Today was a day
As I always say when a day seemed to have been quite a ride
Tiring and frustrating
But little conflict
Which I am always thankful for

How long do I have left?
I'm getting ready, gathering supplies.
Lying in wait for the most important part.

People may say I need to get a grip
and they do not even have an idea how long ago
I let go

I let go and grasp
my fate
of either way

And really it could go
any way I want it to go

What way do I want
it to go

I know which way it should
but should I
do this

Or can I
do this

You say I can
but I'm not sure

You aren't inside my head
you can't see these thoughts

I doubt you want to
and I doubt you could stand it

It's not beautiful or pretty
like you say I am

Beauty isn't deep
it doesn't count for the nights
that I use those most important things

I chose to do something better for myself today.
I'd love to do that everyday, and never make a mistake.
Those mistakes are what make us choose better.
I wish I would always steer myself away from the worse.

Sometimes I would just choose to go off the rails, and never actually do it. And others I would be chugging along full speed and hit a rock, or a boulder.

With or without help I always get back on and always keep chugging along.

I'm Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I offer my sincere condolences.
I apologize.

It is so real to me.
I see it's harmless name everywhere, and it looks so innocent off of the context of your skin.
It haunts me where ever it is or whatever state it is in, and it is so shadowed to me.
But also extremely real, and vivid.
So chilling, but it also sets me to fire.
I see other harmless names and I am foreign to the lands of those graves.
I am glad, but I hate that this stands out to me.
I am walking the path of the graveyard, and will I fall in to my likely grave?
Or will I break off onto the swept path?
I will not know, but I am passing the graves of others who have succumb to the rough grips of these names.
And on these graves there are things written, telling what pushed and buried them in these graves.
And I see many empty graves and blank headstones ahead.
I know that mine may be waiting for me, and self harm is pushing me along the path to it.
Still, I am pushing back and I will ***** the swept path with my muddy feet.
And once I am there I will run far away and never let myself be pushed again.
I will not be buried in the dirt of self harm.

You think no one is there, and no one cares. And that no one understands, but I get it more than you think. Be honest with yourself. I'm sorry you feel like how you do, and I'm sorry I can't help. You think the only someone you need is the only someone you don't. Listen to your head, cause your heart is what got you here. Let everything be equal rule. You have strong thoughts, and you say you aren't strong. But you really really are, so please do what you need to do to be okay. And if you need to stop eating, and start harming then let me make you better. Let me make you okay, listen to the people around you that care. Someone is no good, and you don't need someone. I know you feel the lowest you have, but it is okay because you have to hit the ocean in the bottom of it's gut before you float back up. I don't want to see you again, because it hurts to see you hurt. And I don't think you understand how I care, but I'm too scared. I'm sorry, so sorry. I knew it too, I knew someone was no good. I warned you, but you were too blinded by everything.