that would be my plan to
trip, fall, stumble
i would lay there
not quite lifeless
but hanging on the edge
of my mind
never wondered further
than a tiptoe away from
her body and no
further would i want to be,
could she see me?

the smoke blows in my favour
it shrouds me in a comforter
that’s heavy on the bones
but light on the souls
that dances around me
singing merry tunes of happy times
and happy times to come
for one soul to connect with another
is a truly pure sight
with passing looks and passing greetings
i would, nevertheless, stay the same

rotting in the ground from head to toenails
sinking in the twisted earth to let
the flowers grow through concrete
cracks made from whippings and beating of the feet
that stand their man-made ground
whilst the critters and bugs
the rabbits and foxes
the deer and wolves
the prey against predators
Scramble in fear

She said she loved me
She said she cared
She said “hold me”
And hold her, I did

Would she have loved me
if I said yes?
would she have a loved me
if I said no?
She would love me
When I was there
She would love me
When I said “I’m here”

Could she have loved me
When I was far?
Could she have loved me
When I was gone?
She could love me
if I have been near
She could love me
if I cared

Should she have loved me if I killed her?
Should she love me if I died?
She should love me
when I was vulnerable
She should love me
when I was close off.

She said she loved me
So it must be true.

when did she go?
I lost her far before
I met her,
On that awkward morning
of our first lesson together
She (of course) had no intention
of speaking to me
mainly because I asked her
what her hobby was

When did I lose her?
Was it when we got too
close together as two flames
should not be
that we burned the
forest down with us?
Leaving charred marks
on the floor of our
devastation

Our will to hold on
was never everlasting
as one of us was bound
to slip away
to the smoke
and our flames would
reduce to when we
were scrawny helpless
tweens

But my love for you will remain evermore, until the last star burns out in the last galaxy of the last universe.

It was like a red
silk ribbon
That wrapped around
my hand flowing
over each vein,
wrinkles and gaps
that were available
and tied a bow
at my wrist
it was so pretty
that I let it
hold onto me
where ever I went
but one day I felt a loss
The loss of a feeling
in one of my fingers.
others suggested I cut it off,
another said to take it
off.
But only a few
people knew whilst
all the others
admired its beauty
like I did.
It did cause me pain
from time to time but
I always forgive it.
I sometimes see the
marks it left behind on
my skin.
I kept telling myself,
“don’t worry, it’s nothing
too major, it will heal soon”
But there I laid
wounded and tired
reclusive and timid
distant and lonely
sad and conflicted.
Your bounds on me
got tighter and tighter
and tighter
and tighter
as the
years went
on.
I was worried about
every move I made
every sound I said
every looks I had
every time, all the
time.
One day I had enough,
because you went too far
and hurt everyone I
care for.
I couldn’t salvage our
friendship, but only miss it
as the hour went by.
So I ripped off that silky
ribbon
Strand by strand
until there was none left to pick at

I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused and I forgive you in return. But I cannot let you latch onto me again where it does no one good.

imagine a world  with less sorrow and pain
Where haters didn’t hate for they had nothing to gain
A place where neighbors knew you by name
Where we could walk proud and not in shame
A world where our laws that were written were followed and applied to us all
A place where when we spoke to someone it was face to face for there were no phones to just pick up and call
A place where we heard and understood what was being spoken or asked
A place where we could breath because we weren’t forced to wear a mask
Imagine a time when the governed law was God Law as well
Imagine our world before we conformed to the Government who put us through hell.

Tobacco spilt on the floor
Your hair singed from lighting one last night
You creep over me
Your hot breath sits on my collarbone as if to say
“stay longer” or “one more time” and I reply with a kiss on your neck to say
“sure why not”
with a cigarette in my mouth
and scourging for a lighter shifting drugs from the coffee table and empty wine bottles underneath clinking
when I shove them aside with my foot.

“Where is it?” I say

You point to the top of the dresser and I see more beer bottles left behind by their owners and a lighter among them.
upon lighting my cigarette I go to the kitchen and prepare coffee for the both of us
“I love you”
“Are you sure?” I say
“yeah, I’m sure”
when I finish making coffee I crawl back to bed with you
kissing your forehead and say
                     “Thank you”

You’d ask me what I was thinking,
And every time my answer would be you,
I was thinking about all the ways I could make you smile,
Or I was thinking about how every time you smiled, you got these deep dimples in your cheeks,
Or how even though you hated them,
I could have painted Van Gogh’s Starry Night with your freckles,
I was thinking about how you were such a rebel,
Yet deep down you longed for the domestic…

How you were the jigsaw piece that helped me to solve my eternal puzzle,

You were my very favourite paradox,
So insecure that you could crumble,
Yet you weren’t afraid of anything,

I always thought of you as a mirror of my thoughts,
But maybe you were just two years worth of bad luck...

I was thinking about how kissing you never seemed to get old,
How loving you never seemed to get tiresome,

And now you aren’t mine,
And you’re smiling at some other lover’s texts,

I’m beginning to think that maybe I wasn’t looking for someone to love me,
So much as I was after somebody, some warm human body to lie beside me,
Some heartbeat to synchronize with mine,
So, I could start feeling less alone,
And more alive…

To me, in those moments,
Your warm body,
Your heart beating against mine,
Thudding like a metronome,
That was love,
But it was in fact,
Trying desperately to keep time with the ups and downs of “us “,
The upside-down of us,

I now know why they call it “falling “ in love,
Because it is always up to the other person,
To choose whether to catch you,
Or to just let you keep falling…

I was always there whenever you felt hollow enough to need another body,
To make you whole again,

And I think we both know what happened with us,
How far we both fell…

And now I’m sitting here writing about you,
And I know that you would love this,
You always seemed to love being my “ muse “

This may be about you,
But it is not for you,

This is my version of screaming into the ocean,
This is my escape,
This is my way of letting you go,
Of forgiving you…
And forgiving myself for holding onto you when I knew that I shouldn’t,
And I so hate the fact that I miss you,
But day by day,
I am beginning to forget you,
Your smell,
Your touch,
Your laughter,
It is all but a distant memory,

A faded, jaded polaroid of us kissing in Kimberley Park,
Some faded black and white film of us waltzing to Edith Piaf in your room,

But now you are gone,
And… I am no longer hurting…