asking the dead how to live

Find me when u can’t find me

never ready to be alone again even if it is for  a short time

going to Thailand in august idk if I’ll come back

life is a burden so we work towards what is after not knowing where we are going

Slowly loosing purpose

have to be two people now
emotionless
and barely holding on

id do anything to give u anything that u want

all that you write of me
im done//its time for change
you never read what i write

and i read that **** everyday

you never show emotion
even when you cry
expressionless at my funeral
dry eyes all in white
money, ***, comfort
thats all u need in life
as your past pours down
on familial wings
and pulls you from my sight

poor
lots of problems from the past
no vision for the future
(and she says burden worthless complainer not worth my time)
/same person/same people

gets job
slowly fixes problems from the past
unhappy but has conscious plan for the future
(and she says love of my life)

                  same person
i am
                    are u

         i know i am

and were u ever

for a little while every night feels like everything will be okay

u make me smile

any love i ever had for u is dead i want nothing to do with u ever ever ever again

the things that make u wanna rip your face off lack of control
conflicting feelings
confusion
regret

everyone understands my problems except for me

******* everything up is what I do

when someone knows but wont admit you are not what they really want

i dont want anything i write to be understood one way why would any person want that for anything they created

idk that anything could matter more or less

honestly disgusted that i ever tried to give you a part of myself thats the only thing i ever will regret that i didnt know myself enough to understand i deserved better than your sadistic controlling mentality

some things need time to be alive

vampire queen

come here msg me

care too much u are needy
care too little you are an *******
there is no in between

this girl doesn’t love me

*** is a sun
who are followers

vacancy is clean empty is relief

isnt the same as last time
looks and feels the same

gonna wake up in the morning
and not remember i wrtoe any of this ****
sit in this chair
read it again
feel completely embaressed
until i smoek and drink again

some peoples hearts are to full of money and success in society to feel what love is at all
and they hurt the people who they leave behind never understanding why it bothers them

how am i even here

i feel all of these things
i feel none of these things

i create monsters
suffer
then let them go into the world

and you contemplate that **** until it makes u sick
and there is nothing left of what u had
and u dont know if u ever even meant it

where the **** is your god

******* tear me apart

idk how to ask if ur okay

i am just a better human being than u thats all there is to say

*** do you mean

i never wanted u to be something i couldnt loose
you lie now with a placating smile
empty words trying to convince me
that what u never proved is the truth

hurts so bad

I don’t feel the same anymore

dead but cant die
idk how to fix it

whatever u want

ready

if u ever asked me i would have been there then

just wanted to tell you

why can’t u say anything I’m saying everything I have to say and u can’t say anything

left out of dark to swirl with the sirens
ice cold is unchanging and fully reviving
the bottles have no shape or form they just continue to grow and grow
all over the counter, all over the sink, all over the bedroom floor;
my charcoal lungs are evaporating with alacrity
so now green is the only color i have to  stain things with
still my anxiety is snaking its sour umbra over everything  
that is sunlight to me
anything beautiful and breathing
its erasing me
my mouth is full of cat hair and ammonia from the dog ****
and the white on the floor is cancer
im convinced of it but we have no place to go
and maybe its too late to change it
i am slowly less aware of reality and dead, dead, dying in my dreams
my baby left me, crystal blue lips and seams
why would she walk onto the water
she isn't jesus and i am the furthest thing
i jumped onto the mirror and it shattered, the ice slit my throat
i grabbed frantically to push her above the water
but her paws were limp, she wasn't moving anymore
then she started to glow ghost rising
until the white clouds caressed her enveloping all
watching her while i descended like Lucifer returning to his throne
this spider is spinning on my shoulder im throwing him away
out the window out of my bed out of my home out of my life
his web is still attached to me and he is all that i see
biting nervous itching, id rather be at sea
i can show the world ugly if that is all they want to see
this spider is crawling all over me
im barely evident in my deprivation
and unable to stop swallowing poison
to give myself time to breathe
i dont know this child but hes pushing a cart in the snow
red eyes smiling, yellow wheels, green coat
he needs help // tell him where to go
i take him to his home and sit down at the table with his family
everyone is talking  and laughing
fork in the ham smoke from the ash tray in o's
shes drinking and smiling then she turns and looks to me
and my uncles ghost comes straight out her vibrating throat
and begins to eat her food while shes talking to me
im just looking around like what the **** is happening
the family is all smiling they dont notice him he doesn't notice me
but i can feel everything so i go to the bathroom
pull out my teeth one at a time and they are immediately regrowing
my uncle is shaving next to me doesn't notice or say a thing
walked back out onto the street laid on the pavement
closed my eyes and fell asleep