i mean lily, i mean really.

oh i know what it is.

alone,
be happy
you must be
despite all the circumstances
live in the moment
focus on right now
if you don't, you fail
if you do, you fail
figure it out!

restless but doin okay

uneasy, ill at ease, restive, fidgety, edgy, on edge, tense, worked up, nervous, agitated, anxious, on tenterhooks, keyed up;

jumpy ,jittery, twitchy, uptight, antsy

sleepless, wakeful

fitful, broken, disturbed, troubled, unsettled

"a restless night"

offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion.

there's a cloud in there
taking up all the air
it produces the fog that you like to see
but when it tickles your eye,
rubs against your brain,
the overbearing numb will settle within all your crevices.
it's all gone, everything that creates
all those tools, those thoughts, those ideas
were unknowingly crushed by the fog that you summoned
all on your own

an observer, viewer, purveyor watching your every move
she's the self-proclaimed overlord, claiming secrets and lies
shooting philosophies and judgements into the dark
wielding words as wisdom with very little presence or actual knowledge
an incredible surge of passion that is constantly misplaced
lost within her own head and her own version of reality
pretending to be a master of time, when time is only a concept
full of fickle, non importance, full of everything within all of space
a pathetic attempt to get words to express feelings
trying to hide the pride, the snide, the hypocrisy
a self destructive human being pretending to be more
a core of karuna, purely and simply
full of false bravado and empty promises
a not very smart lady, gaining stupidity and blank memories
losing the past and floating into the future
forgetting the present as it goes
confused yet full of understanding
full of too many unexpressive, unknowable, unaware
girl
girl
girl
short brown hair, blue eyes, plain and uneven face, long legs, veiny feet, skinny wrists, straight teeth, wide nails, confused, sarah.

Cigarettes and my shoes. Everything is foggy and bright. My vision has a fuzz on it. I cant think real things. I remember nothing. I know nothing. I am walking. Everything is deep dark. Theres no turning back. The timing never works out. Time yourself better. What is pacing yourself. You know. You got it. I cant breathe my chest is compressed. Compressed chest and knotted belly. Sick. Sick? Sick?? Sick?????? Are you sick. Have you figured it out yet. Have you let it blow through you. Have you felt the sand between your toes. Did it make you cry. Stars are crying. Andromeda. Black holes show everything’s helplessness. In all events, it all ends up the same. Do what you need. Do what you feel. Do the things to make you happy. Don’t **** up! Wait until the absolute last second, wait until it becomes unbearable, swings are dizzy, dizzy is dizzy, we are dizzy together, drifting on a brain of confusion through the milky way, brace for final impact, the airplane has crashed. Ready or not! Ready or not! Ready or not! Take your shirt off Wanna see something cool Here is the ultimate heavyweight champion Here is the god who will save you Why hasn’t the chill pervaded! 4:56am Please leave me alone Please shut up Hey no one knows anything, I know less than nothing, who are you supposed to be, who are you trying to be, are you trying, are you trying? Are you trying?????? Leaf leafs leave leaves, giant wooden tables, the only songbird in the world belongs to, time is warping EVERYTHING, grass isn’t growing anymore, skin isn’t shedding, guts aren’t processing, do you cut any corners on your self care routine? What are your hobbies can you sing can you paint can you thread can you play can you can you can you can you can you

nothing is quite as rotten
as her heart while it's at sea
losing connection and self
only salt and water to grab
as she plunders down the side

the floor shakes
     the shakes tingle
            the tingle rocks
                     the rock jitters

think hard and feel very funky!

and in the end, time will probably pass

/ i panicked and it all turned quick / i think my heads gonna blow right of my *** / in a spaceship / going much too fast / look / you see / my steaming feet / oh god / oh boy / here we go again /

to slightly comprehend that time is an illusion
and i'm wondering...

confusing to think
yet needing understanding to have ideas
as strikingly as reality
but therein lies
an occasional growing emptiness

the lack of purity in the air
engulfs what was left of sanity and reason
the human experience
tearing apart the good
stealing the worth within us all

it is everywhere and you cannot escape it
even if you tried, even if you noticed


12/2/2014

i am not sure that i am capable of hating anyone. to do so seems pointless, and entirely unreachable. i don't know what the point of life is, if there is one, but it is not to hold burning hatred within yourself. even to those who do you wrong, to those who damage you more than you thought you could ever be damaged, how do you hate them? should you not just let them go, push them out of your head entirely? it is hard for me to hate anyone, yet it is so easy for everyone else. i do not hate you because i reserve those feelings for myself.

