an entrail, caught
on the jagged edges of time
goodbye

i have a secret to tell you, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find what i am trying to say, my secret is there hiding away, i can't say the words out loud and i can not admit to my own deficiencies, but my secret says it all, please break in and find me out, you'll be disappointed and not surprised, i need you to know this thing about me, i need everyone to realize my giant falsity, behind the reinforced retaining wall is my biggest secret of all, you might laugh at the irony, you might laugh at the truth if you ever find out, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find

If i were to know the happenings of yesterday in their entirety
if i knew of everyone who feel in love, and each who fell out
if i knew of those who died, lived, and began again
if i were to know of each new leaf and each form of condensation
the path of every bird, the thought of every dog and the feelings of everyone and every living thing
if i knew the the feelings, the happenings of yesterday
maybe i would know more about today.

love humiliates
will you please validate my life ticket
success is not possible when you care about almost nothing
some things are worth fighting for?
'nice' boy
is the sky everywhere or nowhere?
rotten eggs
purple was the color of the melancholy flower
visceral
painful dreams
what kind of person will you be

things are getting hazy

thing are getting morbid

things are shaking and rolling

**HOW CAN THINGS GET MORE HAZY

lying on a cold metal table

dead

incisions up your front

naked

are you still self conscious?

words that cannot walk
apostasy? dissipation?
human, all-too-human
representation of a stage of life
mixed opinions & maxims
timeless - everything is?
his body weary but his soul unmoved
heavy with happiness

is there wind beneath my wings?
will i ever rise up and fly?
the light says no!!
*so where do i go

everyone is trippin ballz and i wanna do acid
i wanna live in a tent with a flap and some pants and thats it
i could live on beans and veggies
i could have ***** feet and rotten mouth taste
id do that in exchange for happiness
in exchange to understand and grasp
pure. happiness..
my stomach hurts
where am i

i am asleep
goodnight friend
melancholy
my head spins
my nose tickles
oh i am in the car
with my mom
and she is yelling at me
oops i forgot
i don’t know if i should pay attention
probably not
there goes a red ball
lying in the gutter
there it is
streaked with dirt
goodbye red ball
goodnight old friend

the conflicting feelin of
wanting to bleed and
not wanting to bleed
they say its addicting because of the chemicals
in your body
that respond
and you still want it
over and over
and i want it
but beyond the chemicals i think
actually im not sure
i dont know anything anymore

i speak and i think in the generals
i speak and i think and i immediately forget what was
spoken and thought
i speak and i think and i worry
i speak and i think and i contradict myself
i speak and i think and i portray an image of myself to others
i speak and i think and i don’t trust
i speak and i think

words words words i am so tired of words words words words words words (i fly with repitition) words but i thrive on them they keep me going but (but but but but) i don’t want words (bring it all together) they don’t convey what needs to be conveyed they don’t show what i need to show

i dont know anything anymore
thats not okay to anyone else
i must know
i cant know
its hard because i dont give a ****
but sometimes i do
and when i do it is hard

Cigarettes and my shoes. Everything is foggy and bright. My vision has a fuzz on it. I cant think real things. I remember nothing. I know nothing. I am walking. Everything is deep dark. Theres no turning back. The timing never works out. Time yourself better. What is pacing yourself. You know. You got it. I cant breathe my chest is compressed. Compressed chest and knotted belly. Sick. Sick? Sick?? Sick?????? Are you sick. Have you figured it out yet. Have you let it blow through you. Have you felt the sand between your toes. Did it make you cry. Stars are crying. Andromeda. Black holes show everything’s helplessness. In all events, it all ends up the same. Do what you need. Do what you feel. Do the things to make you happy. Don’t **** up! Wait until the absolute last second, wait until it becomes unbearable, swings are dizzy, dizzy is dizzy, we are dizzy together, drifting on a brain of confusion through the milky way, brace for final impact, the airplane has crashed. Ready or not! Ready or not! Ready or not! Take your shirt off Wanna see something cool Here is the ultimate heavyweight champion Here is the god who will save you Why hasn’t the chill pervaded! 4:56am Please leave me alone Please shut up Hey no one knows anything, I know less than nothing, who are you supposed to be, who are you trying to be, are you trying, are you trying? Are you trying?????? Leaf leafs leave leaves, giant wooden tables, the only songbird in the world belongs to, time is warping EVERYTHING, grass isn’t growing anymore, skin isn’t shedding, guts aren’t processing, do you cut any corners on your self care routine? What are your hobbies can you sing can you paint can you thread can you play can you can you can you can you can you

I am not a responsible, fully functioning human today (anymore?). I am gripping at ledges with slick fingers and I just can not seem to stop crying. Everything is in your power, child, not mine. Please stop looking at me to guide you, I am definitely not the one for the job. Can you not see the tar on my stiffening face and the gray goop on my lungs?

