Today,
You told me how
your father never wanted you.

How,
you feel as if
you have no real family.

When,
he kneed you in
the face, over & over again.

Simply,
for not doing
what he pleased.

Today,
as you explained you
laughed because, "after all this time, I have to."

Today,
I wept all
the tears you were never allowed to.

I clenched your hand
Feeling your rhythm straight from your palm
Your heart was pumping a sad man's song
That brought me to tears
I could trace your fears
"You're never alone"

Your words fell like rain
Leaking your pain
as you strained to hold back the release
With your stiff upper lip I could see
It had been far too long
"It's ok, you're never alone"

I fell in love with you then
In that one intimate moment
Feeling the need to bring you into me
To shelter you from the storm
To this day I'll continue to say
"Don't worry,you're never alone"

When the night falls
I falter to the what ifs
and drift into our old familiar seas
Like in a dream
One in which I wish I wouldn't wake
and hope to shake for it's breaking me
I carry the weight of every embrace
Now left to waste in the empty space left in my heart
Where you've made your mark
Before our depart
Carving your name
With such a beautiful art
You are my star so far
I beg my mind to stop envisioning you
I implore it to but it wont
and I don't know how to deal with this dread
That lays beside me each night in bed

A defense mechanism; a shield; a lie.
You let your guard down, underestimating my wisdom and abilities.
You lack the morals you pretend are there.
You're fake, and I can destroy you.

Tonight I hacked the **** out of
The medial portion of my right anterior brachium.
Just to torture myself
In a place that wasn't used to it.
The blood spilled in streams
Little specs flicked from a blade
Sprinkled on my fingertips,
Spread across my hollow hands
And dripped peacefully beneath me
To pool in my lap like a
Beautiful collection of art
Each rich drop.
I couldn't tell you what it feels like
To be in pain
Because I couldn't tell you what it feels like
To not
Be
In pain.
My self destruction is my only
Salvation.
So I dug that sharp metal through
These unsuspecting layers of frail flesh
And separated mind and body-
Tearing at the tendonous fibers
'Til an erosive eruption of blood gushing
Snap, and I could almost ******* laugh
At
The
Fact
That I could not feel one thing in me.
Couldn't feel a razor 6 inches in skin
Like I wouldn't feel weight on my chest
Buried 6ft deep in dirt.
So I burned away at my being
With a fury painted red and left me

Numb.

And you ask me why I
Worship pain, it is not
To feel something, it is only to
                                  B L A C K  O U T
Cause I'd like to be dead
But instead
I take advantage of myself
When I can't hurt anyone else
But I
Can't
Help
Hurting
Because it will crawl out of
My torn skin
And infect everything around me
I'd drown me
In my own ******* blood
If I could.
But I can't, so
I'll sure as **** take this chance
To cut my head off with
My own hands,
And maybe one day
I'll just
Bleed
*Out.