I feel like I've been the hardest to love
I have been drowning in tears
Surrounded by lust and manipulation
I've been placed into this mindset where all men act the same
That they are heartless creatures just searching for pleasure
Maybe it was because I'm just too difficult for a man to love me
Too many traumatic experiences and deep emotions..
They try to let me go and I can feel it
I am a burden upon them, a negative addiction placed onto their hearts
Maybe that's why men lust me
Because they still get a part of me.. without the constant anchor weighing them
Below the shores and strained into that depressive state
Who knows..
Maybe I'm just hard to love.

The first time I felt my heart break.. I had disowned myself
Constantly facing towards the past to understand what I had done wrong
Was it me or something I did?
I felt so disappointed in my own self that I let her go
She didn't know her worth and relied on a man to show her
That was her first mistake
She gave him superiority to the point where
He was able to manipulate her emotions
Tossing her around, acting like she was a doll..
That was her second mistake
I could go on and on about how she threw herself into situations
That would only cause her more pain
But why should I do that, when I've let go?
I am not her anymore.. she is dead.
This new me.. will never rely on a man
Not just a man, she will never let another PERSON carry her upon this path of life
Because she is strong, she has been through too much
To look down at her own self and see failure.

Dear Norah,

I mark this paper with words of remorse towards my former self
I write this with pain in my heart, and regret for my past actions
I apologize for the discomfort in my own body
But more importantly.. I apologize for the aching of my soul
I'm sorry for still not becoming the person you had thought I would become by this age
I'm sorry for still suffering mentally..while trying to search for my identity
I'm sorry for not understanding myself to the full extent yet.
There are a lot of things that I'm disheartened about..
But at the same time..
I'm a better person today than I was a few years ago
I'm a more reliant and independent individual
I'm myself, and I am proud of me.
So past Norah, I'm sorry for not being mentally stable enough to handle myself
But I have grown.
And as my parents always told me..
With patience comes progress
With time, I'll thrive.

Mother -

Never did I know that today would be your last day to live.
Otherwise I would have put my pride aside and told you
Many things that I have never spoken of before
I wish I had one more day to spend with you -
I need you more than I need myself and now you're gone..
Well at least you're with dad now, where you always wanted to be
Rested in paradise with your lover.
I regret my past actions and hardened emotions towards you
I regret the tender care you provided me, that I always overlooked
I regret the pain that I have caused you, the heartache
But more importantly.. I regret not spending more time with you.
I hope to see you again one day, soon.
Please save a seat for me mom and dad, I love you both
I will make it up to you for the rest of my life
As well as the Hereafter.
You both are in my duas (prayers).

I am in this room full of people, yet I feel so alone.
It seems like there are high expectations and judgments placed all around me
To be in a place meant to be overflowed with happiness, flipped upside down and viewed in a negative state.
To be among the crowds and be able to face the fear of their power
The ability to be able to weigh you down with just a single touch.
I am in this room full of people, who claim they care for me
Who constantly remind me that they're here for me,
Yet I feel so alone.
I feel like I am swarmed by this constant presence of hatred and disgust
I feel like a monster among my peers, destroying peace as it comes to my touch
I feel like I do not even know myself, so how am I supposed to sit here
And feel joyful in a room cramped with hundreds of strangers...
Including myself.

2 years ago, November 5th, 2017.
I was beaten and ***** by a man that I did not even know.
A man that thought it was okay to take my body, without my consent.
A man that thought it was okay to drug my drink, so I would be unconscious while he gets his pleasure.
A man that thought it was just fine to punch me, scratch me, hit my head against hard surfaces every time I would attempt to get away from him.
I still have scars remaining.

A few months ago, October 3rd, 2019.
I was sexually assaulted by a man that claimed he cared for me.
A man that thought it was okay to feel on me, against my will.
A man that thought it was okay to pull me closer, as I'm moving away.
A man that thought it was just fine to get angry when I would yell "no" and "stop".
I still have scars remaining.

Yet time after time, we blame the victim
Maybe it was what she/he was wearing.
Maybe it was how she/he was acting.
Maybe she/he deserved it, and it taught them a lesson.
This mentality is so close-minded, so toxic for the environment
Not only that, but it is completely disrespectful. Morally wrong.

This cycle will not stop without help and support for each other.
& To anyone else who has experienced something similar,
You are strong. This does not define you.
I love you.

