My focus is brittle
And scampering
Around my legs
Driving me mad
And filling
Every second
With sick, heavy thoughts
I hate them hate
Them hate they
Are not me.

I'm not okay tonight
I'm screaming, curling up
Into a ball of tension
One foot twitching
Breaths shallow
And shaking
Against the darkness
Sticking to my throat
And choking me
Into bed.

The clock's calling
Time to let go
No more falling
Let the blood flow
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Dr­ip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip
...
Drip

Waiting, always, as I always have,
Once the suggestion floats across my mind,
Now it takes shape,
Becomes a hunger, a purpose,
To keep my heart busy,
So I replace my loneliness,
With the chance of its end,
A hollow promise to myself
That only she can fulfill,
But she will, I tell myself,
As I sit here and wait,
Wait for that clock to climb the second half of its face,
And to fall again into evening,
And into talking for hours
Along pointless tangents but still
With purpose: Another step, another moment.
Another smile, another laugh across her lips.

Centre-stage
Solo
Words of power

Prepare
Aim
Sound the rally cry:

To arms!
My friends!
This is our time

But

As the call
Tumbles
From my mouth

My platform
Is taken
My mic cuts out

I stand up
Despite it
Make myself heard

Over the pit
And distance
Travel my words

They will forget
This Day
And all the hours before my stand

But they'll remember
My quiet revolution -
They'll understand.

Can you see? Rising in the streets
A force, a song, running through their feet
They move, as one, strides marking the beat,
One voice, one heart, hands and promise meet.

The fog, dispersed, by angry boots on stone,
The dark, remains, but no longer alone,
The hope's alive, and spirits start to grow,
They'll stand, until, the flag of change is flown

Laying back
A breeze calms my breath
And though summer winds grace reality
This morning is autumn chill
Between the rusty leaves of age
A youthful sun softly wakes
My jet black hair in moments gleams
And closed eyes are tempted to stir
The pale of my skin unblemished by scars
Has healed and relaxed again

Bite me cold
Or crush me whole
For underfoot I stamp on souls
Of those that went the wrong way.

Steal my life,
All I know is strife
And the taste of a ****** knife,
When they knew not the right words to say

Burn my mind
All you left behind
Who still couldn't find
The means to pay

Your debts will torture you
As they have me
Fair?

I'm sorry if sometimes,
I can't smile,
It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

I'm sorry if sometimes,
I can't feel safe,
I'm just not sure quite where I belong.

I'm sorry if sometimes,
It sounds as though,
I've given up all hope of light.

Because I'm sorry, but sometimes,
Words cannot drag me free,
From the unending, pain-filled night

This is an offering -
Of no expected return,
No bargain, no barter,
No deal, no debts,
Here: take my words.
All of them.
They are yours.
If nothing feels better, I want to make that last
So these words can rest in your mind when it's dark,
Rest in your hands when you're shaking,
Or your heart when it's breaking.
And when you run out -
I'll write you more.

When I look to the sky I see clouds not blue,
but I could have sworn the sun was shining when I was looking at you,
and when I listened to your voice,
I heard the words of a new verse
of a new song of a new world,
and from the edge of your tongue
the purest tone would burst,
and I'd be left deaf to all but your call,
your soul's pulse crying out as I fall
in love with a single note with no fear,
no tears nor hate could come near,
while that voice cries in music,
beautiful screams that mean,
more than meaning.

Don't forget me, Eagle,
As you soar away from pain,
Your fear of heights pushed away,
Replaced with new escape.
You told me to write a poem,
Of the red sun on green waves,
And said you wished to fly,
For the sake of being strong.
You told me to stop thinking,
And live life instead.
And you wished to be the only one,
Alive in this place.
So don't forget me, Eagle,
Because I will not forget you.

Is this a new love?
Or just wishful dreams
Latching onto friends?
That skip in my heart
Is just part of my pulse
But if it beats faster when she'd around
Does that mean...?

No, not again, I won't let another
Friendship descend into brokenness
By my selfish desires.
But that's never enough,
Maybe it would work out this time,
And caring could grow,
No, I musn't.

If you believe, you can do anything
But not that
And not that

If you work for it, you can get anywhere
But not there
And not there

If you try hard, you can fix anything
But not that
And not that

If you love enough, you can be happy
But not now
And not now

If you commit, you can be anything
But not that
And not that

If you're ready, you can face the world
But not yet
And not yet

If you give enough, you can get anything
But not that
And not that

If you stand up, you will be counted
But not you
And not you

If you dream, you can do anything
But how could you ever hope to do that?

A word.
Just one.
Repeating.
My vision blurring.
Blinking fast.
A warmth tingling across my skin.

A voice.
Not mine.
Repeating.
My head hazy.
Confusion.
But feel a clear change.

No more.
Same old.
Repeating.
Do as I say.
Speak up.
Be who I promised.

"Nothing is real," she says,
Her tone a cloak for her meaning
But I know her words are a plea,
A last hope to convince herself
That the darkness is no more
Than a shadow puppet in some sick play.
She would welcome emptiness,
Silence and solitude,
For her these things would be a
Relief

Wrapped around my wrist,
A trap, a catch,
The colour (black) defines me,
And with that pigment,
Justified hatred poured out,
Absolute disgust at my disagreement
with their designation of who I must be.