.

reeking
cigarette
perfume
desperation
exuberance
hopelessness
giddiness
­happiness
sadness
adventure
walking around in the rain with a funky hat
catching a bus
going home
not sleeping

awareness of each others different universes, awareness that each person understands their own everything and everything within everything and every person is on their own highway, feeling that there are others on their own highway but other than that knowing nothing because we cannot penetrate each others everythings

love humiliates
will you please validate my life ticket
success is not possible when you care about almost nothing
some things are worth fighting for?
'nice' boy
is the sky everywhere or nowhere?
rotten eggs
purple was the color of the melancholy flower
visceral
painful dreams
what kind of person will you be

lying on a cold metal table

dead

incisions up your front

naked

are you still self conscious?

please excuse the cough,
it's the coal mine in my lungs,
digging up dirt and foul oils,
extracting all the priceless jewels

polluted, stained and scarred
by the trials of everyday

please, excuse the cough
i promise it's not contagious

within a state of unknowing
we're trapped!
reality is an illusion, caught and taken away in another deep slumber
continuous, relentless feelings of fear, regret, shame, memories, future
the time to relax has caught the black death
anger.
all alone.
nothing you can control because it's all in your head

what i'm saying is:
look to the moment where your mind is the weakest, your thoughts the most rampant, and THERE some unidentifiable type of evil has taken root
causing pure confusion
and a disconnect
that squeezes all clarity from your brain until ALL is murky
goodnight

i dont know anything anymore
thats not okay to anyone else
i must know
i cant know
its hard because i dont give a ****
but sometimes i do
and when i do it is hard

the vile color of everything about you

adds to the torturous bile inside of me

shaking and quivering

i am full of things that make me beg to die

please please please go away

i have a secret to tell you, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find what i am trying to say, my secret is there hiding away, i can't say the words out loud and i can not admit to my own deficiencies, but my secret says it all, please break in and find me out, you'll be disappointed and not surprised, i need you to know this thing about me, i need everyone to realize my giant falsity, behind the reinforced retaining wall is my biggest secret of all, you might laugh at the irony, you might laugh at the truth if you ever find out, behind the reinforced retaining wall you'll find

scraped tongue burning thumb everything's gonna be alright

ruminating thoughts turn into thorns of gold
pushing around inside mushy brains
poking holes in the spots you need to be whole
but they are gold and precious
they just need some love

suddenly, everything switches
turns on its side into something you can not recognize
all that is left is a pile of dust and dirt
and a few scratched notes
full of lies and deceit

you have to learn everything new again
remember what it is like to be you
trust yourself and trust the good people

the evil forms that irreparably damaged you
will always be right behind
let them be close, but not too close

try to understand

truthful and real words

it's clear to me that this thing inside is *****, rotten and grotesque
yet it's full to the brim and it will remain the truth

if everything is wrong and completely incorrect
how can i assume these thoughts?

letting the contradictory thinking flings rabble through your brain,
reality is no longer fixed, yet skewed
as the body and mind hurtles chaotically through it

sometimes they just need a friend

my resources are exhausted, tried, through and through, rejected when least expected yet pushing forward, ignoring the negative tendencies that lurk in every corner, numb and naively willing to run forward

non-coherence, can't you see?

no one can see
(except me, except therein lies the all-knowing power i have built myself up to be. except can't i know one little thing that no one else will see? or is it just ignorance and fate, tying their cruel knot?)

i wish you would see
(i believed, i thought, i understood it differently)
i wish you would see
i wish you could see
(only me)

words can only convey limited meaning
and to have them understood is a rare occurrence
circuitous thoughts, in the end mean nothing
yet the spew comes forward and it will not stop
hopefully, endlessly, trying it's best

There is something here that I want to say
and once again, it’s all about me, it’s all in my head.

Those unspoken currents in the air,
the branches that tear the existence of today
to swirl reality together with the past.

The weight of more than a bear,
colors mixed past despair,
the futile attempts that can’t ever cease.

Significance beyond your grasp or my own,
desperate aches to enter into the other.

How do you reach a conclusion when there is no ending to be found?

When memories fade into the darkness, the one that sits at the edge of your eyeballs, and clearness becomes the most filled with unclarity
you are not allowed to remember because your foggy, mushy brain is stuck on REPEAT
  And the checkups, tuneups, improvements and replacements of your daily life only lead you to be irreparably shattered
  The measly repair is only a grim patched quilt of an unlucky (and unloved) being
   To ease the muddy water that keeps you stuck you must LISTEN TO SEE

(That touching is feeding and you need to be full.)

