I get annoyed by your actions at times
Anxious by the way you word things
The way you act sometimes, as if you don't truly want me..
It *****. It hurts. I know it's just in my thoughts and that's what's worse.

You know I overthink, you know how I can act
I'm not someone you need to "fix"
I'm not someone you need to push past limits **** near every single day
I'm not a person that you need to walk on egg shells to talk to me, but just manage your delivery of statements.
I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone and you know that.

Lately I have been going through so much that I haven't even told you about
And nor do I want to.
I'm just tired and drained by everybody
I'm ready to leave, and be reunited with you.
Seems like that's the only cure I have to how I have been feeling.

God has placed you into my life for a reason
There's no way we met with no true meaning.
The way every moment was carefully placed on the timeline.
How any tiny change could've lost our chances of meeting each other.
I'm more than blessed. You are the one person I can rely on.
I know it sounds odd because I've only truly known you for such little time..
It says a lot because everyone else in my life has been unreliable.
I wish you could step into my body, understand my mind
And see how much you mean to me.

To my next boyfriend..

Hi I'm Norah.
I don't like onions and I don't eat pork.
I think you're the most handsome man I've ever talked to
I reiterate things when I mean them
I'm an artist and a big lover
I spend most of my days over-analyzing every thought in my mind
I know I'm weird, but I love that about myself.
I got a big *** head.. but with that I got a big *** heart.
I deal with disorders like depression and ptsd pretty heavily
Sometimes I have really bad anxiety especially in large groups
I have this mindset that everyone is out to get me
Which makes me want to be isolated by myself most times.
I try to learn how much I'm such a contradiction but maybe you'll learn to love this.. part of me.
I don't want this relationship to start on emotions, I need this relationship to start on decisions.
I need you to decide if you truly want me, because emotions can always differ.
I need you to understand that change is going to happen, we are going to change into two different people
And though I am not a fan of change I've come to terms with the action.
This relationship may not end in marriage, and it may not end at all but if it ends.. it ends in peace, not hatred.
I need you to be completely open with me the same way that I need to be completely open with you.
I need you to be understanding because.. some days I don't know myself..so I know I'll be hard to recognize.
I need you to understand that the way I feel about you, is a representation of how kindly you've treated me
With the most respect.. and I need to know, that it will always stay that way.
Otherwise I don't want it.

I gave a man everything that I had to give
Money that I barely had
Time I couldn't waste
Decisions I couldn't make
When he lost his peace, I found it and I dragged it all the way back to him
I showed him a different view of the world without even leaving the city
He told me that I was so kind, so sensitive.. he loved it, but noticed that anyone could hurt me.
After a few months and a falling out, I had thought it was best that we don't talk anymore
He said that I was too possessive, too crazy because I didn't want him disrespecting our relationship
He said I was too sensitive and took little things too far
And that's when I began to understand that people will begin to hate those same qualities they used to love about you
It leaves you so unsure of yourself, your personality
I question the values of words
Those soft "I love you's" or "I'm here for you"
It doesn't mean anything to me because people change.
Who knew unconditional love could be so.. conditional?
People don't admit to hurting you and instead.. they go aloft and frame you as if it was all your fault
Convincing yourself you were so toxic in order to alleviate their own guilt
People turn your better qualities against you.. such as kindness and transparency.
Your passion will be overwhelming
Your concern will be possessiveness
Your kindness will be naivity
Your love will be too much.
I've learned that the more intuned you are to their emotions, the better the love will be
We are made to feel, not lock away our emotions
It is how we communicate, how we view the world.. and people
It's how we remind ourselves that we're alive
So nobody is "too sensitive"
In a world where everybody is cold in the heart and
So amazed by living with no emotions
We are viewed as "moody" "possessive" "sensitive"
We need vulnerability, we need people who embrace their own feelings and recognize the weight of them
I resent the idea that I need to change, to harden my feelings just because I might be too complicated for a person to deal with
We like to think that we can just turn off our emotions when we're hurt.. in pain..
We go on and we always lose, because we're not machines.
So I will not change, I'll stay as being too sensitive
Because others can't find it in themselves to appreciate me, doesn't mean that I've lost my worth
I know you're here with me.

