If healing made a home in my body.. it'd be living inside of my heart.
The love I infuse into different souls
The process of healing would be a fool to surround itself anywhere else
You see.. healing is like a rose
Look closer, you see the agony, discomfort
Look from afar, you vision through the pain
When it is given attention to.. watered..
It blooms with grace, with elegance, in awe.
So if healing made a home inside of my body
Its first resort would be to reach an area that can be in the greatest deal of pain
Yet hold the most beauty
And that is my heart.

Your beauty amazes my mind.. your soul astounds my body
Everything about you.. is what I have been praying for this entire time
Where have you been my whole life?
I've been drowning in toxic relationships
Following the wrong paths
Searching above and below for someone to love me the way that you do
Without any complications or owed dues..
Listen, I don't know where you came from
Anyone who has loved you before me, I want to thank them
For helping shape you into the person you are today
But from here on out, you're mine to love.
I don't mean just for a few months.. I mean for as long as life keeps us together
I am going to bring plenty of joy into your world
Support you following your dreams, and hold you accountable
This right here.. will be a healthy relationship.
A rose being caressed by a feather.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to find peace in my environment
To search for tranquility within all the chaos
Swallow the pain, remain persistent with myself

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to take things day by day
Pause the thoughts that continuously run through my mind
Quit searching for the answers, and let life take me along its path

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me to put myself before others
Those nights where I sit in the corner of my room drenched with tears
Begging for individual souls to go the same extent I do for them

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how they have seen me suffer for years
They would tell me how much they have seen me grow along this process
How far I've gone for those I love, that it is all noticed.

If these walls could speak, they'd tell me how proud they are of me.

My teddybear is my best friend
You may think that I'm caught in my childhood
Maybe that I'm just immature
But this teddybear has been here for me throughout all my years
Beginning from when my father gifted it to me at the age of 7
Leading up to my fathers death at the age of 12
All the way until now.. at the age of 18
This teddybear is sentimental and seen to me as a blessing
Each night that I used to be crushed in between my thoughts
Begging for a way out of my mind, my bear held my hand
He clutched my heart with such pureness, and would indicate me to take my time to heal
My teddybear is the representation of my father.

Words can't express how blessed I am
To have someone as beautifully minded
As easily trusted, loving and caring
As you.
Only actions and time will express my true emotions for you
But just know
Through thick and thin, no matter what occurs
I will be here, right by your side
Always.
As your lover.

The world is attempting to cleanse me
But how would that work when
The world is in need of cleansing itself?

Each and every person is in need of improvement
How does anybody look at one another
And have the audacity to make judgements?

We are all in pain, no matter how wealthy you are
No matter the house you live in
No matter who you're surrounded by
We are all healing
Now what kind of world would be in
If we couldn't support one another?

Lately I haven't been able to comprehend how I feel. It's like I'm in this realm of tranquility but also disruption of peace. I thought I found myself a few months ago, I believed that I had regained self-identity. Recently I haven't been able to identify my own mind in the conscious of chaos. As the days pass by, as the rain pours down against my skin harder and faster, as the communities get sickly, it becomes more difficult to separate myself from the crowd. My visage has flipped from being joyous to depressive. One moment I'm in utter happiness and the next I suffer from constant panicking. Searching for  approval around me has caught me to realize that I was never enough nor will I ever be. God gives me this reminder, that I am needed as a glow, a radiance. Let me be your light.

I want to thank your mother for giving birth to such a beautiful and kindhearted man
I want to thank your childhood for the growth into making you become the person you are today
But most importantly, I want to thank you.
The day you entered my life, was a time full of blessings
Who knew one little message could spark a light of joy between two humans?
Who knew that two people with no intentions of being together..ended with becoming a couple?
I am most gracious of having a man that is not only understanding and caring,
A man that not only supports and communicates, but pushes me to do better each and everyday
Your reassurance is the beauty I need within my mind
Your emotions became the connections of us, as a pair
You are such a blessing, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise
Either way, I'll still be here to give you the world
No matter whether it's in the dark or the day
I promise you, I'm here to stay.

You are the light to my tunnel, the sun to my darkness
You are the food to my body, the breath to my lungs
You are the art to my soul, the poetry to my mind
You are the rose to my beauty, the rose of my heart.
Anytime you need me, I will be here for you
Don't worry about me, more so be there for yourself
Don't ever doubt my words even in times that are blue
As you know, baby, bruises don't last forever
But when they arrive onto your skin, take your time and heal
I will always be here, supporting you from the sidelines, the crowds
But you need you more than I need you
Take care of yourself, beloved.

