I'm not used to being treated with love, so forgive me if I am unexperienced.

You hurt me to the point where I began to feel numb.
God had risen up and shown me plenty of signs but I ignored them all because I wanted you.
I passed through all of the pain and all of the nights crying myself to sleep wondering how you felt about me.
I loved you more and more everyday, I sacrificed things for you, I was genuinely here for you.
You led me on with no remorse, you didn't even bother to come back and check up on me.
I told you my past, I explained how I was afraid, I opened up and showed you my pain..and all you did was reenact my torture
So forgive me if I act like you are a stranger, and forgive me if I treat you as if I never wanted you
That is how you know that you hurt me to my core, and the worst of it all, was that it was unexpected.
..you were the one that told me to expect the unexpected.

Every night I lay on my bed, ready to fall asleep
I have conversations with you, about my dreams
Others might think I'm crazy, maybe I'm hallucinating
But I can see you, and I speak to you.

Though you're dead, you're still alive in my dreams
Please stay with me forever, I need you with me always
I miss you more than anything
And when this life comes to an end,
I know you'll be up in the heavens waiting for me
Having a seat with my name on it
Right next to yours, dad.

Living every single day without you is a drag
I constantly have to force myself to be social
Because that's what you would have wanted
You would want me to be okay, and to thrive
Every single day I sit here and pray
Pray for our wellbeing, pray for you, pray for me
But how am I supposed to do so..
When my mentor was the one to teach me?
You were there for not even half of my story.. 12 years.
Which I'm grateful for but.. I need you.
Every single day I cry my tears and stray away from my faith
I need my mentor
I need my bestfriend
I need my father.

Never will I ever not wish you well
Never will I ever not pray for you
Never will I ever do anything that will hurt you
Destroying the peace of my mind
Destroying the peace of my dignity
Destroying the peace of my soul
You are constantly in my prayers
You are the biggest blessing I've ever had
You are the one to teach me everything, the reason for my success
I love you
I miss you
I need you

Have you ever loved someone?
Grew up with them..got used to their presence
Took things for granted and..
One day they became vanished from your world
As if they were never there to begin with?

& I don't mean a romantic lover..
Someone with the resemblance of faith
I mean someone you would look up to.. like a mentor.
Someone with the visage of joy
My father.

I dreaded this day for the longest.
Subconsciously the fear of having to live through the tenth of march haunted me for months
It began effecting my grades, my goals, my motivation
Everyday I reminisce on the past
On those I love and care for
How I've taken many things for granted,
And just as quickly as they came..
Those blessings vanished.

My father passed away on the tenth of march
Many people ask me 'why'
Excellent question.. that I don't know the answer to
Maybe it's just God's will.. and he knows best
But still..

My father passed away on the tenth of march
The year of twenty fourteen
In a mosque nearby
After he had cleansed himself by wudu
Getting ready for the afternoon prayer

My father passed away on the tenth of march
With all these blessings surrounding him
Which occurred the week of spring break
As each year passes, still destroying me slowly
The traumatic aura revolving in the air haunts me

I miss him.

I'm going to give you some advice
You've probably heard it before but thank me later.

Never take your parents for granted
They are your backbones, your juices of joy
They love you more than you can imagine
Yes, you may argue, you may have bruises here and there
But look deeper into your thoughts
And see how they want to build you
Your parents only want to grow you instead of destroy you
Yet us, being immature and acting grown, see it differently
We feel as if they are holding us.. in this cell of depression
When in reality, it's us.
We believe so hard that our parents are out to get us
The only choice of escaping is suicide
Or at least that's what I thought
Now look, it's the sixth year of my fathers death anniversary
& I promise you, each and every day I regret my actions
I regret how I never became closer with my father
I regret some things I used to say
I regret letting my ego and pride get in the way of my family

Don't be like me.