I know if I ever was stripped away from everything that I had in my life.. you would still be here for me.
You would help me in many ways and the thought of me having that engraved in my brain.. makes me feel so loved.
There are many people who claim they're here for you
There are many people who claim they're a shoulder
An arm, a leg.. when you might be in need
But when the time really comes
You sit there begging for help and nobody is around.
It's hard living life feeling as if there's no person by your side, and I've been feeling this way for most of my life.
But now I have you -
No matter what I want you to know that I am here for you
I would do just about anything for you, to any extent
I'm not just talking about subtle gifts and words -
I'm here for you the same way you're here for me
Because I care about you
You're mine. Always and forever.

I think the time that I truly felt like you are the one for me at this point in my life was when we had talked about relationships.
Our mutual agreements and discussed disagreements on certain topics was what helped each other become more clear.
The way we talked about how we felt if our significant other had an opposite gender best friend
The way we talked about communication and comprehension
The way we discussed motivation and determination on our passions
Pushing each other further
Being honest and transparent with one another
Spending quality time with one another.
You've taught me patience, prosperity, motivation..
These may seem like such little things but the truth is..
These little things are what builds the whole relationship.
You can't build a house with just straight bricks, you have to have a foundation.
And each conversation we have had about each others feelings and expectations, is a step closer to the foundation.
But just like every owned home.. we must take care of little cracks in the walls such as our disagreements and harsh emotions
We must always cleanse each other and help each other through things the both of us may be going through
But most importantly.. we must be here for one another, physically as well as mentally.
And this is why I feel like you are the perfect person for me.

Forever is a strong word.
Love is an even stronger word.
But when I picture the times that we've had together so far
The way we met, and the connection we had made since the beginning - first day
The way we were working on your song and ended with cuddling - second day
The way we spent the night together watching movies and taking advantage of each others presence
The way you had asked me to spend the night because you wanted me there - last day before I've missed out on you for months
But since then..
We've collected conversations through the phone
Talked about mutual feelings
Discussed things that we wanted to make sure of
Now we're just waiting to see one another.. only a few more months
Knowing we have many more memories to create
I feel like I'm falling in love with you
I know I reminder you plenty
But just know that when I say that phrase to you
It means a lot to me, but besides that
Just know I mean it, because I don't just say that to anybody.
You're special to me.

Time after time you make me feel like a prized possession.
Not just any little treasure, you make me feel like I'm your gem.
You understand me thoroughly
You listen to everything I have to say
You help me calm myself
You show me that you care.
I'm someone who needs constant reassurance
I search for approval from those around me which is honestly my greatest downfall
But yet you've shown me that these two things, I don't need.
Without constantly wording every reassuring statement out..
You show me with your actions.. without me even asking for it.
But more importantly than anything,
You understand me.. that's something my own family can't do
That's when I knew you were special.

I remember the first time I had expressed my emotions to you.
You were sitting in that same chair in front of the laptop with flashing lights and a blue background
With dark blue clothing and those gold glasses you love to wear.
I was on FaceTime with you.. and you were working on your music
We began having a conversation then suddenly I put it onto you.
Not going to lie I was afraid for your response
I was thinking that you were going to reject me and then I would have ruined something that was going so well.
But regardless, I thought, at least you would know my true feelings
And who knows.. what if you felt the same?
& I'm so glad I did.

You sat in awe for a few minutes.. thinking about every possibility
Probably emotions and memories
Wanders and worries.
Before you gave me a complete response..
But the phrase that stuck with me the most was when you asked me,
"Why did you come into my life?"
At that very satirical moment.. I knew I was special to you too.

I love when I have your attention
Sometimes I feel like the only time I get your true, undivided attention is when I read you these poems and when I'm upset
Which don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for.
But I love your attention, I love the feeling I get when I look at you
And you are looking at me, listening with both ears
Not being distracted by anything nearby,
No matter what stupid **** I have to say
But I also do realize that I say stupid **** a lot and you probably hear the same things over and over..
But I love when I have a grasp on your attention..
Not only do I feel cared for, but I feel worthwhile.