PAST
She needed to be reminded of who she was. She needed assurances from long-lost strangers. She needed to be told she was right and that she could fly. She needed to be tucked in at night and impassioned with light. She needed something from them that they could not give. She needed what she could not have. She needed to not be sad. She needed for a change to inspire. She needed to be told of her truth and her fight.
PRESENT
She needed too much from other people, and that was her downfall. One day a part of her died, the part that needed constant reassurance and love. It was brutally murdered by her own hands, in a fit of passion. And she was happy, far better off, without the weight of others within her.
FUTURE
She needs to remind herself of who she was, is and will be. She needs to push herself and keep moving f o r w a r d. She will always need something from herself that she can give, and will no longer waste on other people. She will be strong, and loved, and happy!

There is something here that I want to say
and once again, it’s all about me, it’s all in my head.

Those unspoken currents in the air,
the branches that tear the existence of today
to swirl reality together with the past.

The weight of more than a bear,
colors mixed past despair,
the futile attempts that can’t ever cease.

Significance beyond your grasp or my own,
desperate aches to enter into the other.

How do you reach a conclusion when there is no ending to be found?

scraped tongue burning thumb everything's gonna be alright

it's all convoluted
twisting and turning, making circles in hurting heads
but the truth is
i really cannot grasp a single thing
only excruciating pain
to cover emptiness and loss
i am moving forward, onward, backward
no one has any words or wisdom
stop thinking you are right
you are never right

i keep asking for something
looking for something
and i don't know where

i wish i knew something.

everyone has their own lives
when will the dullness get vibrant
when will the void gain meaning
will it ever?

and what will i do until then?
it is not okay.

I am not losing my mind I am losing my mind. I am not sick I am sick. I am not okay I am okay. I am not here right now I am here right now. I am not calm I am calm. I am not confused I am confused. I am not lost I am lost. I do not understand I understand. I can not move I can move. I can not breathe I can breathe. I can not pretend I can pretend. I am not responsible I am responsible. I am not happy I am happy. I do not believe in myself I do believe in myself. I am not aware I am aware. I am not trouble I am trouble. I am not hungry I am hungry. I am not sick I am sick. I am not full I am full. I am not empty I am empty. I am not creative I am creative. I am not worth it I am worth it.

two different world - are one
but we will show them in the sun

is there a world outside?

i'm going to break
i'm going to break
please don't
come and get me
everywhere
i am incapable of
please come and get me and take me away
she's gonna go crazy
no time
somewhere else
where i am comforted

i think i'm going numb
i can't feel the ripping
goodnight

It's been convinced that It's creativity needs a boost, some assistance to bring it closer to home. What We're trying to vocalize to It is simple and not very twisted, yet the transparency of thoughts became clouded at some point during the transmission through those waves. The Decree that We need to show It, the Decree of Truth and Art is only VERY SIMPLE! All of the skills that would enable It to Get It are present, uncomplicated and really real. Believe Us, blanketing It's foggy mind are all of the answers. That's the ticket, It!

you make me buzz baby
i want you to know
that i'm no longer in control
it's all moving within itself
buzz, baby, you make me buzz
i want you to know
everywhere and all throughout
reality is threatening to crash down around me
but it's okay, i don't mind
here is where i am now
i am here right now
and i'm abuzz, baby
i just wanted you to know

awareness of each others different universes, awareness that each person understands their own everything and everything within everything and every person is on their own highway, feeling that there are others on their own highway but other than that knowing nothing because we cannot penetrate each others everythings

please excuse the cough,
it's the coal mine in my lungs,
digging up dirt and foul oils,
extracting all the priceless jewels

polluted, stained and scarred
by the trials of everyday

please, excuse the cough
i promise it's not contagious

/ i panicked and it all turned quick / i think my heads gonna blow right of my *** / in a spaceship / going much too fast / look / you see / my steaming feet / oh god / oh boy / here we go again /

dying emotionally
aching and breaking
pointless and dramatic
useless and loveless
trapped in a head
a face floating everywhere
but no where i can look
scrambling for understanding

nothing is quite as rotten
as her heart while it's at sea
losing connection and self
only salt and water to grab
as she plunders down the side

the floor shakes
     the shakes tingle
            the tingle rocks
                     the rock jitters

think hard and feel very funky!

and in the end, time will probably pass

i swear to God, there is a piece there somewhere that is missing and has been for all of time. but only when the wind stirs and i begin to ruminate on the answer of what it might be, where it might have gone or even where it came from, does the overwhelming body swirl of pain and sorrow take me over completely. all else otherwise is just a slightly discomforting numbness. (the secret to the madness is all in that there numbness, the numb dumb game to play.) :(

the vile color of everything about you

adds to the torturous bile inside of me

shaking and quivering

i am full of things that make me beg to die

please please please go away

ruminating thoughts turn into thorns of gold
pushing around inside mushy brains
poking holes in the spots you need to be whole
but they are gold and precious
they just need some love

suddenly, everything switches
turns on its side into something you can not recognize
all that is left is a pile of dust and dirt
and a few scratched notes
full of lies and deceit

you have to learn everything new again
remember what it is like to be you
trust yourself and trust the good people

the evil forms that irreparably damaged you
will always be right behind
let them be close, but not too close

try to understand

truthful and real words

it's filling me up
and taking me over
what could it be

reeking
cigarette
perfume
desperation
exuberance
hopelessness
giddiness
­happiness
sadness
adventure
walking around in the rain with a funky hat
catching a bus
going home
not sleeping

it's clear to me that this thing inside is *****, rotten and grotesque
yet it's full to the brim and it will remain the truth

if everything is wrong and completely incorrect
how can i assume these thoughts?

