The things you do not share when you are dating someone new.

From my perspective.

When I begin dating someone new, my guard is built so high
You would need about 12 ladders just to grab the bottom
I may be transparent through my poetry, but with people that I am not completely comfortable with
It takes time.
You do not share true personal information.
You always begin to ask yourself and take notes on the little things, before you push deeper into your vulnerability.
You must always be cautious because we, as women, should expect the least out of most men.
We've been left, *****, sexually assaulted, and thrown in the dust from those we've cared for.
So when you begin dating someone new, make sure you understand them, and are aware of the intentions.

February 16th, 2020
This was the day we first met, the day that this all began
Though neither of us knew it at the time,
I had a feeling you were going to be someone special in my life.
The way you spoke, with such a soft tone
The feeling I had when I was next to you, like I was safe
The conversations we had, and not to mention the connection.
It was two days after Valentines, on a Sunday, around 10 at night.
I remember these details, because they are special to me.
I don't understand how I can recall these little things, but it is a blessing.
You are special to me.
I never knew I wanted you deeper than your **** inside of me.
I never knew I wanted your full heart instead of just your *****
I never knew I was starting to fall for you.
Things had become clearer the second night we had met
I was constantly forcing myself out of those thoughts
The thoughts like "what if we were together"
Or "**** I kinda like this man"
I was immediately pulling myself out of these discussions that were being placed back in forth in my mind
Because what if you hadn't felt the same
And I was just placing myself into a position..
Where I was going to get hurt?

Little did I know.. that me expressing my feelings towards you, to you..
Would bring me this joyous little relationship that we have going
Little did I know.. that meeting you on the 16th of February, would cause us to become closer
Little did I know.. that I would start falling in love with you.

...If they took my voice

If they snatched my voice, my actions would speak
My heart would pull through, my body would express itself
They cannot cover my message,
Because my body asserts me too
And nobody can take that away
Even though some of these men try to.

When we're together, I feel like I'm at home
As you've probably heard and you will continue to.
The connection we've had since the beginning
Is something I've never stumbled upon
That is why I call you such a blessing
The time I needed someone like you the most.. you came
When I was needing to be pushed with my poetic talent
When I was needing someone who understands me
Someone who listens to me.. doesn't give up on me.. you came.
You are truly a big blessing in my life and I am never going to deny it
God placed you into my life while I was searching for someone like you subconsciously
And each and every day I'm more thankful.
I've grown more within these past two months than I've grown in some years
And that's only because I got everything I had been begging for, for years.
So I'll say this over and over again
Until it gets engraved into your brain.
Thank you.

"What's at the end of the rainbow?"

Let me give you my response..

At the end of the rainbow is my prosperity.
The happiness I have been yearning for, for years
The pain I have been put through, it's only right to end with joy

At the end of the rainbow is my future
The amount of work I've put in, just to be successful
The traumatic experiences I've gone through, it's only right to end smoothly

At the end of the rainbow is true love
The effort I would give in, that was never reciprocated
The pain these men have caused me, it's only right to be deeply loved by the right man

At the end of the rainbow is the new me
The old me is left behind, stuck in the past
I do not want her nor do I associate with her, it's only right to start over

At the end of the rainbow is everything I have been searching for, for years.. and I'm ready to obtain it all now.

When I look into your eyes I see your promises
The ones that you have kept in your mind, but have never said out loud.
I see you tell yourself that you never want to hurt me, and that you want to love me.
I see that you're afraid but deep down, you trust me.
Though it's something you might not want to admit, or maybe it's something you don't realize yourself -
I see through you
How do you think I fell for you?
How do you think I really trust you?
I know you -

When I look into your eyes I see a man that wants to give me all of his love
But is being held back by boundaries of distance
Guards held up, fears soaring through your mind
But I view that each day, you fall harder for me
I notice that each day, you want me more and more
Each and every single day, you'll be here to stay.
I look into your eyes and I see a soft feather caressing a bruised rose
I look into your eyes and I'm sure that a great artist has dipped her brush into your soul, and used it to bring us together
Lastly, when I look into your eyes, I see a million stars up in the sky, and I see your love for me peaking through.
I spent my days waiting for someone exactly like you.