Every single day you remind me what it feels like to be loved
To be cared for
To be understood.
Sometimes I get afraid that I will hurt you, completely annoy you, disregard you
I get more worried about this rather than the other way around.
I become afraid that one day you'll be tired of my **** and walk up, and leave me.
To this day, I don't know why you waited for me.. for MONTHS.
We had only started talking for some time, barely even a month
And yet you still felt I was close to heart enough to wait for.
I don't even know how you tolerate me half the time
My emotions are always at an all time high or low
Depending on my mood and situation,
Yet every single day you treat me with the same respect and passion as you normally would.
I've learned a lot from you already, and when August comes, I know I will be completely safe with you.. and around you
I trust you.

I want you to express your feelings to me.
I'm over here constantly telling you how I feel
I base my relationships off of emotions which might not be your way, but it is a huge part of mine
I need to hear how you truly feel sometimes without me completely asking for it
Or trying to play guessing games with myself
I hear all about our ****** desires and fantasies
I hear all about our intimate touches and loving gestures but..
I want to know how you truly feel about me, and about our upcoming relationship.
That's something that is very important to me.

I appreciate your presence
Along with everything you do
Your kind words presented towards me by your soft heart
Your gifted brain helping me understand topics I'm not too familiar of
...Including myself.
I am falling completely in love with you and I'll say it proudly.
What caught me the most about you, is that you treat me the same as you did when we first met.
That's how I know I can trust you, because you treat me with the exact same love and respect every single day.
I'm still learning to be free with you
I'm learning to love you
I'm learning to trust you
And I wouldn't want to do any of this for anyone else.

Do you know how much I appreciate having you not only just in my life.. but as mine?
A friend, a lover to share the good times with and express all my troubles to.
A friend, a lover to be myself around and care for.
A friend, a lover who's too important to not be appreciated daily.
Even though I'm certain you already know how loved you are by me, I'd still like to tell you.

I love your laugh, the way you can just light up anybody's day with your smile. The way just about anything you make into a joke, and you always chuckle at things that aren't even funny, it's cute.

I love your voice, the way it makes me feel some type of way when you get stern. By type of way I mean I'm motivated but at the same time *****. The way you wake up and make those small moans as you're trying to awaken. The tone you use to talk about important things versus light-hearted topics. I love it.

I love your personality, this was the catch. You caught me with your heart before your ****, but you definitely got me with both. The way you're so honest and don't care what who thinks. The way you're mature and understand me. The way you not only support me, but push me further. I appreciate you.

I love your face. The way you look at me when you're *****. The way you look at me interested when I talk about anything. The way you admire me the same way I admire you. The way you're so  passionate about your goals and so independent. I'm proud of you.

Though you've heard all of this many times, you will continue to hear them over and over again. I love every single inch of your body. I love every part of your personality that I've met, and love double the parts that I haven't met yet. I love the way I feel with you, around you, near you, talking to you, just.. you. I love your heart. I love how you make me feel loved with such simple things yet.. simple goes so far. I feel appreciated by you, I feel loved by you, I feel happier with you, I feel supported by you.

I appreciate you more and more every single day. I will always remind you how you make me feel because you have made me stronger already. You've helped me shape myself into this woman that I love, that feels unstoppable at times. You help me in my time of need, you tell me what needs to be said. You read me, you read through me. I feel special with you.

You're my baby, my lover, my future boyfriend and I'm becoming in love with all of you.

You've never been hesitant in helping me in my time of need, and sharing your wisdom. You've always allowed me to operate in my manner of comfort, yet you also push me further.. out of my zone. You've believed in me when it felt like the whole world was against me. You reminded me that I have potential, that I am fierce.. in those times where I would doubt myself and what I have to offer. You've been my light, my guiding candle through this tunnel of darkness. You've stuck with me every single day.. making sure that I was okay, giving me advice when I need it, listening to me.. which is more special to me than the rest. You listen. I know sometimes I can be petty, and stubborn. I know sometimes I say I'm okay when I'm not. I know sometimes I get upset at things that don't even make sense, I'm very emotional.. and that's okay. I'm still learning you the same way you're learning me. I just want to thank you for staying with me, beside me.. every single day. You are cared for, you are appreciated, and you are loved.