As time passes by, as the days get longer and my patience falls short
I understand why..
Why I fall for you harder, each and everyday
I am in love with your personality, your actuality
How in difficult times, you promise yourself
To be there for your own self before anybody else
I am in love with your mindset, and the truth stained behind it
How in times where you doubt yourself, and where you might lessen your spirituality..
You choose the path of growth, while taking a step back
To gaze at the bigger picture.
I am in love with the way you pay attention
The way you observe and memorize my daily routines
How you analyze your thoughts and communicate in a respectful manner
How any slight switch of attitude can show you that I'm not okay
Or the way you listen closely to my expressive emotions
How after we're finished making love..
You caress my body with your fingers and bring me closer
These little things TJ, you might think that I don't notice
But in reality, each moment I spend with you I fall harder for you
Just know that I'm always praying for you
Because Lord knows I did not want to be in a relationship before I met you.

I feel like my thoughts are turning against me
Sometimes I feel like I am not able to control them
My fears have become so rooted that I..
I became afraid of myself.

Every year, every day, every minute, every second
Is a whole new battle with myself and with my tears
I am tired of constantly dealing with the pain
The hurt that is lingering around the bottom of my waist trickling all the way up to the edge of my ears

My heart is in pain, and it has been like this for a while
But nobody really cares until it's the end of time
Nobody understands until you are a hashtag, or just a photo
Maybe even an unsolved case, like this is some sort of a game
A joystick ride for media to gain advantage of you

I am in pain, surprising to tell, but lately everything has been so blue
But who the hell is going to sit with me
And help me with what I need to get through
Yeah.. that's right.. nobody.

Given the day that is today..
I will make it as joyous as possible
Because this is something that should be celebrated.
You aren't in pain anymore, you're finally free
Sometimes I wish you were here with me
But.. I realize that you are eternally happy
And that's all I ever wanted

Each day is a struggle dragging myself out of my sheets
But I do it for you
I miss your humor, your presence
You were the light that filled every room with beauty
Someone that would help others despise what was going on with yourself
I remember you asking me one day, what I wanted to be when I grew older and well..
Dad my honest answer is, I want to be just like you.
I look up to you, and most importantly, I love you.

You are the one I do everything for
I miss you more and more as the time changes
And as everyone forgets who you were,
I still sit here and reminisce each and every memory of us
I love you more than anyone in this world could have
I was your little princess, and you left me
But just save a seat for me please, I'm coming soon.

The rose that is engraved onto my body
I did it for you, in honor of you
How from afar this flower is so beautiful yet..
Up close you see the prickles and thorns that have been sacrificed within the hidden pain beneath the beauty
You are the reason I wake up every single day
And push myself a step further.. and further.
The moment my eyes awaken each new day..
Is distress on my mind from being beaten before
I am afraid of myself but dad..
You taught me to be a whole different person
That the woman I have grown into today..
Is a strong, faithful, and kind woman
You are a blessing deddy
I know I missed out on saying this before..
But you will always be in my heart.

I'm going to give you some advice
You've probably heard it before but thank me later.

Never take your parents for granted
They are your backbones, your juices of joy
They love you more than you can imagine
Yes, you may argue, you may have bruises here and there
But look deeper into your thoughts
And see how they want to build you
Your parents only want to grow you instead of destroy you
Yet us, being immature and acting grown, see it differently
We feel as if they are holding us.. in this cell of depression
When in reality, it's us.
We believe so hard that our parents are out to get us
The only choice of escaping is suicide
Or at least that's what I thought
Now look, it's the sixth year of my fathers death anniversary
& I promise you, each and every day I regret my actions
I regret how I never became closer with my father
I regret some things I used to say
I regret letting my ego and pride get in the way of my family

Don't be like me.

My father passed away on the tenth of march
Many people ask me 'why'
Excellent question.. that I don't know the answer to
Maybe it's just God's will.. and he knows best
But still..

My father passed away on the tenth of march
The year of twenty fourteen
In a mosque nearby
After he had cleansed himself by wudu
Getting ready for the afternoon prayer

My father passed away on the tenth of march
With all these blessings surrounding him
Which occurred the week of spring break
As each year passes, still destroying me slowly
The traumatic aura revolving in the air haunts me

I miss him.

I dreaded this day for the longest.
Subconsciously the fear of having to live through the tenth of march haunted me for months
It began effecting my grades, my goals, my motivation
Everyday I reminisce on the past
On those I love and care for
How I've taken many things for granted,
And just as quickly as they came..
Those blessings vanished.

Have you ever loved someone?
Grew up with them..got used to their presence
Took things for granted and..
One day they became vanished from your world
As if they were never there to begin with?