Confusion surrounds my mind at all times
I'm constantly in thought, asking questions that nobody knows the answers to
Being curious about socially taboo topics.
Now let me ask you -

Why are we so cruel to one another?
Why do we look at one human being and expect one thing, yet face a whole other with lowered expectations?
Why is the bar set so high for certain people, yet for others it's **** near on the ground?
Why is the education system such a failure, especially for those who are needing to learn?
Why do the rich get more aid from the government, rather than those who are suffering in poverty?
Why are there men and women that cannot control their own hormones, placing themselves in human beings that do not want to be ****** with them.. out in the streets?
Why are there 'offenders' locked up for having psychedelics but there are known rapists roaming the streets with provided evidence?
Why are Caucasians not seen as criminals, being shown as having mental illnesses but African Americans are being shot for taking a stroll with a hoodie on?
Matter of fact why is racism so prominent in this age.. this generation, where we have been known to overcome our past differences?
Why are muslims being seen as terrorists when the biggest terrorist known to mankind is the white man?
Why are immigrants being spread apart from their families, just for trying to search for a better opportunity in a new country?

Let me make this clear with all of you..
But this isn't even half of what I'm confused about.

It's your heart that gets me every time
The way you are so soft spoken
Intelligent
Kind
Loving
Honest.
I could go on and on about your characteristics and what makes you, you.
But let's talk about the things I love the most about you.
Yes I love your personality, but even more than that..
I'm in love with your motivation
I'm in love with you having your own goals, and each present day you push yourself even just an inch closer
You are determined in being successful
I believe in you, I support you
But baby most of all, I'm so ******* proud of you.
I want to be surrounded by you.

The age of becoming legal
The age where you have become an adult
Congratulations, you're now able to vote.
Wow, you have your own life now.
Parents don't need to be with you anymore
All the help you "had" before is now down the drain
And you are alone.

The age of independency
The age of where you don't need to be attached to anybody
Congratulations, you're grown.
Wow, you don't need those parental figures anymore
Your mentors from the past now assume you'll be just fine
All the years ahead that you are going to suffer
And you are all alone.

Sometimes I just wonder why I'm giving you my heart
I wonder how in the hell did this all even start
I wonder how we're together
Yet we're so far apart.
Sometimes I just wonder.
I'm attached to your soul
I'm intrigued by your mindset
I'm in love with your personality
& I'm safe in your arms.
Your presence makes me feel complete, and you are my best friend.
Though I was fine before I met you
I'm even better now that I have you
And I'm ready to see us grow as time passes us.

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of myself
To understand myself at all times mentally
To be okay physically
And quit fearing from my own self emotionally.

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of myself
Before I try to provide aid to someone else
To help my own self through the toughest times
Instead of acting like I'm just fine for the satisfaction of others

What's your emergency?
Mine is to take care of those around me
And make sure everything is okay with them
Not to let them suffer while I don't know about it
To provide everyone I care for with love
And attachment.

So answer me this..
What's your emergency?

You are my feather.
The soft, gentle heart that has been placed into my life
Only to help me grow and bring me relief
I feel calm, safe, loved when I'm around you
When I'm talking to you, when I'm thinking of you.
I believe that all our lives
We're subconsciously looking for home
And if we're really lucky..
We find it in someone's loving arms.
I guess I got lucky with you..

An apology that I will never receive, but I wish I did.

This goes for many people..
The family members I had grown with who abused me mentally
The boys who thought it was okay to touch me, take me without my consent
The men that were in my past that would abuse me, manipulate me
Myself.. for hating me.

My mother would always call me a burden, a pain in the ***
The reason my father passed
Because I caused him too much stress
My brothers would beat me mentally over small issues, any instances where I hadn't fallen into their path

The boys that treated me so brutally
Beating me, ****** me, leaving me
The boys who thought it was just fine to get hard
While I'm suffering and hurting
While I was stuck in pain, trying to escape

The men that would fake attempt suicide, just to **** up with me another time
A fourth time.. a fifth time.. sixth time..
The men that would constantly push me further and further towards the edge
Yet when I was about to leave, they'd regret their actions and pull me back to them

Myself.. for my putting my own self into situations that would only cause me more pain
Myself.. for hurting my own self and disregarding my own emotions just for the satisfaction of others
Myself.. for not knowing my worth and disrespecting my own self by going back to everything that hurt me
Myself.. for not being there for me.