When I feel your touch against my skin, it's instant comfort.
It's as if this specific warmth fills up my heart
My mind is suddenly at ease, my body is full of energy.
I hear your voice and it feels like a soft melody passing through my ears, surrounding my brain.
My mind is full of boxes - boxes filled with the small memories of us.. as well as physical representations of the ways you've made me feel.
My heart.. my heart is at ease, there's this moment of joy passing through my body mixed in with my blood.
I don't understand how you make me feel the way that you do, it's something I've never experienced before.
That may be why I get so anxious, and worried to lose you.. because I don't want to picture the rest of my life without you.
I've said it before and I'll say it again..
My love for you is a portrayal of how you treat me.. nothing more.
& That is why I'm falling deep.

Within the past few months, my eyes have opened.
I finally see the true beauty of nature
I understand what things are meant for me, and what to stay far from
I recognize my talents and push myself to go further, instead of staying surrounded by my comfort
I began to love more, be more open.. work on myself more.
The pandemic did change many things in life but even more than that.. you helped my true inner self be portrayed on the outside.
You guided me to feel safe with my feelings rather than run from them.
You've taught me how to really love someone, but even more than that.. you've shown me how to be treated.
You see, my problem is..
Unhealthy relationships is all that I'm used to, it feels like a small part of me.
You coming in, treating me with care and genuine love, is not what I'm used to.
It's taking time for me to settle within this relationship, but I wouldn't want to grow individually and together with anyone else.
You are not perfect, but you are my perfection.
You bring me feelings I've never felt before, you're like my miracle in human form.
I can't wait to live the start, and the rest of this relationship with you.. I adore you.
But most of all, I appreciate you.

Some people get lost in their heads, some people get lost in their hearts. Some feel so lost to the point where they only find true guidance in paradise. For me, I get lost in you. I get lost in your heart. I get lost in between us. The most confusing part of this relationship is wondering how it will go months.. even years down the line. A part of me wants to worry too much and save myself from pain, and another part wants me to live life to its fullest until time comes to an end. I'm mistaken inside my own head, but I'm also falling astray from yours. I'm lost.

You remind me of home, you remind me of my father.
Your personality, your constant motivation, your style.
You remind me of hope, you remind me of all things joyous.
The beauty of the sea and the sky, collided together.
You are the sky, my guiding light. I am the sea, full of storms on the inside, yet beautifully kept together.
Every hug makes me feel instant comfort, it's a need.
I have flown around the world and met no one like you..
Because you are all the things I kept coming back to.

i'm too afraid
to tell you
how i really feel

so i'll hide behind
small jokes
and soft phrases

i'm too scared
if i ask you
"do you feel the same
about me?"
your reply will be

"not yet."

we flirt
all the time
we smile and laugh
but how am i
supposed to know if this
is real?
i feel like i can't control
my emotions as easily.
it's so hard talking to you
everyday and not saying
all the things that i want
you to hear.

Time and time again, people disappoint me.
Whether it's friends, boyfriends, even family.
At this point it's something I should be able to just accept and move on, but it's not that easy for me.. I care too much.
Regardless of who comes and goes in my life,
Besides the fact that you're my man, and I will have you as mine for as long as time lets us..
I've also realized that you are someone who is meant to be in my life.
You make me stronger, you pull me through many situations I would be still stuck in if it wasn't for you.
You've blessed me in so many different ways and I can confidently say that I've never experienced that from someone before.
Your advice has caught me from doing the same dumb things that I've done for others in the past.
This is the time where I'm trying to understand my own identity, and you've been a huge part of that.
So maybe this IS my time of new beginnings.
As you've said.. new job, new apartment, new semester, and new boyfriend..

