I'm having one of those
days where I spend
the hours reminiscing
in my head.
Probably because I have
nothing to do after work.
I miss the days where I
didn't have a boyfriend,
but I had friends.
I had people.
I didn't feel so lost when
I had to be alone.
And I'm kinda mad at myself,
because it's my own fault
for not having anyone in
my life.
And now that I can't see
my boyfriend as often,
I'm stuck in my own head
even more,
trying to escape by
smoking *** and watching
Orange is the new black.
But seasons end.
And then what will I do?

Every time I hear
Tom Petty's song about
Mary-Jane,
a memory shoves it's way
through the lyrics.
I flash back to last summer at
the height of the good times.
I'm in my best friend's car
in the passenger seat,
turned around watching
her friend play last dance on his
guitar and listening
to him sing.
And I must've been really
happy that day because
it's one of my most vivid memories.
We pulled into some race
track that I didn't even know
existed,
and I got out and sat on
the hood.
You're going to think
I'm an idiot,
but I swear this is how it
played out.
He rode up on his
dirt bike and stopped right in
front of me..
took off his helmet,
grabbed the cigarette
from my fingers,
and smiled at me.
He never looked better, and
I could still hear that song
in my head.
We all ended up back at his house
sitting in a circle,
smoking **** and getting
his dog high.

Because of that one memory,
I had a new favorite song.
Although now,
it just makes me sad,
and I wish I never tied
Iowa to those lyrics.

I'm having cigarettes
and hot chocolate for lunch
today,
because once a month
Mother Nature comes around
and replaces my appetite
with the need to smash
things instead.
I'm sitting in my car
watching all the people
drive by and wishing
I was one of them,
because at least then I
wouldn't be at work right now.

I know what people say
about distance in a relationship.
If it's a good strong, trusting
relationship, then it'll be okay.
And I just wanna ask that person,
Have you ever tried to maintain
a relationship where you go
from seeing each other every day
to hardly at all?
Yeah?
And did it work out, still with
that person?
No? I don't even need the reason why.
So next time someone says something
about worrying about space,
be kind, but don't lie.
And if you can't tell the truth,
then just don't say anything
at all.

Have you ever just
wanted to cry so badly,
but you can't?
Like, stuff that usually
would bring a tear to your
eye, just doesn't anymore.
But you're not invincible to
all of it.
You just save it.
Stick it in that file cabinet
with all the other ****
in it in the back of your head.
Until one day,
it's like something happens
and all the people in the office
inside your brain just pick
up handfuls of files
and toss them in the air.
And you stand there and watch
as all of that paper just
sinks to the floor.
But eventually you have to
clean up the mess and throw
it away,
and all is okay;
and then your file cabinet
is empty.
Until it starts to get full again..

Honestly I feel like
my life is falling apart.
Everything good I had
is gone.
I'm right back to where
I was a year ago
except this time I have
no Tv to fill my nights.
I'm gonna have to get used
to spending a lot of time
alone.
I'll just always be high
and continue this
shopping addiction
in hopes that new clothes
will make me feel important.

And do whatever I can
to enjoy constant solitude.

Throughout all of my visits
to Fort St. Clair
I have started noticing
that I'm not the only
person there who is alone,
sitting in their cars just
staring through the windshield
into nature.
I think my town needs
that spot.
So all the people can go there
once in awhile and sit in
peace, or sit
sick with themselves for never
getting out of this town.
I'm there to have peace
and smoke ***.
Maybe they are too.

I was afraid of what
I saw in the mirror,
as I brushed my hair
back, after I got out
of the shower.

I didn't know it was that
b a d .

Starting over always sounds
so good,
until it's too late and you
realize that what you really
wanted was there all along.
But will you be brave
and try to turn around,
and turn back time,
even though the possibility of
rejection is not in your favor?
Or will you be brave and
continue trying to move on,
and make the best out of
what you have.
But, the thing is.
It's too easily forgotten that
this is the only life we will
have a chance to take
full advantage of.
So when you get to that
fork in the road,
which path will you take,
and will you be happy with
your choice?

I wish I could say
I don't give a fuuck.
You all expect too much.
I'm still new to this,
I'm 19,
I failed out of college.
I don't know any of this stuff.
And sometimes when they
talk it turns into a
foreign language.
I just want to yell at
everybody to back off.
Give me a chance.
Fuuuuccckk
But their job is to hate
on me..
But today I really could care
less.. I'm flying.