Do not listen to the useless urges that may be thrown your way by the trickster in your hair
He is only there to make you worse

it seems to me
to be an unforseen
elusive imaginer of
light
and love -
never to be captured
but forever hunted

they'd like to make it clear,
to you
to i,
to us,
that any angst in
the chase for definition
is futile
and marks the heart of a
senile man

It's been convinced that It's creativity needs a boost, some assistance to bring it closer to home. What We're trying to vocalize to It is simple and not very twisted, yet the transparency of thoughts became clouded at some point during the transmission through those waves. The Decree that We need to show It, the Decree of Truth and Art is only VERY SIMPLE! All of the skills that would enable It to Get It are present, uncomplicated and really real. Believe Us, blanketing It's foggy mind are all of the answers. That's the ticket, It!

wishful thinking that the sting would die out

but it keeps returning in acidic waves

at times when expectations are broken

and understanding is high

trying to let it loose

be free and



insecurity is befuddled

unclear decisions only become moldier

the goal is fuzzy

the fingertips that were burned together

are broken apart by the freeze



i want to close the doors completely

barricade them from the world

and rip them into shreds

to ensure no wandering minds

ever commit the crime again

for everything as it should be
and may be
and could be

words that cannot walk
apostasy? dissipation?
human, all-too-human
representation of a stage of life
mixed opinions & maxims
timeless - everything is?
his body weary but his soul unmoved
heavy with happiness

between the pages lie the answers to our secrets
why they are in the form of questioning i am unaware
but for now, the water has smoothed everything over
content yet exciting, the malice is gone, the present is finally bearable
and even more than that
the future looks open

everyone is trippin ballz and i wanna do acid
i wanna live in a tent with a flap and some pants and thats it
i could live on beans and veggies
i could have ***** feet and rotten mouth taste
id do that in exchange for happiness
in exchange to understand and grasp
pure. happiness..
my stomach hurts
where am i

I am not a responsible, fully functioning human today (anymore?). I am gripping at ledges with slick fingers and I just can not seem to stop crying. Everything is in your power, child, not mine. Please stop looking at me to guide you, I am definitely not the one for the job. Can you not see the tar on my stiffening face and the gray goop on my lungs?

you make me buzz baby
i want you to know
that i'm no longer in control
it's all moving within itself
buzz, baby, you make me buzz
i want you to know
everywhere and all throughout
reality is threatening to crash down around me
but it's okay, i don't mind
here is where i am now
i am here right now
and i'm abuzz, baby
i just wanted you to know

i swear to God, there is a piece there somewhere that is missing and has been for all of time. but only when the wind stirs and i begin to ruminate on the answer of what it might be, where it might have gone or even where it came from, does the overwhelming body swirl of pain and sorrow take me over completely. all else otherwise is just a slightly discomforting numbness. (the secret to the madness is all in that there numbness, the numb dumb game to play.) :(

i hate poetry
but i thrive within it
the jackassery
the relevancy of self
let me feel important for once
oops it is forgotten
that i am important all the time
but only to myself

dying emotionally
aching and breaking
pointless and dramatic
useless and loveless
trapped in a head
a face floating everywhere
but no where i can look
scrambling for understanding

life i begin to grasp
as i start to laugh
slip through the misunderstood
tumultuous waves in your belly
life i begin to grasp
my mind i let go
one or the other
never both

I am not losing my mind I am losing my mind. I am not sick I am sick. I am not okay I am okay. I am not here right now I am here right now. I am not calm I am calm. I am not confused I am confused. I am not lost I am lost. I do not understand I understand. I can not move I can move. I can not breathe I can breathe. I can not pretend I can pretend. I am not responsible I am responsible. I am not happy I am happy. I do not believe in myself I do believe in myself. I am not aware I am aware. I am not trouble I am trouble. I am not hungry I am hungry. I am not sick I am sick. I am not full I am full. I am not empty I am empty. I am not creative I am creative. I am not worth it I am worth it.

words words words i am so tired of words words words words words words (i fly with repitition) words but i thrive on them they keep me going but (but but but but) i don’t want words (bring it all together) they don’t convey what needs to be conveyed they don’t show what i need to show

If i were to know the happenings of yesterday in their entirety
if i knew of everyone who feel in love, and each who fell out
if i knew of those who died, lived, and began again
if i were to know of each new leaf and each form of condensation
the path of every bird, the thought of every dog and the feelings of everyone and every living thing
if i knew the the feelings, the happenings of yesterday
maybe i would know more about today.

two different world - are one
but we will show them in the sun

is there a world outside?

i'm going to break
i'm going to break
please don't
come and get me
everywhere
i am incapable of
please come and get me and take me away
she's gonna go crazy
no time
somewhere else
where i am comforted

i think i'm going numb
i can't feel the ripping
goodnight

is there wind beneath my wings?
will i ever rise up and fly?
the light says no!!
*so where do i go

i began to grow but then,
how do i say
"                 "                    
and yet it is hidden behind
what you may find
to be your truth
even after the adamant suggest
to the otherwise

and to you, to be
might utterly convince me
unless my own falsity continues to disease my visibility

so what is it, we are back again
this time is too deafening for any type of comprehending

i'm tired, go away
leave me to my endless wait