Each blow to my chest flattens the skin,
Beats me closer to submission,
Crushes my every chance at hope,
The cracked screen offers no escape,
Only the pain and punches offer
"Truth."

The vicious hunger in his eyes
Tells me I'm as good as dead,
And worse to him.
I am nothing but a sickness.

As if from a dream,
Or maybe some time-soaked memory,
The white fabric hugged itself around me,
And opened my heart and lips to happiness,
As my eyes saw the girl in the mirror,
The same one from my dream,
And the curtain behind me becomes the cover of trees,
The seat beneath me a forest floor,
The light above me the stars of night,
And my breaths become a song.

I'm not always warm,
I'm not always kind,
I snap and bite,
Forget to smile,
And refuse to help,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not always clever,
I make mistakes,
And stumble into,
Commitments I can't make,
I fail to sort it all out,
But I'm working on it.

I'm not who I want to be,
I'm not as trustworthy as I'd like,
I lie without thought,
Then tear myself apart,
With the guilt,
Because I'm not there yet.

But I am working on it.

Here we go,
The finish in sight,
The warm-up's over,
No comes the fight,
Through fatigue,
Tension and heavy feet,
When all signs say no -
Time to be the athlete

Our spirit tripped
And the onslaught began
Spat on, beaten, kicked
Teeth, boots and hands
Dragged through dirt,
Gravel, splinters, stones,
Pride and courage hurt,
Love and hope dethroned,
No hint of relent,
No easing of the fight,
No sitting on the fence,
Either Left for dead or Right.

Eagle don't fly away,
Believe in my voice,
Let me join in your freedom,
And soar to the sky,
Let me watch over,
And protect you from harm,
Let me follow you,
Show me how to live before I die.

Tempted by my reflection
To scold and scathe myself
The suggestion planted in a dream
I am wrong, I am broken, I am weak.
A voice in my ear as I look at my hips
"Too narrow, you freak."
And if I listened, I'd think these clothes don't fit,
That my body is destined to disgust,
But instead I ignore, no, defy,
And shout "This is who I am!"
"I am a daughter of God,
of a mother and a father."
"I am a sister of my sisters."
"I am loved by too many to drown in hate."
"I am me, I am free to love and to dream."
"I am mine, I am alive and I am baptised."

A voice I know so well
Words I wrote
Words that made me
Feel far too much
Like I'm falling backwards
Into the darkness I once
Swam through with eyes open
Staring as I drifted
As if in the distant depths
There might be some light
Some hope
Some dream worth chasing
Some reason to gasp at life
Like that last breath
Somehow
I could still sing along
And slip back into that water
But instead
I turn my head forward
And see filtering through
Hints of change
And a promise
An aim
A future to shoot for
To pull my arms into motion
And start swimming
Up.

Speckled light hides me,
For a while,
I am alone,
With my friends,
Only those who want me,
Only those who care,
Only those who accept who I am,
Though the ground cools as the sun sets,
Still I'll lie here,
And dream of a better time,
When I don't have to be alone,
To be happy,
And I don't,
I have my friends,
But I still have to escape,
From my family.

A shard on the wall
Of messy darkness
Soft-edged yet piercing
The perfect prison of my mind
It draws my eye despite
My futile attempts to distract
Away to other things
And wills me to
Open another hole
In my heart
Bleed another prayer
To let another ear hear
Though I know not
To whom I write
To let myself think
Of a fuzzy shadow on the wall
As something more important

Toys I haven't seen,
Since I was a normal six year old boy
Who'd play with boy's toys,
Or his sister's.

Songs passed down,
From my parents without meaning,
Their love for them inherited,
So we sang.

Two brought together,
Old friends reunited and up to old tricks,
Making old jokes that now,
I understand.

A union seems so distant,
For a girl like me, perhaps impossible,
But still I can dream,
And make plans.

So the new year begins,
Why should it be any different?
Nothing really changed beyond the smoke in the air
from all the fireworks just like every year,
and that will soon drift away.
Does it really mean all that much?
The broken resolutions simply remind
us of our temptations.
But maybe it could be better, I think to myself.
Optimism seems useless but in the end
it is better than giving up hope,
and better is what I want to be.

Growling of gears
and years fill my mind;
channel the effort, the pain,
the suffering I never knew
and experience it all in ten
minutes of labour
and with each lift, each struggle,
let them feel it too.

Professional?
Never.
There is no order to this
Organisation built on random
Ideas and words
That came to our heads one Thursday.
But now it has become
A messy reality
With all the inconveniences
That the real world brings
And all the stupid,
Silly moments
We harness.

You asked me if I would hold you in my arms,
As you began to fade and your strength began to fail,
But even as your eyes lost their final light,
There painted on your lips: one final smile.

If I tell the truth, all I really want
Is to walk with you again and feel the warmth of your hand.