& I don't mean a romantic lover..
Someone with the resemblance of faith
I mean someone you would look up to.. like a mentor.
Someone with the visage of joy
My father.

Never will I ever not wish you well
Never will I ever not pray for you
Never will I ever do anything that will hurt you
Destroying the peace of my mind
Destroying the peace of my dignity
Destroying the peace of my soul
You are constantly in my prayers
You are the biggest blessing I've ever had
You are the one to teach me everything, the reason for my success
I love you
I miss you
I need you

Living every single day without you is a drag
I constantly have to force myself to be social
Because that's what you would have wanted
You would want me to be okay, and to thrive
Every single day I sit here and pray
Pray for our wellbeing, pray for you, pray for me
But how am I supposed to do so..
When my mentor was the one to teach me?
You were there for not even half of my story.. 12 years.
Which I'm grateful for but.. I need you.
Every single day I cry my tears and stray away from my faith
I need my mentor
I need my bestfriend
I need my father.

Every night I lay on my bed, ready to fall asleep
I have conversations with you, about my dreams
Others might think I'm crazy, maybe I'm hallucinating
But I can see you, and I speak to you.

Though you're dead, you're still alive in my dreams
Please stay with me forever, I need you with me always
I miss you more than anything
And when this life comes to an end,
I know you'll be up in the heavens waiting for me
Having a seat with my name on it
Right next to yours, dad.

I have some questions for you -

How would you feel if I did the same **** to you?
How would you feel if I destroyed your peace and left you?
How would you feel if I wasted not only your time, but your energy just with my presence?

When you're ready to give me a response for the deeds you've done, I'm right here willing to listen

Because after all..
I'm still praying for your well-being.

Love scares me
What's the point of it? The concept?
You love someone just for them to end up dead..
Or for them to leave you
Acting each day as if you were nothing for them

Or how about people putting on a show, acting like they care for your well-being
But all along, they just want to take your body
They want to destroy your peace just to use you
And the worst part of it all is..
Nobody understands.. because it's seen as a normality.
Toxic.

I departed from my depression
I gaze at the world with an altered perspective
The sky is so blue.. the trees reflecting a vibrant green
The dark, beautiful red roses blossoming
The children playing amongst their friends
The beauty of little things
And the blessings given to me in this life
The sun is shining..
And at night when the moon rises.. I see the beauty
The charm of darkness not being embedded in between my feelings
This is the time where I realize
That I am not my emotions
I accept me, and I'm in love.

The only thing in between me and this degree,
Is the tears, the diligence, the frustration.
But then I envision the future
While reminiscing about the past..
Would it really be so shallow,  day by day..
If I ceased and made today be my last?
Or should I continue to pursue.. and become viable to the economy
Sometimes it feels like a challenge of eternity
But obtaining energy to make it to the end..
Is the accomplishment of a lifetime.
I'm proud of me, and I hope you are too.

I feel.. free.
Freedom that is abnormal and feels odd
This is an unknown reality to me
I am discerned yet joyous
I am moving past this destructive catastrophe

You want me to suffer, and you want me in pain
But.. you see..
I'm back to being me
I missed her and now I am she
You can sit here and disagree
Say that you had a bigger impact
That I'm still not let free

Deep down though..
We both know..
Even if you don't, I still adore me.

It is now 12 am
I used to be asleep by 9..maybe 10.
Lately my thoughts have clouded my mind
My emotions have puzzled my body
I began to sleep throughout the day
Write poems and suffer through tears throughout the night
I don't feel like myself..
Maybe it's just a temporary suspicion
I reminisce and realize that..
I have been searching for her.. she is lost
I look both sides and beg you to please help me.
I lost me.

My tears spell 'goodnight'
My heart is aching in pain
My mind says "I can't rest"

I guess it's just a matter of time
But also when I'm ready

Four is the number of death
My father passed on the fourth hour
In the year of 2014
The third month and the tenth day
His six years is creeping through
Waiting to open the door and haunt me for months
Specifically about four
Because I recall the fourth anniversary
Being the day of my death
I haven't felt alive since.
I promise you
Four is the number of death.

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
I have not done anything throughout the whole day
Maybe it's the depression
I feel as if I have these weights placed onto my chest
And each night when I hit my bed they begin to get removed
Each morning they are replaced cyclically
I need to get out of this state
It's like I'm confined into this mentality
My thoughts have become clouds and my words have become swords
My brain is suffering systematically
My communication has caught ropes and my energy has been strapped its peace

It is 11:43 pm and I feel exhausted
But I have not done anything all day
Maybe it's the depression.