The rose that is engraved onto my body
I did it for you, in honor of you
How from afar this flower is so beautiful yet..
Up close you see the prickles and thorns that have been sacrificed within the hidden pain beneath the beauty
You are the reason I wake up every single day
And push myself a step further.. and further.
The moment my eyes awaken each new day..
Is distress on my mind from being beaten before
I am afraid of myself but dad..
You taught me to be a whole different person
That the woman I have grown into today..
Is a strong, faithful, and kind woman
You are a blessing deddy
I know I missed out on saying this before..
But you will always be in my heart.

You are the one I do everything for
I miss you more and more as the time changes
And as everyone forgets who you were,
I still sit here and reminisce each and every memory of us
I love you more than anyone in this world could have
I was your little princess, and you left me
But just save a seat for me please, I'm coming soon.

Given the day that is today..
I will make it as joyous as possible
Because this is something that should be celebrated.
You aren't in pain anymore, you're finally free
Sometimes I wish you were here with me
But.. I realize that you are eternally happy
And that's all I ever wanted

Each day is a struggle dragging myself out of my sheets
But I do it for you
I miss your humor, your presence
You were the light that filled every room with beauty
Someone that would help others despise what was going on with yourself
I remember you asking me one day, what I wanted to be when I grew older and well..
Dad my honest answer is, I want to be just like you.
I look up to you, and most importantly, I love you.

i'm typically good with words
i can place them together
to create something similar to when
you wake up at dawn and see the
beautiful different colors all throughout the sky
while standing in the middle
of a dense forest

i'm typically good with words
i've strung plenty together about you
but i'm getting to the point where
the letters slowly disappear from my mind
and suddenly i'm at a loss of words
it's like this lost frame
being snatched away
from my own mind

you've taken my vocabulary
and mixed it all together
stealing loves and hearts
and plenty of thoughts
replaced with nights
and virtual days
thinking what it would be like
to finally be at peace with you again
with your head on my chest
hearing my heart beat

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
I have not done anything throughout the whole day
Maybe it's the depression
I feel as if I have these weights placed onto my chest
And each night when I hit my bed they begin to get removed
Each morning they are replaced cyclically
I need to get out of this state
It's like I'm confined into this mentality
My thoughts have become clouds and my words have become swords
My brain is suffering systematically
My communication has caught ropes and my energy has been strapped its peace

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
But I have not done anything all day
Maybe it's the depression.

It is now 12 am
I used to be asleep by 9..maybe 10.
Lately my thoughts have clouded my mind
My emotions have puzzled my body
I began to sleep throughout the day
Write poems and suffer through tears throughout the night
I don't feel like myself..
Maybe it's just a temporary suspicion
I reminisce and realize that..
I have been searching for her.. she is lost
I look both sides and beg you to please help me.
I lost me.

Lots of time has passed..
My mind has become clear
I feel refreshed and energized
But one thing that stays in my mind daily
Is how untrustworthy everyone is
How others can love you to your face
But be plotting behind your back
The ones you are closest to,
Hurt you the deepest

I've come to the realization that I found myself, and I can only trust myself. Everyone is on their own journey, with every man to himself, so who am I to expect they'll treat me with same respect?

Four is the number of death
My father passed on the fourth hour
In the year of 2014
The third month and the tenth day
His six years is creeping through
Waiting to open the door and haunt me for months
Specifically about four
Because I recall the fourth anniversary
Being the day of my death
I haven't felt alive since.
I promise you
Four is the number of death.

4:46 am and I feel like time is escaping me
The world is disabling me
My exponential growth
Is containing the beast inside of me

4:46 am and I'm laying here wondering if it is all worth it
Will things really get better
Or is that just a phrase
To shut those battling inner fights up

4:46 am and I just got slapped with a small "it will get better"
And a tight "just have hope"
You told a depressed one something that seems
So simple to say
But so hard to do
In terms that'll make me seem okay
*******

- 03/12/19

My personality undershadows my deen, my beliefs
And that's when I figured that all is forgiven and that I am unshaken
I am giving my poetry my all, I'm being vulnerable
Something that not only am I not comfortable with
But not in favor of
I don't even feel like my body is controlling me
Like I'm some sort of doll
Getting tossed around to meet high expectations
Of individuals I do not care for
Of distance I didn't request for
Of advice I didn't beg for
I need things given to me because I'm simply afraid to ask
I am in pain and reign
Only needing to be tamed
And to be put out of my fame
I don't want anyone to know me..
I want to remain a mystique in reality
My individuality has torn me down systematically
Or maybe I am mistaken
Because this is my time.