I  often feel neglected.
My heart is too good for this world, I'm too kind, too caring.
Everyone wants to be nonchalant.
People would rather hurt others before they get hurt themselves.. like some sort of competition.
I often feel hated,
Why does it seem like everyone is against me?
It must be myself that's the problem.
All these people have their own close friends.. healthy relationships..
While I'm sitting here.. 19 years old.. wanting to end myself.
It feels like I'm losing my best friend.. which I am.
It feels like everyone around me is dying.. which they are.
It feels like I'm not capable of love.. I doubt myself.
I keep things inside. I'm too worried about the future. I'm too sensitive. I'm too moody.
And the worst part of it all.. it seems like it's my fault..
All.
The.
Time.

The only thing in between me and this degree,
Is the tears, the diligence, the frustration.
But then I envision the future
While reminiscing about the past..
Would it really be so shallow,  day by day..
If I ceased and made today be my last?
Or should I continue to pursue.. and become viable to the economy
Sometimes it feels like a challenge of eternity
But obtaining energy to make it to the end..
Is the accomplishment of a lifetime.
I'm proud of me, and I hope you are too.

My thoughts are tired of themselves
The aching of my brain equates to the pain fixated into my body..
The softness in my soul..
The lack of empathy that everybody has around me
The voice that is caught in my throat
Is screaming for therapy
I am shivering but it isn't cold outside
I am sleeping from daylight to the night
I am losing my complete appetite
My body, mind, soul, and heart are all frozen
How am I supposed to grow when my petals are in captivity
Please help me..
Please come and get into my shoes.

Lately I've been distracting myself
So I don't have to feel what I feel
Lately I've put emotions to the side
So I don't have to feel what I feel

It's hard living when you're depressed
And what's the point of being sad?
I constantly remind myself that it's just a waste of time
But sometimes
It catches up to me

- 07/14/19

It seems so simple and effortless to become a poet
Just write out your emotions and be vibrant with the pain through your words
Simple enough..
Now what about when you're trying to hide your adversities..
While trying to be transparent about your feelings?
Or how about performing in front of large groups of people..
While trying to detain your tears and imprison the pain
Is it still so uncomplicated?

Poetry is a gift..

It gets draining trying to have conversations with people who go out of their way to look for something to complain about.
It gets draining trying to even converse with others when you aren't in the right state of mind to.
It gets draining to have to start over and learn everything about another person.
It gets draining to take things back to square one and become vulnerable with yet, another person
Who's just going to end up leaving again..

I'm personally tired.
I'm drained by my peers.
Being dragged around by everyone, not letting myself be my own self
It's like everyone is so judgmental, everyone is so hateful towards one another
Even those who support you, turn around and talk badly about you.
This world is so cruel, it's so hard living every day
It hurts me to sit here and write this
My mind has been drowning in tears, and the saddest thing is.. nobody would truly know
At this point, I've mastered silent cries.
My heart has been hurting, my mind has been lurking.
I've been searching for my peace for a long time and sometimes I don't think it's even meant for me.
On another note.
I saw this tweet today,
That women do a lot of things that go unnoticed and unappreciated by men.. and I have never seen another tweet so true.
No matter how much I try, no matter how hard I work, no matter how above and beyond I go.. it'll never be enough.
That **** hurts my heart.

Once upon a time
I was stuck in a tunnel
More deep than you may realize
It was like a maze
And those grieving were the ones
Stuck inside

As time had passed
The tunnel had grown
Deeper & deeper I got stuck
With no aid
No guidance
I had just given up

Then came along a boy
He was the light through the tunnel
The aid that was needed
The angel set out for me

He held my hand
Took me through the dirt
Across the horizons
And showed me life

This is a story of the time I felt
Happy
Pure
Loved.

But sadly we don't talk anymore.

- 02/22/19

I'm tired of the pain that subjects over my bones and through my blood.
I'm tired of fighting this battle of emotions with myself every single day.
I'm tired of hiding my true emotions, under this sheet of guilt.. just for the satisfaction of others.
I'm tired of constantly having to uplift those around me but when it is me that needs help, there is no one around.
I'm tired of making my own path, and having to figure out this cruel world on my own.
I'm tired of begging for help each and everyday through my words, yet nobody surrounds me.
I'm tired of the pressure being put on myself to save my family.
I'm tired of my emotions being pushed aside by everyone else, exactly how I push them myself.
I'm tired of nobody understanding me, not knowing how to comfort me, but expecting me to adjust to everyone else's needs.
I'm tired of people labeling me.
I'm tired of people doubting me.
I'm tired of people not letting me.. be me.
When will life give me a break..
It seems like the negativity will only seize when I am dead.

