The way he acts towards me makes me believe
I don’t deserve happiness.
I don’t deserve to ever feel happy again
because I blacked out drunk and tried to start a fight which led to another fight.
I know I ****** up.
I feel it constantly.
But you can’t hang this like a dark cloud following me everywhere forever.

You make me sick.
The way you treat me like trash
unless you want money or *****
or for me to stroke your ego.
You are not the prize, you have nothing to offer me.
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow,
I am the reason the sun shines.
I have friends everywhere and people who give a **** about me.
What about you?
Who other than me even wants to see your face.
You so easily forget who’s there for you.
*******

Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.

No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.

When everything really is good.

He makes dinner while I sit at the table
doing homework on my laptop.
He comes over and kisses the top of my head
three times.
I can’t stop a smile from my face.
He makes me coffee while we wait for the food to get done,
and talk about whatever.
It’s these small moments that make it
impossible to not want this to last forever.

I looked at his phone.
I know that’s wrong and an invasion
of privacy.
And you never find anything good
when you look at his phone.
He googled
“How to break up with someone who loves you.”
I already knew he was thinking it
before I looked.
I asked him if that’s what he wanted,
leaving out the part about how I really knew.
Just said, “I had a feeling.”
He never answered the question,
he just listed everything he hates about me.
How I need to change and for some reason
I agreed.
I don’t know why I can’t let him go,
because I know that the guy I’m supposed to be with someday, is out there. Somewhere.
He said I need to be okay with being alone because he will never marry me,
and he’s right.
I don’t want to be alone so I guess I take this **** instead of not speaking to anyone for days and going on bad dates.
But I think I’m getting closer to…
something.

Sometimes I miss you even when
you’re right here.
A nice breeze will carry leaves across
the pavement and I’ll want to grab
your hand but
you’re off somewhere else,
up there.
So instead I’ll just look around
at what we could be enjoying,
and instead of feeling full I’ll feel sad.

I wish you would just break up with me
sometimes rather than treat me like
some thing you can’t stand.