There's a stream that is flowing through my heart
With your blood running through instead of mine
And I don't mean this in a dependent way
I mean this in a way.. where.. you made life a whole lot better for me.

There's a stream that is flowing through my brain
With thoughts of you constantly running through
And I don't mean this in an odd manner
I mean.. where you're always on my mind, because you're mine.

There's a stream that is flowing through my soul
With your actions attached and running through
The way that you treat me is engraved into my body
Engraved to my soul.

From now on, whether we're together in the future or not,
I know how a man should treat me, and you've shown me that
You are an actual work of art
And I'm auctioning a part myself to you

I hope that you are mine for the rest of our lives
I was complete before I met you,
But you have filled my life with color
And to go on without you, would just be black and white
With shades of grey.

It's because we're so alike, like twin souls
Together in the past life, reunited in this one
You will carry my heart one day, and I trust you
Anytime I'm with you, I'm home.

The things I have left behind, are the characteristics of my past self
The toxicity, the pain, the anger
The rage that was constantly staked into my heart
The despair of the baggage I had left upon my peers
The hate I had in my heart for my own self.
I never knew how terrible things were until I got to a better state mentally
So as soon as I was able to, I left my past self behind
And I grew into this new girl
With love in her heart towards everyone surrounding her
And even better..
Love for her own self.
The hate and anger was replaced by positivity and joy.

I remember the first time we had met.
The first time we laid eyes on each other as you were on the way to my home
How I had felt so nervous, but excited
I remember I didn't want more than a small fling
Couple of pleasure runs then we're both on our way to a different path
..Well that was before

When you came, sitting right in front of me
Talking about all sorts of creative topics that we were both passionate about
Music, poetry, art, trauma, etc.
It felt as if I've told you before
It felt.. natural
Normally I don't express any vulnerability but with you..it was like I was calling home.
Later that night, we had gotten our pleasure and you spent the night
Even then, it felt beautiful, and I was safe in your arms.

In the morning I had awaken to you getting out of the bed, and you took a shower in my home
Something so simple yet.. it felt natural.. like home.
I remember the vision of you in the shower while I was brushing my teeth and how we were so comfortable with one another, just after the first day we had met.
You had waited for me to get ready, so we could both leave around the same time
And I knew you were special.

From that day on, I knew you were the person I wanted
Though I hesitated, I was catching feelings for you more and more as we kept spending time together
Just being in your presence made me instantly joyous.
I wish we could relive that day all over again, but I'm more than excited for the future.
You are my person.

I cannot even put into words how happy I have been
It's like the dream I've had since I was a child.. I achieved it
I made it, what I wanted to be
An artist
An author
A poet
Many talented traits all in one
And from here on, it only goes up
I will continue to thrive and surround myself in positive environments
Push away those that hurt my heart and made me suffer
I am proud of myself and my accomplishments
But listen here,
I'm not done yet
This is just the beginning.

You have been my biggest supporter and I know you will continue to be
I want to show you how much you mean to me
You are a special human being that has entered my life
And I've noticed since just about the first day
Your arms bring me comfort
Your words bring me reassurance
Your actions bring me joy
Life is so good right now,
Now close your eyes and imagine
Imagine how it is going to be in 6 months
When we'll be together however much we would like
I love being yours
Now imagine when it'll become official
I'm going to keep you happy love
I am going to support you
I'm going to have the same effect on you, as you have on me.

