Gently closing, almost-sleeping,
Form outside: hurtling
Inside: breathing slow
A landscape scurries past
The distance lazy, foreground hazy,
Barely a whisper of light on the horizon -
Casting pink shadows on low clouds.
Those around are tired (like me)
But they have company to keep their eyes open
I myself am alone, though I sit by a stranger
I don't know their reasons
I know my own, I think,
I want a future, and for me, that future is far away
It is beyond the hills I can see
But not so far to be unreachable
So I sit and let myself be carried
Away.

Flowers that bloomed on the other side
Are hardly as pure as breath in your lungs -
Breaths which now have ceased and faded as you sleep.
Still your smiling face, blossoms into life.

“Thank you,” I told you, as if everything was fine
Just another day... Just another day.
I’d never really known the meaning of “Goodbye”
But now my heart stands still, and crumbles in my hands.

If I tell the truth, it was all because I want
To hold you hand again and feel the warmth of your smile.

How can I hold back tears when you’re not here while still I can’t stop searching for your eyes?
I thought it couldn’t end but I was wrong - now my forever’s broken on the ground.
Why can’t I see that fire in your eyes? It burned so bright and smouldered out so fast.
And I still don’t know how to save you -
Now one heart beats for two.

I wish I could turn back the time to when “I’m fine” could still mean more than just a lie.
I never want to let go of your fingers, but now they're cold compared to mine.
The voice that cannot speak somehow smiles if I keep watching your pale skin go white.
Still I deny it all to save you,
I close my eyes and you’re still you.

Looking on as they take their places
Familiar faces now behind a door
I'm cut-off from their new world
A story told in my absence
I know they'd still welcome me
But I welcome the arms of sleep
Instead.

A breath, one last
pause before the onslaught
of pressure, nerves and fatigue
makes its home among
the stench of sweat
and futile deodorant.

A chance to release
and forget for a while
to keep appearances
from turning stale
and let each motion become
natural again.

Sit here with no duty
no great fight, no lines
no levels or positions -
only myself
and
the house.

On a night like this,
Hate is beyond reach.
On a night like this,
Love is not just winning,
Love is killing off evil.
On a night like this,
Hands cannot help but join.
On a night like this,
Lungs cannot resist singing.
On a night like this,
We cannot stay silent.
Until everyone hears
That love is here.

Sick of politics?
Remember when you're sick
You could have voted.

Tired of policies?
Remember when you collapse
You could have voted.

Bored of arguments?
Remember when we're divided
You could have voted.

I'm lonely,
Beneath it all,
I'm different,
So different,
From everyone I know,
Few can see past it,
Fewer still can get past it,
To be by my side,
Even for a while,
So I'm lonely,
But for my friends,
My true friends,
And a language.

All the sky collapsed upon
The dashing to the shops
And ushering kids into cars
"Quick, come on, in from the cold"
And with faces pressed tight
Against streaky glass
They watch the clouds crumble
Into a thousand tiny cannonballs
Hit after hit after hit
And then white noise
Made of ice.

Breaths screeching and trembling
As my legs shake and mind drives in
Confused circles around what I need to
Convey with some degree of
Beauty but inside all is
Screaming and strange and over-analysing
Every hair of their eyebrows.

I know you don't like to stay in one place
For too long
I know you don't like to sit around
I know you don't like to see the same face
Day after day
I just want you safe and sound

Can't I keep my arms wrapped around your waist?
You don't have to go away
Can't I keep singing in your ear, locked in your embrace?
Without you I'm afraid
Girl, you make me brave.

So make me braver than I'd ever be
You'll bring it out of me
I can dance all night in the dark
If you're in front of me
Who needs sunlight
When I have your eyes?
Your voice is music to my heart
Your hand is my guide
Let's get in hold
We'll take turns leading
It won't be cold
For long with my heart beating
Faster and faster
With every spin
Your light's so inviting
So let me in

Chaos,
Crashing past before my still breaths,
While the rushed-off-feet rush to meet their dead-
-lines I stand firm.
My task yet to begin.
Slowly, I release the air through my mouth,
Three black-shirted figures striding, a quick
glance at me, the slimmest of smiles, then
gone.
A microphone placed in my gloved hand, an explanation,
Then I prepare, press my thumb and slide: 0 - mute - ON
My voice resonates, all that can be done is done,
The lights frantically tracing their carefully programmed paths,
Now it is my time, the closest of the front-of-housers,
The undeserving star, but it is my task:
*"Ladies and Gentlemen..."