letting the contradictory thinking flings rabble through your brain,
reality is no longer fixed, yet skewed
as the body and mind hurtles chaotically through it

sometimes they just need a friend

my resources are exhausted, tried, through and through, rejected when least expected yet pushing forward, ignoring the negative tendencies that lurk in every corner, numb and naively willing to run forward

non-coherence, can't you see?

no one can see
(except me, except therein lies the all-knowing power i have built myself up to be. except can't i know one little thing that no one else will see? or is it just ignorance and fate, tying their cruel knot?)

i wish you would see
(i believed, i thought, i understood it differently)
i wish you would see
i wish you could see
(only me)

words can only convey limited meaning
and to have them understood is a rare occurrence
circuitous thoughts, in the end mean nothing
yet the spew comes forward and it will not stop
hopefully, endlessly, trying it's best

wishful thinking that the sting would die out

but it keeps returning in acidic waves

at times when expectations are broken

and understanding is high

trying to let it loose

be free and



insecurity is befuddled

unclear decisions only become moldier

the goal is fuzzy

the fingertips that were burned together

are broken apart by the freeze



i want to close the doors completely

barricade them from the world

and rip them into shreds

to ensure no wandering minds

ever commit the crime again

i am not sure that i am capable of hating anyone. to do so seems pointless, and entirely unreachable. i don't know what the point of life is, if there is one, but it is not to hold burning hatred within yourself. even to those who do you wrong, to those who damage you more than you thought you could ever be damaged, how do you hate them? should you not just let them go, push them out of your head entirely? it is hard for me to hate anyone, yet it is so easy for everyone else. i do not hate you because i reserve those feelings for myself.

i feel ancient and yellow

i looked at a man on a bus and was disgusted by his age

i decided then that i never want to feel old

the creak in your bones

the weight in your veins

the sag in your skin

the dullness in your eyes

you become dry, old, worn out

i feel ancient and yellow

i can feel my insides getting singed

turning brown, murky, vile

i will always let it in

i feel ancient and yellow

and weary, exhausted, empty

i feel as if

there is to be nothing

just waiting for the end

i feel ancient and yellow

alone,
be happy
you must be
despite all the circumstances
live in the moment
focus on right now
if you don't, you fail
if you do, you fail
figure it out!

it’s all so strange; it won’t get out

i am ablaze, every single part

stiff with heat

take it out of me, take it out of me

please take it out of me

i can feel it shifting in my bones

the details are hazy but the burden might be too much to bear

the disconnect is too strong; you can’t get back

as things sink deeper into my bones, solidifying and creating holes
the holes begin to burn and twist into cavernous depths,
i want to SHRIEK let me be free!
please, let go of my poor old aching bones
release the iron grip of reality,
stop the unbearable agony
that i caused for myself,
my own pain sinking deeper into itself

1

the way my body responds to your touch
shivering and arching
makes me believe that you have magic
pulsating through your fingertips

when i hear your heartbeat
i know i am alive

our breath synced together
made everything fit

laying next you, intertwined
i have never been more content

your touch
your words
your presence and laughter

2

you made me lose myself
i made me lose everything to you
love is a fickle fiend
a ruthless *****
she comes and goes and pretends to stay
she makes you trick yourself
until you forget whats real and true
until you forget who you really are
until you forget who you want to be

3

i can't
i can't write letters to you
i can't answer your questions
i can't be sensitive and kind
i can't tell you everything
or anything at all.
i do not love you

4

i am happy without your love
because i love myself
i hope you are happy too

it seems to me
to be an unforseen
elusive imaginer of
light
and love -
never to be captured
but forever hunted

they'd like to make it clear,
to you
to i,
to us,
that any angst in
the chase for definition
is futile
and marks the heart of a
senile man

my friends and i
keep it in the air
together, forever, keep it flying
working as one
having the most fun
keep it in the air
together, forever, in memory
and love

i began to grow but then,
how do i say
"                 "                    
and yet it is hidden behind
what you may find
to be your truth
even after the adamant suggest
to the otherwise

and to you, to be
might utterly convince me
unless my own falsity continues to disease my visibility

so what is it, we are back again
this time is too deafening for any type of comprehending

i'm tired, go away
leave me to my endless wait