Life works in amusing ways
How the rich get more aid than the poor
How the boys are told to "man up"
The girls being ordered to "stand down"
How the women can't suffice with their own independency
Men not being able to cope with traumatic emotions
Soon it becomes an addictive normality
You gaze and begin to wander
Will you become what is expected of you?
Or will you put yourself to an elevated standard
Suffer the consequences now only to alter the system later

We can't let humanity define us.

I'm going to tell you a story
Of this couple that had no choice but to linger together..
For many years the wife was getting abused.. drugged.. *****
He would spend all day out with an older woman.. and come home to a fresh meal by his warm-hearted lover
He never recognized the pain he had put her through..
How sadly.. she was attached to him mentally and emotionally

Fast forward to the day when the husband had gotten a call from the hospital
That he had beat her so violently.. she was put into a coma
The woman was quickly losing her vitality
Indenial by heart but ignorant by choice
Refused to take accountability for his actions
He had taken it out on that older woman

Next thing you know.. his wife had passed.. he had beat the older woman so critically..
That she was bleeding tears down her soft cheeks dripping onto the hard-wooded floor
Every single day she would make prayers.. hoping she had something left to look forward to
I guess at one point you just don't want to fight anymore
Later that month.. this older woman had taken her own life.
That's two.
When will this stop?
What does it take?

I can't articulate the reason you appeared into my life
The entity of humanity is desired by plenty
Maybe it's because you want your pleasure.. trying to destroy my peace
Or maybe to see things as a simple measure
Well I promise you won't get ahold of me
In fact, you're in for a ride
I am attained to myself and the only thing on my mind..
Is not you, not your pleasure, and definitely not your feelings
So how about we take a shift and skip to the part..
Provide me with rushed intimacy just so I can annoy you, destroy you, then leave you
Well that's not my problem.. it's yours.

The beauty within blossoms are so majestic
The position lifted when dull and frigid.. falling at the ends of life
How when the sun shines upon, vivid memories of a vibrant red radiate through
How the vines are placed thoroughly against each strain to sustain the grace together.

Growth is the most significant concept.
How from afar the frond is viewed as lovely
But you look closely.. grasp it firmly
You feel the prickles.. and the thorns..
Seeing that directly there is the pain and torture within each leaf.

Roses have numerous meanings
In each and every way they are appealing and irresistible
The petals each depict a part of me.
Beginning with the body, to the mind, following through the soul and ending with the heart.

It seems so simple and effortless to become a poet
Just write out your emotions and be vibrant with the pain through your words
Simple enough..
Now what about when you're trying to hide your adversities..
While trying to be transparent about your feelings?
Or how about performing in front of large groups of people..
While trying to detain your tears and imprison the pain
Is it still so uncomplicated?

Poetry is a gift..

Give me time.. I am in despair
I cannot breathe and my lungs are filled with affliction and discomfort
The disarray of my tears is the representation of my illness
My time is escaping me
My heart is pulsating faster than ever before
It's like I'm lumbered into this room with myself and 300 unknowns
But somehow I look around and still feel like I'm alone
I am in utter disappointment
My tears have fallen and I am completely shaken
Everyday it's like I'm fighting this balance with myself.. fighting for my identity
Even my tears are drowning in water
Even my lungs are finding it hard to breathe
And even my heart is pulling itself apart.

Everyday I wake up and my body is immense pain
Is this a sign?
Am I running out of time?
Or is this just because I don't take care of my health?
Because I have my first meal of the day at 11 pm
Or because I don't go to the doctor when I am in need
Mentally & physically
Maybe it's because of my condition.. or my anemia
Who knows?

It is 98 degrees outdoors
I see children running around screaming, but all I hear is silence
I am shivering from the coolness of my surroundings
The sun is blaring onto the concrete, yet I step outside barefoot with no pain towards my nerves
I am numb.

My thoughts are tired of themselves
The aching of my brain equates to the pain fixated into my body..
The softness in my soul..
The lack of empathy that everybody has around me
The voice that is caught in my throat
Is screaming for therapy
I am shivering but it isn't cold outside
I am sleeping from daylight to the night
I am losing my complete appetite
My body, mind, soul, and heart are all frozen
How am I supposed to grow when my petals are in captivity
Please help me..
Please come and get into my shoes.

You want to know why I love poetry?
Because it is my escape.
My words will never get up and leave me
My thoughts will never mentally abuse me
My writing will never undermine me

You want to know why I love poetry?
Because it is my distraction.
My intrusion into reality
With the mindset that I have
And the personality that I carry
It's easy for anyone to overreach me

Sometimes I wish I didn't have my heart
Or my mind.. my thoughts
But how else would I have become a poet?