My work is now published and being sold
I couldn't be more ecstatic
Buy it if you'd like
"Scarlet Rose and Growth" on Amazon

I am so afraid of messing up with you
I feel like one wrong step could drop everything between us
I am scared of pain, of getting hurt
Yet over the month and a half that we have been getting to know one another
That fear is slowly fading away, and my wall towards you has been broken down completely
Though I still have small instances here and there
Where I constantly worry about the wrong things
Rather than listen to your words of reassurance
I am glad that you understand me, because you **** near read me
I am blessed to have someone that I can actually trust with just about anything
And though I may still doubt myself, your words of reassurance is what catches me
You are my biggest supporter, and I am yours.
I am so proud of you TJ.

Today was the day I got the first official copy of my book
I'm overjoyed and in denial
The thoughts I have thrown onto paper
The years I've spent in misery and pain
All is in this one book, that is now about to be published.
I am in joy but I am more nervous
Why am I afraid of vulnerability when
My pain, my hurt could be treasure to heal
The way I lay my words, and understand my own emotions
I know others will like this book
I am more than excited for it to be on sale..
Scarlet Rose & Growth

I often sit and wonder
How it happened...you and I
We could have stayed as strangers,
As people with no intentions in becoming together
But something sparked in between us
A connection was brought to our attention
And it happened...you and I.
Whenever we are together.. I feel like I am at peace
It feels as if, I found my home.
You are my person.
You have been the man that I have been dreaming of, anytime I thought about love
I found you, in an unusual way
But I found you.
Those love poems I used to drain my heart into,
You are the person they were about, even though I hadn't even known you at the time
Subconsciously I never knew that it would come to me this quickly, and happily.
Each time I tell you how blessed I am to have you it never seems like enough, and that's only because you truly are one of the biggest blessings I've had in a while, and I will treat you as such.
Don't ever doubt how much I care for you, and most importantly, how much I truly want you.
I will always go as far as I need to, just to show you.
You're a dream come true.

A day I wouldn't mind reliving, would be each consecutive weekend I would spend solely with my father
How each Saturday we would go watch the sunset and eat dinner at our favorite restaurants
How each Sunday would be our day where we would wake up early, and watch the sunrise together
Every single day that I had spent with my father, would be another day I want to relive
Every day that I've lived without, and continue to live without, is another day I want to dismiss.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself, and I easily begin to hate myself
Other times I believe deeply in my success, and I love myself
You always wonder why I constantly ask for your reassurance
Instead of waiting for you to provide it to me.
Well the truth is, my whole life I was never given these words
I've always had to ask for them, beg for them
I was never given a true "I'm proud"
Or a true "I love you"
It was always just a slap on the thigh to shut me up
Because no one has ever really appreciated me
So to those who give attention to me,
I need their words, I need their attention
I fall for reassurance, I fall for your words and your passion
It hurts me each time I feel proud of myself,
Yet no one around me is
For my whole life I was waiting for the approval of others to feel a way about myself
Yet you've showed me different.
You've showed me to be proud of myself regardless of whoever thinks,
And I just want to let you know that I'm still working on it.
I'm still trying to improve myself day by day.
I promise you I'm trying.

I write this with pain in my heart and my voice caught in my throat.
I often wonder why I never stand up for myself, why am I constantly pushed around?
By lovers, by family, by friends.
Am I the issue? I couldn't be.. I give my heart to everyone I meet
So maybe that's the problem.. I'm too kind
I'm too giving.. I'm too caring.
Why don't I put myself over others for once?
Why do I continously put myself into positions where I grieve over people who don't even think of me?
People who have never checked up on me, who don't care for me.
Why am I so kind and loving to the wrong people, yet afraid and nonchalant with those I should be treating with love?
I don't understand me, I don't understand why I do what I do
Why I am the way that I am
I wish that I was less loving to others, and there for myself more
Each day that passes, that I'm in this environment
Stuck with people who only care about me for the show of the community, rather than their own hearts
I feel like I am losing myself more and more
I feel like a disappointment, I feel like a burden
I feel like I'm in pain, I feel like I'm hurting
Sometimes I just feel that I could end it all
Be reunited with the only human that has ever loved me correctly,
My father. Of course he's dead though right.