All my friends need medication
I need injections to stay me
And everyone around me's in love with insanity
The deluded speak the truth
They see the world as it is
Cause really life is bleak and tough to quit

These days would be
Easier
If I just hid away
And stayed quiet
To let it play itself out.

The conflict would be
Simpler
If I ignored my own feelings
And just let them
Find their own solution

This journey would be
Shorter
If we just stopped following me
And kept to the
Paths they need to walk.

My heart calls, restless
I hesitate to answer
So unease remains

Decision reversed,
In a split moment,
The balance shifted,
Past the line,
Until it tipped,
And flipped,
Sides.

Are you going out tonight?
Please just stay until its light
Are you heading into the dark tonight?
We'll go together you and I

Fairytales say there are wolves about
Did we really have to go out?
What if we can't make it back in time?
Just keep your hand around mine.

Contradictions,
I don't understand who,
To trust,
I am,
He is,
Can help me?
I'm scared,
My love,
Will you comfort me?
Or leave me alone?
Alone where I,
Am scared,
Cry,
Collapse,
Give in to my mind.
Please,
My love.

Where do I go when my world crumbles?
Sometimes I feel as though I just
Let the earth fall away
Beneath my feet
And wait
To hit the bottom of some pit
That already collapsed once.

Sometimes I try to run from
The inevitable destruction
And hide in corners
That might
Just about
Survive the end
But they never do.

Sometimes I search for a hand
To lead me to a safer place
And hold me tight
As everything
Comes tumbling
Down around us
But I can't find reach their fingers

And they're
Just
Falling
Too

Perhaps it's in the echo of each note,
Or the ring of each resonant chord,
Or the pulse of the soul of a song,
That which draws me in,
Captures all my mind,
Leaves me with no choice but to,
Reach out and let my hands,
Add their tune,
To the song in my head.

Sometimes all the right keys are played,
But I stop anyway,
As the right way clashes with,
The melody in my head,
Which is wrong,
Yet overrules the right.

And in my mind I hear,
The potential of symphonic,
Decoration on the framework,
Of a black and white,
Photograph of my emotion,
Which could be so much more,
Radiant with bursts and fades,
Of harmonic colours.

Music haunts me as,
Both a guardian and,
A curse.

A trunk of limestone strong and high, splits to stretching branches,  
   Those stones were set, so long ago but still will hold such weight.    
      Could they have known when those ancient hands,
Set this pillar firm and new?
That after centuries,
Still they'd stand,
Still strong and
Straight and true.
And even now,
Though old and
Worn, those gazes
Question: How?
Such wonder fills
Every eye which
Looks upon the
Polished bark,
Smoothed by
Mortal hands not
Nature's breath
That will never
Know such pain
As death or the
Feet or nest of
A crow or lark.
And who can
Say how many
Years, decades,
Centuries from
Now the last
Stone will decay?
When will that            
          Final rock
crumble              
               back to dust?
When it does,
will anyone              
know what           beauty
it once was?
And will those
                         hands that
placed the          
                                    first stone
finally                                
sleep and rest?

We are chasing a beam; a glowing path in the dark
but as we start to get close, we're growing further apart
we're not leading the charge; we're falling into retreat
this is the hour we fall, the day of defeat,
we cannot go on if we just go on to lose
this is our chance, time for us to choose.

We carry love while they bicker and bite.
We share a hug while they share a light.
The fumes in the night are filling the air
but we are a people, and people should care
when their fellows are bleeding and scared,
so we offer all that we can spare.

We hold the flag of justice high,
with all its colours to the sky.
And though we cannot promise new lives,
we can build a home for all to find.
It's time we pull together not apart,
Remember, we all have a heart,
This is our moment to decide,
What kind of world we'd like to start.

If I were to stand outside,
I'd look up to the stars,
And see across,
Endless voids,
That sing to me,
With distant whispers,
Drawing me in,
Despite the chill,
Despite the dark,
Beyond the dark,
Something more,
Something there,
Where nothing can be,
What?

Mental block,
Mental snap,
Confusion,
What's real?
Who am I?
"Freak"
The whispers,
I take to be truth,
And cry.

All I want is to cry out my mind,
When all my tears have dried up,
When I have no pain left to give,
That's when my veins scream for more,
More broken skin,
To match my heart and soul's torment,
Takes more than just water in my eyes -
I want to cry out my mind.

