i just want to fall
completely and totally
because that's safe
i just want to fall
straight into you
because you're safe
i'm learning more and more
just how safe
just how wonderful
just how much
we fit together
time is crazy
it's hardly been a week
and yet,
i just want to fall
completely and totally
because of you
you have ****** with me
in the best and worst way
thank you for that
for being you
for being safe
for being someone
that i can fall for
i didn't expect
to fall so quickly
i am still falling
completely and totally
because that's you
because that's safe
to me

it's a strange feeling
butterflies in my stomach
nerves shaking my fingers
it's starting again
isn't it?
the idea, the notion
of my future
what is it going
to have for me?
i should be scared
and i am
rightly so
but there is the idea
of what will come
i thought that
i lost that
i never did
even still
i have hope
i am excited
scared of what
God has in store
but even still
there is a futre
there is hope

how am i flawed? let me count the ways
i am too emotional when i shouldn't be
i cry over the stupidest things
i will get angry at the smallest things
i overthink the simplest things
i give too much when i shouldn't
i hold onto things i shouldn't
i will be open and closed at the same time
i won't let people in when i should
the list goes on and on, i know
and yet, despite all of this, i am still loved and accepted
i am healed and mended through my brokenness
through my flaws, i am who i am

i am following my heart
after two years
after not wanting to face the truth
i am going home
to my family
to my friends
to oregon
it's a tough descision
i have cried so much
i have tried to fight
the heart always wins
i am moving home

i have a ***** secret
something hidden to everyone around me, that i hide with smiles and laughter
something that brings tears to my eyes and a weight to my shoulders
i ran away from home when i was twenty
i didn't know what i would be leaving for good when i did leave
i thought it was just for a visit to sunny california
there, however, i found a second home
i broke my first home, my parents and sister, in the process
not just them but the rest of my family and friends
i have lived with the guilt
of knowing how much i have broken them
of not knowing the depths of their pain
that is what hurts me the most
knowing just how much i've broken and hurt them
how much i still grapple with the guilt
how much i feel i have shamed them
acting as though it does not bother me
when, in reality, it kills me every day
knowing what i did to them
knowing how much i changed their lives
knowing how much i hurt them
however
they have forgiven me
they love me
we see each other when we're able to
we call and text and stay in contact
i am truly blessed to be in their lives
that they still want me in their lives
i do not deserve their forgiveness
i still struggle with the guilt
some days are easier than others
even still
i am not worthy of their love
i will always carry the guilt
it is my burden to bear

little girl
2018 is over now
you’ve been strong
you’ve worked hard
you deserve
to shed a few tears
and be proud of who you are
and who you are becoming

i have come to the realization
that i have found a secret
that i did not even know was hidden
i have found the secret
to loving myself
i will still wake up
and look at myself
and dislike what i see
those days are becoming
less and less
the secret, dear ones
is that there is none
love comes with time
love comes with age
love comes when you see yourself
not as something to hate
but as something to care for
i dislike my thighs
i dislike my stomach
i dislike my acne prone skin
but
i love my ***
i love my curves
i love my eyes
i see the good in the bad
it isn't always easy
it rarely is
but my god
is it worth it
to look in the mirror
and like what you see
to not be ashamed
but to be proud
to be the soul in the skin
i challenge
whoever is reading this
to try to love yourself today
even if it's just today
that's still worth it