I'll never get tired of
you texting me and saying
you love me,
you miss me.
Have a good day.

It's a humid Ohio night.
Heat lightening flickers in the distance and I blow the smoke from my cigarette towards it.
Summer time sadness is too real.
August always breaks my heart.

I haven't thought about him in a long time.
And it's not even that I miss him or still love him, at all.
It's that, I was supposed to outshine him.
I was supposed to be successful, making my own money, with a lot of friends.
I was supposed to find the love of my life and get married first and post it all over facebook and make him feel like I do now.
How did everything get so backwards?
How is he already getting married?
Why not me?
I want all of that. Happiness. A proposal. A wedding. Traveling. A nice house. A kid?
I pretend every day, that I think all of that is so over rated and that I'm too young, I have my whole life.
But, I really don't. I'm getting older every day and my life is going nowhere.
I'm running out of time and missing out on huge life moments.
Will I ever have a baby? Someone else that actually brings purpose to my life.
I'm beginning to think the answer is no.
And I have no purpose. I am here for no reason.

He’s mentioned before that I was a mess when we first met.
A fragile peach scone with a heart that was too heavy,
but luckily he is strong enough to help carry some of the weight.

I’ll skip the color and just say
that’s it’s nice to have a nice boy
enjoy you.

There's an energy in the air in this town.
Who wants to work when the sun is beckoning you to come outside.

Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.

No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.

When everything really is good.

I received news today that a possible buyer is coming to look at my apartment on Tuesday and if they want to buy then I have about 60 days to get out.
This sent my brain in a spiral of worry and sadness.
I cried because that's not a lot of time and I'm broke and because I will miss my apartment so bad and everything it represents.
Independence, home, struggle, power, freedom, mine.
My boyfriend and I sat down and tried to figure out what to do.
He texted one of his friends who's been looking to move as well and we decided to all get a place together.
It's literally such an early phase.
I don't know if I will HAVE to move yet or if moving in with a friend will actually happen.
But it excites me.
A change. A real change.
Possibly less stress because it won't be all on my shoulders anymore.
I might actually get some help.
I might save some money.
It's hard to imagine all of this right now.
But, my heart is hopeful that this will be positive.
And my heart is sad to leave the place I've called home and worked my *** off for, for three years.

Joan Baez’s music is
the only thing that’s
been making me feel better.
I think it’s because
she isn’t connected to
anyone or any time
in my life.
Until now.
So every song feels
like a new beginning.
And yet
it feels familiar
like a hot summer evening
in June,
when it seems like
the sun will never set.

What a long,
painful day.
I was in the operating chair
before 9 a.m.,
getting those useless wisdom teeth
plucked from my head.
So much annoying pain,
terrible pain meds.
So much blood,
not enough gauze.
No smoking, no straws,
scared to eat, scared to drink.
Tired; with even more noticeable bags
hanging under my eyes.
Praying, hoping, wishing,
this is all over soon.

I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.

The ground is literally sparkling,
not just
because a light frost
is reflecting off the sun.
I just tip toed into my parents house
with huge pupils and messy hair
wearing someone else’s Halloween shirt
that says, Let’s get smashed.

But at least I wasn’t driving.

I walked around my apartment aimlessly moving from my bed to the couch and then back to bed.
I was feeling about as exciting as the grey sky outside.
I did my ab workout alone, huffing and puffing on the floor.
I made eggs and toast and a protein shake after doing the dishes.
I listened to a podcast and smoked some ****.
Then after taking a nap I finally fixed my hair, put on some makeup and a cute outfit.
When he got home he sat on the couch and told me about his day and then leaned over and almost laid on top of me in a hug.
I then let out my girly exclamation as I tightly wrapped my arms around him,
“I’m so happy to see you! I was so bored without you!”
He laughed and said, “I know.”

We did such normal mundane couple things together.
We walked through Habitat for Humanity looking for a coffee table, and I commented on things that would or wouldn't fit the room, and all the cute little things I liked.
We drove to Greenville to get an air conditioner and got caught in a downpour, both of us highly uncomfortable with how little we could see.
We chatted about our families and the wild things we did as teenagers.
He went and picked up **** from his friend and on the way back to his house it began raining again.
He let the windshield get completely covered with water and we laughed at how risky it was.
I covered my eyes with my hands, laughing, saying oh my god, I can't look.
When we got back we smoked 2 joints and continued talking about our younger selves, and how I was sad to move.
When I asked him a question about what made him slow down and become more reserved he paused for a long time, I could tell he was debating on how to answer until he said,
"I don't know if I want to tell you yet."
I said, that's totally fine. There are things about me I don't want you to know yet either.
It was getting late and I knew I should go so we walked outside together and he hugged me.
I drove home feeling like I was leaving one life and going back to another.
And I really didn't want to.

I like it the most
when he walks me
to my car
but tells me he doesn’t
want me to leave.
When he kisses me
and then hits his
cigarette
and smiles.
I like when it feels
like we just started
talking and
as if he hasn’t
seen me naked.

I like leaving,
but only because
I know he will miss me.

I could tell he had
softened.
His texts turned to
satin
as he said
I miss you.
There’s a first time
for everything
and this was
one of those moments.
I said I missed him too,
and he let me know
that made him feel good.
And then we were two people
smiling at the piece of
technology in our hands.

Why do I hate being alone
so much.
I always need him, here.
With me,
just walking,
sitting,
laying down.
I need to hear his words
speed up as he's talking about
things he loves,
feel the warmth of his body
against mine.
I just need him.

I wonder if you still want
to read me anymore.
If you even do.

Last night my ex texted me.
Not because he was trying to rekindle something that died out long before we broke up, or maybe he was I don’t know.

But all I could think about was how earlier that day my boyfriend was tickling me on the floor, and how much I love laughing with him every day.
When he said I was a cute little dinosaur and put his hand on my cheek.  
And how I fell asleep on the couch with my head on his leg.
All I could think about was how each day is better than the one before and how he’s taught me so much about how relationships should be.
How HE gives me everything he couldn’t.

But I was friendly and did my best with small talk and said I hope things get better for him.

When I got home from work I waited for my boyfriend to wake up and when he sat down beside me I leaned over and hugged him.
Just so happy.