Recently I have been
able to forget about him
all day long.
Until I finally close my eyes
and fall into a deep sleep.
And then,
there he is.
The main character in all
of my dreams.
The other night we were on
his couch again,
and then he was kissing me.
I remember the way his
hair felt in my fingers.
And last night it was like
I was chasing him,
trying to get closer,
but all I got to see was his face.
I'm going to try to not
read into anything,
because they say when you dream
about someone else it
doesn't "mean" anything..
But I think it does mean
something.
I miss him.

I was watching
a special on Joan Rivers
on Netflix.
I like to change my own mind
on a person.. And I did.
In one scene she was crying
because she missed a friend
that had been there since the
beginning.
She said,
I miss having someone to say
do you remember to?!
and he was the last link to
my old life, my memories.
Now, it's as though all of that
means nothing.
Personally,
I have only connected to
words like that while reading
Bukowski,
but I wanted to cry with her
because that is exactly how I
feel.
I have no one left to
reminisce with,
who has been through the same
things with me.

And it makes me sad to know that Joan Rivers died without a single friend to reminisce her life.
And it makes me even more sad to know that I will die the exact same way.

I really don't like that
I have to spend the rest
of my day around people.
I just want to be alone.
I don't wanna talk,
or pretend to smile.
I just want to sit on my
old bed in my old room,
watch Tv and smoke **** with
the window open.
But I can't.
Because none of my stuff
is at home.
Today is moving day.

So, maybe tomorrow.

So.
Technically I've been kicked
out of my first place.
Not on the street because
I couldn't pay the bills,
but because I am not
welcome anymore.
I'm going to try to be back
at my parents by today.
Honestly it's fine.
Just means that now I'll have
a lot more money.
But what does bug me is how
I am so unwelcome everywhere
I go.
I'm sure my parents aren't thrilled
to have me back,
my room mates booted me,
my co-workers pretend I'm
not there,
and my boyfriend doesn't care
that I wasted 30 miles of gas
to pick him up last night,
only to find an empty building,
and no phone call.

But it's all okay.
I tried it out the other day,
and deciding to just "wing it",
worked out pretty well.
I ended up with a 12$ bowl
that changes color,
and a great mood.

So, I have a new plan.

I got a little too high
before work today.
So I'm sitting here,
in my car in the parking lot
trying to sober up my
eye ***** as quickly as I can.
But I'm excited to get back to
work, that weekend was too
looooonnggg.
And there's something comforting
about routine.
Besides my outfit
I look terrible today.
I shoulda washed my hair,
and I shouldn't have gotten
high.
But,

It's a Monday.

I wish the girl sitting next
to me at work would
stop playing with her hair.
It's triggering me so badly.
Unless you have
Trichotillomania,
then you have no idea what it's
like to live with it.  
I'm not feeling sorry for
myself, I'm just being honest.
I'm already constantly
thinking about pulling,
and my bald spot,
so when I see someone else
bring their hands up to
their head,
it's like a reflex.
I do it too.
The most frustrating thing,
is that I can't even say anything.
They wouldn't know what it
is anyway.
They'd say,
Oh, it's just a nervous tick.
Just stop doing that.
Those words have become the
most annoying words in
the English dictionary.

Because I'm NOT nervous!!

Sometimes I can't tell if
I like the way my life is
going or,
if I hate it.
And no matter how much
the hopeless romantic
inside me wants to
see what could be,
I can't get over how it feels
to lay next to him.
And I'm not exactly ready to
let go of the boy who
looks so cute with his hood
up,
and when he is laying there
asleep.
Lately I have began thinking
that comfortable isn't what
I wanted,
but he's not just a boyfriend,
he's my friend,
and I don't have enough of
those here lately.

I can do this.
I can make it through today
without becoming unemployed.
I'm not going to let these
old, unhappy women make
me like them.
Im 19 and at the prime of
my life.
I'll just keep my grind on
and know that I'm a badass,
I am strong,
I am independent,
and I can make it through today
without blowing up.
I'm not going to let them make
me cry,
because one of these days
I'll be able to tell these
people to go **** themselves
and this place.
They're just mad because this
is where they are after
63 years of not doing ****
with their lives,
but when I'm their age,
I'll be a ******* queen
and people like these
will still be jealous of
my fabulous ***.

There are no drugs or
alcohol that can ****
you up as badly
as human emotions.