For years I have been subconsciously searching for you in other people
For years I have been put through hell by just about everyone I've ever met
For years I have been up and down in these stages of my depression
I was finally at peace before I met you, I was happy with myself.
But you taught me that those other people that I was dealing with weren't right for me
Because though I might've been "happy" with them, after some time I would lose my own self to this so called emotion of love
I am still at peace with you, and it's been some time
My feelings have heightened and I will proudly say that I am in love with you
And if you do not feel the same just yet, know that you are not rushed, and I am here whenever you are
You've watered the seed that was placed deep inside of me, and helped me grow into this beautiful soul that will only keep growing.
You are the feather to my rose and though that might not make sense to you,
To me.. the combination of a feather and a rose would be the least expected of them all
Yet look at us, happy and beautiful
I'm ready for you but most of all
I just want to say thank you, for everything you have done.
It's difficult for your mind to be around someone who has been slowly getting back into depression, yet you're still here.
You're still helping me without hurting yourself
You still push me further each and every day and I am safe to say I wouldn't be as far as I am at the moment if it weren't for you
So thank you. You really are the next biggest blessing of mine and I'm ready to have you.

Why am I always being doubted
Seems like for years I have been trying to redeem myself
Impress others by becoming my best self
Be proud of my own self, yet it seems like nothing works
To everyone I am a disappointment, a burden
And I am always going to be.
No matter how many times you may tell me that it's not true
Or that I'm a blessing, an angel.. I won't believe it.
I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of this cruelty of life
For years I have been searching for happiness, for years I was searching for my identity
I thought I found myself only to just lose myself again, like this is some cycle.
I'm writing this poem with tears in my eyes and pain devoted in my heart
I am hurting, and I've been hurting for a while
Yet I keep my feelings hidden for the satisfaction of others.
Why am I always living for others?
Is it so hard to just live and not worry about anything
It's like my anxiety finds the smallest reasons to feast through my mind
Nibble through my brain and leaving my heart torn
I am in pain, emotionally
I am in pain, physically
& I am in a lot of pain, mentally.

It's come to the point where I have become practically obsessed with you
You're the only thing that stays running through my mind everyday
Your words are constantly being repeated into my ears with bliss
The image of you looking at me with love is engraved into the back of my eyes
Not to mention anytime I think about your ***** being inserted inside of me, I crave you
I want all of you, every little part.
From your head to your toes.
The beauties and the flaws, the hurt and the heal.
I don't know why I fell so hard for you
And why it happened so quickly.
I don't understand how something that was so simple
Ended up to be a complex series of happiness.
I need you in my life, and if we weren't to see this through..
Just like you said, I would definitely regret it too.

"You'll be okay"

1. A phrase to minimize the stories told to those battling inner fights, distancing from the tales of being caught in between the pain and negativity.

2. Lies that have resurfaced to the face of the earth, repeated to each other over.. and over.. and over again.

3. The meanings of raw feelings being hidden inside the tombs of depression.. and anxiety.

4. Words that are constantly spoken, to each and every person, becoming desensitized as many more times as it is told.

5. What if everything is not going to be okay, and we all lay around in pools of white lies that we make up our own selves.

6. How hard is it to tell someone that if they do not feel mentally stable, that there are hearts surrounding the circles of heavy thoughts and burdening emotions, sources available to assist one another.

7. These are words spoken to one another in any event, any situation. Just so others can say they had tried to help those that are stuck in their tedious minds, unraveling as the seconds pass by.

8. How those around us only care for the show, and never actually purely from the heart.

9. The cold feeling you get inside of your heart because you are numb to these expressions, a persistent train of thought that lingers in the back of your mind as a weight instead of a benefit.

10. If you speak of the simple term of being "okay" or "fine," then why do you sit in the corner of your room, yelling into the pillows and drowning your tears in tissues every single night?