Sometimes I wonder..
What would the world be like if I wasn't here?
Would there still be sunshine..
And rainbows?
Or would it just be darkness and despair?
What am I thinking
My presence makes no difference
I'm not worth as much as people think
And I guess I just have to respect that
Even though my conscience tells me otherwise

He tells me I'm worth it
I face the other direction
He tells me I can
I drown myself with doubts
When will I realize
That I am my own enemy.

- 12/04/19

Every single week, it's the same routine
I work all day, ready to come home
By the weekends I am drained, depleted, deprived of vitality
Sometimes I wonder why I am not like the others..
Why I don't take time for myself.. relax with myself
But most importantly..
Why am I not proud of myself?
It seems like everyday is a new battle against my emotions
But the results stay the same.. depression.
I tell myself that I would rather fight through the stress and vibrancy
Just to hear you say you're proud of me
Even just once.. but then I think deeper
I analyze my own actions and constantly ponder at the thought that..
I am never proud of myself.
I degrade my own capabilities.
I pray for my own downfalls.
Give me your time, space, and energy
You aren't my enemy.. my enemy is me.

It feels like
A knife
Continuously going back and forth
Through my body
It's slowly killing me
A painful death
Where's my escape ?

- 03/25/19

My heart aches
Why did you have to come near me?
Showed me affection
Gave me hope
Then turned around and jabbed me
Left me to bleed
I am in so much pain
But you wouldn't care
Because she's right over there
Waiting for you
But before you go on
I want to warn her
Tell her everything you did to me
And I want to tell you
I still love you

- 12/03/19

Many times I just want to get these thoughts out of my mind
I feel the need of a person who will sit beside my body
Be patient while I try to form thoughts into a storyline
Understand me while I'm understanding myself
But then I remind me
People don't care
They only want you to be okay
Because when you have those suicidal thoughts
The thoughts you acted upon and now you're gone
They want people to think they were here for you
They don't want to feel like the reason
Or that it could be avoided because of them
And that's just society nowadays
People only care for the show not for the heart.

- 01/18/2020

How is it that I write such words
Healing others through my poetry
Yet my poems do not help me
The one in need

- 06/08/19

It is my life
My fate
So why do you try hard
To change the outcome
To try to fight what's coming
Let things be for once.

- 08/17/19

How hard is it
To let go of your fears
And continue on with your life

Knowing any step could be your last
And any moment may just be a vast memory
Sitting in class trying to understand the lesson
But your thoughts corrupted your mind
And it's not that easy
You're fading so quickly
But what else can you do?

- 01/30/19

The more I get to know you
Understanding your tendencies..your capabilities..
I feel a bigger heart full of love for you
Each step you take
Jogging your way into my heart
Running through my mind constantly
I feel like my soul has awaken
I feel like I have found myself
I feel like I have been brought to the fate of my happiness
Sometimes I feel like you're too good to be true
Other times I feel like I'm worth it.. like I deserve it
But either way
You are the biggest blessing that I've had in a while
So please don't disappoint me
And..
Please don't leave me
You're everything I've been asking God for.

- 01/18/2020

They don't give, but they want, they take
The cycle restarts
They don't listen, but they hear, they tell
The cycle repeats
Continuously asking yourself
"Where did I go wrong"

Regrets filling up your mind
You're looking for the bright little light to shine
In the shadow of the darkness
In the depth of the sea
Continuously asking yourself
"What the hell is wrong with me"

You'd ride or die for anybody that comes your way
Deep down, thinking that's a mistake
Not realizing it's merely an act of positivity
That quickly turns into a bad habit
A negative neglection
An addictive obsession
Continuously asking yourself
"When will I learn my lesson"

Going day by day,
Dragging yourself at the slowest pace
Your depression taking over your mind
Your questions taking over your conscience
Your actions taking over your heart
It's all yours
You control it all but you don't understand
And you continuously ask yourself
"When will I realize?"

- 01/06/19

Filter your emotions with words
Examine your goals and how far you are willing to go
Control the rage you have inside your heart
And watch how positive you can see the world
How beautiful the Earth truly is
When you hit one bump
Don't fool yourself into striking another
You are okay
And you always will be
As long as you believe in yourself.

