infatuation or illusion
but I don't think it was ever love
always thought this was the conclusion
turns out it's none of the above

it's all, all over
all, all over
but I guess it's okay
I'll rediscover myself
all over again
I know I'm good at it
I find myself
quicker each time
stronger with each wound
I just hope
in the midst of all this,
you become better too.

huffing and puffing
I can't get out
heart's beating
mind's freaking
I can't even focus
I don't hear sounds
alone in my head
again

little things
turn monstrous
I couldn't sleep
only think
I'm returning to my toxic self

with the help
of one's words,
I become utterly nothing.

a collage of memories fill my head
I cannot decide which to focus on
there's the kitchen conversation with mom
how many pull-ups I could do with dad
drinking with my best friend for the first time
they're sad, they're proud, but they're exciting too
new adventures await, goodbye summer.

i dreamt that you shot me last night
my remains flew back onto the concrete
I knew it was a mistake to trust you

deep into the dark clouds
you can find my mind
hiding undercover
chained to the lightning
and drawn to the loud thuds of thunder
my mind goes where you wish it not
and I know you need me to believe you
to trust that you won't hurt me
but I'd rather stay here with the rain and rot
just amidst the eye of the hurricane
is where I slumber and close my eyes
for it is the most powerful winds and water
where I choose to sleep, where my anxiety will colonize
until the storm ends and the sun rises,
I will choose to stay here.

at 4 in the
morning the sun
is never up
but i usually am

i worry
about things
that are out of
my control
even more about
things that are

get up early
when i work
and earlier
when i don’t
the older i get the
more i learn
sometimes you
need to cry it out

alone
at night
into your pillow
the blankets
wrapped all
around you

sometimes you
need to cry
and cry
and cry

until the morning
sun falls across
the tears dried
under your lashes

and the lump
in your throat has
dissolved so you can
breathe with ease

you need to get up
let hot water
wash it away
let the steam rising
from your mug soften
any sorrow left around
your morning eyes
take a deep breath
don’t mention it
to anyone

and
just
keep
going

i will
just
keep
going