Every single day you are on my mind
No.. even more than that.. it's like **** near every minute
There's always times where I am wondering what we would be doing if I was with you
How great of a time it would be if we were together all the time.
I reminisce on us before, and I miss it more each day.
I wish that I had spent more time with you and told you my feelings earlier
Rather than waiting till I was gone for a while.
Now every moment we have together in the future will not go to granted
I cannot wait until you're officially mine.
I miss you.

the spirals against my skin

words caught inside my throat

ability to remove pain altogether

guilt overbearing the heart endlessly

signs turned into wasted cries

the heart snatched from humanity

time is escaping us all

life is endangering my ability

just as I had thought

six feet into my heart

tempered into motions of sadness

I've given too much time

Snake bites on my skin

you gripped me with discomfort

The moment I come back to you, I will be overwhelmed with happiness
The minute I get to feel your touch, I will not let go of you
You will be getting all of me, as you already know by now
Well.. you already have all of me..
But when we see each other again
You will be triple locked in to this house of ours
No windows, no doors.. you're trapped
You're stuck with me
No matter how much I annoy you
No matter what issues we will go through within our relationship
We will solve it together and in private
Because you are for me, and I am for you.
You are not for your friend, and I am not for mine.
So with that being said,
I'm ready to face the joyous moments as well as the difficult times with you
I'm ready to be with you, and love you for as long as life lets us
You have taught me how I should have been treated since the beginning
The respect you have for me is noticed, and I am more than grateful to have you
I'm happy.

You put your ear to the ground and you listen to the suffering of the humans placed beneath us
How they are living in Hell.. warning us about the pain that is afflicted upon them
Telling us to fall onto the right path of life, so we do not end up in the same position
Warning us to get closer to God, and do right with your peers.

You put your ear to the ground and you hear the joy of the humans bestowed above us
How they are living in Heaven.. guiding us along the way
So we are not led astray by the nonbelievers, ending up exactly as them
Aiding us with our religion and spirituality.

You put your ear to the ground and you can vision the enjoyment and the beauty of life
How these moments are passing quickly, and we do not have enough
So quit worrying about the future
And live today.
In the present.

Your actions of affection are what caught my eyes physically
The warmth in your touch, as you are holding me
Pulling me closer to you as we are sleep
The way you awaken slowly with your eyes, and stare at me
With a beautiful smile on your face.
How any minute you may get to hug me, and love on me.. you do.
The kindness in your heart is what drew me emotionally
Your words of sentiment.. knowing you've gone through much in this life
Yet you keep a positive outlook on the future
The devotion staked into your heart.. is what I'm falling in love with
Yes, you are handsome
Yes, you are beautifully minded
Yes, you are motivated and passionate
But what brought me towards you, is your personality
Your soft heart, that wants to be loved
No matter how many times you deny it
You were searching for someone to love you and care for you, this whole time
Then I came around, not knowing the affect I would later have on you
Though this was unexpected..
I'm ready.

You're everything that I've been praying for.
Those nights that I spent drowning in my tears
For someone to treat me the way that you do
To love me the way that you do
Even though this came unexpected..
You still treated me with the most respect, a true gentleman.
I won't give up on you, I will fight for you
I can't wait to see what the future holds for the both of us.
God blessed me with you, and I am more than blessed to have you

I am in the fourth grade..
Excited for what joyous memories come ahead.
I'm ready for the traumatic experiences in my life.
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Though I'm in the fourth grade my mindset is well past those my age
I am excited for the nights out with my friends
I'm ready to be successful and rich
I just want to be all grown up, so I am not treated like a child anymore.
Being in the fourth grade..my teachers have taught me to slow down
Take things day by day, step by step, minute by minute
Because once this time is gone, I can't go back
I'm learning to take their advice, and I'm loving the fourth grade.

I want you to know something -
I love the way you express your feelings
Even though it takes a while for you to get there
I don't know if it's because you're scared
Or maybe it's because you just don't express emotions
But when you do, it makes my heart warm
Hearing your soothing voice in my ear, telling me what you love about me
Makes me feel loved and safe.

An ocean breeze
Swishing over the sunset
The sea welcomes me

I'm in love with the way you talk about your passion
How you are so invested in your music
Spending countless hours working on different songs
Adjusting them to perfection
I'm in love with the way you never doubt yourself
How you continuously say that you WILL be the best
I believe in you all the way
Supporting you alongside
I'm in love with you TJ
I'm in love with everything about you
How you constantly joke with things that should be taken serious
How you always put a smile to my face no matter what mood I'm in
I'm in love with you and I can't say it enough.

