I have your old Florida
license plate propping open
my bedroom window.
I got a fan sitting in front of it.
The sound reminds me of you
or maybe just now it does.
I can’t seem to stay away from you
and I hate to admit it but it’s
makin me confused
because you can’t seem to stay away
from me either.
Somehow I knew you were going
to call.
Just a matter of time.

Why do I hate being alone
so much.
I always need him, here.
With me,
just walking,
sitting,
laying down.
I need to hear his words
speed up as he's talking about
things he loves,
feel the warmth of his body
against mine.
I just need him.

I’ll still love you long after
we’re gone.
When we’re just two names forgotten
with time.
Yours will stay wherever mine goes.
Wherever that is.
I’ll find you again.

I wonder if you still want
to read me anymore.
If you even do.

It's a humid Ohio night.
Heat lightening flickers in the distance and I blow the smoke from my cigarette towards it.
Summer time sadness is too real.
August always breaks my heart.

The ground is literally sparkling,
not just
because a light frost
is reflecting off the sun.
I just tip toed into my parents house
with huge pupils and messy hair
wearing someone else’s Halloween shirt
that says, Let’s get smashed.

But at least I wasn’t driving.

I used to have interaction on here but for the past 6 months my account has had zero.
No one is seeing my writing. Please help

I could tell he had
softened.
His texts turned to
satin
as he said
I miss you.
There’s a first time
for everything
and this was
one of those moments.
I said I missed him too,
and he let me know
that made him feel good.
And then we were two people
smiling at the piece of
technology in our hands.

I like it the most
when he walks me
to my car
but tells me he doesn’t
want me to leave.
When he kisses me
and then hits his
cigarette
and smiles.
I like when it feels
like we just started
talking and
as if he hasn’t
seen me naked.

I like leaving,
but only because
I know he will miss me.

I wish you there for me,
like you are for your friends.

I began to take his clothes off the hangers
and pack my stuff into boxes.
Our relationship is over, it feels more
official now that we won’t be living
together anymore.
I tried to continue to stay busy
but I just couldn’t so I sat on the floor
and spent some time crying
over the last year of my life
and how much I was going to miss him.

I fell asleep on the carpet beside my bed;
I need a break from packing.

The fear that he will leave me just as easily as the last is excruciating.

This is just more weight added to my emotional baggage that I didn't want to carry.

Last night my ex texted me.
Not because he was trying to rekindle something that died out long before we broke up, or maybe he was I don’t know.

But all I could think about was how earlier that day my boyfriend was tickling me on the floor, and how much I love laughing with him every day.
When he said I was a cute little dinosaur and put his hand on my cheek.  
And how I fell asleep on the couch with my head on his leg.
All I could think about was how each day is better than the one before and how he’s taught me so much about how relationships should be.
How HE gives me everything he couldn’t.

But I was friendly and did my best with small talk and said I hope things get better for him.

When I got home from work I waited for my boyfriend to wake up and when he sat down beside me I leaned over and hugged him.
Just so happy.

I so look forward to all the quiet moments.

Coming home from work and slipping into bed, putting my arm around him.
We just lay there without saying a word until the alarm clock tells him it’s time to get up.

In the car when there’s no talking, just music and the sound of the road and he puts his hand on my leg and lets it rest there until we get to where we’re going.

In the busy restaurant where people are squeezing and pushing past me and he put his arm around me, pulling me close, keeping his hand on my back.

It’s in all the unspoken moments, and gestures the glances and smiles and everything else.
I know I am his.

Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.

No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.

When everything really is good.

I walked around my apartment aimlessly moving from my bed to the couch and then back to bed.
I was feeling about as exciting as the grey sky outside.
I did my ab workout alone, huffing and puffing on the floor.
I made eggs and toast and a protein shake after doing the dishes.
I listened to a podcast and smoked some ****.
Then after taking a nap I finally fixed my hair, put on some makeup and a cute outfit.
When he got home he sat on the couch and told me about his day and then leaned over and almost laid on top of me in a hug.
I then let out my girly exclamation as I tightly wrapped my arms around him,
“I’m so happy to see you! I was so bored without you!”
He laughed and said, “I know.”

We did such normal mundane couple things together.
We walked through Habitat for Humanity looking for a coffee table, and I commented on things that would or wouldn't fit the room, and all the cute little things I liked.
We drove to Greenville to get an air conditioner and got caught in a downpour, both of us highly uncomfortable with how little we could see.
We chatted about our families and the wild things we did as teenagers.
He went and picked up **** from his friend and on the way back to his house it began raining again.
He let the windshield get completely covered with water and we laughed at how risky it was.
I covered my eyes with my hands, laughing, saying oh my god, I can't look.
When we got back we smoked 2 joints and continued talking about our younger selves, and how I was sad to move.
When I asked him a question about what made him slow down and become more reserved he paused for a long time, I could tell he was debating on how to answer until he said,
"I don't know if I want to tell you yet."
I said, that's totally fine. There are things about me I don't want you to know yet either.
It was getting late and I knew I should go so we walked outside together and he hugged me.
I drove home feeling like I was leaving one life and going back to another.
And I really didn't want to.

You make me sick.
The way you treat me like trash
unless you want money or *****
or for me to stroke your ego.
You are not the prize, you have nothing to offer me.
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow,
I am the reason the sun shines.
I have friends everywhere and people who give a **** about me.
What about you?
Who other than me even wants to see your face.
You so easily forget who’s there for you.
*******

I felt a warm breeze on my back, maybe a perfect 75 degrees. The sky was a little cloudy but I could still see the stars. I was sitting on a broken bench smoking a cigarette, watching the fireworks that someone was setting off a block away. Fireflies danced just above the grass and it was quiet, only the faint sound of light traffic in town. And I was alone. But I was happy to be. Normally I wouldn’t sit outside in the dark by myself because I don’t want to become a true crime story but it was so nice out. Then the fireworks stopped and I finished the cigarette so I slowly made my way back to the door of my apartment building and went inside.

He’s mentioned before that I was a mess when we first met.
A fragile peach scone with a heart that was too heavy,
but luckily he is strong enough to help carry some of the weight.

You don’t have to step on me,
I’m the peach that you spent time
admiring.
The one you plucked from the branch
and held onto lovingly
until you saw I began to rot.
Everything has flaws.
But not you; so instead of taking great care
you tossed me on
the ground and stomped away.

My dad came over yesterday to fix my garbage disposal.
I think he could tell by the lack of smiling and my tone of voice that I was upset.
So he asked, "how have you been? How are things with that guy you were hanging out with?"
I replied, "there's nothing left to say about that, but I'm pretty bummed out."
He told me he's sorry and if I want to talk that he's around.
I just said thanks and hugged him.
I don't want to talk about it anymore. I have talked about it so much that even I'm sick of it.
I hate that I even mentioned him to my parents, I waited 6 months before I ever did and that was a mistake but I used to think he was worth bringing up.
Oh how wrong I was.

I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.

There are many reasons why I love him,
but the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him for a week after we met was because he could really make me laugh.

I realized it the first time when we were sitting at a Waffle House at 2 in the morning and we were talking like two old friends and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
I knew I wanted to keep feeling like that.

Lucky for me, he did too.

He said he couldn’t wait to
get home to me.