I said "I love you" for the first time last night.
I was sitting there in a comforting space, with the person I'm meant to be with.
He pushes me to communicate, he is my definition of perfection.
He knows me completely, from head to toe.
Every curve on my body to every thought in my brain.
At first I was afraid of what his response was going to be..
But he gave me the perfect one.
"I'm getting there."

I want him forever.

Now that you've been with me for a bit, you've seen just about every part of me.
The frustration that comes from just about everybody
The depression that rots inside of my mind, no matter how much I write or how much in peace with life I am
The anxiety that takes over me, no matter the dosage of medication nor breathing that helps long-term
You've seen me be a mess and that is why I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid that you've seen me in these ways, especially in my vulnerability, you've seen me want you
I've told you I love you
I'm afraid now that you know these things.. you'll leave me
Because honestly, these parts of me.. my anxiety especially
My mental need to want to be with you at all times
Especially each night..
Is what I've been trying to hide from the beginning.
I'm scared. I get so scared.
I want to be someone you choose, and someone you'll eventually love. Not someone who bothers you constantly, nor someone who distracts you from your passion.
I'm learning TJ and I see my faults.. please bear with me.
But most importantly, please don't leave me.

You are the light to my tunnel, the sun to my darkness
You are the food to my body, the breath to my lungs
You are the art to my soul, the poetry to my mind
You are the rose to my beauty, the rose of my heart.
Anytime you need me, I will be here for you
Don't worry about me, more so be there for yourself
Don't ever doubt my words even in times that are blue
As you know, baby, bruises don't last forever
But when they arrive onto your skin, take your time and heal
I will always be here, supporting you from the sidelines, the crowds
But you need you more than I need you
Take care of yourself, beloved.

I want to thank your mother for giving birth to such a beautiful and kindhearted man
I want to thank your childhood for the growth into making you become the person you are today
But most importantly, I want to thank you.
The day you entered my life, was a time full of blessings
Who knew one little message could spark a light of joy between two humans?
Who knew that two people with no intentions of being together..ended with becoming a couple?
I am most gracious of having a man that is not only understanding and caring,
A man that not only supports and communicates, but pushes me to do better each and everyday
Your reassurance is the beauty I need within my mind
Your emotions became the connections of us, as a pair
You are such a blessing, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise
Either way, I'll still be here to give you the world
No matter whether it's in the dark or the day
I promise you, I'm here to stay.

An ocean breeze
Swishing over the sunset
The sea welcomes me

My teddybear is my best friend
You may think that I'm caught in my childhood
Maybe that I'm just immature
But this teddybear has been here for me throughout all my years
Beginning from when my father gifted it to me at the age of 7
Leading up to my fathers death at the age of 12
All the way until now.. at the age of 18
This teddybear is sentimental and seen to me as a blessing
Each night that I used to be crushed in between my thoughts
Begging for a way out of my mind, my bear held my hand
He clutched my heart with such pureness, and would indicate me to take my time to heal
My teddybear is the representation of my father.

I am in the fourth grade..
Excited for what joyous memories come ahead.
I'm ready for the traumatic experiences in my life.
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Though I'm in the fourth grade my mindset is well past those my age
I am excited for the nights out with my friends
I'm ready to be successful and rich
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Being in the fourth grade..my teachers have taught me to slow down
Take things day by day, step by step, minute by minute
Because once this time is gone, I can't go back
I'm learning to take their advice, and I'm loving the fourth grade.

You put your ear to the ground and you listen to the suffering of the humans placed beneath us
How they are living in Hell.. warning us about the pain that is afflicted upon them
Telling us to fall onto the right path of life, so we do not end up in the same position
Warning us to get closer to God, and do right with your peers.

You put your ear to the ground and you hear the joy of the humans bestowed above us
How they are living in Heaven.. guiding us along the way
So we are not led astray by the nonbelievers, ending up exactly as them
Aiding us with our religion and spirituality.