2 years ago, November 5th, 2017.
I was beaten and ***** by a man that I did not even know.
A man that thought it was okay to take my body, without my consent.
A man that thought it was okay to drug my drink, so I would be unconscious while he gets his pleasure.
A man that thought it was just fine to punch me, scratch me, hit my head against hard surfaces every time I would attempt to get away from him.
I still have scars remaining.

A few months ago, October 3rd, 2019.
I was sexually assaulted by a man that claimed he cared for me.
A man that thought it was okay to feel on me, against my will.
A man that thought it was okay to pull me closer, as I'm moving away.
A man that thought it was just fine to get angry when I would yell "no" and "stop".
I still have scars remaining.

Yet time after time, we blame the victim
Maybe it was what she/he was wearing.
Maybe it was how she/he was acting.
Maybe she/he deserved it, and it taught them a lesson.
This mentality is so close-minded, so toxic for the environment
Not only that, but it is completely disrespectful. Morally wrong.

This cycle will not stop without help and support for each other.
& To anyone else who has experienced something similar,
You are strong. This does not define you.
I love you.

Today is a new day, a new chapter with you
Each day I wake up with you on my mind
Your kind words, your soft looks
Feeling your gentle touch caressing the edge of my shoulder all the way down to my waist, through the path of my spine
I miss your presence, your appearance.
Each day I strive for a larger achievement, with you on my mind
Your motivation, your ambition
Your pleasant push reminding me daily, to reach the goals set in my heart
I miss your company, your attachment.
Each day you help me become a better person than the day before, and my heart is set on being with you.
Yesterday was a fantasy, a past epilogue of emotions
Today is a new day, a new chapter with you
Tomorrow is when reality hits, and the book ends
But as you once told me -
Let's live in the present for now.

I am in this room full of people, yet I feel so alone.
It seems like there are high expectations and judgments placed all around me
To be in a place meant to be overflowed with happiness, flipped upside down and viewed in a negative state.
To be among the crowds and be able to face the fear of their power
The ability to be able to weigh you down with just a single touch.
I am in this room full of people, who claim they care for me
Who constantly remind me that they're here for me,
Yet I feel so alone.
I feel like I am swarmed by this constant presence of hatred and disgust
I feel like a monster among my peers, destroying peace as it comes to my touch
I feel like I do not even know myself, so how am I supposed to sit here
And feel joyful in a room cramped with hundreds of strangers...
Including myself.

I am going to help you blossom into an even more beautiful and kindhearted man
I am here to support you no matter what adversities that you may face, no matter what obstacles stumble your path
I am the constant reminder in your life, that you will be not only just fine, but successful
I am going to be a positive light to your mental health, and provide you with joyous emotions
I am your lover, and will only treat you with the tender care you have been yearning for
I am someone who is never going to leave you when times get rough
And times will get rough..
Negative feelings may take over our hearts
But no matter what.. our love will never distance
We will not fall apart from each other
I am speaking this into existence
No matter who is around, you are the only one I want to be with
There will always be men that are fine, or smart
But none of them compare to you.. and our connection
You are the only man that I want.. forever
I am going to spoil you.

Mother -

Never did I know that today would be your last day to live.
Otherwise I would have put my pride aside and told you
Many things that I have never spoken of before
I wish I had one more day to spend with you -
I need you more than I need myself and now you're gone..
Well at least you're with dad now, where you always wanted to be
Rested in paradise with your lover.
I regret my past actions and hardened emotions towards you
I regret the tender care you provided me, that I always overlooked
I regret the pain that I have caused you, the heartache
But more importantly.. I regret not spending more time with you.
I hope to see you again one day, soon.
Please save a seat for me mom and dad, I love you both
I will make it up to you for the rest of my life
As well as the Hereafter.
You both are in my duas (prayers).

Thank you for being my candle through this tunnel of darkness
Things have been very depressing, I feel as if I have lost myself once again
You are the constant reminder that nobody can control me
You are the one who motivates me to accomplish more than I did the day before
You have helped me realize that I am not dependent on anyone, that I only owe myself growth
You have refreshed and reset my mind into this new mentality
Constructing my thoughts to understand
That I am fierce, and capable of all that I put my head into
Thank you for knowing how to help me in ways that not only attain to my growth
But without putting yourself into the situation
You don't even know how blessed I am to have you.

