i feel ancient and yellow

i looked at a man on a bus and was disgusted by his age

i decided then that i never want to feel old

the creak in your bones

the weight in your veins

the sag in your skin

the dullness in your eyes

you become dry, old, worn out

i feel ancient and yellow

i can feel my insides getting singed

turning brown, murky, vile

i will always let it in

i feel ancient and yellow

and weary, exhausted, empty

i feel as if

there is to be nothing

just waiting for the end

i feel ancient and yellow

i am asleep
goodnight friend
melancholy
my head spins
my nose tickles
oh i am in the car
with my mom
and she is yelling at me
oops i forgot
i don’t know if i should pay attention
probably not
there goes a red ball
lying in the gutter
there it is
streaked with dirt
goodbye red ball
goodnight old friend

an entrail, caught
on the jagged edges of time
goodbye

it's all convoluted
twisting and turning, making circles in hurting heads
but the truth is
i really cannot grasp a single thing
only excruciating pain
to cover emptiness and loss
i am moving forward, onward, backward
no one has any words or wisdom
stop thinking you are right
you are never right

i keep asking for something
looking for something
and i don't know where

i wish i knew something.

everyone has their own lives
when will the dullness get vibrant
when will the void gain meaning
will it ever?

and what will i do until then?
it is not okay.

where am i in the universe today?
i've lost track
now only
the name of the game is sitting in my brain

the conflicting feelin of
wanting to bleed and
not wanting to bleed
they say its addicting because of the chemicals
in your body
that respond
and you still want it
over and over
and i want it
but beyond the chemicals i think
actually im not sure
i dont know anything anymore

It is a sickening feeling when you think back to a different time, maybe a fuller time and the people you loved, who are gone with the wind into each other, without you even though you loved them, too. You had to start over and you’re afraid your new beginnings aren’t quite as full but yet there is no comparison because it has separated into two different lifetimes. Yet you’re still lonely despite your beautiful new life, something is missing and maybe things could be more shiny... and you wonder what it would be if either your old life could end and disappear, or completely blend in with this new one so it can finally be whole. Yet you know it is whole, nothing is missing except hurt and confusion and lying and cruelty. Why would you want that in your new world? Why would you want a little more excitement, a little more wonder, a little more laughter, a little more connection... maybe if your old life had come to an end, your current life would not be so pointless and circuitous. Maybe some thing and some people connections would be more real and life would be more of a fantastic adventure. But there is no holding on to what is the past, there should be no idealization of the horrible things that happened to you, your life could be no different and maybe this is just as happy as you can be.

the outlines are blurry
the space behind your eyeball is clogged
i want to change
the precipice of sanity
the void of insanity

time is passing at light speed
no time is passing at all

i'm spinning in circles
i'm going to fall over
where am i going?

where am i in the universe today?
your three worst fears will become realized all at once
all at once

sorry

i am turning into stone

(i wish something mattered
anything
i wish i mattered
somewhere
to someone)

there are so many things i never wanted to know
and now they won't leave
i never wanted to know
i do not want to know

i don't want to think
i want to be ignorant and unaware
i want to lose my mind and let myself go

it's hurting very suddenly
stabbing ripping tearing slipping
skull enclosing and collapsing
brains squelching out crevices

there are so many things i never wanted to know
but i didn't get a choice

there are so many things i didn't want to feel
but i didn't have a choice

i wish something mattered
i wish i mattered

there are so many things

you said i am burning up and you are the only one so scared with another
you wanted on the inside   i have ever wanted girl,
to be and you are  to talk to that you don’t want
my friend the only one but i cant you to talk with me,
but here  i want to talk to because i am  that you are
that you lied or oh my god did not tell the whole so bad truth,
that you will stop  i miss you wanting to be 'get better’.
my friend so ******* much if i don’t i am hurting  but i cant tell you that.
and its not because of you i need you just want to be friends
but only because we don't talk  i am going to explode
and you don't seem to care at all   but i don't want to play games
and i need you in my life more than anybody.

