You shut me down.
I try and try.
But I am rejected, and then am dejected.
I shut my mouth and give up with it all.
I shut down myself, I keep myself in.
I give up, and stop.
I go into sleep mode the way your computer would.
There and responding just when I need to.
But I don't want to be.

Relax and shut up

Flood gates break eventually because you can't bottle all the water
You shouldn't even try cause glass breaks and metal rusts
Don't plug the leaks, let it flow and wash things away slowly
When it breaks it hurts and hits you hard
Flood gates don't hold forever, and now I miss you.
I miss the bus, and I miss ponds.
I miss the hill and that stupid tree.
I miss the new houses.
I miss the ******* rain, and I want the stupid accents back.
I want it all back, and I can't ******* have it.
I want the tiny field flowers and trampoline.
The puddles and that one snow day.
And I regret not taking enough pictures, cause now I don't remember.
And now I hate it, and I want to go back.
I miss you and the flooded yards.

Surviving a bad week of urges and yearns means the weekend it finally light
Thank god it didn't continue
Thank me I didn't give up
Proud of me because I am winning battles.
Praise me! because I am getting closer to the end of the war
And of course, with a sure victory.
Although, not even half of a half finished, I am hopeful.
I will do this, I will win.

Proud of myself for the little things
It made me smile
Made me happy
Made me feel high on joy
I won a battle today
I got rid of another part of it
Finally happy with myself
I didn't win the war
But this battle didn't need a tiebreaker

I suppose I am fatigued in thinking all the time about harming myself.
I want to hurt myself I want to hurt myself I want to hurt myself.
My thoughts are racing with those terrible phrases.
Triggered and triggered after trigger and trigger.
Everything and anything.
Red, sharp, word, or scratch.
I hate I hate I hate I hate.

I wonder if you check up on me in ways I don't know.
Then I think that it's not like you to do those kinds of things
And that it's just me that does that.
I wonder if you can tell when I'm lying with the words "I'm fine."
And then I remember that you listen to my voice, and you can't see my face.
I wonder how sad I can be with you
because I love you and I'm happy
but I'm not with you.
I wonder if I'm really only what makes me sad
Then I know that I am
because I think and think and think
And that's what makes everything hurt most, I suppose.
The deeper you dig, the more you reveal, the more you hit, the more it hurts.