I have spent so much time
dreaming
about the day I saw you again.
What I would say,
what I would look like,
what you'd look like.
And it was nothing like the
romantic gestures my mind
created.
But my heart did stop
for a second,
and then start beating
uncontrollably.
I lost all words and just
stood there looking at you,
speechless.
Oh my god,
so handsome..
even more than I remember.
And then you were looking at
me,
but I couldn't tell if you
liked what you saw.
This girl that you've talked to
for years..
is she everything you thought?
Does it matter?
It does to me,
because I felt my face
catch on fire,
and my hands started sweating.

I mean, I was a mess.
And I still am.

I realize that by
keeping to myself and writing
every thing down,
I have become so self involved.
I just wallow in my misery
and don't focus on all the
good in my life.
Maybe if I could just
get out of my head,
I could finally be happy
in life and my relationship.
Wanting so many things
and trying to make it sound
beautiful have become exhausting.
I just need to admit that I'm
an *******.

Sometimes I feel so
****** up,
because I can't get him
out of my head.
It has been so long
since we last spoke,
and even longer since we
were good.
So how come
a year, and a lifetime
of changes later,
can I not get over him?
Hearing his name or
seeing his face still makes
me feel a bit anxious,
because I want to know
how he is.

I mean,
I know that we have wrecked
every chance we could have had,
and I know that he was probably
over me,
before this summer even started.
So what is wrong with me?

When I was a little kid,
my idea of what heaven
looks like was the biggest
cloud in the sky.
The ones that had colors
like pink, blue, yellow.
And now that I think about
it,
I've never had a more
beautiful thought.

Tonight I stared at a cloud
that was stunningly pink.
Behind it, the sky
looked like a painting.
Eventually I stared so long
that it turned into a dragon.
And I remembered when
I tripped on mushrooms.

I need to eat some again.

I have gotten to that point.
The one with the feelings
that are all too familiar.

The one where I am happier
when I'm not with him.
The one where I am beginning
to feel like I'm staying for him,
not me.
The one where I miss who
I used to be,
and the mind set I had that
protected me from people,
and emotions.
The one where I feel a sense
of freedom when I'm in my
car alone.

I don't know what this means.
Or if I'm just an *******,
or not truly in love.

But I am beginning to feel like
I don't want to live like this
forever.

Even though we're miserable
here.
Sad here,
angry here.
This is where we came
from.

And yet,
somehow we're still here,
so it can't be that bad.

I dream a lot about
being taken away from here,
from this 9-5 job,
from car trouble,
and struggling to pay the rent.
I dream a lot about
a boy with tattoos on
his wrist,
and how his fingers used to
hold me so tightly
after he had one too many
drinks, and he tasted like
beer.
I dream a lot about a man
who showed me what real love
is like,
and helped me realize
that breakfast is my favorite
meal of the day.
And that coffee fixes everything.

So I guess you could say I
dream a lot about the past,
and I keep hoping that somehow
if I wish hard enough
that I can get it all back..

I just still don't know how I'm
ever supposed to get over last summer.

I don't think,
that ever before this time
in our lives,
that it was so hard to get
people to feel passion,
and express it.
Whether it's anger or happiness,
people would find a way
to be open about it.
It's not about just voicing your
opinion on topics,
it's about living hard,
feeling strongly,
loving passionately.
Nobody feels anymore,
and those of us that do have
been turned into aliens for feeling,
feelings loudly.

Because we are alive.

Okay,
let's be a little real
for a second.
I know you didn't send me
that invite because you
wanted me to know,
or even go for that matter.
You did it for selfish reasons
in hopes that you'd win
a lap dance from one of those
strippers or something.
But, um,
how come I got the message
when we aren't even Facebook
friends?
So.. Thank you,
*******, for going out of your
way to remind me that you're
alive..
and that you have fingers.
Remember when you completely
blew me off,
and didn't say **** back to
that message?
The one I know you saw.
You could have skipped my name,
you could have some respect for
my ******* feelings,
you could have responded
and been a decent human being.

All I want to say to you is
Please ******* out of my life
forever.
And the funny thing is,
I'm sure you didn't even notice
that you just did something
really wrong.

Hello dirt bike boy,
sometimes I wonder if
I should even still call
you that.
Do you ride anymore?
Or did another hobby,
or another girl replace
what you once loved?
I keep seeing your face
on the profile of people's
facebooks that I didn't even
know you knew..
I will never escape your
ghost for as long as I'm in
this state.
I hope that someday we
will talk again,
and make up
as different people.