I’m holding back the tears though you’re not here and still I can’t stop staring at the sky.
I thought it couldn’t end but I was wrong but still I'm searching for you in every star.
Yes, I know that only infinite things can burn so bright without fading to the past.
But I still want to save you,
So my heartbeat’s for you.

I wish I could go back and find when “I’m fine” was spoken as honest as your smile.
So pointlessly I keep holding your fingers though they’ll never close around mine.
The days that cannot come back might somehow keep your lips from turning blue.
So I deny it all to save you,
When eyes closed, you’re still you.

And your imprint will always remain in my soul.

No my dear,
Don't blame yourself
Or torture yourself with those
Thoughts of what could have been.

No my dear,
It was no failing of yours
No amount of love or care could
Have protected that child any better.

No my dear,
Don't give up so soon,
You were young and unready
And scared and trapped and shaking.

No my dear,
I can't know your pain,
But I can share it with you,
You shouldn't have to face it alone.

Yes my dear,
You can
I promise you can
And next time will be better.

Take me away from,
Dark streets yet not dark enough,
To match my self-hate.

My words do not fear,
They speak without hesitation,
Onto the page.

My words do not hide,
They never avoid truth,
But reveal so much.

My words do not fade,
In the shadow of greater power,
They remain firm.

My words are not in chains,
They will never be enslaved,
Even when my heart is locked away

Steady your hand against the rumbling of the tracks
Keep eyes focused on a moving goal
What people think doesn't matter but what you think they do does
Calm the waves around your boat
Smooth out the crumbling path ahead
Then run, bolt away,
Escape the current, whose drag is too strong
And hurry from here, this place of no choice,
Ignore the walls and they'll disappear
So sprint through them to reach your promised land -
- Your place for you.

A dark streak runs along
The sleeping earth
Whispers in its path
Disperse into silence
Creatures lie dormant
And flowers take a breath
Before crumbling to dust
Which sticks to the feet
And clings to the skin
Yet falls through the hand
Like rain.

A rainbow of glows,
Scattered between needles,
Painted with soft scents,
Dripping down to the carpet
To join strips of silver
Shed before their time
Their brothers and sisters wrapped round
In pulsing waves around the monolith of cheer,
And between the proud branches,
Paintings lifted from canvas,
To decorate the eyes.

In forgetting a five minute act
Six hours condemned to discomfort,
The irritation upon my face
Will not fade until scratched away
And here I have no blade,
No sharp edge to free myself
From the torture of this body
That will not stop hurting me
Until I break it
And am reborn from its remains

Intent is,
Not so far from,
Reality sometimes
But mostly just,
A glimmer,
A glint,
On a horizon,
Hopelessly far from,
Home.

Hidden but not,
Enough,
For me,
A creature of night,
The light exposes,
Pulls away the cloak,
That keeps me from,
Hurting,
And forces me,
To face my fear,
And cope with my past.

85 miles up and climbing still
We lost our footing and we fell uphill
We kept rolling in the skies
We could be-
We said

We could be anything we want to
As long as we live in our own 2
Dimensional
Dimensional
Freedom

25 feet under and we're digging down
We never gave up running into the ground
But you left me with my
Hands *****
To clean yours

I'm losing all sense of direction
I'm losing all my sensations
I can't connect my emotions
With the fires in my heart

Hold off,
Hold up,
There's a cloud in my head,
Not today,
Come back tomorrow.

Keep off,
Keep up,
It's all under control,
Leave me,
To sort it myself.

Stay off,
Stay up,
Work - relentless to clear
The backlog
I planned from the start.

Hold off,
Hold up,
I'll get it done,
Just grant me the time,
I am servant to none,
But my Mistress:
Waiting.

A whisper in my ear
A suggestion: wild
Pointless and fruitless,
But an unending desire,
Her skin shines,
Revealed and displayed
Tempting me,
The hungered denied,
But a hint offered,
A glimmer of quenched thirst
But stolen so quickly,
Leaving me longing,
Again.

I pause,
Stare,
With baited breath,
Its gentle flow frozen,
Caught between my teeth,
Holding back,
Cowering,
From nothing.

I stop,
Kneel,
Screamed cries,
Burn in my throat,
Flames lick my tongue,
But do not ignite,
Dwindling,
To nothing.

I fall,
Sleep,
In restless dreams,
Eyelids firmly shut off,
Blocking out the dark,
From filling me,
Completely,
With nothing.

Gently closing, almost-sleeping,
Form outside: hurtling
Inside: breathing slow
A landscape scurries past
The distance lazy, foreground hazy,
Barely a whisper of light on the horizon -
Casting pink shadows on low clouds.
Those around are tired (like me)
But they have company to keep their eyes open
I myself am alone, though I sit by a stranger
I don't know their reasons
I know my own, I think,
I want a future, and for me, that future is far away
It is beyond the hills I can see
But not so far to be unreachable
So I sit and let myself be carried
Away.

Begging, urging,
Closer, closer still,
Mornings, days, nights,
Just more time to ****,
Longing, pleading,
Another second filled,
Laughing, crying, both
Emotions knocked and spilled,
Falling, falling,
Waiting, waiting 'till,
Boredom over tiring,
Becomes my bedtime pill.