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Oct 2018 · 110
Clocks
PJ Oct 2018
The biggest mistake
Was living a life to prove
Happiness for someone else

How I wish I could turn back
The time
Oct 2018 · 116
Home
PJ Oct 2018
Have you ever felt
So afraid to leave home
Not because of the temporary comfort
But the pain of knowing
He could end his life at the
Drop of a
Pin
Being an adult is terrifying

Someone please let me out
Apr 2018 · 335
I Miss You
PJ Apr 2018
How do you forgive someone
For taking three years of
Trust, and
Throwing it back in your
Face

Regret

How can you stay mad
At someone who once was your
Whole world, it was just one
Mistake

Right?
Apr 2018 · 129
Something Has Got To Give
PJ Apr 2018
My mother tells me I have no
Compassion because of all the
Nice Boys
I have broken, the ones who really cared

My father asks if I will ever find a
Man, one good enough to
Keep around, as if it is my
Standards that are impossible

But there are so many memories I'm afraid to tell
And so much weighing on the truth
I've been hiding

Last summer I felt real pain in my heart
For the first time in my short life
Because she made me feel
Normal,
And then she left

I've spent a long time hiding in shame, but
Something has got to
Give because
It is only a matter of time until
I finally break
Mar 2018 · 288
Doors
PJ Mar 2018
I wonder
Where my life would be
If you never touched my
Neck, or
If I never had to
Hear the creak
Of your apartment
Door as I watched you close it
Gently, just quiet
Enough to leave me Silent
Six years later

I wonder
Where my life would be
Dec 2017 · 462
Father, Daughter
PJ Dec 2017
Little girl so loved by her number one fan
A proud father, he does what he can

A women who has a world of support
Her dad to talk to, a man in her court

Too many drinks deep, he should have learned
His wrath untamed, her world has turned

Hurtful words are just a game
But coming from him, her body shakes

Slurred speech, bloodshot eyes
Dissapointed girl, a man of lies

Once so wise and once so kind
Has nothing left to hide behind

She knows he's wrong, shouldn't drink 'till sleep
But this is her secret, an embarrassment she'll keep  

A role model ruined by self destructive paths
A girl too scared to take off his mask

So she lives to believe he is the one
To look up to so blindly, staring straight into the sun

She convinces herself its okay
Until the point he drives his little girl away
Jul 2017 · 421
A Letter to My Father
PJ Jul 2017
I look at you like
You put the stars in the sky

When you drink its as if
You tear them all down and
Right before my eyes

You change
Nov 2015 · 518
College
PJ Nov 2015
Scraped knees and burnt lungs
Hair pulling and touching tongues
Study hard, fail a class
Makeup on, the perfect mask
Scales and ***, you have no power
One night stand, take a shower
Class at eight, get up at nine
Lie to your parents, "I'm doing fine"
Black lace bra, **** dress
Frat house party, look your best
Pills and smokes, just one more
Boy comes over, shut the door
Greedy hands and spoken words
Words he says he never heard
Sink running, your eyes are too
Look in the mirror, someone new
Black circles, white washed skin
"How the hell did I get so thin"
Another pill, another chapter
The college life everyone's after
Sep 2015 · 719
Darling, You're Wrong
PJ Sep 2015
We talk as if
Your hands have more wrinkles
And your eyes have seen
The world

As if
I don't deserve your
Time or effort because
You don't want to be seen with
An embarrassment like me, because
I haven't "lived"

But please don't forget
You once looked at me with
Eyes that didn't need
To see the world,
And once, your inexperienced
Hands were used for learning the curves
Of my body rather than illustrating
The journeys that have made you so
Cultured and wise

Darling, I'm so sorry, but
You've got it all wrong
As if you know what
It really means to
Live
Dec 2014 · 547
Nineteen
PJ Dec 2014
11:45
Sitting on the beach staring up at my
"High School" friends,
Isn't that weird, having to put the word
High School before so you know I'm not talking about
All the other people I've met since college

It may not seem like it matters but it does
Because these are the people I grew up with and now
Everything feels so different

11:50
They're lighting another joint, I watch their eyes
Go from open and alert to smiling and red
I don't join them and they look at me like I've changed
Into an entirely different person
But it's not just that which makes me feel
So out of place

11:55
A white lie of feeling sick puts me back in my car
To send me back to the "comfort" of my home
But the only sickness I'm feeling is the
Depression deep in my stomach

