It feels good to be sober
ladies and gentlemen.
But most importantly it feels good
to notice that I'm loved.
That I'm finally happy.
To know I have you.
That god has my back.
It feels good to live.
To breath.
To be free.
It feels good to no longer depend.
To just be good old fashioned me.

Im just temporarily sick.
I have to remember that.
In order to push through what I'm going through I must be
strong.
I must not be a coward and cry,
I must hold my head high
and not hang it down low.
This is temporary,
it's not a **** commitment.
But its still not the point.

How you made me forget the hardships that were ahead.
But god only knows what life would be like for me if you were truly here.
I love you.
But hate you.
Its a love hate thing.
It has been that way since the day I admitted to myself how much I truly love you.
Honestly it scares me.
Somebody asked me today what my greatest weakness was.
My dear it was you.

All my life that's all I can remember
standing in front of a mirror
and pointing out my physical flaws.
Too big. Too small.
It didn't help that somebody was whispering in my ear
"you will never be good enough".
For two years.
Ever since then I have felt like I cant reach any ones
expectation.
But of course its not anyone else's problem.
Today out of all days I felt like I wasn't good enough.
Sometimes my true reality can become so
cliché.
Where's my knight ? Who told me I was beautiful and smart?
Oh that's right he never existed.
I'm the type of girl who fishes for compliments but
never gets them and if I do its out of pity.
I am so beyond angry
sad.
Tired emotionally drained.
That the old me I cant even see anymore.
I wish I was good enough to be me.
But I guess I am not.

Though* life has given me lemons
I have used them wrongly.
Though life is a blessing it can also be a curse.
Though I feel sad I will try and appreciate life
itself.
Though I am more negative than positive I never intended on being that way.
But through all of these harsh feelings
I kept going.
No more grudges.
No more negativity.
No more curses.
One thing I can say through all of this confusion is
**I will make a positive outcome this I promise.

Everyday I repeat in my head
"Keep going, everything will get better".
I try not to give up on
myself.
It gets hard each and every day.
Trying to move along.
Everyone around me goes so slow.
I feel as if I'm going to
pass out.
My heart goes a million miles an hour.
Then I repeat in my head that little quote.
"Keep going, everything will get better".
I just hope I don't start to doubt.

I have a label across my forehead
that everyone knows about,
"She's disabled"
"She's not capable"
"She can't work"
It's not fair.
Once again I'm being punished for some thing I never intended to happen.
**** all of you and your
LABELS.
I'll be whoever the hell I want to be.

I'm gonna lay down in bed
and look at the ceiling and try
to forget about you people for a little while.
I know its going to be almost impossible.
You all broke my heart.
Even though I know I broke all of yours too.
I wanna forget about everybody in the world.
PEOPLE caused me pain...
Don't worry though after I lay down I will ignore all of the things
and try to drift off to sleep.

Leave me behind in the dust
as I watch you drive away.
My heart feels like its gonna fall on the floor and
crash into a million pieces.
You complain you don't want to go, but you do.
I see you go I tell myself don't cry
You are so much stronger than you think
Let out your smile and let it shine.
Maybe in the end the dust will swoop back up and
you will get to see him soon again.

God took away everything from me
even you.
Im gonna drown in my own tears.
I'm gonna break down no wall.
I'm gonna be stuck once again.
Because of you.
I use to take the blame.
Well my dear its your turn.
Take all of my anger and pain and lay it on your shoulders.
It'll be a game.
Let's see who'll play better.

Hundreds of wasted paper,
dedicated to you.

Lost together
but drifting far apart.

Love what a funny little game
we choose to play.
Why do we continually play it?
Well because in the end we feel as if we will win.
Which is not always the case.

My heart keeps leaping back to you
but you wont grasp it.
Dont leave me here standing to face the world alone.
My heart would break without you and her.
I feel so low.
Just say you love me.
Everyday I feel as if you wont ever come back home together.
I feel so lonely
it drives me crazy.
Come back home to me
SOON.

So tell me why you never loved us?
Is it because we speak the truth?
To be honest I'm not even sure why we're doing this anymore
You're lying
Stop trying
I know you don't care
Look at the big picture and step back
Are you happy?
Or do you feel numb?
Stop trying to hide them
All the memories on your face
Not gonna say I don't miss them
Because for the most part I do
Thats the hardest thing of all
I miss the old you
I wish you loved us as much as we have loved you

So tell me now why did you ever love us?

I miss the old days.
Me and you against the world.

Lay off the cookies and cupcakes tay-tay.

One day I'll realize there's a greater plan for me.
But until then I'm stuck in this quick sand that's taking me in quickly.
I'll just struggle until I make it.
Be a big girl.
On my own.

I hate you.
Well that made my heart stop beating
for a while.

