i mean lily, i mean really.

oh i know what it is.

life i begin to grasp
as i start to laugh
slip through the misunderstood
tumultuous waves in your belly
life i begin to grasp
my mind i let go
one or the other
never both

within a state of unknowing
we're trapped!
reality is an illusion, caught and taken away in another deep slumber
continuous, relentless feelings of fear, regret, shame, memories, future
the time to relax has caught the black death
anger.
all alone.
nothing you can control because it's all in your head

what i'm saying is:
look to the moment where your mind is the weakest, your thoughts the most rampant, and THERE some unidentifiable type of evil has taken root
causing pure confusion
and a disconnect
that squeezes all clarity from your brain until ALL is murky
goodnight

for everything as it should be
and may be
and could be

(i wish something mattered
anything
i wish i mattered
somewhere
to someone)

there are so many things i never wanted to know
and now they won't leave
i never wanted to know
i do not want to know

i don't want to think
i want to be ignorant and unaware
i want to lose my mind and let myself go

it's hurting very suddenly
stabbing ripping tearing slipping
skull enclosing and collapsing
brains squelching out crevices

there are so many things i never wanted to know
but i didn't get a choice

there are so many things i didn't want to feel
but i didn't have a choice

i wish something mattered
i wish i mattered

there are so many things

i hate poetry
but i thrive within it
the jackassery
the relevancy of self
let me feel important for once
oops it is forgotten
that i am important all the time
but only to myself

When memories fade into the darkness, the one that sits at the edge of your eyeballs, and clearness becomes the most filled with unclarity
you are not allowed to remember because your foggy, mushy brain is stuck on REPEAT
  And the checkups, tuneups, improvements and replacements of your daily life only lead you to be irreparably shattered
  The measly repair is only a grim patched quilt of an unlucky (and unloved) being
   To ease the muddy water that keeps you stuck you must LISTEN TO SEE

(That touching is feeding and you need to be full.)

Do not listen to the useless urges that may be thrown your way by the trickster in your hair
He is only there to make you worse

an observer, viewer, purveyor watching your every move
she's the self-proclaimed overlord, claiming secrets and lies
shooting philosophies and judgements into the dark
wielding words as wisdom with very little presence or actual knowledge
an incredible surge of passion that is constantly misplaced
lost within her own head and her own version of reality
pretending to be a master of time, when time is only a concept
full of fickle, non importance, full of everything within all of space
a pathetic attempt to get words to express feelings
trying to hide the pride, the snide, the hypocrisy
a self destructive human being pretending to be more
a core of karuna, purely and simply
full of false bravado and empty promises
a not very smart lady, gaining stupidity and blank memories
losing the past and floating into the future
forgetting the present as it goes
confused yet full of understanding
full of too many unexpressive, unknowable, unaware
girl
girl
girl
short brown hair, blue eyes, plain and uneven face, long legs, veiny feet, skinny wrists, straight teeth, wide nails, confused, sarah.

how can you expect to find peace without your feet on the ground?
find even without odd, find silence without sound?
how will you find honest pleasure without feeling genuine pain?
there is no winning without playing the game.
you can have no identity without giving yourself a name
dark and light, left and right, the balance is the same

.

restless but doin okay

uneasy, ill at ease, restive, fidgety, edgy, on edge, tense, worked up, nervous, agitated, anxious, on tenterhooks, keyed up;

jumpy ,jittery, twitchy, uptight, antsy

sleepless, wakeful

fitful, broken, disturbed, troubled, unsettled

"a restless night"

offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion.

between the pages lie the answers to our secrets
why they are in the form of questioning i am unaware
but for now, the water has smoothed everything over
content yet exciting, the malice is gone, the present is finally bearable
and even more than that
the future looks open

there's a cloud in there
taking up all the air
it produces the fog that you like to see
but when it tickles your eye,
rubs against your brain,
the overbearing numb will settle within all your crevices.
it's all gone, everything that creates
all those tools, those thoughts, those ideas
were unknowingly crushed by the fog that you summoned
all on your own

to slightly comprehend that time is an illusion
and i'm wondering...

confusing to think
yet needing understanding to have ideas
as strikingly as reality
but therein lies
an occasional growing emptiness

the lack of purity in the air
engulfs what was left of sanity and reason
the human experience
tearing apart the good
stealing the worth within us all

it is everywhere and you cannot escape it
even if you tried, even if you noticed


12/2/2014

i used to be a slave to the words that were all i could hear, that consumed my only clear thoughts and ideas. i used to be obsessed with capturing them and wrangling them into exactly what i meant them to be. and that proved too hard, because i am weak and words are fickle.

i used to stare at everything in my sight as hard as i could to get the exact picture i wanted to capture. i used to wonder about who and what and when and where. the permanence of the captured picture brought me back in time, into memories and old sights and places. i took a camera with me everywhere so i could capture all of my thoughts, all of my feelings and memories. and that proved too hard, as pictures develop into nothing unique, nothing clear.

i used to draw and shade and mold and touch. my fingers needed to create, needed to explode. i created what was easiest, what flowed out with no second thought. i used to try and let it take over me. and that proved too hard, as my hand seized up and i gave up. because of talent. because of pain. because nothing came rushing through my fingertips.

i used to think myself into different lands, different lives and different ideologies. i used to get lost within nothing, easily distracted by the cycles in my head, the cycles of life and love and death and pain. that proved too hard, because i am weak and only wanted numbness, darkness, thoughtlessness.

the thoughts and words and pictures and ideas dulled into the ordinary. everything has the same release that nothing does. how exhausting, when i only need a little bit of release. i have dulled myself into oblivion while looking for adrenaline. and now it looks like i'm out of chances, because i gave up. because i am so weak.

It is a sickening feeling when you think back to a different time, maybe a fuller time and the people you loved, who are gone with the wind into each other, without you even though you loved them, too. You had to start over and you’re afraid your new beginnings aren’t quite as full but yet there is no comparison because it has separated into two different lifetimes. Yet you’re still lonely despite your beautiful new life, something is missing and maybe things could be more shiny... and you wonder what it would be if either your old life could end and disappear, or completely blend in with this new one so it can finally be whole. Yet you know it is whole, nothing is missing except hurt and confusion and lying and cruelty. Why would you want that in your new world? Why would you want a little more excitement, a little more wonder, a little more laughter, a little more connection... maybe if your old life had come to an end, your current life would not be so pointless and circuitous. Maybe some thing and some people connections would be more real and life would be more of a fantastic adventure. But there is no holding on to what is the past, there should be no idealization of the horrible things that happened to you, your life could be no different and maybe this is just as happy as you can be.

you said i am burning up and you are the only one so scared with another
you wanted on the inside   i have ever wanted girl,
to be and you are  to talk to that you don’t want
my friend the only one but i cant you to talk with me,
but here  i want to talk to because i am  that you are
that you lied or oh my god did not tell the whole so bad truth,
that you will stop  i miss you wanting to be 'get better’.
my friend so ******* much if i don’t i am hurting  but i cant tell you that.
and its not because of you i need you just want to be friends
but only because we don't talk  i am going to explode
and you don't seem to care at all   but i don't want to play games
and i need you in my life more than anybody.

the outlines are blurry
the space behind your eyeball is clogged
i want to change
the precipice of sanity
the void of insanity

time is passing at light speed
no time is passing at all

i'm spinning in circles
i'm going to fall over
where am i going?

where am i in the universe today?
your three worst fears will become realized all at once
all at once

sorry

i am turning into stone

where am i in the universe today?
i've lost track
now only
the name of the game is sitting in my brain