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pale moonlight May 2014
when i was younger,
i was taught
that **** was
a man in an alleyway
or a drunken night out
gone desperately wrong.

i was taught
to always carry
pepper spray
and to always cover up
incase a boy took it the wrong way.

i was taught
that i am safe with a girl,
even if some higher being condemns it,
because they are not capable
of being monsters.

i was never taught this could happen to me.

i was never taught
that maybe
just maybe
**** is
a sober sunday afternoon
with your girlfriend
that just went desperately wrong.

i was never taught
that "no"
was still an acceptable answer
to the one
you were supposed to love.

i was never taught
that getting out was a good idea,
even with her threats of suicide
and the razorblades on her windowsill.

i was never taught
that i am more
than just my abuser.
pale moonlight Apr 2014
you held my hand
and just looked at me
and i could see
all the things you wanted to say
running across your mind
"i love you,
you're like a sister to me
please don't hurt yourself.
i need you.
you're worth more than this"
but you didn't say anything
you didn't have to

i squeezed your hand tight
and lay back and smiled
please remember,
it is not your fault.
pale moonlight Feb 2014
the other day
i drunk too much
and i thought of you.
i thought about you and
i thought about
how we used to talk all night
every night
and how i used to pretend
you were there when i was scared,
like a big brother
holding his sister's hand
on the first day of school
and how
you could calm me down whenever i needed it
and i smiled.

and then
i remembered
how you left
and how you forgot about us
and never came back,
how you knew everything
and never even ******* checked
if we were okay
and i felt as crushed
as i did the first day
that you left
pale moonlight Feb 2014
as i caught your eye
i pulled my sleeves down
and i guess you were confused
but so was i
you know
and you don't pay much attention
so i'm not sure why i thought you'd notice
the new scars
blending in with the old
but still obvious
or more obvious than me, anyway.

"i didn't know you were still sad,"
you said
and i didn't reply
but looked to the ground instead
as if it would give me the words to console you.

you put your arms around me
and kissed my head
"i love you,"
"and i love you," i said.
but sometimes, it's not enough.
pale moonlight Feb 2014
to take my mind off of you
but you're all i can write about
when i'm over you
but not over it.

when i look in a mirror,
i'm almost surprised when
a blackened eye or a split lip
are not parts of my reflection.

and sometimes
when i'm in bed
with someone that's not you,
i'm surprised when
when i just want to sleep
i'm not talked into anything else.

i find myself arguing without reason.
just because it's what i expect.

maybe soon,
you'll be gone
and i'll be able to sigh
without fear of being choked.
pale moonlight Feb 2014
dear whoever this may concern,

i have lost myself.
each breath is a mission,
each hour of sleep is a miracle.
i'm not sure how i became this.
i remember nothing
but the sound of her voice in my head.

this is not a love note,
infact, it's far from it.
this is me
trying to find the words
to explain everything i've felt
for the last five years.

tomorrow will be fine,
or at least, that's what i tell myself
at night
when everything seems impossible
and the world seems
to just cave in above my head.

dear whoever this may concern,
i have lost myself.
but i promise
one day,
i will find it again.
pale moonlight Feb 2014
i guess
everything that happened
happened for a reason
like rain
but you are the thunderstorm
in my head
i regret nothing
except maybe letting you in
striking my heart
and mind
with your electric fingertips
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