You never said I was too much
But you acted like I was

So I curled up to make myself smaller
I pretended I didn't know so I was dumber
I put a break between every action
And my reaction so I could protect myself
And suddenly I was a problem
And the solution was to break me
And really it's not that hard
To destroy something

But no one tells you that breaks make micro fractures
And life's regular wear makes you break even faster

That shrinking meant letting part of you die
So it's slower, it takes longer to again be that high

And by the time you learn that people loved you as you were
You're so far away from the past, you can no longer see her

But if you can get back to the beginning
Where you were incredible
Simply because you were living

All the growth and intelligence
Back to a personality effervescent
You'll be rooted all the more firmly in your present

Because now you'll know that ground lost
Is not progress irredeemable
But a fight that can be won again
And royalty is more that an environment regal

Colour-coded lists
with satisfying check marks
Tally for self-worth score
Free time is a dead wasteland
Work compulsion conquers all

Work is my saviour
Proof that I have use
Grateful for the gift
of structured daily toil

I don’t need a break
I am far too strong
I am made to stand
in any roaring storm

Endlessly on point
I cannot relax
Maybe I should take
a class in calming down

Another degree
Major in stillness
Minor in poems,
music, walks and gardens

What happens to me
While I do ‘leisure’?
What will I be worth
when I take time for me?

When days are rough at work, and heat is high
My self-esteem is carried by a role
To prove each working day that I am fine
And value comes from actions to assist
At frantic pace that slowly dents my soul

Beware when job and self strong-overlap
Identity is blank beyond my job
Then molehills swell to snowy mountain range
Allotments to sheep stations in my mind
And working day and night a sleeve-worn slog

Befogged in role, befuddled in self-worth
In muddled shame, obscured by guilt and fear
With added slow fatigue and hopelessness
And where do your needs end, and mine begin?
All rules of world and life become unclear

Learn to take time off
Negotiate with myself
New type of self-worth
Creative time, open field
Discovery nurtures all

You were never truly in love,
I was just a fleeting shove.
A phase to test, a trial to break,
A hurdle crossed for your own sake.

A burden you craved to set free,
A heart discarded so easily.
No matter the years, no matter the space,
The ache remains, I can't erase.

Even as we grow, worlds apart,
Your shadow lingers in my heart.
For you, I was nothing, just a place to stray,
But these feelings of mine won’t fade away.

There is a boy in me determined not to live,
Determined to be sick,
He claws and rages against my insides,
My very own soft animal,
I know,
I know,
I know,
What we have is temporary,
And meeting it with the most undying love,
Is the only answer I’ll get,
But he’s hurting me, and god,
Do I want to take a handful,
Of that hair and
Make him understand I have power.
But the boy is me,
And looking in,
At the scene,
All you see is a flailing emulsion of flesh,
Hell bent on purifying itself,
No,
No,
Meeting it all with the most undying love.