11:59
I pull up to a red light and stare
Absent minded at the car in front of me

12:00
Happy Birthday to me. Green light.
I turn left and seriously contemplate
Driving my car head first into the stone wall ahead of me

12:03
Another red light
I tell myself I can't think like that
But am so surprised that college didn't make me
More normal. I expected it to change me
In so many more ways than it has

12:10
Pull into the drive way and
Carry myself up the same stairs I've been
Climbing since I was born
I don't think anyone should live in the same house
For nineteen years
There are memories hiding in the walls and
Secrets behind every closed door that can't escape me

Present Time
I'm in bed writing this meaningless poem
Thinking about him, and it's giving me this
Weird feeling in my fingertips

My computer has had this virus for the past two months
That I keep ignoring, too lazy to fix, too busy to find out
What exactly is wrong
I think my computer and I have a lot in common

So Happy Birthday to me
Nineteen seems like such a hollow age to be
Oct 2014 · 352
An Ocean's Love
PJ Oct 2014
Some people have
Only heard of the ocean

I stood there imagining being
Brought under, the feeling of
Panic for those few short
Moments as you are tossed around
With no way to tell which way is
Up, wishing to be brought back
To the safer depths of the ocean, but
You are spit back up
To the beach, as both the sand and the
Wave that just carried your
Panicked body slowly recede back
To the ocean where you are no longer wanted

Some people have
Only heard of love

But I don't think it is much different
Mar 2014 · 838
My Last Twenty-Four Hours
PJ Mar 2014
You asked me how I would spend
My last twenty-four hours if they started
At this very moment

We talked late at night planning all the
Things we'd have to do, like camping
Or watching the sunset
But I was too afraid to admit that
I would only need to fall asleep
Next to you with your lips
pressed against mine, and I'd die happy

I got to thinking and realized come August,
We will all be spending our last twenty-four hours
Together in the summer sun, and then
College will take us far away to start our
Separate adventures out of this small town

Sitting in my bed late at night
I couldn't help but cry because if there's
Anything I'm more afraid of than death
It's being alone, and I can't take another year
Of starting over
Mar 2014 · 528
A Gentle Poison
PJ Mar 2014
I'm trying to forget but
Every creak of a
Door
Is the sound
of your apartment's
Stairs and
When I step into the
February night
The only coldness I
Feel comes from the
Chills
Going down my
Spine as your hand
Rests on my
Neck
Gently tapping at my
Collar bone

I've never felt so
Poisoned, My senses
Never so robbed
Feb 2014 · 1.3k
Staring
PJ Feb 2014
I stare at you
Sitting in front of me,
And I feel horrible

You ask me why we haven't
Spoken in weeks and I'm
So sorry, but this time
I am the villain and you
Are the innocent
I am the user, and you
Are the used

I can't explain why I
Do the things I do,
But I hope you can feel my
Sympathetic stare on the back of your head
And realize I never meant
To hurt you
Feb 2014 · 918
I Need To Change
PJ Feb 2014
This is a really hard pill to swallow
Swallowing ******* my unspoken words
But I let another person yell at me
Just to tell me I am
Worthless, but the other girls
Don't have this problem, so maybe
He's right

I hate the word **** because
Actions don't define me
If you have words you want to say, please
Whisper them, because everyone knows how closely
I will listen and believe what you
Say, but you will continue to yell at me and
Tell me all the worst
Things about myself and
I will continue to change who I am
From the inside, out
old draft
Jan 2014 · 918
Ingrid
PJ Jan 2014
My feelings are
Nipping at the heels of
My thoughts, which are
Nipping at the
Heels of my actions
And

I've never felt
So

Strange

In a race
Only with

Myself,
It's dragging on


Forever
waiting for the right time to come out
only thing stopping me is me
Dec 2013 · 902
Eighteen
PJ Dec 2013
Growing up is making me anxious because
I'm not ready to be an adult when
I still fear like a child with my flashlight
Under the covers

