so many words resonate with me;
in music,
poems,
movies,
and in my mind.

but i cant seem to
write them down anymore.

everyone i know has betrayed me
in some way.
every time something goes right,
it all goes wrong again.

there's too much on my mind
to organize it into beautiful words.

so here i lie,
pouring my heart out,
yet there's still more i want to say.

in an empty room
there is no doubt
you'd choose me

but in a crowded one
would you choose me
or her?

and i am afraid that the alcohol i drink
is filling up my body so much
to the point where i am starting to choke
on my last words

i am already six feet underground,
rehearsing my goodbyes i never got to say

i am getting drowned in the tears of those
who never showed love to me when i was alive
but are showing it now that i am dead

the drugs coursing through my veins
are decaying my body
and i am nothing more
than a skeleton in the ground

at least if i am dead i will no longer receive
the pain i know i did not deserve
when i was alive

everything looks better
through rose colored glasses,
but in those moments i take them off,
everything goes quiet,
but it's almost excruciatingly loud.

my thoughts overwhelm my mind,
so i put on my glasses
and distract myself
from the ongoing misery in my heart
because nothing else seems to work.

i should've said those words.
i should've told you everything
on my mind.
i regret that you don't know
how i felt.

now it's all up in the air
i never got the closure
i deserved.
not that i need it;
but you're still on my mind

nothing good though,
if you're wondering.

i hate how i felt disposable,
useless,
a burden.
i hate how you favored
other people over me.
i hate how you left me for her.
i hate you.

i never felt safe with you
and i want you to know that.

take my name
out of your mouth

i'm not happy
and im not sad,
not enough to tell anyone at least,
but enough to keep my mind
awake at night.

nights are the hardest:
when you finally throw away
all your distractions,
so it's just you and your thoughts,
awake until the sun rises once again.

this is just another poem
i'm writing about someone
who could never love me
as much as i loved them

maybe my biggest flaw
is feeling too much,
which is why i could
shut it off so easily

i've spent hours wondering
why love has failed me once again,
going back to the thought
that maybe it's my fault

i wanted so bad for us to work
i wanted you to be the reason i was happy,
but perhaps it's the greatest questions
that don't have an answer

“open up” they said,
and my heart listened

my mouth opened,
and words flooded out

but just as fast as i spoke,
the regret crept in

sometimes i forget
that truly forgiving them
doesn't depend on their apology

forgiving them means
that their actions
don't control you anymore

it means you see them as humans
who have treated you
from their level of maturity
and your awareness of that
takes away the power
they hold

10.09.20
we had a connection at the first look.

we've blossomed from
acquaintances
to friends
to a little more,
and now i can't get you off my mind.

i never thought
i'd like you this much,
but things change;
people change.

sometimes for the worse,
but in my case,
so much better.

but you promised me.
you said we were infinite.

why did you lie
  why
    why
      why

you're dragging me down a steep staircase.
and i'm allowing it.

because i love you.

how can I ever be perfect
when i don’t even know what it means to be myself?

i’m thrown into a sea of lies:
drowning in the false idea that i’m more
than i really am.

i put a mask for your standards.
is it really becoming me,
or is my face cracking underneath?

imnotgoodenoughimnotgoodenough
i replay these words in my head
like a broken record.

they break off a piece of my true identity
until i cannot recognize myself;
until i look in the mirror and hate who I see.

but you made that happen.
i don’t know i am...
because of you.

i have been fighting for so long:
pushing my way through the inevitability of life.

but my knuckles are red,
my legs are bruised,
and my heart rate continues to slow.

there's still so much left in the race,
but the thought of making it to the finish line
just isn't enough for my weak bones anymore.

if i am honest,
there aren't many words left
to describe my pain

i've said so much
that the words
mean nothing to me

i am numb
i am stuck
there's not much to it anymore

i am a forgetful person:
i don't know your shoe size
or your favorite food,
but the face you make
before we kiss
is engraved in my mind.

i probably won't remember what your plans are for tomorrow,
yet i still notice the way
you twirl your hair to put it in a bun.

i've memorized the feeling of your warm hands intertwined with mine.
i am a writer:
i notice small things about everyone,
but it's different for you,
because you're my muse;
my inspiration.
i create artwork
simply from observing.

god i hope i can look back
at how dramatic i am

i hope i will be here to reflect on my mistakes,
on my regrets

tears blur my vision;
i cannot see far enough into my future

every wound, every mark,
i become less hopeful

maybe things do change,
but this feels like rock bottom.

isn't it so strange
that we carve into our skin,
we let drugs course through our veins,
because we don't love ourselves.

we make wishes upon our blood,
hoping maybe tomorrow
we'll be dead.

we are all so painfully tired
that we cannot bear to live in our bodies
for one more day

someone could tell me every day
that they love me,
but i will always remember
that one time
when they forgot to say it back.

why do we think back
to the negatives
when the positives
are right in front of us?

we were infinite

you are alive

we accept the love we think we deserve

write about us

life doesn't stop for anybody

everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other

this moment will just be another story someday

enjoy it because it's happening

i don't want to ruin your days
because i struggle to get out of bed.
i'm terribly sorry for being this way;
i tried to be different than them,
but it's harder than you think.

i wish i could change me
for you.

intense,
excruciating,
unbearable,
torture.

this pain can't be explained;
it's so terrible i almost can't feel anything.

being numb may be better than this, though.

that night,
it was easier to sleep
knowing you were gone
then the restless nights
trying to keep you from leaving.

you were stiff,
talking monotone,
soulless.

where did my brother go?

your smile would brighten my day,
and you were so playful.
i miss that.

i don't know who this new person is.

it was barely a person;
i couldn't maintain eye contact
because i didn't know who i was looking at.

i'm sorry your brain doesn't work like others

i regret treating you poorly;
you did not deserve that,
for you cannot control what your head tells you.

will i ever meet the old you again?