My soul is impatient
My body is shaken
Give me time for minutes is all I need.. but I don't have enough
I'm young but time is escaping me
My own self is generally disabling me
Wasted signs, wasted rhymes, wasted cries

All the time that was given and the pain that was forsaken towards you
Through all the emotional wounds and discomfort , I still forgive you
But the time.. that is something that I can never get back
All that while that has been misspent on you

Sadly now I'm just on my own.

I lost all of my beliefs
Since the day that I lost my father
And only the Lord is helping with my grief
What if the world is hopeless
And I tell you that I am scared to be alone?
What if humanity is done for and we're all surviving solely?
It's just a story.. or a dream
But I see the message within the idea of truth
I know things are beautiful and there are good hearts
Despite this, I am still on my own
I've been ill-treated by most so I've come to that point
Where I'm not afraid to be alone anymore.. in fact..
Please leave me by myself and my thoughts.
I just want to be alone.

My personality undershadows my deen, my beliefs
And that's when I figured that all is forgiven and that I am unshaken
I am giving my poetry my all, I'm being vulnerable
Something that not only am I not comfortable with
But not in favor of
I don't even feel like my body is controlling me
Like I'm some sort of doll
Getting tossed around to meet high expectations
Of individuals I do not care for
Of distance I didn't request for
Of advice I didn't beg for
I need things given to me because I'm simply afraid to ask
I am in pain and reign
Only needing to be tamed
And to be put out of my fame
I don't want anyone to know me..
I want to remain a mystique in reality
My individuality has torn me down systematically
Or maybe I am mistaken
Because this is my time.

I hope I make it out of here
This feels like a dungeon of disbelief
An anomaly, a disparity..from what I'm used to
Isn't it lovely?
How the sky can be so sunny
And the oceans can be so blue
Yet the mind can be in tormented agony
And the heart fails to fall through

Put your whole faith into me
I am worth it but more importantly I am determined
Fixated on your pleasure and satisfaction
I am earnest and idyllic
I don't need to prove it to you, I just need an hour
Just like my peers, you'll see right through me
But if only you had the time..
I mean.. If only you took the time.

Every single week, it's the same routine
I work all day, ready to come home
By the weekends I am drained, depleted, deprived of vitality
Sometimes I wonder why I am not like the others..
Why I don't take time for myself.. relax with myself
But most importantly..
Why am I not proud of myself?
It seems like everyday is a new battle against my emotions
But the results stay the same.. depression.
I tell myself that I would rather fight through the stress and vibrancy
Just to hear you say you're proud of me
Even just once.. but then I think deeper
I analyze my own actions and constantly ponder at the thought that..
I am never proud of myself.
I degrade my own capabilities.
I pray for my own downfalls.
Give me your time, space, and energy
You aren't my enemy.. my enemy is me.

My mind is soaring like an airplane through the wanders of my thoughts like the clouds are in my arms.

My body is running through the marathon of the sea where I collect myself and try to fix everything that is wrong with me.

My soul is collectively draining tears and pulling bonds out of my skin and I am deeply in pain.

My heart is the centerpiece of my whole body, and I feel like I am at the end, like I'm crying for assistance through my emotions but my words are an example of unprovoked happiness.

I like to call the mind, body, soul, and heart, the four petals of the rose of growth.

Take care of yourself.

I like to blame the reason of my despair on school
When in reality, it's you.
I sit here and reminisce old memories
And I feel pain.. like a blade cutting into my skin
People ask me if I'm okay
Each day it's the same reaction, the same response
"Yes I'm fine, just tired."
Or "My education is draining me."
But then I think is it really?
What I want to say is, "I'm hurt." "I'm in pain." and "I need help"
But the only words that come out of my mouth is..
"I'm just tired."

I hate when people ask me to tell them about myself
What do you want to know? My name, age, career?
More importantly, why?
I want to remain as a mystery
I don't want you to have the benefit of knowing me
I would rather be hidden and unimportant.. than be famous and notable
I won't answer your question.
Forgive me for that

Look deeper into his mind
And you'll see that he's in pain
You wonder what you've done
Why he's always distant and reserved
Baby he only treats you as such because he's afraid
He has his guard up and can you blame him?
With the women these days and the way they act
Can you blame him for being aweary and restrained?

Look deeper into her mind
And you'll see that she's in pain
You wonder what you've done
Why she's always agitated and unapproachable
Baby she only treats you as such because she's afraid
She has been through a vast amount of suffrage
With the men these days and the way they act
Can you blame her for being tense and drained?

I'd rather just stay single.