At what age does my blanket in a dark room
No longer protect me from the
Monsters I cannot see?
Dec 2013 · 643
The Sadness in Glass Houses
PJ Dec 2013
People say
Don't throw stones
If you live in a glass house,
But maybe the lesson should be
Don't throw stones, especially
At glass houses
Nov 2013 · 1.0k
My Impact
PJ Nov 2013
If people really are like grenades waiting to
Explode, I don't think I have anyone
That is close enough to hurt,
Helping sounds more
Accurate when your friends are
Far and the grenade is
Weak.
inspired by john green's book "the fault in our stars"
Nov 2013 · 2.6k
Weeds
PJ Nov 2013
The love I give will
Surely grow into
Weeds of
Annoyance, while
Her love blooms with
Color and
Beauty for every man
She meets
Oct 2013 · 1.0k
Don't Forget Us
PJ Oct 2013
My parent's bed makes my back sore
But last night I came in at one
Because my father was gone and
My mother was
Crying

It's not your fault, Dad
But I want to sleep in the comfort
Of knowing what's going on

Don't let my back be sore forever
Don't leave us in the dark
PJ Oct 2013
Twilight laughter from two children
Jumping on a trampoline, kissing because
That's what they were taught to do
And he grabs her hand and hushes her
Twilight kisses into the house,
Up the stairs with the door
Closed behind them
And she has a shy smile while
He can't stop looking at the floor
But these twilight children make sure they are
Quiet, mimicking their parents because
His father is sleeping downstairs
So they kiss off their clothing,
Pretending they don't want their
Twilight innocence, eager to
Experience something new, telling themselves
They are all grown up
But they are wrong because
When she goes out to dinner she still
Begs for dessert, and he
Refuses to sleep without a light on, awaken by
Nightmares of the future

But the twilight laughter is stolen and replaced with
Midnight panting in a hurry to
Grow up, giving up innocent youth
In an attempt to love, and that is one exchange
You can never reverse, and that is
A mistake we're all guilty of

I miss my twilight laughter
Sep 2013 · 941
Perfect Company
PJ Sep 2013
When the burning leaves of autumn
Begin to fall, I can't help but wonder if
We will be keeping each other
Warm, because this season
Is always more comfortable when spending it
With your coffee mugs and record player
Because the weather is getting too
Cold to love alone, and you
Are my perfect company
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
Dirt
PJ Aug 2013
Every mistake I've made,
All the wrong boys, and unhealthy
Decisions make me feel
*****, wishing to wash my brain
And body with bleach until every
Memory, every
Scar is a blur of white before
It completely fades away, I wish
These mistakes, this
Life, would disappear into the back of
My mind, but these decisions that make me
Quiver in disgust cannot be beat
By a bleached out mind, so I sit
With regret and shame
Wishing everything would simply
End

I feel so *****
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
Eat
PJ Aug 2013
Eat
I'm reading a book about
Eating disorders, and all I can think about
Is the hospital with the light blue walls
And the tiredness you feel after
Hours of crying and sobbing, followed by
More crying
I think about the young nurse grabbing my arm
And pulling me out of the bathroom to weigh me
And before I step up, she gives me an option
To stand looking towards her, making it so
I can't see the scale,
An option I gladly take
But when I get off the scale,
She mutters my number anyways
As she scribbles down notes on the yellow paper
That has my name written at the top, sending me
Running back to the light blue bathroom
Crying

I don't think
That feeling of tiredness caused by
Crying in front of the mirror
Has ever left, I think that feeling is here
To stay
The book is "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher
Aug 2013 · 949
Out of Place
PJ Aug 2013
I stare at the fight in the living room
Between my mother and me
From a distance,
Out of my body, I am disconnected because
She accuses me of harvesting
"Mental problems" while I drunkenly slur
Every self loathing thought I've lived with during
My short life, wishing it would end
And she screams "You have no idea what could have
Happened to you tonight, you're lucky no one
Took advantage of you"
Everything stops and I'm back in my body,
Looking at the fight from my point of view,
Her scowling face waiting for an answer,
"You're wrong."
Because I know that risk all too well
And she has no
Idea
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
God Made Us To Be Forgiving
PJ Aug 2013
My mom was physically and sexually abused for
Eight years of her childhood
His name was Richie, the boyfriend of her
Mother, she kept him in the
Picture for eight whole years
And let her three young daughters have their
Childhood stolen for a man with
Too many belts

My mom was six when he entered the "family"
And fourteen when she left with a plan,
Never to talk to her mother again, but
Today my mother told me why we always
Visited Grandma when she became sick,
She told me
God made us to be forgiving, so she turned her
Hate into sorrow and
Belt marks into
Scrabble games around the dinner table