When I was younger.. there was a part of me
Who used to see broken glass and holes in walls
Growing up, I had all this rage
With no outlet or control
I realized as I had grown
That all this came from what I used to see
The daily abuse, arguments, and accusations
Things no child should be near
It caused me to grow up with this anger
Channeling it towards those who don't care for me
I acted out of neglection
As an addictive obsession
Wondering who would come and save me

- 12/05/19

12 years old, the age of curiosity
The age of tenderness, affection, and joy
Getting grown now
This is when you're told that life is not a toy.

You think you're so old
Until tragedy hits you
Suddenly you don't feel so bold
You're aweary, restrained, suffocating
And life is cold
You feel as if you're just going to fold

You grow older, 13,14,15,16,17.
You hit 18.
You realize life is just an anomaly
Everyone around you is a stranger
And the saddest part is,
You are your own stranger.

You spend years looking for yourself,
But have you tried looking for oneself
Through things besides media?
Besides games, besides education and people
Who don't care about you
Who don't love you
Who don't want you

You flip the switch
You try your best
Life took its toll
Now you're here.
You're in the moment.
But within a second
That moment is gone

And suddenly you're on your own.
Just like the day you were born
All alone.
You hear the horn
And now your life has ended

You wasted your time looking for things
You realize that those things didn't do you any good
You cling onto your life .. what you have left
But it's too late now
Ya Allah
Save me from the hellfire

I took my own life for those that I truly admire.

- 10/13/18

I feel.. free.
Freedom that is abnormal and feels odd
This is an unknown reality to me
I am discerned yet joyous
I am moving past this destructive catastrophe

You want me to suffer, and you want me in pain
But.. you see..
I'm back to being me
I missed her and now I am she
You can sit here and disagree
Say that you had a bigger impact
That I'm still not let free

Deep down though..
We both know..
Even if you don't, I still adore me.

This year is full of constant changes. New feelings and experiences, I will get hurt and I will be happy, it is life and I realize that. I forgive myself for my mistakes of this past year, and I forgive those who have hurt me as well. This new year will be fresh, and without any grudges, I am releasing my past from my mind. I am proud of the person that I have become, and I am ready to move on without any mental damages, and any shackled conversations or uncomfortable feelings. I know what I deserve and I will get what I deserve. This year forward, everything is about me, and only me. My future, my joy. Affirmations.

Scared for what life has in store for me
Just one peep at the future
Giving me so much motivation
I'm tired
Of being the disappointment of everyone
Sometimes I want to end it all
Because I do not know how much more I can take
I love me
But it feels like nobody else does
So why waste my own energy

- 03/30/19

Last night I had a dream
..It was more of a message
A letter from my father
I haven't seen him in years
His voice was unknown
But hearing this note
And seeing his visage of joy
It took away all of my fears
But brought me my fate
You see.. my father passed away
Just about six years ago
But in that vision he was full of life
It was like he arose from the deathbed
Soon I woke up
And the only thing I could say
Was alhamdulilah

- 12/12/19

Lately it's been like I've been stuck in this hole
Drowned in depression
Filled with anxiety
My presence resembles a balloon
Busted by pain
Pulled by responsibilities
Sometimes it feels like everyone is out to get me
But I sit back and realize
God is on my side.