You put your ear to the ground and you can vision the enjoyment and the beauty of life
How these moments are passing quickly, and we do not have enough
So quit worrying about the future
And live today.
In the present.

the spirals against my skin

words caught inside my throat

ability to remove pain altogether

guilt overbearing the heart endlessly

signs turned into wasted cries

the heart snatched from humanity

time is escaping us all

life is endangering my ability

just as I had thought

six feet into my heart

tempered into motions of sadness

I've given too much time

Snake bites on my skin

you gripped me with discomfort

"You'll be okay"

1. A phrase to minimize the stories told to those battling inner fights, distancing from the tales of being caught in between the pain and negativity.

2. Lies that have resurfaced to the face of the earth, repeated to each other over.. and over.. and over again.

3. The meanings of raw feelings being hidden inside the tombs of depression.. and anxiety.

4. Words that are constantly spoken, to each and every person, becoming desensitized as many more times as it is told.

5. What if everything is not going to be okay, and we all lay around in pools of white lies that we make up our own selves.

6. How hard is it to tell someone that if they do not feel mentally stable, that there are hearts surrounding the circles of heavy thoughts and burdening emotions, sources available to assist one another.

7. These are words spoken to one another in any event, any situation. Just so others can say they had tried to help those that are stuck in their tedious minds, unraveling as the seconds pass by.

8. How those around us only care for the show, and never actually purely from the heart.

9. The cold feeling you get inside of your heart because you are numb to these expressions, a persistent train of thought that lingers in the back of your mind as a weight instead of a benefit.

10. If you speak of the simple term of being "okay" or "fine," then why do you sit in the corner of your room, yelling into the pillows and drowning your tears in tissues every single night?

Why am I always being doubted
Seems like for years I have been trying to redeem myself
Impress others by becoming my best self
Be proud of my own self, yet it seems like nothing works
To everyone I am a disappointment, a burden
And I am always going to be.
No matter how many times you may tell me that it's not true
Or that I'm a blessing, an angel.. I won't believe it.
I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of this cruelty of life
For years I have been searching for happiness, for years I was searching for my identity
I thought I found myself only to just lose myself again, like this is some cycle.
I'm writing this poem with tears in my eyes and pain devoted in my heart
I am hurting, and I've been hurting for a while
Yet I keep my feelings hidden for the satisfaction of others.
Why am I always living for others?
Is it so hard to just live and not worry about anything
It's like my anxiety finds the smallest reasons to feast through my mind
Nibble through my brain and leaving my heart torn
I am in pain, emotionally
I am in pain, physically
& I am in a lot of pain, mentally.

I write this with pain in my heart and my voice caught in my throat.
I often wonder why I never stand up for myself, why am I constantly pushed around?
By lovers, by family, by friends.
Am I the issue? I couldn't be.. I give my heart to everyone I meet
So maybe that's the problem.. I'm too kind
I'm too giving.. I'm too caring.
Why don't I put myself over others for once?
Why do I continously put myself into positions where I grieve over people who don't even think of me?
People who have never checked up on me, who don't care for me.
Why am I so kind and loving to the wrong people, yet afraid and nonchalant with those I should be treating with love?
I don't understand me, I don't understand why I do what I do
Why I am the way that I am
I wish that I was less loving to others, and there for myself more
Each day that passes, that I'm in this environment
Stuck with people who only care about me for the show of the community, rather than their own hearts
I feel like I am losing myself more and more
I feel like a disappointment, I feel like a burden
I feel like I'm in pain, I feel like I'm hurting
Sometimes I just feel that I could end it all
Be reunited with the only human that has ever loved me correctly,
My father. Of course he's dead though right.

A day I wouldn't mind reliving, would be each consecutive weekend I would spend solely with my father
How each Saturday we would go watch the sunset and eat dinner at our favorite restaurants
How each Sunday would be our day where we would wake up early, and watch the sunrise together
Every single day that I had spent with my father, would be another day I want to relive
Every day that I've lived without, and continue to live without, is another day I want to dismiss.