Every night we say a prayer
Hoping Grandma is in a better place, but
Tonight I can't help but stutter over
The words I barely mean because
God made us to be forgiving
But eight years is a long time
Lost
PJ Aug 2013
I met a girl when I was drunk
We sat on a couch, closer than strangers might
Usually sit because our legs brushed whenever we
Moved, and
With all the people rushing past I couldn't help
But think how romantic it was,
Just getting acquainted
With the background noise of a small house party
Because our conversation was innocent and
She acted differently than all the other
Drunk girls

I noticed her smile was shy but her conversation
Was intense; her eyes lit up when she talked
And the way she looked at me
When I told my story, let me know she was
Really listening, and I think that says a lot
About the girl I met on a couch
When we were both
Drunk
Jul 2013 · 664
Is This It?
PJ Jul 2013
I've spent too long wondering
Is this all there is to love?

I've lost too many thoughts
Preoccupied with dissatisfaction
Jul 2013 · 1.7k
Curfew
PJ Jul 2013
My curfew is twelve

And tonight I ran home barefoot
Because my mother does not tolerate
Lateness, so it's 11:55 and I'm drunk
Running and wanting to
Stop because my feet are
Sore, but
I know if I'm late home I will miss a
Weekend of you, so when I run
With each footstep into gravel,
I think of the kisses
You put on my cheek, and
Run even faster,
Knowing I can't take another day
Without your gentle cheek
Kisses
Roughest of the drafts
Edit in the morning
Jul 2013 · 757
Amazing Grace
PJ Jul 2013
New born babies don't have fully developed lungs

When I was thirteen my mother told me
The story of my birth,
December 29th 1995

She brought me home, but something wasn't
Right, because I was blue and didn't
Move
She took me to the children's hospital
Where I stayed for two weeks, but
This poem isn't about me,

Because there was a lot of other blue babies too
All with the same underdeveloped lungs
And still bodies,
There was one baby
Who was in the room next to mine,
Just beyond the thin hospital curtain

Every night her mother would sit next to
Her, her with tubes up and down her veins
Laying in that little plastic box
Meant to keep the blue babies alive

This women would sing Amazing Grace
To her newborn, and according to my mother
She had a beautiful voice

She was praying nothing would happen
To her blue baby, and so was
My mother, but for me

One night the women's voice wasn't singing
Anymore, the lullaby was over and she
Was screaming
Because I'm the one writing this poem
And her singing couldn't make her baby
Any less blue

That baby's little plastic box couldn't do its job,
So now the mother is feeling the same way

And the screaming was
Heart wrenching, something I never want to
Feel,
A scream my mother never wanted
To hear

Today I went into the ocean
And my lips turned blue, along with my hands and legs
I couldn't help myself from thinking
Of that blue baby and Amazing Grace

Sometimes I wish I was the
Blue baby, and that the Amazing-Grace-Mother's
Words could have meant something
More
Than the stillness of a baby with
Underdeveloped lungs
Jun 2013 · 809
What a Contrast
PJ Jun 2013
Today I said "stop"
and he
Listened

But when I told you
"Not today" you
Laughed

When I said
Thank you
He asked
"For what?"

And when I forced a
"No," you
Smiled a
Crooked
Smile

When I broke
Down, he lifted me
Back up to a
Laugh

And when I let out
A nervous smirk
You translated it into
"Convince me"

When I drove home
Ashamed of
Giving in, I was waiting
To meet a friend
Like him
Jun 2013 · 806
Trinitaria
PJ Jun 2013
When I was ten I would go to work with my mom
She worked at a preschool in a not-so-great town
There was one girl who was my favorite
Her name was Trinitaria.

During nap time she asked me to lay with her, so I did
And I remember she said things to me
That I didn't quite understand

A few days ago I took a child abuse prevention course
Because I'm working at a camp this summer
I went home and asked my mom
About Trinitaria, what happened to her

She looked surprised and worried
She told me her adopted father sexually abused her
It was an ongoing case that I was too young to understand

This course I took taught me the signs of abused children trying to open up
And I suddenly realized I could have helped my friend Trinny

But while her innocence was being stolen, mine was busy shielding my eyes and hiding a reality
She couldn't escape from
May 2013 · 903
I Worry
PJ May 2013
My friends' depressions bring me more worry and tear-stained-pillow sadness
Than my own self-loathing obsessions ever will

*Lucky for me, I do not have many friends
ironic and sad
May 2013 · 710
One Yell At A Time
PJ May 2013
There is nothing worse in the world than
Yelling, I can't take the pressure
Being put on my back
Waiting
For me to collapse, because
You use those words
To break me
Down, and there is nothing giving me the strength to
Get back up.