- 12/12/19

I was abandoned
Betrayed
Kidnapped
From my own self

Unknown
A mistaken reality
Lack of me
A stranger to my own self

- 03/25/19

I feel
Lonely
Even though I'm surrounded by plenty
Who claim they're here for me

I feel
Shaken into my bone
Please take me home
Back to the old me
The person I used to be

I feel
Ashamed
Of myself
Of who I let take over me
How my emotions alternate

It feels
As if
When the sun becomes the moon
My happiness switches to loneliness
And I lose myself

-  04/20/2019

It would be a beautiful sight when we realize that racism is the deep root of chaos. Supporting individuality and freedom, off the chains of those trying to oppress us. When we greet one another with open arms, the world would be bliss.

It would be a beautiful sight when the police, a group made solely to protect its citizens regardless of gender or race, do what they were trained for without the disdain and mockery. An organization that every person can rely on in a time of need, instead of the constant triggers every time a they pass by.

It would be a beautiful sight when every person is joined together in unity and treated with equality, the end of systemic racism. Those fighting different battles come as a team, and assist one another. Nobody is more privileged, and everyone is granted with the same opportunities.

It would be a beautiful sight when women will be able to walk freely without the terrifying anxiety of being assaulted. We have our own mothers, our own sisters.. how could we not provide them safety without a male presence?

It would be a beautiful sight when religions do not see other ones as threats, but a difference in beliefs. When we respect one another and their faith, rather than position one superior over the others. We deserve to have our own customs without the fear of constant outside judgement and disapproval.

It would be a beautiful sight to see families reunited, children taken out of detention camps. When other countries come to America for opportunity, they get the help that is needed, rather than being driven away. A society where everyone is there to not only support, but provide resources.

We were placed onto this Earth to love one another, to care for one another. A world free from hate and oppression would be a world full of love and harmony.

Everytime I close my eyes I see my beauty mark..
Not the beauty portrayed on the outside
Nor the one that can be snatched easily with depression and anxiety
But my beauty is shown within my words
The way I communicate my emotions with a notepad and a puzzled mind
Others might say the beauty comes from my body
Or maybe just because I'm pretty
But my looks do not define me
My beauty is shown through my talent
I am underrated and determined
I communicate my emotions with a soft heart and some paper
You cannot define me.

Between the seabreeze and the horizon
Between the mountains and the skyscrapers
Between sunrise and sunset
I will always be with you.

- 02/22/19

Life works in amusing ways
How the rich get more aid than the poor
How the boys are told to "man up"
The girls being ordered to "stand down"
How the women can't suffice with their own independency
Men not being able to cope with traumatic emotions
Soon it becomes an addictive normality
You gaze and begin to wander
Will you become what is expected of you?
Or will you put yourself to an elevated standard
Suffer the consequences now only to alter the system later

We can't let humanity define us.

Me and You
A small little melody
Of joy and warmth
Happiness and growth
I love you
You love me
How much better could things be

- 11/30/19

I departed from my depression
I gaze at the world with an altered perspective
The sky is so blue.. the trees reflecting a vibrant green
The dark, beautiful red roses blossoming
The children playing amongst their friends
The beauty of little things
And the blessings given to me in this life
The sun is shining..
And at night when the moon rises.. I see the beauty
The charm of darkness not being embedded in between my feelings
This is the time where I realize
That I am not my emotions
I accept me, and I'm in love.

