when i was younger,
i was taught
that **** was
always
a man in an alleyway
or a drunken night out
gone desperately wrong.

i was taught
to always carry
pepper spray
and to always cover up
incase a boy took it the wrong way.

i was taught
that i am safe with a girl,
even if some higher being condemns it,
because they are not capable
of being monsters.

i was never taught this could happen to me.

i was never taught
that maybe
just maybe
**** is
a sober sunday afternoon
with your girlfriend
that just went desperately wrong.

i was never taught
that "no"
was still an acceptable answer
to the one
you were supposed to love.

i was never taught
that getting out was a good idea,
even with her threats of suicide
and the razorblades on her windowsill.

i was never taught
that i am more
than just my abuser.

the other day
i drunk too much
and i thought of you.
i thought about you and
i thought about
how we used to talk all night
every night
and how i used to pretend
you were there when i was scared,
like a big brother
holding his sister's hand
on the first day of school
and how
you could calm me down whenever i needed it
and i smiled.

and then
i remembered
how you left
and how you forgot about us
and never came back,
how you knew everything
and never even ******* checked
if we were okay
and i felt as crushed
as i did the first day
that you left

writing
to take my mind off of you
but you're all i can write about
when i'm over you
but not over it.

sometimes
when i look in a mirror,
i'm almost surprised when
a blackened eye or a split lip
are not parts of my reflection.

and sometimes
when i'm in bed
with someone that's not you,
i'm surprised when
when i just want to sleep
i'm not talked into anything else.

sometimes
i find myself arguing without reason.
just because it's what i expect.

maybe soon,
you'll be gone
and i'll be able to sigh
without fear of being choked.

i guess
everything that happened
happened for a reason
like rain
but you are the thunderstorm
in my head
i regret nothing
except maybe letting you in
striking my heart
and mind
with your electric fingertips