things are getting hazy

thing are getting morbid

things are shaking and rolling

**HOW CAN THINGS GET MORE HAZY

it’s all so strange; it won’t get out

i am ablaze, every single part

stiff with heat

take it out of me, take it out of me

please take it out of me

i can feel it shifting in my bones

the details are hazy but the burden might be too much to bear

the disconnect is too strong; you can’t get back

i speak and i think in the generals
i speak and i think and i immediately forget what was
spoken and thought
i speak and i think and i worry
i speak and i think and i contradict myself
i speak and i think and i portray an image of myself to others
i speak and i think and i don’t trust
i speak and i think

it's filling me up
and taking me over
what could it be

as things sink deeper into my bones, solidifying and creating holes
the holes begin to burn and twist into cavernous depths,
i want to SHRIEK let me be free!
please, let go of my poor old aching bones
release the iron grip of reality,
stop the unbearable agony
that i caused for myself,
my own pain sinking deeper into itself

how can you expect to find peace without your feet on the ground?
find even without odd, find silence without sound?
how will you find honest pleasure without feeling genuine pain?
there is no winning without playing the game.
you can have no identity without giving yourself a name
dark and light, left and right, the balance is the same

PAST
She needed to be reminded of who she was. She needed assurances from long-lost strangers. She needed to be told she was right and that she could fly. She needed to be tucked in at night and impassioned with light. She needed something from them that they could not give. She needed what she could not have. She needed to not be sad. She needed for a change to inspire. She needed to be told of her truth and her fight.
PRESENT
She needed too much from other people, and that was her downfall. One day a part of her died, the part that needed constant reassurance and love. It was brutally murdered by her own hands, in a fit of passion. And she was happy, far better off, without the weight of others within her.
FUTURE
She needs to remind herself of who she was, is and will be. She needs to push herself and keep moving f o r w a r d. She will always need something from herself that she can give, and will no longer waste on other people. She will be strong, and loved, and happy!

i used to be a slave to the words that were all i could hear, that consumed my only clear thoughts and ideas. i used to be obsessed with capturing them and wrangling them into exactly what i meant them to be. and that proved too hard, because i am weak and words are fickle.

i used to stare at everything in my sight as hard as i could to get the exact picture i wanted to capture. i used to wonder about who and what and when and where. the permanence of the captured picture brought me back in time, into memories and old sights and places. i took a camera with me everywhere so i could capture all of my thoughts, all of my feelings and memories. and that proved too hard, as pictures develop into nothing unique, nothing clear.

i used to draw and shade and mold and touch. my fingers needed to create, needed to explode. i created what was easiest, what flowed out with no second thought. i used to try and let it take over me. and that proved too hard, as my hand seized up and i gave up. because of talent. because of pain. because nothing came rushing through my fingertips.

i used to think myself into different lands, different lives and different ideologies. i used to get lost within nothing, easily distracted by the cycles in my head, the cycles of life and love and death and pain. that proved too hard, because i am weak and only wanted numbness, darkness, thoughtlessness.

the thoughts and words and pictures and ideas dulled into the ordinary. everything has the same release that nothing does. how exhausting, when i only need a little bit of release. i have dulled myself into oblivion while looking for adrenaline. and now it looks like i'm out of chances, because i gave up. because i am so weak.

my friends and i
keep it in the air
together, forever, keep it flying
working as one
having the most fun
keep it in the air
together, forever, in memory
and love

1

the way my body responds to your touch
shivering and arching
makes me believe that you have magic
pulsating through your fingertips

when i hear your heartbeat
i know i am alive

our breath synced together
made everything fit

laying next you, intertwined
i have never been more content

your touch
your words
your presence and laughter

2

you made me lose myself
i made me lose everything to you
love is a fickle fiend
a ruthless *****
she comes and goes and pretends to stay
she makes you trick yourself
until you forget whats real and true
until you forget who you really are
until you forget who you want to be

3

i can't
i can't write letters to you
i can't answer your questions
i can't be sensitive and kind
i can't tell you everything
or anything at all.
i do not love you

4

i am happy without your love
because i love myself
i hope you are happy too