Dear Norah,

I mark this paper with words of remorse towards my former self
I write this with pain in my heart, and regret for my past actions
I apologize for the discomfort in my own body
But more importantly.. I apologize for the aching of my soul
I'm sorry for still not becoming the person you had thought I would become by this age
I'm sorry for still suffering mentally..while trying to search for my identity
I'm sorry for not understanding myself to the full extent yet.
There are a lot of things that I'm disheartened about..
But at the same time..
I'm a better person today than I was a few years ago
I'm a more reliant and independent individual
I'm myself, and I am proud of me.
So past Norah, I'm sorry for not being mentally stable enough to handle myself
But I have grown.
And as my parents always told me..
With patience comes progress
With time, I'll thrive.

The day you told me that I will be safe with you
That you will make me blossom into a beautiful woman
An artist with support for his lover
I had this feeling in the core of my heart
That has been pushing to be released
Yet I keep these emotions hidden deep inside of me
Because what if I'm mistaking myself.. and I don't feel that way?
Or even worse.. what if you don't?
I am stuck in this reality trying to figure out how this relationship will begin.. and continue
Right person, wrong time
But we're still going to make it work.. time doesn't control us
And I promise you..
The day that I say those three words to you
Is going to be a special moment between us
Because the amount of times I've been aching to tell you
Yet I force myself not to..
You'll know I mean it.

The first time I felt my heart break.. I had disowned myself
Constantly facing towards the past to understand what I had done wrong
Was it me or something I did?
I felt so disappointed in my own self that I let her go
She didn't know her worth and relied on a man to show her
That was her first mistake
She gave him superiority to the point where
He was able to manipulate her emotions
Tossing her around, acting like she was a doll..
That was her second mistake
I could go on and on about how she threw herself into situations
That would only cause her more pain
But why should I do that, when I've let go?
I am not her anymore.. she is dead.
This new me.. will never rely on a man
Not just a man, she will never let another PERSON carry her upon this path of life
Because she is strong, she has been through too much
To look down at her own self and see failure.

I'm tired of my mind constantly pulling away from you
My heart knows what it wants yet I strain myself
Into this headache of pain and discomfort
I am embedded in between my thoughts and wander if I will ever get past this state
Unconsciously hurting and healing at the same time
Constantly ponder at the thought that
What if you're here to destroy my peace?
Or maybe you're in my life as a blessing..
See that's my problem.. I overthink the future
I am afraid of becoming vulnerable with someone
Just for it to end and us become strangers again..
That's why I pull myself apart from you
I care about you, and I'm beginning to love you
I just don't want to hurt you.

Because I'm very hurt deep inside
I feel as if.. hurting me will reflect back to you
Because that's how I am
I put others before me.

I feel like I've been the hardest to love
I have been drowning in tears
Surrounded by lust and manipulation
I've been placed into this mindset where all men act the same
That they are heartless creatures just searching for pleasure
Maybe it was because I'm just too difficult for a man to love me
Too many traumatic experiences and deep emotions..
They try to let me go and I can feel it
I am a burden upon them, a negative addiction placed onto their hearts
Maybe that's why men lust me
Because they still get a part of me.. without the constant anchor weighing them
Below the shores and strained into that depressive state
Who knows..
Maybe I'm just hard to love.

Every time I gaze into your eyes.. I see your beauty
The presence you hold is intimidating, but I see through you
I know the real you.
I vision your kind soul passing your love and guidance along to me
I vision your mistakes causing issues, yet you push yourself through the disturbances
Your adherence to my soul tricks me into thinking you're secretly trying to play me
Maybe because that's how I was treated before
But this is new.. this is strange
I take one step closer, and dive deeper
Fall for your flaws, fall for your presence
I fall for you
My mind wants me to distance
But my heart wants to be intertwined with yours
It's about time I stop letting my thoughts control me
And let my emotions lead the way
I'm going to love you.