For years I've put my emotions to the side for the sake of my mother.
For years I've dealt with the annoyance, the disrespect, the pain that you've caused me.
For years I've put you and your feelings over my own, just because I know you've been through a lot.
But let me make it clear with you.. you took advantage of me and my kindness.
Just because you have been through pain since early on in this life doesn't mean you get to disrespect everyone around you.
Your ego is extremely high and you believe that everyone is beneath you.
Not to mention, you brought your wife into this home.. let her think that she has authority over all of us.. as if we even need either of you
Well heads up, nobody owes you anything.
I cannot wait until the both of you move out of this home
Because if it's not you two soon, it's definitely going to be me.
I'm beginning to put myself over others for the first time now
And I could care less about my absence causing pain on anyone
Because none of you were appreciated with my presence.
Just because I was born and raised near you
Just because we have the same parents
Just because we may share the same blood,
Doesn't make you my brother.
You've caused me a great deal of pain, more sadness than anybody in my life has.. and trust me when I say that means way too much
Considering I've been through countless adversities and traumatic moments with others.. more than you can imagine.
You're the reason I've attempted suicide many times.. and the reason I used to go deeper with my cuts towards my own skin.
I've hidden these words in the back of my heart for years but you have passed my line of tolerated disrespect.
You've lost me not only as a sister,
But as someone who used to care for you.
Now wake up before you lose everyone else too.

I lay down
I wonder what I have done to deserve this
It seems with every positive there comes three negatives
One step forward and a million steps back
Will life always be like this
I question my worth often
I've lost my faith
My hope has been demolished
The candle is still burning
The light to guide through the tunnel
And that is all I have

- 02/22/19

Even though we were connected within such little time
And I shouldn't have trusted you so fully
I still did.. I still treated you as my royalty
You went behind my back.. actually
You went behind HER back.. and destroyed my peace of mind
I was doing good before I met you..
I will still always be doing good..
But just know,
You came into my life at a time where I am attained to self-growth
I am cherished in self-love
I could give one less **** about you anymore
It's her I'm worried about.

The world is attempting to cleanse me
But how would that work when
The world is in need of cleansing itself?

Each and every person is in need of improvement
How does anybody look at one another
And have the audacity to make judgements?

We are all in pain, no matter how wealthy you are
No matter the house you live in
No matter who you're surrounded by
We are all healing
Now what kind of world would be in
If we couldn't support one another?

Like the soul leaving a body
The body buried alive
It wasn't my choice
Not up to me
I'm just the body in the bag

Never having control over myself
You try to make me dependent on you
But despite all the "love" you have
You gave up on me too

Controlled.

- 03/25/19

Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, and wonder where you belong in this world?
In a way where you feel like your purpose has not been found and that time is escaping you quickly?
Where everyone around you is dropping like flies at such a young age and you feel as if it could be so easy for you to be next?
Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, and think to yourself how you have taken steps towards your goals, and sometimes doubt that it will even matter in the end?
If today was the day that you got put to rest, would there be waves of loved ones behind you in tears, or are they just acquaintances with a guilty heart?
Do you ever sit in the corner of your room, force yourself to get back up and continue to reach towards what you desire out of this world, even with the lack of motivation and laziness you have been drowning in?
I wish I could do the same.
Pain and fear has immobilized me from leaving the corner of my room.

- nsw 03/15/22

There is a beauty in every curse
And a curse in each beauty
No matter how kindhearted, loved, honorable you may be
There will always be someone who harms you
Takes advantage of you.. destroys you
And that's just the beauty
Building your character and personality
So where's the curse?
Well let me tell you..
Your actions. Your words.
The curse is how you respond.

Sometimes I feel like my mind is corrupting
Constant thoughts being hidden
Behind the surface of my driven smile
Drained from the manipulation by my peers
The continual run-throughs over my beautiful heart
Maybe I just need to recognize the individuals I am in contact with
See through their half-assed efforts
Steer myself away from their egotistical thoughts
My mind is simply distorted
But not because of self-corruption, but more
Because of deception and persistent pain
Needing to be recognized for my efforts
My worth, my power
Soon my mind will be in its golden form
Healed from the core
& that is when I will become truly unstoppable.

- nsw 08/17 11:46 pm

I don't know what's wrong with me
I am stuck in this storm of thoughts
I am drowning in pain and fear
I can't stand to look at your face
Or hear your voice
It hurts me to look at your picture
Even after six years
You are still on my mind every single day
But why did you have to leave me?

