Lies spew from your body as you pull me in tighter
Tighter
So tight that I can barely breathe
I’m suffocating here in your arms
And you don’t even care to notice
Complete and total oblivion
Not the tranquil oblivion of sleep
But the threatening oblivion of homicide
Not actual death but the death of the person I want to become
You don’t seem to notice the panic formed across my face
I’m an animal trapped in headlights, paralyzed
While you’re the speeding vehicle
The car that doesn’t stop  
You don’t realize as my mother that I look up to you
That you’re relationships are not just about you
The hold effect on me as well
You can’t seem to stop the fighting
You say you love him
But I think you love the rush of anger
When you’re screaming and then leaving
Leaving
You’re constantly leaving me
I’m caught between the cross fires
The cussing and the pushing
You take it out on me
When I finally get up the nerve to confront you about it
You say you have no idea what I’m talking about
Did I tell you I still have the necklace you bought me?
To make me forget about the first bruise you left on my arm
As if money and diamonds mean a thing to me
I may seem like a young lady
But my insides are ripping apart
I’m still just a child
I had a dream of being a mother
And a having a beautiful partner
Who has a dictionary of her own
And when she looks up the words:
Independent, beauty, and passion
The synonym is my name
I want so badly to be happy
But when I look at your relationship
What you call love
All I see is chaos
A fight that isn’t over until someone is hanging by a noose
And I don’t want any part of it
I hear that love is a wonderful thing
But now the word sends messages through my body and too my brain
They scream at me to run and run fast
To shut out anyone who could possibly care about me
I’m so tired of living this way
These hallways hold too many secrets
Too many hushed screams for my comfort
So I’m leaving
Leaving
I’m leaving before oblivion takes over
I’m gonna tear down the walls I built
I’m gonna free fall into the unknown
Im gonna find what love is
And when I finally do
She will show me the 7 wonders of the world
Just by looking in her eyes,
like crystal ships that have seen too many ice burgs
yet still so beautiful.
Her heart will remind me of an old shoe lace
Double knotted
That may be a bit too tattered but never falls apart
She will hold my heart in her hand
I will trust her not to shatter it
But to help me find the missing puzzle pieces
To make it whole again.

You write depressing poetry
you lay in your bed for hours wasting time
rocking yourself back and forth with tears streaming down your face
you cry until you can't
you stare at the ceiling
you go crazy
you want to scream and punch things
you want to hold a gun to your head and pull the trigger
you want to die
you want to hurt them but you want to hold, love them at the same
you want to shout
you want to throw things
you ignore it
you don't ignore it
you sink into your darkness and let it consume you
you burn because that's all you have left to do
you burn with each memory and laugh as it sears your skin
fire rips through your veins
your heart thuds in your chest and you can't breathe.
I don't know I don't know because that's all I know how to do
I can't tell you how to stop *loving someone or how to heal from your sadness because I'm still searching for that answer myself.