- 12/03/19

I was always seen to be different
Growing up, it was like I was stuck in another realm
From a young age, I had to teach myself
But not only myself, my parents too
It was like everyone was depending on me
And to my parents, this was all new
You see, here's my story..
My parents were immigrants who left their homes
For a better opportunity
Now it's like I'm apart of this disheartened community
Of distress and despair
Wishing someone could take my hand
Cross the bridge
And take me there
Everything that I have taught myself
No matter what lessons I learned
And how I managed past
At the end of the day,
I still had to sit there
And teach them how to teach me
So they wouldn't be outcasts
Being a child of an immigrant
Or even one yourself
Is more of teaching your own through life
And that was something
Nobody had signed up for

Everything is rooted from your mind.
Everything is rooted from your mind.
Everything is rooted from your mind.

Is it really so bleak
Everything around me
So..grim
I am in dire need of a weapon
I am insupportable to myself
Intolerable to the pain
That runs through my body
This blood gushing out of me
When will I see my afterlife fantasy?

- 08/21/19

If you knew me in the past
You wouldn't recognize who I am today
The depression took over me years ago
But now I have control
The anchor off the boat has been let loose
I am undefeated
So if you knew me in the past
You don't know me now
I am not the same person
She is a stranger
And I am someone who is not lost anymore
I found myself.

- 12/12/19

The human mind is like a galaxy full of thoughts
Instead of stars
Gifted with each individual detail
Placed together to make a beautiful memory
Stored in the back of the brain untouched

It is complex.

- 04/21/19

Escape from the wilderness
Of my dreams
Suffer the silence
Of those who are near
The distant ones are the safer ones
The nearer the better
My thoughts like a jungle
Corrupted in every sense
Caged into my brain
Capacity on low
I'm going to explode

- 03/07/19

Everyday I wake up and my body is immense pain
Is this a sign?
Am I running out of time?
Or is this just because I don't take care of my health?
Because I have my first meal of the day at 11 pm
Or because I don't go to the doctor when I am in need
Mentally & physically
Maybe it's because of my condition.. or my anemia
Who knows?

Sometimes.. just sometimes.. I'd rather hear words of comfort rather than words of truth.

I feel like your pawn
I feel like a burden in your eyes
I feel like.. maybe we aren't meant for each other.
I feel like I bother you more than keep you happy
I feel like I'm just another girl and not someone you want to make yours
I feel like.. I'm too attached to you.
I care too much about you
I want to do everything for you
I'm starting to feel too much for you
I don't know how to not be so attached to you, when you're perfect to me.
No I'm not saying humans can be perfect, but you are what I've been looking for this entire time.
I'm just afraid, just like I've always been.
I don't want to be too much for you, I don't want to keep bothering you
I just don't know why I'm so attached to you.

My soul is impatient
My body is shaken
Give me time for minutes is all I need.. but I don't have enough
I'm young but time is escaping me
My own self is generally disabling me
Wasted signs, wasted rhymes, wasted cries

All the time that was given and the pain that was forsaken towards you
Through all the emotional wounds and discomfort , I still forgive you
But the time.. that is something that I can never get back
All that while that has been misspent on you

Sadly now I'm just on my own.

Sometimes I feel like I am at a lost of words, dwelling in this writers block. Other times, I think maybe it is because I do not want to truly face my emotions, because of the pain that life has caused me. I do not want to regress back into a negative state so I take life as it comes and continue to move forward, but sometimes I feel like I am disregarding how I truly feel. I am running away from my own self such as a coward simply because I do not want to be an adult and handle the thoughts that go through my mind, so I turn the other way and act like all is fine. How can I expect someone else to give my emotions and I acknowledgement and respect when I can't even do the same?

- nsw 03/15/22

Many times I feel lonely
I don't know why or what's wrong with me
I thought that leaving home would be my complete peace
But it's been worse since then.
I feel like I have no friends
And I feel like I bother everyone I meet.

Sometimes I want to bawl and let all my emotions out
I just can't take my thoughts or handle my feelings most times.
My heart is at a disadvantage
My mind is eating itself and pulling my thoughts apart
Who knew
A person who is all smiles and has everything she needs,
Could still be in so much internal pain?
I need help..

At the end of the day
You only have yourself
Everybody is so worried about themselves
They forget about others
And those others
Are the ones desperately begging
For help to come their way

And you shun them
So don't mind me if I say
I feel alone
But I won't say a word
Because words might start the battle
But actions are the swords

- 04/20/19

I feel like my thoughts are turning against me
Sometimes I feel like I am not able to control them
My fears have become so rooted that I..
I became afraid of myself.