Today was the day I got the first official copy of my book
I'm overjoyed and in denial
The thoughts I have thrown onto paper
The years I've spent in misery and pain
All is in this one book, that is now about to be published.
I am in joy but I am more nervous
Why am I afraid of vulnerability when
My pain, my hurt could be treasure to heal
The way I lay my words, and understand my own emotions
I know others will like this book
I am more than excited for it to be on sale..
Scarlet Rose & Growth

My work is now published and being sold
I couldn't be more ecstatic
Buy it if you'd like
"Scarlet Rose and Growth" on Amazon

I cannot even put into words how happy I have been
It's like the dream I've had since I was a child.. I achieved it
I made it, what I wanted to be
An artist
An author
A poet
Many talented traits all in one
And from here on, it only goes up
I will continue to thrive and surround myself in positive environments
Push away those that hurt my heart and made me suffer
I am proud of myself and my accomplishments
But listen here,
I'm not done yet
This is just the beginning.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to find peace in my environment
To search for tranquility within all the chaos
Swallow the pain, remain persistent with myself

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to take things day by day
Pause the thoughts that continuously run through my mind
Quit searching for the answers, and let life take me along its path

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to put myself before others
Those nights where I sit in the corner of my room drenched with tears
Begging for individual souls to go the same extent I do for them

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how they have seen me suffer for years
They would tell me how much they have seen me grow along this process
How far I've gone for those I love, that it is all noticed.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how proud they are of me.

The things I have left behind, are the characteristics of my past self
The toxicity, the pain, the anger
The rage that was constantly staked into my heart
The despair of the baggage I had left upon my peers
The hate I had in my heart for my own self.
I never knew how terrible things were until I got to a better state mentally
So as soon as I was able to, I left my past self behind
And I grew into this new girl
With love in her heart towards everyone surrounding her
And even better..
Love for her own self.
The hate and anger was replaced by positivity and joy.

An apology that I will never receive, but I wish I did.

This goes for many people..
The family members I had grown with who abused me mentally
The boys who thought it was okay to touch me, take me without my consent
The men that were in my past that would abuse me, manipulate me
Myself.. for hating me.

My mother would always call me a burden, a pain in the ***
The reason my father passed
Because I caused him too much stress
My brothers would beat me mentally over small issues, any instances where I hadn't fallen into their path

The boys that treated me so brutally
Beating me, ****** me, leaving me
The boys who thought it was just fine to get hard
While I'm suffering and hurting
While I was stuck in pain, trying to escape

The men that would fake attempt suicide, just to **** up with me another time
A fourth time.. a fifth time.. sixth time..
The men that would constantly push me further and further towards the edge
Yet when I was about to leave, they'd regret their actions and pull me back to them

Myself.. for my putting my own self into situations that would only cause me more pain
Myself.. for hurting my own self and disregarding my own emotions just for the satisfaction of others
Myself.. for not knowing my worth and disrespecting my own self by going back to everything that hurt me
Myself.. for not being there for me.

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of myself
To understand myself at all times mentally
To be okay physically
And quit fearing from my own self emotionally.

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of myself
Before I try to provide aid to someone else
To help my own self through the toughest times
Instead of acting like I'm just fine for the satisfaction of others

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of those around me
And make sure everything is okay with them
Not to let them suffer while I don't know about it
To provide everyone I care for with love
And attachment.

So answer me this..
What's your emergency?

The age of becoming legal
The age where you have become an adult
Congratulations, you're now able to vote.
Wow, you have your own life now.
Parents don't need to be with you anymore
All the help you "had" before is now down the drain
And you are alone.

The age of independency
The age of where you don't need to be attached to anybody
Congratulations, you're grown.
Wow, you don't need those parental figures anymore
Your mentors from the past now assume you'll be just fine
All the years ahead that you are going to suffer
And you are all alone.