But for now I will stay
haunted by your presence
all over this ******* county.

Tonight I am miss
Mary Jane.

Wh o a r e y  o    u u u

You may not know
how much my soul
adores hearing you say
that my words have
power.
That is all I have ever
wanted..
To connect with somebody
through my writing,
and leave a lasting impression
on you.
I'd be lying if I said
I don't still look for your
car at Speedway
before I pull in.
Or skip that glance
as I drive by your road
after work,
because this time,
I might see you.
In a way it's like you're
my guardian angel
who's still here on earth,
because you are the only
one who believes in me,
and what I have to say.
You lift me up right before
I'm about to give up.
Maybe that's why I have
always called you my sunshine.

You make me happy,
*when skies are grey.

I've been thinking too
much this morning.
I am surprised that I even
still believe in love.
Believe that it really exists
and that I could be happy
with one person for
the rest of my life.
Look at my past relationships.
I have been used,
taken advantage of,
neglected,
and left heart broken at the bottom.
I am beginning to believe
that I'm getting what I deserve.
I used to think I
deserved romance and
constant happiness,
but now I think I'm stuck in
this pattern of bad relationships.
And it scares the **** out of me.
Because I don't want to live
like this for the rest of my time
awake on earth.

The forecast calls for high
humidity and another long,
hot day.
I woke up last night and
forgot where I was,
because he wasn't sleeping
next to me.
I woke up really early and
got ready relatively fast.
My friend's dad who works
at Speedway offered me a job.
Probably because I'm their
most consistent shopper.
I politely declined and told him
I already work 40 hours a week.
I got high before work,
so I feel good.
Just not looking forward
to the humidity,
again.

You know you're grown up
when a family vacation
sounds like heaven,
because you haven't been
on one since four years ago
when you were a sophomore in
High school and your mom
got remarried.
Somewhere along the way
spending time with your
family doesn't matter anymore,
and everyone becomes obsessed
with bills and work and
relationships.
And somewhere along the
way everyone has their own
problems,
and no time to help with
anyone else's problems.
Somewhere along the way
you're family became people too,
and suddenly youre not so
alone anymore.

I remember being told to,
watch out and
be careful with him.
He's crazy, he uses people,
He's dangerous, he's wrong.
He never was to me.
Even in his darkest moments
he never put hands on me,
he never tried to take anything
not even a cigarette.
I gave them to him because
sharing is one of my flirting
techniques.
He never tried to force me
to do anything I didn't want to.
He didn't scare me.
He was nothing like what
anyone said he was.
He was wonderful.

I feel even more alone
in this,
people know so little
that they thought it was an STD.
Honestly,
I worry that no one
will ever know or care
about something that
really plagues people's lives.
Something that takes over mine.
Some days I feel so
self conscious about the lack
of hair on my head that I
won't go out in public.
I can feel the unspoken stares,
and the amount of ignorance
when someone says,
Just stop
You really don't know how
much I wish it was that easy.

I had cigarettes
and diet coke for lunch
because Speedway was out
of pizza and
half an hour is not
enough time to wait in
line in this town.
I have too many hours
until I get to go home
and all I want to do is smoke ****.
A sandwich would be nice too.

I gave myself some
friendly advice,
and said how lucky
I am, I have everything
I've ever wanted.
So why do I want to live
in the past,
when things weren't as
good as they are now.
I am awesome and fun,
and beautiful.
So why do I feel like
I need him to prove it.
I have someone that loves me
like someone is supposed to.
I have a great job and
I'm finally moved out.
I have money and I take care
of myself.
My car runs,
and I've made it really far
on my own.

Today I am proud of myself.
And I'm going to be happy.

I'm not going to
give you any more
room in my future book.
I'm not going to let you
be the only thing that
helps me write.
Or makes me happy,
or makes me feel beautiful,
and young and hopeful.
Because I'm all of those
things,
and you haven't been
there the whole time.

So,

I'll be fine.

I shouldn't have
pried on something
that I didn't want
to know the answer to.

But now all of my questions
have conclusions
and I wish they
were still up in the
      a i r

I feel a bit empty,
because today should be
the day I go back to
school.
Instead I'm sitting
in the parking lot at work,
because I lost my
financial aid.
To be honest,
I don't know what to do
next.
I'm kind of waiting
on the universe to give
me a sign.