My other half visited me today.
For a while I felt okay.
I wasn't sad or afraid.
My other half gave me hope
When I locked my front door and
walked away.  
I looked back as I drove away.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't glad either.
But I had more hope than I did in the past.
My other half told me something that made me realize
that all of this mess that is happening to me
Is all for great reasons.
Its a chance to start over.
Its a chance to be happy.
Its a chance to save myself from me.
I am no longer afraid of the tomorrows.
I cant wait to face the future now.
I now know that everything is going to end up being okay.

Last night while I was dreaming
I saw you.
In a dark corner in a room
I called out your name over and over again
then you turned around and
I saw you smile.
It made my aching soul fill a little.
But instead of calling out my name you just turned back around.
I woke up with tears streaming down my brown dull eyes.
I had the chance to see you.
This was the best nightmare that I have had in a while.

Days go by with out your voice,
its official that I've said goodbye.
I can't love you.
No more olive juice for you.
I deserve better,
than you.
Good bye my dear.
Good bye my friend.
Good bye my trust.
Good bye my dear love,
I hope to never see you again.

I can feel your pain.
I know I'm not just going insane.
I know I've been a horrible friend
Can I tell you something?
I feel you even though you're away
I can feel how you feel and
It causes my heart much pain
I hope one day you realize
That no matter what happens in this life
I will always have open
Arms....

Parting causes me pain
I wish I could rewind time and make everything
alright.
Without you I feel as if I am falling apart.
We weren't supposed to end up leaving each other.
I just want to hear you say it over and over again.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I knew it wasn't going to be easy for us to part.
But maybe we will make it back to the start in time
to see each other once more.
To be best friends.
To have each other once again.

My perspective of you will always
be the same.
No matter how disappointed you make me.
No matter how many times you mess up.
You don't have to be perfect for me to love you.
I just do.
Whether you like it or not.

The more you drink
The more I despise.
Never consume it
Because once you do it
you will never go back.
Poison is the definition of alcohol.

Take a hit
blow it out
***** up time.
Take a hit
fall out of your head,
go
insane
invision things
that aren't even there.
Ruin your life
just for a feeling.

I can't even save myself
so in reality I don't expect
you to save me.

Yesterday that's all I managed to do.
Scream.
I didn't know what else to do.
It felt like the pain was there
even when I didn't think about
it.
When I was screaming I realized
that maybe all that happened
was my breaking point.
If I didn't scream I cried.
I cried till I couldn't cry
anymore, then fell asleep.
But when I woke up
even though I stopped I could
still pick up the sound of
sadness.

People have a way of swallowing me up
with out me even realizing it.
I have to change my life
look straight ahead and not side to side.

Your so beautiful
you shine.
Your so beautiful
I can see your soul,
God your so beautiful
if you only knew.
Your so beautiful
with your green eyes.
I love you.
Your so beautiful
stay with me.
I love the way you walk.
The way you laugh.
Dear God your breaking my heart.
Why do you do this to me?

She described it as an unbearable pain
She says its like you can tell that your soul just
Chipped away
I look back and say
"It starts in my head
At days it feels as if the pain isn't going to go
Away.
Though I will admit my soul does chip
I don't want to accept that thought."
She looks back and says
"Your soul has chipped so much hasn't it"?
"I don't want to admit it but yes."
I say
"My soul drifted away in the air awhile ago, slowly everyday"

Beaming bright from the sky
galaxies away
stars that shine all the way through
its so beautiful.

Spin me around
make me feel
alive.
Take me out
and hold me
tight.
We will dance to
the
acoustic beat,
spin me again
make me feel wanted
make me think that I have
Thunder and lightning
inside me.

Thinking can cause you to feel
empty if you hold it inside it will feel as if you
are going to explode, from all the pain. If tears
run down your face you will feel less
sadness, and it will help you.

Lookin around I see
three things.
junkies,
******,
and thief's.
Is my life always going to be like this?
Filled with lies and greed,
Its hard to change my atmosphere
when its hard to breath.

Misery keeps coming back to me.
I couldn't even tell you why.
Misery why are you so obsessed with me?
What do I have to do to make you go away?
What did I do to deserve this?
Misery why don't just leave me alone
so I could just be happy.

Let's get high
why not said the dark angel
Don't cry just fill it with this.
Ignore it.
**** it.
Just do it.
Let's go home.
I'm lost.
Where's did the love in this world go?
I'm in pain
I'll just smile
Nod my head say "yeah its been a while"
"It's in gods hands" says the old man.
Why isn't god carrying me?
Let's share a needle
It's a secret that I got hep C.
Let's ****.
What's love? When you got to get another hit.
You lost me at hello
but I'll stare until you say goodbye.
My mind runs
Ive been awake for days.
I'll stay in bed for hours.
I'll miss you,
even though I shouldn't.
*******,
you know who you are.
Yeah I said it and I'll say it again
*******!

Once upon a time
it felt like a little awhile ago
there was a girl who wasn't afraid of
tomorrow.
She wanted tomorrow to come.
She couldn't wait.
Now she fears the tomorrows.
She has this fear that nothing is
going to ever be okay.
She's the girl who cant imagine tomorrow.
She no longer has much hope.
If only it was different.
She misses the way it used to be.