Every year, every day, every minute, every second
Is a whole new battle with myself and with my tears
I am tired of constantly dealing with the pain
The hurt that is lingering around the bottom of my waist trickling all the way up to the edge of my ears

My heart is in pain, and it has been like this for a while
But nobody really cares until it's the end of time
Nobody understands until you are a hashtag, or just a photo
Maybe even an unsolved case, like this is some sort of a game
A joystick ride for media to gain advantage of you

I am in pain, surprising to tell, but lately everything has been so blue
But who the hell is going to sit with me
And help me with what I need to get through
Yeah.. that's right.. nobody.

Maybe you’re the reason why I’ve kept myself working
One day you were the best thing that came into my life
And the next you gave me the worst heartbreak
Taking me back to a state I swore I would never be at again
I can’t believe I let myself get hurt the way you did me
& it’s worse because you don’t even care.
You live your days with joy and laughter
While mine are constantly filled with thoughts and memories of you
You didn’t deserve me..
You never did.
But I gave you another chance because I had seen the potential
And look where that took me.

- nsw

Lately I haven't been able to comprehend how I feel. It's like I'm in this realm of tranquility but also disruption of peace. I thought I found myself a few months ago, I believed that I had regained self-identity. Recently I haven't been able to identify my own mind in the conscious of chaos. As the days pass by, as the rain pours down against my skin harder and faster, as the communities get sickly, it becomes more difficult to separate myself from the crowd. My visage has flipped from being joyous to depressive. One moment I'm in utter happiness and the next I suffer from constant panicking. Searching for  approval around me has caught me to realize that I was never enough nor will I ever be. God gives me this reminder, that I am needed as a glow, a radiance. Let me be your light.

My tears spell 'goodnight'
My heart is aching in pain
My mind says "I can't rest"

I guess it's just a matter of time
But also when I'm ready

A wise woman once sang this beautiful phrase,
"You have got to trust the signs, everything will turn out fine."

After hearing this, my mind has been at peace
My thoughts have become clear, positive, loving.
I have found my guiding light.

"W.A.Y.S." by Jhené Aiko.

Lately I've been overjoyed
It's like I got out of this box
Of depression and helplessness
I overcome my biggest enemy
Which was myself
Now I'm my own best friend
And it makes me feel .. worried
Consciously I am afraid of myself
Unconsciously I am afraid of the world
I am afraid of people and their power
To destroy my mental health
My abilities, my thoughts
Sometimes I feel like I am taken advantage of
For my words, for my talents
When I am in need there is no one around
I am uncared for
Maybe it's time for me to not be around
Now how do you think I feel?

- 01/18/2020

Give it up to me
To be the one
Who lets herself down
Causing her own pain
Dragging her own heart
Demanding affection from those
Who act like they care
Killing my own individuality
Many times I drop myself
I lose my dignity and my purpose
Life is so much more
Than unwanted emotions and hesitant people
Waste my time
I need to stray away
With the way things are going right now
Sometimes I am afraid
That I won't even make it to the next day.

- 12/04/19

I hate showing my emotions.
I don't like other people getting the satisfaction of knowing how I feel and having that over me.
I have been gaslighted, manipulated, emotionally abused.
So how much of a fool would I be, to sit here and become vulnerable with another human being.. who has the power to do that to me again?

I'm not a poet. I don't feel like one at all. I just like to twist my thoughts together to form sentences, but often times I get lost in my imagination of what could've been.
Though I provide beauty through my words, I lack in caring for my mental picture. These thoughts of mine are pushed to the back of my mind and because of this, terms do not flow so easily, delaying my poetry into bliss.
I believe that I just rearrange letters in a variety of ways to encompass the thoughts running through my mind, without providing the concept of vulnerability so I remain unknown.
I am terrified of letting an individual get to know me, especially when 2022 became the year of nonchalance and breaking hearts.
I'm not a poet. I don't feel like one at all. I simply just state what everyone else is thinking, onto a piece of paper for the public to read.

- nsw 08/18 12:14 am

You left me mentally already
So just tell me
When are you going to leave me
Physically too?

- 04/22/19

When you realize that your only limitation is your imagination..
You become more capable of pushing yourself further
Taking the path that is the best for you and your future
With time you find, that it was the best **** realization you've ever made.