Confusion surrounds my mind at all times
I'm constantly in thought, asking questions that nobody knows the answers to
Being curious about socially taboo topics.
Now let me ask you -

Why are we so cruel to one another?
Why do we look at one human being and expect one thing, yet face a whole other with lowered expectations?
Why is the bar set so high for certain people, yet for others it's **** near on the ground?
Why is the education system such a failure, especially for those who are needing to learn?
Why do the rich get more aid from the government, rather than those who are suffering in poverty?
Why are there men and women that cannot control their own hormones, placing themselves in human beings that do not want to be ****** with them.. out in the streets?
Why are there 'offenders' locked up for having psychedelics but there are known rapists roaming the streets with provided evidence?
Why are Caucasians not seen as criminals, being shown as having mental illnesses but African Americans are being shot for taking a stroll with a hoodie on?
Matter of fact why is racism so prominent in this age.. this generation, where we have been known to overcome our past differences?
Why are muslims being seen as terrorists when the biggest terrorist known to mankind is the white man?
Why are immigrants being spread apart from their families, just for trying to search for a better opportunity in a new country?

Let me make this clear with all of you..
But this isn't even half of what I'm confused about.

"What's at the end of the rainbow?"

Let me give you my response..

At the end of the rainbow is my prosperity.
The happiness I have been yearning for, for years
The pain I have been put through, it's only right to end with joy

At the end of the rainbow is my future
The amount of work I've put in, just to be successful
The traumatic experiences I've gone through, it's only right to end smoothly

At the end of the rainbow is true love
The effort I would give in, that was never reciprocated
The pain these men have caused me, it's only right to be deeply loved by the right man

At the end of the rainbow is the new me
The old me is left behind, stuck in the past
I do not want her nor do I associate with her, it's only right to start over

At the end of the rainbow is everything I have been searching for, for years.. and I'm ready to obtain it all now.

...If they took my voice

If they snatched my voice, my actions would speak
My heart would pull through, my body would express itself
They cannot cover my message,
Because my body asserts me too
And nobody can take that away
Even though some of these men try to.

The things you do not share when you are dating someone new.

From my perspective.

When I begin dating someone new, my guard is built so high
You would need about 12 ladders just to grab the bottom
I may be transparent through my poetry, but with people that I am not completely comfortable with
It takes time.
You do not share true personal information.
You always begin to ask yourself and take notes on the little things, before you push deeper into your vulnerability.
You must always be cautious because we, as women, should expect the least out of most men.
We've been left, *****, sexually assaulted, and thrown in the dust from those we've cared for.
So when you begin dating someone new, make sure you understand them, and are aware of the intentions.

Talking directly to my own body.

I am coming to you as my new self, with peace.
With love towards you now, that I had never felt in the past.
There are days that I would feel upset, and I apologize for placing my negative thoughts onto you.
I apologize for the time I had spent, carving harsh words deeper into my epidermis until I felt the pain inside of my blood.
I apologize for the amount of times that I had tried to take my own life, and the affliction it must have caused you as well as everyone around me.
I apologize for the times that I would starve myself, just because I was not comfortable with the way I looked.
I apologize for the times that I would look in the mirror with disgust, with hate not only towards you..  but also my own self.
I apologize for treating you as if you weren't mine, as if I could get rid of you.
I apologize for letting men take you, and not pushing hard enough to get away while they were getting their pleasure, without my consent.
I apologize for not seeing the beauty in you, that I see now.
You are beautiful, and you are a part of me.

Writing through one of my fears.

I am afraid of the dark.
The loneliness that is attached to it
The pain that is afflicted to my soul when it becomes pitch black
How the mind loses itself and begins to replay thoughts that had been tucked into this deep, tiny corner inside a vessel of my heart
How memories become reoccurring images inside of my brain
I am afraid of the dark
How again..
When the sun becomes the moon..
I lose myself.

If healing made a home in my body.. it'd be living inside of my heart.
The love I infuse into different souls
The process of healing would be a fool to surround itself anywhere else
You see.. healing is like a rose
Look closer, you see the agony, discomfort
Look from afar, you vision through the pain
When it is given attention to.. watered..
It blooms with grace, with elegance, in awe.
So if healing made a home inside of my body
Its first resort would be to reach an area that can be in the greatest deal of pain
Yet hold the most beauty
And that is my heart.