Its eye locks on mine,
A tiny bead,
Resting between the smooth tiles of its skin.

Its head tilts towards me,
A flicker of tongue,
Swiftly tasting the baking air.

Its tail twitches to one side,
A wave down its length,
So precisely positioning the delicate limb.

Its body twists a little,
Toes spread apart,
As it clings to the sandy brick.

Its skin pulses,
Appearing like silk,
As each breath moves those scales beneath the sunlight.

My pain is remembered
In the cracks between
Each piece of my heart
In the time between
Each tear in my eye
In the breath between
Each self-hating cry
In the stutter between
Each hopeless restart

I'm not afraid,
To step out of the shade,
And be myself.

I don't wanna hide,
What is inside,
My head.

But now I find,
My mind,
Is on the outside,
And in my sky,
Birds fly,
For the first time.

I'm coming out of my shell,
I'm coming out of this hell,
One step at a time,
I'm finding reason and rhyme.

From running through trees,
And chasing the breeze,
To piercing the dark,
With an honest open heart.

A vanished smile on my lips
Music through my dark
Caresses my ears as I walk
No urgency
No slumber
Every step content
To fall softly on the earth
That cushions my journey
With no direction
But not needing one
Accompanied by my song
I explore the depths of my mind

We used to call having a job
'Making a living' but we can't
When living costs more than
£7.50 an hour.

The way working works
Isn't working when
Employment is no rescue
From poverty.

You can't budget
When you can't budge
The ever looming baggage
of debt.

In one day perhaps
All is changed
A renewal of hope
Meets with mixed mind
A confusion within
Becomes confusion without
Limits to hold back
But maybe there
Is nothing to hold
From view
But the shadow
They already see

We used to call having a job
'Making a living' but we can't
When living costs more than
£7.50 an hour.

The way working works
Isn't working when
Employment is no rescue
From poverty.

You can't budget
When you can't budge
The ever looming baggage
of debt.

Learning for so long,
Becoming mechanical,
But the rhythm dies.

Between the houses, a slim gap,
Allowing a ***** of low sunlight through.
Harsh beams gleaming in
Thick air dripping with ice
A small field breaks the monotony
Of white terraces and ageing fences
And a streak of yellow glances off
The semi-frozen blades.

The symbols that I see,
They have no flow, no soul, no meaning,
Those lines don't lead to beauty,
Nor swirl to colour dance.

Where is the flavour?
The scent of their description is empty,
Shallow,
Senses sense no more.

No charm, no hints,
Not even flirting with art,
Just simple, dead symbols with no heart.

Across those waves,
How romanticised in my mind,
So serene, so free of care,
The light filtered just right,
Over perfect faces,
Through beautiful trees,
Strolling down quaint lanes,
Exchanged smiles,
Eyes caught on each other,
For a moment that transcends language,
When all that matters is now,
Such fantasies,
But...perhaps?
Some fantasies come true, after all.
Time to find out...

In my head I had it all planned out
How I'd ask her for that dance
I'd rehearsed my smile and tone

But in the end she never arrived
And never took my hand
So I sat alone and watched the others' joy

My throat tightened, choking me
With the pain of pointless time
And after all I went home empty handed, empty hearted.

The night holds terrifying things,
Shadows in shadows,
Sounds with no source,
Not knowing so much worse.
But the night has a beauty,
Found in the absence of colour,
Eyes drawn to different angles,
Different shapes,
Never noticed before,
Reflections never seen,
Except in moonlight,
Dotted with blurred stars.
There's something about stepping forward,
And not quite knowing,
Where your foot will fall,
Or if it will at all,
An excitement?
Fear, certainly, but enough,
Confidence to keep,
Walking through dark.

It's been
Too long
Trapped
Lost
Confused
By nothing more
Than my own
Mind
But
Released
Perhaps
Yes
At last
Free
Sort of
Almost
Maybe
One day
I will not
Have to fear
Stepping
Outside
As
Myself

The future scares me
It's full of old men and women
Signing deals and orders
That make no difference to them
But for those different to them
Change prospects, steal hope,
Silence their voices first with
Shushing, then with a finger
On their lips
Then a hand on their mouth
A gag round their face
And water in their lungs.

The future scares me
Because the people making decisions
Are a generation behind
And instead of being
Slowly replaced with fresh
Younger voices, they're
Making choices that reflect
Back their views
Onto the minds of those to follow
In some never-ending circle
Of whims that feel like fact
Based on nothing
But conditioned instinct
For self-preservation.