So why can't you turn your
Anger into love
The same way I turn my
Sorrow
Into forgiveness?
Please stop
Tearing me
Down,
One yell at a time

I can feel myself
Slipping
Away
PJ May 2013
We drove around town when it was
So early in the morning the neighborhoods were still asleep
And the perfect temperature brought us chills
That ran through our t-shirts, keeping us awake
And feeling alive

The music echoed through empty streets as we sat there,
Smiling at the road ahead
I had that tremendous feeling of just being content
The feeling you get when you
Can't seem to stop smiling because everything is just
So perfect for those few minutes

And when we went back home, we never slept
Because we stayed up all night talking,
I haven't felt that innocent in a long time

I looked up at him and we both smiled
Finally, a friend I could be myself around
Someone who was more concerned about my life
Rather than how much I was willing to put out

"In the most platonic sense of the word, I really do love you"

I wrapped my arms around him after he said this and closed my eyes, because
Driving through those empty streets sharing a feeling
I haven't felt in a while, and hearing those perfect words,
Could put me right to sleep, and they did
May 2013 · 785
Talking
PJ May 2013
I thought telling someone would make it
Better,
In a way it did, a weight is lifted
Off my shoulders, which is nice
Because I never thought I had someone I could
Talk with,
Especially not about this

But in an entirely different way, I can't stop
Crying
Because now I know it's not just in my head, it's
Real, and the idea is eating me alive,
I'm so fed up with who I am

So now I'm thinking maybe
This was better kept to myself
Apr 2013 · 751
Stop
PJ Apr 2013
I've decided to stop
For real this time, I won't go back
So please stop texting me with lies,
I am trying so hard to build
Enough confidence to tell myself I
Don't need you anymore
And you're making this
Really hard
I'm tired of coming home sore
With no excuses left to tell myself anymore,
So please let me be,
I have decided to stop
But that word doesn't seem to be in your
Dictionary
PJ Apr 2013
Seven months wasted, because when I think
Of us, I think of the day you
Told me I wasn't thin, and the nights
You would tell me to leave you alone
And the next mornings where
I was expected to be in your bed
Followed by the day
You dumped me because of a
Pregnancy scare,
And how I was always too
Childish
Or how I wasn't allowed
To hang out with other boys
The day I dyed my hair, you said you liked it better
Before, and when you got mad
Because I didn't want to ******* right when
You wanted it,

So when I think of
You,
I think of seven months wasted
And no, I don't smile
Apr 2013 · 581
Boston (10w)
PJ Apr 2013
I look to God,
Because it's all I can do.
Apr 2013 · 872
Seventeen
PJ Apr 2013
Maybe I'm trying
To grow up
A little too
Fast, because
When you push
Me against the couch
And arrange me
The way you
Want,
I never seem to
Have the courage
To softly speak,
"Stop"

But

I just think
Maybe,
I tried to grow up
Too fast, and now I'm in
Over my head
Screaming only to myself,
"Stop"

This isn't me
Apr 2013 · 986
One Sip of Forgiveness
PJ Apr 2013
Because if life were to
Give me lemons,
I would
Stand outside your house
Everyday
In any weather, with a
Tall glass of
Lemonade
And an apology,
Until you took at least
One sip of
Forgiveness
PJ Mar 2013
Your couch has gone from
Mysterious to
Comfortable, quickly to
Inviting, and then
Peaceful,
Becoming necessary and
Right before my eyes it changes to
Lusting, then a chance of
Loving, and back to lusting, until
Another wide turn to the start:
Mysterious.
But it never goes back to
Comfortable again, it is
Frightening, another change
To inevitable,
Controlling to
Addicting, and soon
I am thinking in
Circles, back to lusting,
But the couch has stayed
The same, and
It is only me who is seeing things
Differently
Mar 2013 · 7.8k
Virginity
PJ Mar 2013
Take it back, please
I do not want
Your gift anymore because
It lives in my sheets
Making it hard to sleep
Every night
I am thinking
About him
And whether or
Not
My gift hides in his
Sheets, or
If it is tucked
Away in a closet
Of embarrassing laundry
His mother will never
Clean
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