I don't care what you did in your past, what  I  care about is now; the present, this moment were its just you and me.

I am not saying I am not hurt by the fact that you may be in pain, what I am saying is that loving you is my goal. All these other mistakes that are in the way are just trials that I will pass, i have been spending time with love and feel like I should give you a piece.

God knows you need it more than I do, I  need you to smile so that i can smile. I need to you to love so that I too can love. I wont pause such a moment that reminds me of the painful reality, what i would freeze is the moments were you smile, even if its just a fraction of a second in my own dreams.

I am not asking for the world, i am not asking for money, i am  not asking that you have to look like a Brad Pitt or be the Beyonce of the world: what i am asking is for, what i am asking is to love you, plain and simple as you will allow it, even just for today before god turns off the lights.

Today is the fifth day that I waited at the gate for my dad, oh wait,, its not five,, I lost count..I  am no time traveller but I feel like I am little girl trapped in a woman's body.  

My dad left, he didnt die, there is no other side of the story. There is only one, he abandoned me. Man I thought it was the end of the world till "he" swept me off my feet, come on now, I do knw better. I dont do fairy tales but for "him" I would.

For "him" I would believe in anything in a heart beat.When I am in "his" arms I feel the love I never had, funny enough I feel content ... I hang onto him a bit longer, hug "him" a bit harder, I am sure "he" is close to choking but what the hell... I've got to make sure "he" is real,,

Thoughts rush through my cerelebral hemisphere, oh! thats a term I learned at Bio 101, when they taught me about how I was my made... "he" said if it was deeper that the last time, then the rush will be 10 times than the last time.


"he" said when it gushes out like that, I am only a drop away of seeing my dad rush back. Now I know,  I have a father... I have a dad.. he never left,,, he is coming, "he" promised....

I somewhat used to enjoy my own company , the emptiness of the cold room reminded me of what "is", it kept me in check i suppose. I had dinner with death as we drowned our sorrows together, me ******* about what perfect way to end it all while death listened in disgusted awe, because I was  flirting with something he couldnt have:LIFE. At that point he wanted to be  me and I, him...

He whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he convinced me otherwise... He said the time was not yet right. Truth is I   love him ,  so I listened. He then showed me a different way, truth is he gave me a friend no one could be..... the cold blade against my skin felt like silk,, it moved swiftly ..... it cut deeply.. like the pain that I had,,, death said its better to wear it on the outside..... he said it will be a magical picture to witness on our wedding night, when i submit to him.....When i finally become him and he , me.

I watch you sleep everytime..... for hours on end I just stare at you. I replay scenes in my mind of "us"..

I get carried away with you being mine to the point were I loose touch with reality.. you are on the other side and I from another.....

We are the typical Romeo and Juliet ending.. atleast that's what I used to think,,, till I jumped in front of bullet for you and you called me insane,, I call it love, toxic love..
I need a piece of you in you life.. People get their "Fix" from caffeine and whatever, my "fix" is you..

So tonight let me watch you sleep and lets forget about the woman next to you , the woman who is the mother of you three kids,, the woman who I will never be,,, because this is what I term as intoxicating lust..

I keep hoping that this god will answer my prayers..
I wonder....
and

   wonder.....

Why does he keep me alive when  all I have is pain? I watched my mother walk out on me at the age of One.... I needed my father and he was only a figure in some stupid fairy tale book.. I need you to hold me in your arms,,
for once I want to admit that I am not okay. for once I want take off this mask....

for once I want to admit that I enjoy this pain, for once I want this sharp blade to love me even harder,,, deeper and in more ways that my other could not..... stay here with me and be a father that I desperately needed.....

I dont see stars in the sky,,, all I see is darkness , pain and suffering,,,, There was never a happy ending,, only a fragment of your imagination because you could not take the pain and for once know the meaning of pleasure..

I am man with no hope for I don't believe in stupid fairy tales
Pardon my lack of emotion but I have seen it all.
I used to wait for my dead at  the gate, hoping that someday he might just pop outta nowhere...


I waited and waited.. till It hit me.. Life is only what you perceive it to be.
There is no rainbow in the sky, nor a **** *** of gold at the end ..
there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. only worse.

But then let me tell you of a father who taught me truth...
let me tell you of a father who gave me real toys not these stupid plastic models that i use to desire. He pulled me into the darkness and that is where I found my light,,, I tattooed his name across my skin and I felt uttermost love like the one i see in chick flicks.

I talk to my father every night.. he keeps on asking me when am I coming home, because paradise is only a heartbeat away.... I then tel him,,,, any minute now father,, any minute..