they yell at her
because they notice her grades slipping,
how she sleeps all day,
and how she's never home.
but they don't ask her why
they don't notice the cuts,
how she skips meals,
or the alcohol in her system.
they don't realize she cries
to the white noise,
alone, in the dark.
they don't realize she cries
because she misses the little girl she was.

when I walked into the room and saw you
my body did not react like it had
the first time

I waited for my heart to abandon me
for my legs to freeze up
to fall to the ground
crying at your feet

nothing happened
there's no connection
or movement inside when we locked eyes

you looked like a regular girl
with your regular clothes
and regular face
nothing profound about you

I don't give myself enough credit
my body must've cleansed itself of you
a long time ago
must've gotten tired of you
behaving like I was nothing
and rung the insecurities out
while I was busy wallowing in pity

even though we were under the same roof
I was still solar systems away from you

the only thing you were good at
was making me feel useless.

and i am afraid that the alcohol i drink
is filling up my body so much
to the point where i am starting to choke
on my last words

i am already six feet underground,
rehearsing my goodbyes i never got to say

i am getting drowned in the tears of those
who never showed love to me when i was alive
but are showing it now that i am dead

the drugs coursing through my veins
are decaying my body
and i am nothing more
than a skeleton in the ground

at least if i am dead i will no longer receive
the pain i know i did not deserve
when i was alive

i should've said those words.
i should've told you everything
on my mind.
i regret that you don't know
how i felt.

now it's all up in the air
i never got the closure
i deserved.
not that i need it;
but you're still on my mind

nothing good though,
if you're wondering.

i hate how i felt disposable,
useless,
a burden.
i hate how you favored
other people over me.
i hate how you left me for her.
i hate you.

i never felt safe with you
and i want you to know that.

everything looks better
through rose colored glasses,
but in those moments i take them off,
everything goes quiet,
but it's almost excruciatingly loud.

my thoughts overwhelm my mind,
so i put on my glasses
and distract myself
from the ongoing misery in my heart
because nothing else seems to work.

sometimes i think
i resented you so much
that it felt like love

in an empty room
there is no doubt
you'd choose me

but in a crowded one
would you choose me
or her?

i yearn for that feeling
that feeling of wind on your face
caressing your hair
that feeling of the sun beating down
wrapping its warm arms around you
that feeling of serenity
when there’s a beautiful view
you just cant take your eyes off
that feeling of nostalgia
when birds outside your bedroom window
wake you up from a good dream
i yearn for night drives
and music that makes you feel something
i yearn for pure happiness

"but it made you stronger"
no, it destroyed me
i was 12

take my name
out of your mouth

this is just another poem
i'm writing about someone
who could never love me
as much as i loved them

maybe my biggest flaw
is feeling too much,
which is why i could
shut it off so easily

i've spent hours wondering
why love has failed me once again,
going back to the thought
that maybe it's my fault

i wanted so bad for us to work
i wanted you to be the reason i was happy,
but perhaps it's the greatest questions
that don't have an answer

i don't want to ruin your days
because i struggle to get out of bed.
i'm terribly sorry for being this way;
i tried to be different than them,
but it's harder than you think.

i wish i could change me
for you.

how can I ever be perfect
when i don’t even know what it means to be myself?

i’m thrown into a sea of lies:
drowning in the false idea that i’m more
than i really am.

i put a mask for your standards.
is it really becoming me,
or is my face cracking underneath?

imnotgoodenoughimnotgoodenough
i replay these words in my head
like a broken record.

they break off a piece of my true identity
until i cannot recognize myself;
until i look in the mirror and hate who I see.

but you made that happen.
i don’t know i am...
because of you.

10.09.20
we had a connection at the first look.

we've blossomed from
acquaintances
to friends
to a little more,
and now i can't get you off my mind.

i never thought
i'd like you this much,
but things change;
people change.

sometimes for the worse,
but in my case,
so much better.

if i am honest,
there aren't many words left
to describe my pain

i've said so much
that the words
mean nothing to me

i am numb
i am stuck
there's not much to it anymore

god i hope i can look back
at how dramatic i am

i hope i will be here to reflect on my mistakes,
on my regrets

tears blur my vision;
i cannot see far enough into my future

every wound, every mark,
i become less hopeful

maybe things do change,
but this feels like rock bottom.

but you promised me.
you said we were infinite.

why did you lie
  why
    why
      why

you're dragging me down a steep staircase.
and i'm allowing it.

because i love you.

i have been fighting for so long:
pushing my way through the inevitability of life.

but my knuckles are red,
my legs are bruised,
and my heart rate continues to slow.

there's still so much left in the race,
but the thought of making it to the finish line
just isn't enough for my weak bones anymore.

intense,
excruciating,
unbearable,
torture.

this pain can't be explained;
it's so terrible i almost can't feel anything.

being numb may be better than this, though.

i am a forgetful person:
i don't know your shoe size
or your favorite food,
but the face you make
before we kiss
is engraved in my mind.

i probably won't remember what your plans are for tomorrow,
yet i still notice the way
you twirl your hair to put it in a bun.

i've memorized the feeling of your warm hands intertwined with mine.
i am a writer:
i notice small things about everyone,
but it's different for you,
because you're my muse;
my inspiration.
i create artwork
simply from observing.

someone could tell me every day
that they love me,
but i will always remember
that one time
when they forgot to say it back.

why do we think back
to the negatives
when the positives
are right in front of us?

isn't it so strange
that we carve into our skin,
we let drugs course through our veins,
because we don't love ourselves.

we make wishes upon our blood,
hoping maybe tomorrow
we'll be dead.

we are all so painfully tired
that we cannot bear to live in our bodies
for one more day

we were infinite

you are alive

we accept the love we think we deserve

write about us

life doesn't stop for anybody

everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other

this moment will just be another story someday

enjoy it because it's happening

the feeling of lonliness
is awfully scary.
you have no one to talk to,
no one to keep you company.

i feel stuck.
i can't get out.
please help me
i'm stuck

that night,
it was easier to sleep
knowing you were gone
then the restless nights
trying to keep you from leaving.