The future scares me
Because half the world
Missed out on social progression
And discovered social media
And turned it into social war
Against those who grew up learning
How not to be like them
How not to repeat their mistakes
And not to mistake hate
For justice granted by
A God that they crushed down
Into a 3-line weapon
Against anyone they deemed unworthy.

The future scares me
Because I cannot understand the
Rational of the irrationality
Sweeping the world.
Because I was taught
To love others as myself
And base facts on evidence
But it seems like those things
Burned so deep in my core
Matter no more
And if I cannot understand
The reasons behind this
How can I know what to do
To fix it?
So I'm scared
And I'm praying that my generation
Will not be lost to the same fears
As the one before.

The winds tonight are screeching
As they scream past the pane
And I close my eyes to grip my wrist
And hide my face away

The dark tonight is closing
As its shadows fill my mind
And I whisper hateful nothings
To freeze my seized up spine

The breaths tonight are shallow
And grate against my ear
While the metal claws grip me
And satisfy my fear

Mesmerise, Memorise,
Broken eyes staring at me.
Tenderise, Slenderise,
My own eyes always hate me
Looking back, Reflecting back
The venom that runs on my skin.

These tears belong to me
You can’t take them from me yet
If I’m scratching at my skin
Then pain is what I get
Don’t cheat me out of hurting
Don’t save me from consequence
I made my own mistakes
So I’ll pay for my own scrapes

**** it!
No!
Come back!
Those words!
I spent so long!
And now it's gone!
How can I get them back?
They were all there!
Exactly how I wanted them
They've vanished!
I can't remember them now!
How can I not!
How did it start?
Oh was it?
No.
**** it!

I lost my childhood,
I lost those days of running
Outside and playing in the summer
And dancing in new dresses.

I'd have them back
I'd grow up again,
Lose those inhibitions I built up
To be that little girl.

But if I did,
Who would I be?
Some shadow of the human who sits here
Typing at half-past midnight
To spread some message of
I-don't-know-what-but-it-matters?

Could I give up myself,
For such material hopes?
No.
What if I'd never met
The angels and guardians
Who showed me how
Love works?

I have lost my childhood,
I can't get it back,
But I will grow up even so,
From a scared little girl,
Into the woman I was meant to be.

What can be found in the intricacies,
Of this organic design?
How many lives yet unborn,
Will know its rocky core?
How often will unknowing feet,
Walk the corridors?
How soon will memories fade,
Of where we used to live?
How far will we stray,
From autumn leaves?
Will the seasons live on,
Even now, when we are gone?
Will I find hope here?
Or just another life to lose?

The dreariness of the morning,
On days like this stretches its legs,
And wanders out past the noon,
Leaning on my shoulders with its aching muscles,
Mumbling in my ears,
Temptations, suggestions,
Take a rest, perhaps,
Let the fantasised release of sleep
Overtake your fuzzy head,
In the bleakness of the afternoon.

Where can words reach?
How many ears will hear what I say?
How many eyes will see what I write?
Will they understand what I mean?
Or see no further than the words on the screen?
Can my humble words strike a chord?
Reach a key note in their heart?
How deep can words made for me be for them?
Does it matter?
Maybe I should just write,
Call them poems or ramblings,
I'll write anyway,
For me,
In the hope they'll mean something,
For you.

Friends, though I've never seen your faces
At least, not most of you,
And those I have, only through pixels
On one screen or another.

Friends, more so than any I'd known before,
A surrounding of arms,
Hugs and hands and words all ready
To hold me when I'm crying.

Friends, never looked at me like a freak,
Never judged for anything,
Never told I'm worthless or even
That I need to change.

Friends, what can I say?
My life was turned around by you,
You accidental saviours of my soul,
Between you, you performed a miracle,
Took me from the fringes of death,
To hope, happiness and comfort,
What can I say?
But thank you.

The dark is leaving,
Sunrise is here,
Time to sleep.

No!

I will never allow the dark
To outshine the light!
Not again.

When shadows were my candles,
My eyelids my comfort,
The night my day,
It only took time,
For my blood to become my tears,
And hope for death to become my life,
But no more!

Never again.

Light has returned,
Sunrise is here,
Time to wake.

Singing along to songs I know too well,
Finding new ways to hear,
New meanings in old words,
New words in old meanings,
In the hope that I will forget the days,
When these songs were our theme songs,
When these words were our poetry,
Not mine.