- 12/03/19

My heart breaks every single time I try to imagine the sound of your voice and I'm not able to.
My eyes begin drowning with tears when I try to remember the way you look, the way I was treated by you.
My body begins to internally collapse when I realize that you were a prominent character in my life, in my story.
My rose began to die, the same day you did.

As time passes by, as the days get longer and my patience falls short
I understand why..
Why I fall for you harder, each and everyday
I am in love with your personality, your actuality
How in difficult times, you promise yourself
To be there for your own self before anybody else
I am in love with your mindset, and the truth stained behind it
How in times where you doubt yourself, and where you might lessen your spirituality..
You choose the path of growth, while taking a step back
To gaze at the bigger picture.
I am in love with the way you pay attention
The way you observe and memorize my daily routines
How you analyze your thoughts and communicate in a respectful manner
How any slight switch of attitude can show you that I'm not okay
Or the way you listen closely to my expressive emotions
How after we're finished making love..
You caress my body with your fingers and bring me closer
These little things TJ, you might think that I don't notice
But in reality, each moment I spend with you I fall harder for you
Just know that I'm always praying for you
Because Lord knows I did not want to be in a relationship before I met you.

I gave 9 months to you.
You led me on, told me you wanted to be with me, and all of that was a lie.
The worst part of it all was that I had to pull your true feelings out of you.
You were someone I really trusted, and really loved
It hurts to look back and relive our memories, and realize that half the times we were even together, you felt unsure about me.
It hurts to hear that you already moved on a couple of days after we were done.
It hurts to know that you are completely happy without me, and that I did not even leave any dent in your life.
It hurts to feel like I was so useless to you, and that you could not even reassure me otherwise.
It hurts, because I expected so much out of you.
You acted like you were such a grown man, who is a great communicator, but in reality..
You're one of the most childish mentality than I've ever met in a person.

Words can't express how blessed I am
To have someone as beautifully minded
As easily trusted, loving and caring
As you.
Only actions and time will express my true emotions for you
But just know
Through thick and thin, no matter what occurs
I will be here, right by your side
Always.
As your lover.

Your beauty amazes my mind.. your soul astounds my body
Everything about you.. is what I have been praying for this entire time
Where have you been my whole life?
I've been drowning in toxic relationships
Following the wrong paths
Searching above and below for someone to love me the way that you do
Without any complications or owed dues..
Listen, I don't know where you came from
Anyone who has loved you before me, I want to thank them
For helping shape you into the person you are today
But from here on out, you're mine to love.
I don't mean just for a few months.. I mean for as long as life keeps us together
I am going to bring plenty of joy into your world
Support you following your dreams, and hold you accountable
This right here.. will be a healthy relationship.
A rose being caressed by a feather.

Every time I gaze into your eyes.. I see your beauty
The presence you hold is intimidating, but I see through you
I know the real you.
I vision your kind soul passing your love and guidance along to me
I vision your mistakes causing issues, yet you push yourself through the disturbances
Your adherence to my soul tricks me into thinking you're secretly trying to play me
Maybe because that's how I was treated before
But this is new.. this is strange
I take one step closer, and dive deeper
Fall for your flaws, fall for your presence
I fall for you
My mind wants me to distance
But my heart wants to be intertwined with yours
It's about time I stop letting my thoughts control me
And let my emotions lead the way
I'm going to love you.

I'm tired of my mind constantly pulling away from you
My heart knows what it wants yet I strain myself
Into this headache of pain and discomfort
I am embedded in between my thoughts and wander if I will ever get past this state
Unconsciously hurting and healing at the same time
Constantly ponder at the thought that
What if you're here to destroy my peace?
Or maybe you're in my life as a blessing..
See that's my problem.. I overthink the future
I am afraid of becoming vulnerable with someone
Just for it to end and us become strangers again..
That's why I pull myself apart from you
I care about you, and I'm beginning to love you
I just don't want to hurt you.

Because I'm very hurt deep inside
I feel as if.. hurting me will reflect back to you
Because that's how I am
I put others before me.