incurable insecurity there is no remedy
im just trying to say its fine and blood
read between the lines
fill this flask with forever + gold + past
drink It all up
until all I see is her grave
the only thing
between me and this red knife she walks on
and dissipates from
in a home that never held its weight
darling the wzy ur crawlingis so charming
wicked as a crow
and just so you know
when greensmoke glows
it tastes like the death
of unspoken words
and unwritten earth
every time you ride my eyes
on your pale horse thru that empty doorway

Ina dark place that i dont know whether or not i wish to come out from. I would consider myself out of my mind or insane in some ways without putting a name to it. What impresses you is nothing to me and what u value is sickening . I dont know how to desire normal things all i want is pure ecstasy i dont know how to live like this and ever be happy. Its strange how much i hate most everything about you but cant find a way to make it not destroy me with your leaving so maybe the answer is leaving myself dramatically or symbolically or maybe small parts of each. Where is there to go? I dont understand my guilt and conscience they haunt me everyday over things i have no control over and are not my total responsibility or fault but i know i will assume all of the latter. One thing i know is your lack of empathy for me or how i am feeling overwhelms me and i dont understand how u think you could love me with the way of things. Your love is a flat with no frills empty of any color, organized punctual and sedimentary layered by your past lives all of the flavor is long worn out by extensive use. I am angry but i wont let u win, i **** up i ****** up i am ******* up as i write this but still i almost feel that i am the only sane creature left in this ****** up place conquer control dominate destroy are the adjectives set at the heart of this society and i believe it is correct to assume that there is small good left in this world. How can anyone live like this? I certainly cannot, for much longer anyways. I always have been fascinated by the end of everything obbsessed to an extent maybe idk, maybe the thoughts are just fragments of my.impending doom ive asked to die more times than i can count in my life to.god to satan to anyone that would hear me. Its not the fact that im still here that makes me.disbelieve in anything it is the simple.fact that out of everything i ever has asked died over begged for ive never heard seen or felt a single thing not one thing. People are easily deceived and i know the Christians will say that is what i am, but i am.far more complex than what they know of me and will never know about me. I feel i am.weaker and stronger than anything simultaneously, so that leaves me bleak stuck i the monotony of the middle. Too proud to ask for anything to weak to live without poisoning. I would.rather die than ask u for anything more i feel i need to right this to atleast let u in on somethings going on with me you are cold calloused and manipulative in the shell of some extraterrestrial being beautiful and kind it is breaking me completely and i just want to leave. I have a fierce fire for my family and u remove yourself from.that place of being i cant control that i feel this way and ******* for making me feel ashamed i am kind i am good i am kind i am good i can prosper without you i can do this without you

And the door closes

Heels banging through the hallway down the stairs

u took my child u took my child

I am left with the holes walls and empty

The second door closes

And i dont know.where i am

what is the purpose of anything
with everything that is dying

looking for a cigarette on frozen ground
they are all ******* wet
waving my arms at my neighbors house
if only the lights would stay on
3 in the morning the world around is circling
starving
for a taste of flesh
like a stray cat
dejected-
scrawny, pale, and dead.
If starlight was enough to guide me through this
leaving those i love unscathed
im **** sure i would seize the chance
and leave this ******* place
but what are the odds the rest would remain the same
trying to explain myself with reason
to a world of tight lipped logical thinkers
is like pouring water on dead flowers
and expecting them to bloom again
i dont need a savior
i dont want to be saved
i just want my words to remain
im staring directly into deaths hungry eyes
and im not ******* afraid

i love u all i miss my friends
idk what im doing
and im doing it again
im suffocating under everything ive done and will do again
and now i see how everything really is
some people were made for this
i cant handle this
i want all of this
i cant forget anything
most everything seems to mean nothing to me
there is only somethings that ill always need and never stop wanting
idk where im going
idk what is hapenning
i need to balance the good with the evil
i analyze myself so no one else needs to
i feel so guilty for everything
i know that im not worth anything
and ashamed of everything ive said and done
afraid to **** it because its all i am made of
everything im doing is crazy
everything im thinking of
i am worth everything
thats why i feel like this
if there is a hell then im going to hell
because i know that they can see it
i dont need anyone or anything to tell me
im so proud of this
not of this but of this
i ******* love my girl
and ive done some horrible ****
and  everything is opening and im scared of what is happening
if i promised it i can ruin it i can ruin anything

I can control and remold my ugliness on my own

With you or with anyone else it takes complete control

pill 1 : tired uncomfortable irritable hurts during ***
pill 2 : can’t eat without throwing up feel dizzy all the time can’t sleep
pill 3 : still can’t sleep loss of appetite no other signs of side affects until stomach starts to hurt for no reason
pill 3 & 4: used to counteract pill 3s side affects hurts during *** again
Doctor says I have never seen someone come off these pills In my whole career once they have started
Doctor means we don’t know the answer but we pretend we do so we will continue to collect your money and u will have to live with this until you die