Missing you feels like there is a hole
in the atmosphere.
I have tried to ignore it,
go about my day and let it go
but it always hits me the hardest
when I realize you’re never
coming home.

I took off the necklace that carried your
initial that I bought myself to let
others know I was yours,
and then took a shot of the liquor I had
in my passenger seat.
I flipped down the mirror and looked at
my fresh highlights that I got to try
to erase you from my head.
But I still feel lost on an island,
abandoned at a truck stop.
I’ve been fighting off the urge to call you,
and the urge to drink
and the urge to go off the rails.
I can’t stop thinking about how nice it must be
to be you today,
so happy and so certain with never seeing me again.
I’m still waiting on a morning where I wake up
and the first thing I want isn’t you.

When I think about you
it feels like a desperate plea.
My brain is screaming for you,
my heart is begging.
I miss you so bad.
This is the most pain I’ve ever felt,
a sense of abandonment that I don’t
think will ever be resolved.

You were born one year and seven days before me.
And it took me 23 to find you.
All together I may have gotten 3 beside you.
It wasn’t enough,
but it also felt like a lifetime.
I felt destined to be with you,
like we were created in the stars.
How can a connection that felt cosmic
just be handled so poorly.
It’s like we got caught in a painting that
never got finished,
half of the canvas left empty.

I am still standing here on the side of the road,
bags in hand.
Like you opened the door and shoved me out,
said you’d come back later.
The sun is setting though,
and it’s getting cold.
I’m beginning to think you aren’t
coming back.

Walking around this house I see his
things mixed in with mine
and the note I wrote him on his birthday
still hangs on the fridge.
“I love you.”
New pictures on my phone of memories
we make every day.
Just one year ago I never would’ve believed
he would be here with me.
By that time I had come to terms with
thinking he would always be a sweet and sour
taste of the past.
But now we laugh together on the couch
and make dinner with beers.
We make plans for the future and look forward to time together.
Anywhere is home with him
but I love this home we’ve made together
in the country with beautiful sunsets and evening walks.
Sometimes I still can’t believe I have my best friend back.

My mom pulled up in her green car
and brought me to my childhood bedroom. Exhaustion and disappointment
on her face as she
followed me up the stairs.
I barely slept but woke up to realize
what a huge mistake I made.
And then he came back and I still don’t know why.
I decided not to ask.
But a part of me wishes he hadn’t.
It’s too hard to look at him, too hard to smile, too hard to even continue building together when there’s too much rubble.
Everything is scorched and broken it’s impossible to know where to start.
I lost myself completely, the girl he loves died.
I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t mine.
Everyone chatting and being kind to me although I don’t deserve it.
I keep day dreaming of disappearing,
leaving in the night and driving until my car can’t go any farther.
I don’t want to show my face, it’s an embarrassment and a shame.
Everyone saying you can’t drink
or you’ll go off the handle again
being watched like a hawk.
I can’t take it.